The past 2 months have been quite revelatory for me which has taken some time to process. Reading over journal entries was in itself cause for further reflection. As much as I am an open book in my blog, I tend to keep details private. However, context is needed to make sense of these self-revelations. A 10-month dating situation ended the first week of June that prompted a regression to my teen years (being a hopeless disappointment). I still miss the man and his teenage daughter; but I know both the relationship(s) and its ending are for my best.
One of the first observations I made was this: “I don’t know how to be in a relationship just for me. I don’t know if it exists. I am always fucking accommodating someone. I don’t know how to show up any other way…I’m totally okay with sacrificing my happiness for the well-being of others. Done that my entire life.”
A couple days later I noted, “I overfunction trying to prevent bad things from happening.” And the following day, “It’s hard for me not to rationalize away the sadness. I must stop overthinking…Just because people choose not to put in the effort does NOT mean I’m not worth it…Core belief to assess: my life only has meaning in service to others. Most people don’t value this belief. I don’t know what the alternatives are. My life has meaning simply because I am here. I choose to make it more meaningful by helping others. But first it has to have meaning ‘as is.’”
On June 11th I wrote, “I can make the world a better place just by being in it. I don’t have to fix a damn thing… My presence may light the way for some, not everyone. I remain a very flawed human myself who needs others to light the way on occasion as well – oddly, sometimes by the lack of the light. Darkness also indicates the way to go at times – either to avoid it or hide in it.” I go on to talk about getting my pattern (trauma bonding and overfunctioning) out of my system. Like my abuse recovery clients, I, too, select less harmful options each time I venture out into the dating pool. At the end of this entry, I declared, “I will no longer make myself small for someone, nor tolerate bullshit once I see it.” Of course, this will take more practice. It is not learned overnight.
I first learned about over/under functioning from reading Harriet Lerner’s The Dance of Anger (1985) – a concept based in Bowen Family Systems Theory. In a nutshell, overfunctioning is doing too much for people, and underfunctioning is not doing enough for ourselves – and usually getting upset when the desired results aren’t achieved. Given my upbringing, I swoop in to the save day when others do not manage their own emotions, fulfill obligations, complete basic tasks, etc (whether it is asked of me or not). Don’t get me wrong, I am also capable of underfunctioning – like not speaking up when I am uncomfortable or avoiding tasks that I feel ill-equipped to tackle (for example, back when I was married, I let my husband drive in the city because I was too scared/intimidated to learn – until I had to for medical appointments as he couldn’t always take off work to chauffeur me).
The other key pattern is trauma bonding – not the variety involving bonding over trauma, but the abusive kind which is a little less straightforward – when a person is sucked into a seesaw-like exchange of good and bad. In my case, the trauma bonding and overfunctioning go hand-in-hand. At one point I noted in my journal, “I had to get sucked-in in order to bear witness to my present and my past. And to understand that trauma bonding never wins or works. It acted like a real-life object lesson.” Some people describe it as a transactional relationship – needs met in exchange for certain behaviours.
My trauma-bonding and overfunctioning is complicated by OCD which is convinced, “If I don’t get it right, bad things will happen.” I compulsively overfunction to prevent bad things from happening such as rejection or disconnection from others. My brain also assumes my needs won’t be met if I don’t overfunction (imprinting from my childhood and adolescence that to have a chance of having a need met, I had to overfunction). This chance at having a need met is the trauma bonding and is reinforced when, on occasion, a need is met to some degree.
Add to these patterns, the inner child’s plea: “I will be who you want me to be – just love me.” Hence, I keep trying to twist and contort myself in exchange for safety and security with another person (transactional relationship). Near the end of June, I was able to note, “I don’t need to do that anymore. I am safe with myself.” This is crucial inner child work – feeling safe with oneself. My inner child is no longer trauma-bonded with anyone. I can reparent her to feel safe and secure with my adult self. I will protect her and make sure her needs are met – out of love and respect, for no other reason or hidden agenda. Self-care becomes inner child work when we quit demanding more of ourselves than is feasible, quit pushing ourselves to perform beyond limits of body, mind, or spirit.
By July, my journal entries shifted into self-acceptance and taking responsibility for self-care and safety. On the first of July, I was able to write: “How empowering it is to own and take responsibility for my fragility and sensitivity. My true authentic self. I don’t need to hide it or be somebody else. I am no longer a vulnerable child, dependent upon authority figures…I am completely and wholly my own person – who longs for connection and belonging – but is no longer willing to sacrifice or hide my true nature for said connection and belonging.” A week later, I was able to process the need for a relationship in terms of thriving (functioning at my full potential) rather than survival (being insufficient or incapable of managing on my own).
Throughout the month of July, I wrote statements such as:
“Needing a partner is not a sign of failure or weakness.”
“I do not need to overfunction to get my needs met.”
“Speaking up rather than swallowing my words as a safety measure.”
“I must reset my nervous system to speak up when I am uncomfortable.”
“Transforming my core of shame into something bright & beautiful, strong & fiercely fabulous, becoming fabulously fierce. That is the real glow up.”
“I truly want to engage with someone – not coax, convince, cajole, or contort myself in anyway – nor them.”
“My value is not dependent upon functioning. It is about Be-ing.”
And from social media courtesy of ‘CPTSD Explained By Liza:’ “The nervous system heals in connection because it was wounded in connection.”
My Internal Family System (see Nov 2024 ) is doing ‘its thing’ absorbing and assimilating this new framework with plenty of resistance from my Inner Critic represented by Owl in the Winnie-the-Pooh cast of characters. I know he means well, trying to protect me from disappointment. The irony is, he’d rather have me accept ‘life sucks’ before it even has a chance to glow up. Life is full of disappointments; but I don’t have to pre-empt any of them. That keeps me stuck and unempowered. Life is meant to be enjoyed, not endured. A concept Owl is not entirely comfortable with yet. He’s better at fiercely independent endurance than joyful, hopeful, vulnerable authenticity.
What about you? How are you managing the ups and downs of life? What core beliefs are being challenged? What opportunities for ‘glow up’ have you encountered? Feel free to submit a comment or send an email.
This month’s blog is actually from a mid-May journal entry. Not that June hasn’t provided plenty of material for blogging! But I am still processing it, and this entry was a contender for May and remains relevant. The journal entry started with: “Mind blowing realization on the walk this morning. Sitting on the back deck in the finally warm sunshine with my tea and Abbie. She, of course, insisted we sit outside. 😊 Such a creature of habit – but then, so am I. Such different reasons for journalling than a year ago!” What follows is an edited version of that entry.
My morning discovery had to do with how autistic I am. 😉 My research [during Master of Arts studies] on Avoidant Personality Disorder was really an attempt to understand my unrecognized autism. Makes so much sense now! Like a lens has been sharpened or a window cleaned. “Getting it right” has been both autism and OCD: to know what is expected of me, the rules, etc. Which prompted me to ponder the relationship between religion and all its rules and autism.
At first, I thought they might be a good fit – and then I recognized why not: the rules are always shifting; it is not cut and dried, doesn’t seem to apply to all participants equally; and when the rules don’t make sense, neurodivergents find it confusing. My OCD wouldn’t let me reject the inconsistent or nonsensical rules outright. But now that I can, it is very liberating. My autism wanted to follow the rules so I wouldn’t feel the angst of being uncertain of what was expected of me. My OCD was afraid of getting into trouble.
No wonder my brain and body are worn out trying to assess every single situation. Neurodivergence also explains my conflicted relationship with change. I can adapt to some major life changes like moving across the country better than when stores change their layout or different staff greet me. I like that I know my physician’s receptionist. She was on lunch break when I was there last; and I found that slightly unsettling. I am getting better at adapting. It didn’t throw me for a loop. Not as badly as forgetting the pill bottle and having to turn around to get it. But I kept myself from escalating which is not insignificant.
Conducting a family meeting was also a reminder why I don’t do adolescent or family therapy. I am too straightforward. I don’t pick up social cues – just emotional ones. I am constantly trying to ascertain what is expected of me. Boggles my mind how some people move through life with ease. Makes sense why I’m so tired – especially after social interactions. It’s not just a trauma-bond, learned behaviour. It is also autism trying to get it right.
I’ve come a long way since my indecisive teen and young adult years! I remember the angst of making a choice or stating a preference – had to know what everyone else thought/wanted first. Not just for fear of judgement, or not rocking the boat, or rejection sensitivity – but not knowing what was expected or “right. Back to reflecting upon religion, it blows my mind how ‘the church’ neglects basic kindness and common courtesy. Yet autistics generally understand those “rules” – except when combined with narcissism like Sheldon from Big BangTheory.
Now I understand why I lost interest in hosting dinner parties – too exhausting. Too many unspoken expectations/rules. I was trying to create connections and sense of belonging. All I got was stress and the occasional pat on the back. The return on investment diminished. It couldn’t prove my worth, or validate my existence, or generate belonging. I was trying to follow the rule of “family gathering.” I did make people feel loved and included. But at what cost to myself?
I wonder if there will ever be a time that I don’t have to try so hard? I’m autistic; so I never know if I’m doing the right thing. No wonder I am so dependent upon ‘external validation.’ I need concrete feedback just to function. However, I need to separate that from personal worth and value. No wonder us neurodivergents struggle with worthiness. We are constantly challenged on that subject. And seldom get usable feedback with kindness and acceptance.
All that time thinking my brain was broken, it was wired differently and lacked proper production of the neurotransmitters serotonin and dopamine. I survived on relief – when the job got done or crisis averted/resolved. Always asking: Am I of use? Am I of benefit to others? Very layered. From people pleasing coping mechanism to religious rule to personal value system. Other people are “just here” to get the most out of life – whatever that means to them. Others are eking out their existence just doing what needs to be done.
What is anyone’s driving force? Is it external or internal? Mine is shifting from primarily external to more internal – aligned with who I am. Not simply survival, but thriving. I’ve had glimpses. And I had to walk away from my religion and my marriage in order to achieve that. That makes me sad as well as relieved. Feels like so much wasted time. Can’t change the trajectory of my life. Yet so glad that heaviness that I carried well into my adult years has lifted. I can’t remember a time when it wasn’t there. It has eased incrementally. The religious and marital oppression is also gone. I can think for myself now. I have shed so much garbage: from within and without.
I guess this is a post about self-acceptance. I know that June has been about not pushing myself so hard; and I sense that it has a lot to do with this. We’ll see what surfaces or gets adequately processed in the coming weeks. May you all have a wonderful summer being driven by whatever force keeps you going. Feel free to share any reflections you have upon self-acceptance and driving forces.
So. How has your month of May been? Mine has been all over the place – and not just because of the crazy weather here in Manitoba – although that has been a significant part of it. Mid-month, I was prepared to write a blog about a new revelation regarding my neurodivergence – particularly how autistic I really am. However, this past week, I watched a continuing education webinar about social media use called Logging Out or Leaning In – Mental Health Related Consequences of Social Media for Adolescents and You presented by Amori Yee Mikami via my professional association, CCPA.
With the controversy surrounding the upsurge of AI, I found this webinar particularly relevant – and reinforced my decision to use AI as little as possible. However, in today’s online world, it is challenging to determine what is an algorithm-based platform like a search engine and what is artificial-intelligence-produced content – and is there a difference? Organizations in various countries (prompting some to make new laws) have determined that these big tech companies are making apps and platforms with addictive properties geared toward children, let alone adults getting sucked in to click bait and betting apps.
There is no end to greed, it seems. While I have no control over gluttonous corporations, I can choose how to use my devices and to what extent. My particular blend of neurodivergent traits doesn’t find apps, reels, platforms and the like that appealing. I get bored with it pretty quickly. However, I do notice more what provides a dopamine hit and what doesn’t. I don’t know if anyone has done a study on how technology affects neurodivergent brains compared to neurotypical ones; but they are designed to suck you in and keep you engaged.
As the presentation I watched explained, social media has monetized attention. Eyeballs plus interaction equals income. It is no longer simply about connecting with old friends and distant family but has become a regular part of life having been around for approximately 20 years already. A portion of the population doesn’t even know what it’s like to be without technology snuggled in the palm of one’s hand, or available at the flick of a wrist, or embedded in one’s ears. The impact on mental health and development has become a global concern.
I appreciated the practical recommendations made by Amori Mikami. It isn’t about abstaining from social media (although that has limited benefit); it is about choosing how to use it mindfully rather than reflexively. Here are some questions to ask ourselves and/or teach our children/adolescents.
Am I going on social media as a reflex or am I making an active and informed choice?
Why do I want to check social media right now?
Is this a good time and place to check social media?
What do I want to do on social media?
Is doing this going to be good for me?
If it is a good time and place, and for a good reason, then go for it. When done for that reason, notice that, and STOP. Get off social media when the reason or goal has been achieved. The challenge for neurodivergent brains is the neurotransmitter dopamine. Often, we get sucked in because it ‘feels good’ due to the hit of dopamine (something our brains lack) and is tricky to quit something stimulating. On the flip side, we can also become overstimulated easily by the content in our feeds, so finding that sweet spot and respecting it isn’t easy.
Good reasons include:
activities that bring joy or meaning,
strengthen relationships and connections with people far away,
social supports.
What makes social media use worse:
endless scrolling,
time wasting,
social comparisons,
rumination (overthinking),
isolation,
not furthering meaningful relationships or connections.
Mikami encourages to make it a family challenge that fosters dialogue: What’s been hard and been easy for you? And to discuss monetized attention and the dilemma that what is viewed could be useful information, but most content providers want your money. Just like watching commercials. We have to be aware of what someone is selling and why. What she calls healthy scepticism.
This actually dovetails with the addiction webinar series I was watching along with a mini-article that I saved for quitting smoking. Once we have determined we are ready to quit the harmful activity (smoking, drinking, scrolling, binge eating etc.), next comes the hard part – dealing with cravings. The article suggests trying the 4 Ds.
Delay – when you feel the urge to participate in the habit you are trying to quit, wait 10 minutes before lighting up, picking up your phone, taking a sip or a bite, etc. and your craving may disappear. From a therapy perspective, this also acts as a way to increase distress tolerance – tolerating the discomfort of your craving a little longer each time.
Distract yourself – try an activity that doesn’t allow you to smoke, drink, access your phone, etc. such as participating in a physical activity, cooking a meal, playing with pets or children – or choosing another source of dopamine like listening to music.
Deep breathing – may help you focus on something other than your harmful habit. It also engages the parasympathetic nervous system for calming or regulating your mind and body. Breathe in through the nose, hold for a moment or two, then exhale through the mouth. Do this three times and check in how your brain and body feels. Keep doing in groups of three until you notice your system slowing down.
Drink water – to help flush nicotine or other toxins out of your system and to keep your mouth busy.
I modified these pointers to be applicable to more than smoking, and I don’t know what magazine I saved this little article out of, but I think it’s worth a try given its similarity and overlap with other coping tools I’ve come across in my line of work. Our brains and bodies will thank us – and maybe our friends and family, too.
Please share any breaking-bad-habit or forming-healthy-habit tips that you have found helpful. While I have to keep my overactive brain from dwelling on the discouraging side of where technology is leading us, I hope I can moderate my use of it and continue making the world a better place just by being in it – which includes releasing what no longer serves me in order to embrace what makes life more fulfilling.
