Posted on Jun 18, 2018
This month’s blog started percolating at the end of May after watching the movie, “Hector and the Search for Happiness” which came highly recommended by my well-knowing sister. Much of what follows comes directly from my journal entry.
In a nutshell, the movie is an adult version of the children’s animated film about emotions, “Inside Out.” They are all equally important. And underneath it all is connection/bonding. Most powerfully for me is the sense of being truly known by someone—in this case, my younger sister. That is true connection. To know and be known. That is love. Albeit there are the bits about chemistry and working at it—but at its core: Love is about being known—being seen and appreciated for who we are—our essence. Not what we accomplish, or what we can do for others.
Just be-ing.
The King James biblical turn of phrase for sex “and he knew his wife” just took on a whole new meaning. [I’m usually not one to quote scripture randomly; but for those curious about what I’m talking about see Genesis 4:1—“And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain…”] Now if only it were true—but highly unlikely given the patriarchal context; however, it does allude to the deeper meaning of intimacy: to know and be known.
Like any of us, I have experience with both superficial relationships as well as the deep knowing of another. Hector’s search for happiness illuminated some of the differences. The primary realization for me was that we cannot know/love others until we know ourselves.
Hectar had to go on this incredible geographical and emotional journey to discover himself in order to give himself to his work and to Clara, his romantic partner. Until that point, they were both going through the motions—neither one feeling known/seen by the other. Until I know who I am, I cannot truly know others. I won’t be able to relate to their experiences (listening is loving) if I do not understand my own.
If I honour my Light, it casts a glow for others to see their own Lights. Living in shadow does not serve anyone. We must know ourselves in order to know others. Which reminds me, I have a lot of unfinished business in the sense of finalizing my relationship status: single/divorced/ previously married. I really do not want to deal with my ex; but in order to freely move on, as my life appears to be doing, I need to completely cut that chord and walk un-tethered into my Light.
While my new life is far from perfect, I no longer feel trapped. My life is my own. There is happiness in freedom. I want to follow Hectar’s lead and jot down the lessons he jots down as he journeys along. It really comes down to ownership. Owning your life; and if it isn’t what you want, what is to be done about it?? To quote a line from the movie: “Courage Hectar!” [Inside joke with myself. I will give you the opportunity to watch the movie for you to join me.]
We live in a culture and country of opportunities. Yet we entrap ourselves by dogma and internalized messages. Breaking barriers—especially those of our own making or choosing—might be the hardest thing we have to do: Claiming our liberty to live well and help others. Self-liberation. Often misconstrued as bullying and/or dominating others—to have freedom is to take it from others. How sad. How limiting.
True freedom is the freedom to love. I’ll say it again: True freedom is the freedom to love. Some define freedom as the right to self-govern—to come out from under the weight of oppression and domination. At its core, that remains to love (to know self and others). Even the indigenous cultures of this great country require the freedom to love—to know and be known. We have tried to strip the people of self-knowledge which has effectively crippled them. They are struggling valiantly to right that wrong. That is a little side tangent, but dovetails with my realization of the critical importance of knowing and being known.
If we wait for others to know us and grant approval for our existence, then we spin our wheels always externalizing our Light. If we dominate others convinced that is the way to keep on top of the proverbial dog pile, we limit both ourselves and others—and again externalize our value to having others around to belittle. If we know ourselves and live out of our own unique Light, then others can do the same. And what a brighter world that would be. I can only imagine the kaleidoscope of colours!
Take courage! Shine on! Add to this world’s beauty: refract instead of retracting the Light.
Read More
Posted on May 14, 2018
I meant to write a blog entry for April; but somehow the month got away from me. Maybe it had something to do with adopting a 7-month-old puppy from a rescue 3 hours from where I live. I have never had a puppy before: albeit a more mature one. In the past, I have adopted 2-year-old dogs. Ones that are house trained and have basic obedience training. However, both adult dogs adopted previously had to attend obedience classes. In reality, they are training the humans more than the canines. And over time, it really does feel like the dogs train their humans to a certain degree. Maybe it’s joint effort or negotiating a compromise.
Beyond reciprocal training, dogs are great teachers. I have learned so many life lessons from being a “pet parent.” They are also invaluable companions offering comfort and solace in times of need. Not to mention exercise trainers and lovers of structure and routine as well as playmates. No such thing as all work and no play in the canine world!
I have only had my new love, Abbie, for a couple weeks; and she has already fulfilled all of the above. In fact, 3 important lessons happened within the first day! Amazing how organizing for a new pet can teach one about taking ownership for oneself. It all started with choosing how to spell her name: Abbie or Abby. I was strangely conflicted, wanting the input of others on how I spelled the name of my dog. I limited myself to consulting my sister–whom, by the way, chose Abby. Instead, I paid attention to what was going on for me–and the fact that I was leaning towards Abbie. I had to own my preference and not rely on common consent. I suspect it is rooted in my fear of judgment and criticism; but I didn’t dig that deeply. I focused on making my own decision. And I chose Abbie.
Which brings me to my next ownership lesson. It was a bit of an impromptu/impulse decision. Not my forté. I tend to over-think things and second guess myself–and yes, obsess about even basic decisions. I had to curb those tendencies and go with my gut given that I can talk myself in or out of almost anything. It was neither easy nor hard to do: more of a decision to make a decision–and follow through. And trusting serendipity.
The third lesson happened on the 3-hour drive there and back (total 6 hours). This was me pursuing something I wanted for me and my future. It also forced me to look back as I passed through familiar territory from my young adulthood; as my journey took me to where I lived for a year after high school and is also along the route I travelled numerous times to and from college in Saskatchewan. It gave me an interesting perspective of how far I have come in life as well as coming full circle. I have reclaimed my former independent streak but with the benefit of decades of life experience. It was almost a symbolic gesture of reclaiming my power. In an ironic twist, I never had a sense of personal power to accompany my independent spirit. I am a study of contrasts.
So without even trying, Abbie has taught me a lot already. As an added bonus, she is really quick and learns commands and boundaries almost effortlessly. Well, for the most part. There are a few kinks to work out yet. Equally important, her energy and exuberance for life are infectious. She pushes me beyond my comfort zones (physically and psychologically). As I gain confidence, so does she. We are a well-matched team. A dream come true. Her loving nature and openness also creates a sense of safety. She definitely isn’t like either of my previous rescues as she doesn’t have behaviour issues to untrain. She is a unique experience and one I gladly embrace.
Read More
Posted on Mar 20, 2018
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
~ Haruki Murakami
It’s been a stormy couple of weeks…with a lot to process. The purpose of processing? To learn the lessons presented by the various challenges. I’ve discovered that I function on auto-pilot much of the time; especially when it comes to interacting with people. And then my brain analyzes those interactions on a continual playback loop, like a mental video on repeat. Takes a bit of effort to stop that playbook loop at times. Particularly if it’s a confusing situation or involves a power imbalance. This time I had to slow the loop right down rather than force an abrupt stop.
I don’t respond well when intimidated—even less so when it is intentional intimidation—such as when someone is condescending and supercilious. We all know those scenarios when someone tries to put us in our place or make us feel at a disadvantage. My latest experience with a “power broker” prompted much analysis. No matter what I tried to stop the obsessive thinking, my loop kept playing until I figured out the lesson: I need to honour my gut instinct and intuition. What I “sense” is as important as what I taste, see, smell, touch, and hear. Like most sensitive people and empaths, I grew up with the messages that I was reading into things, being over-sensitive/-reactive, needing to give the benefit of the doubt. In sum, to second guess and not trust mySelf; which leads to putting myself in harm’s way, be taken advantage of, take one on the chin.
I have learned to minimize and doubt what I sense or intuit without even thinking about it. I may get defensive without understanding why; and thus react reflexively because I haven’t process the incoming “sensed” data. Conversations can become confusing and veer off in unexpected directions. Leaving me distressed and uncomfortable. To add to the misery, even that sensation gets minimized automatically. And then the constant playback loop starts because I screwed up somehow and need to figure it out to protect myself from potential future interaction failures.
So. While I am confused and obsessing, I have to defy my auto-pilot—fumbling for the override switch while in crisis mode. It is one thing to be mindful and present when in a calm state (such as part of daily routine), or in slightly elevated states (like waiting in line or for an appointment); but it is quite another thing to be mindful when under duress—as the brain and body has a finely-tuned coping response that is engaged subconsciously. I am still learning how to override the “stress auto-pilot.” Basically, it is a version of “freeze mode”—or playing dead. I don’t tend to fight or flee when stressed. I shut down. I turn inward. I assume I am doing (or being) something wrong.
Hence, I need to keep retraining my brain. Prompting my amygdala to rely on a fourth option instead of fight, flight, or freeze. I have to find that override switch before I encounter perceived threats. So that when my amygdala fires up and engages the engine light of my brain, I am ready to read the incoming data. Data that is nearly imperceptible: the tone of voice, choice of words, eye movement, gestures, energy shifts, a “sense.” If I feel uncomfortable, I need to pay attention. Acknowledge the sensation. Take it seriously, for what it is. If I sense something is off, it is off. Then I can choose what to do next. I don’t have to wait for the conversation to end or attempt to anticipate the next move. I can acknowledge this isn’t working for me and ask myself what to do/say next without being rude, aggressive, or defensive. Sometimes it is as simple as making a mental adjustment without any obvious outward change.
I have such a long way to go in reclaiming my power. I am so conditioned to giving up my power for the greater good, to keep the peace, that I fail to own it before routinely relinquishing it. I need to own who I am and my complete sensory intake. Once I can be mindful of every experience, I can move on to speaking up about what I perceive. Tactfully, of course. That will take much more practice and likely an increase of obsessive playback loops analyzing my every thought and action. But I will get there.
I have many more storms to brave yet. For that’s what life really is all about, isn’t it? Learning how to journey through storms. We certainly can’t avoid them—as much as we waste energy trying to do just that. Life is all about the storms with the odd break in the weather. And my storm detection equipment needs tweaking—not to avoid them, but to prepare more effectively.
I will keep meeting challenges, learning the lessons, and practicing the skills. In the words of Louisa May Alcott,
“I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.”
Read More
Posted on Feb 16, 2018
February. Valentine’s is past. Sadly, sometimes as troubling for people as the Christmas/Holiday season. And it all depends what we focus on. For me, two issues that have surfaced are my risk of becoming a recluse, prompting agoraphobia (fear of leaving the home) and/or social phobia (fear of interacting with people); and feeling like a misfit.
Becoming a recluse is troubling. Feeling a misfit is distressing, causing deep anguish. And because I feel like a misfit, I “turtle”—yep, hideaway like a hermit. Do we see the vicious circle here?
To add insult to injury (so-to-speak), my counselling practice isn’t building like it did in Didsbury. The usual networking channels are not fruitful like they were in Alberta. Yep, you guessed it—feeling like a misfit, wanting to hideaway. Being a hermit, though, has yet to be a financially viable career choice. I suppose the need to earn money is good for my mental health!
Being a recluse isn’t a new challenge for me to face. And usually my work is a sufficient antidote. Social engagement has never been easy for me. I loathe crowded situations, group conversations, noisy environments, and small talk. Private one-on-one conversations are best for me. And counselling provides meaningful conversations with minimal small talk. Very rewarding work for an empathic, compassionate, introvert.
I have never “played well with others.” Good thing that wasn’t the primary basis for school report cards; because I would have failed miserably! I can only imagine what extroverts and “other-learners” experience when they constantly fail at academics but excel in other “non-report-card” ways. Well, they probably feel a lot like I do socially: a misfit, a square peg in a round hole.
Some people, fortunately, emerge from being a “misfit” as a marvelous butterfly, fully embracing their unique way of being the world. Others, like me, either develop mental illness or due to mental illness, experience deep anguish and meander through the maze of life with a mistaken identity. And create a self-fulfilling prophecy of not fitting in based upon experience. Another vicious cycle.
I tapped into this deep anguish recently, triggered of all things, by job searching on an employment website. There was nothing that suited my particular limitations and strengths. I felt absolutely useless and hopeless. Plus given my unique circumstances, I fall between the cracks for financial aid options. So what did I do? Spiral downward, of course. Not just a hiccup of negative thinking. Nope, full blown despair (ugly cry and all). The “tap” analogy is quite fitting: it felt like someone had untapped a well-corked source of pain. Once released, there was no turning off that faucet until the well ran dry.
Finally my body could release the belief and pain of not fitting in since early childhood. I can end the self-fulfilling prophecy/vicious cycle by focusing on my unique place in the world. As someone pointed out to me recently, it doesn’t have anything to with pegs or holes, but rather sprinkling fairy dust over the whole thing. And in so doing, I will find other like-minded fairies —the unicorns of “fitting in.” We do exist, you know. You may have to patiently watch for us and wait for us to approach; but we are there, quietly doing our thing.
I have yet to discover if being a fairy/unicorn is more financially viable that being a hermit; but it can’t hurt to try! At any rate, it is much better for my mental health. Yes, I see the irony in referencing fairies and unicorns as proper mental hygiene. But sometimes it is good to think outside the box. We can’t all “go with the flow.” Some of us need to be elusive unicorns, just to keep everything in perspective.
Wishing you all good mental hygiene, keeping everything in perspective. Sometimes the things that go bump in the night are leaving behind sweet dreams of better things yet to come. Even if we have to believe in fairies to make it come true.
Read More
Posted on Jan 23, 2018
New year. New you. How often do we hear versions of that throughout the month of January? We are actually self-sabotaging our self-improvement efforts when we force New Year’s resolutions upon ourselves. Primarily because it is the wrong time of year for making big change. In reality, spring and fall are the seasons for change. We set ourselves up for success when we consider when we make change as well as what we want to change.
Instead of resolution, I think January is a better time for reflection. With proper reflection, we can make well-thought-out changes when the time is right. And when we are ready to make change, we will have the resolve to follow through.
January is a good time to reflect back on the past year to consider what went well, what didn’t go well, what could use tweaking, and what needs to be left alone. It’s also an opportunity to let go. Let go of what didn’t work and all the associated emotions. Let go of last year’s disappointments. Focus on what could be better this year.
And we really do have to embrace the serenity prayer as it is commonly known:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
~ Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)
When we reflect upon the past year and consider what might be ahead, we do have to acknowledge that there are things that cannot be changed, as well as what kind of courage it will take to embrace change.
And often, we are easily overwhelmed by the thought of making change. We see the effort required, and think we don’t have the energy, time, or motivation. Dig deeper and we might see that we do not believe we are worth the effort to make necessary changes. Sometimes we stay stuck because we are stuck in our thinking or have unrealistic expectations of ourselves or others.
A time of reflection is very necessary to follow through on resolutions. When we resolve to do something, we need to know what is truly achievable at this time. We need to build upon small successes to see a big dream come to fruition. It doesn’t happen with one leap, single decision, or overnight. If we are changing habits, we need to be able to address the thinking that started the bad habit in the first place. Note to self: comfort eating. Am I worth the effort of choosing more effective ways of handling emotions or self-soothing? And maybe I’ll start with reducing how much I eat compulsively rather than omitting all comfort food.
I need to know why I am aiming for change in order to ensure success. If I am making change for someone else’s reasons (i.e. latest fitness or food trend), I won’t be motivated to see it through. It’s not realistic for me to work out a gym, but I can take a 20 minute walk every day. What do I enjoy? What can I enhance? What works with who I am as person? How do I want to live the gift of my life?
That really is the question: how do I want to live the gift of my life? I only get once chance. Do I want to spend the gift of my life to meet the expectations of others? Or do I want to live out the gift of my life honouring the very gift itself? What is the gift of…”me”? Only I am responsible for “me”—what do I want that to look like? How do I want to express what makes me “me”?
So, if I can challenge you this new year, take some time for quiet reflection before making any changes in 2018. Be sure you know what you want to change, what you want to change to, and what it will take to change. And during this quiet time of reflection, make sure to also take note of what went well and what you want to carry forward into 2018.
Only you can be you. This isn’t about adhering to a belief system, living up to standards or expectations, achieving resolutions. This is about knowing who you are. The gift of being you. How can you be “you” this year? Take time for quiet reflection to discover who you “naturally” are, what about your life is consistent with who you are, and what isn’t. Sometimes following someone else’s “good” or “right” is in fact harmful to your very Be-ing. Be sure to ask (and answer — with kindness and compassion) the question, “Who am I?” before resolving to make change this year. You might discover your initial resolutions are not what’s most needed for your Be-ing.
Read More
Posted on Dec 28, 2017
December. Amazing how a month can become such a crazy time of year filled with hustle and bustle as well as intense emotion. We have so many associations with this time of year. Some positive, some negative. And yet it is meant to be a season of quiet reflection and regeneration—to ready us for the next year’s cycle of spring, summer, and fall.
As I reflected upon what to write for this month’s blog, the word that came to mind was Light. This entire holiday season is deeply rooted in the lunar calendar and the revolving rotations of the earth. It is the season of the Winter Solstice marking the shortest day of the year. This is the darkest period if you live in the northern, Northern Hemisphere—a place I am very fortunate to live as it lends itself well to this holiday season of Light. Christmas just isn’t the same if you live nearer to the equator or in the Southern Hemisphere. For me, growing up with Canadian winters, I cannot imagine experiencing Christmas in summer conditions!
This time of year is resplendent with light in various forms with diverse reasons. Christmas lights act like a beacon on the dark nights—guiding our eye to a symbol of warmth. The stars twinkle brighter. Even the sun casts a different glow. And I realize my perspective is a rural one. In urban centres, the decorative lights are a welcome change from the standard street lamps and advertising signs. Again, they serve to point the way to something more significant than “business as usual.”
Religious faith also imparts meaning to the Light of this season: Hanukkah, the Jewish Festival of Lights, celebrates the rededication of the Holy Temple after a time of oppression by the Greeks and the miraculous one-day supply of oil that lasted for eight days; for Christians, Christmas, celebrates the birth of Christ—the Light of the World; Kwanzaa is an African-American celebration that also incorporates candles into their customs representing family, loved ones, and reflection upon principles of importance.
A concept I have been recently introduced to is that of soul-light. I continue to read Anam Cara by John O’Donohue. And he presents a counter-intuitive concept of body and soul—that the body is actually within the soul, not vice versa. When we allow our soul-light to infuse our body, we alter our human experience on this planet as it allows us to honour and live out our True Selves. A meditation/mindfulness practice I have added to my morning routine is one of holding myself tight (wrapping myself in a hug) while inhaling my soul-light and exhaling the dark shadows. And it has definitely positively impacted how I start my day when I take the time for mindfulness meditation in the morning.
This year-end in the midst of winter is a season of Light expressed, symbolized, and manifested in many different ways. The short days of sunlight allow for longer periods of darkness creating a backdrop for lights to shine. Our lives our much the same, only in contrast with the dark shadows do our soul-lights shine the brightest. We appreciate all forms of light much differently this time of year; and we need to make room for quiet times of reflection in order to replenish our soul-light in readiness for a new year.
May you invite your soul-light to infuse your body and shine bright in 2018—regardless of what the year brings, what crawls out from the shadows, or what backdrop your life is set against. Peace, love, and joy in the New Year
Read More
