I will be cheating this month and revisiting a blog from August 2014 as November has been an emotional roller coaster for me; and I am not prepared to unpack the roller coaster by reading over November journal entries right now. I somehow got caught unawares that it is the last Sunday (and day!) of the month without any inkling of writing a blog.
However, as is my practice during Advent Season (the four Sundays leading up to Christmas Day), I opened my notebook with a collection of readings pertaining to Winter Solstice and the themes of Advent. The first few are about “everyday sacredness” – including my blog from August 2014: Directions. As for specific advent-themed readings, today’s topic is Hope. Next Sunday is Peace, followed by Joy and Love.
To my pleasant surprise, I realized this 11-year-old blog is also about Hope after reading the meditation I had collected for this first Sunday of Advent – “Open Yourself to the Universe” from My Pocket Meditations for Self-Compassion by Courtney E. Ackerman (2020, p. 126). When we take a satellite- or bird’s-eye- view of our physical being in our particular dwelling, then slowly zoom out to our roadway, neighbourhood, larger community, region, country, continent, planet until it, too, is just a speck, we regain perspective. In the meditation Courtney writes:
“Think about all that this universe has to offer you. Think about the unsolved mysteries, the questions left unanswered – and the questions we haven’t even though to ask yet – and all the beautiful wonderful things in the known universe. Know that if you do not open yourself up to receiving from the universe, you will miss out on so many of these awesome experiences. Commit to staying open to receiving whatever the universe has in store for you.”
It can have a balancing effect to both our humility and our pride. We are just a speck in the Cosmos, yet all of Life is on offer. Hope allows us to recognize both our significance and our insignificance. Just a speck; and yet we are each an integral part of the Universe – on equal footing with every other speck – each one capable of opening themselves up to receiving all the good available to us.
We can get mired in the muck of daily struggles. November has been that way for me. Remembering I am a fragile yet powerful butterfly whose wings can effect change on a larger scale (in comparison) has been both humbling and empowering. I am just a speck, but one worthy of living with courage in the strength, truth, and beauty of who I am. I matter in the Grand Scheme of Things – so do you. Hope allows us to remember this even when mired in the muck. To help us remember, here’s the blog from 2014 with further thoughts following.
As many of you are aware, I have an interest in spirituality as well as psychology and appreciate whenever I can bring those interests together. So this blog will be an opportunity for me to introduce you to some native spirituality that dovetails beautifully with the journey metaphor for counselling and life. Some time ago, I came across an article on “The Four Directions: A Spiritual Guide to Centering Yourself” by Roy Henry Vickers (Spirit of the North, Summer 2010). In this article, the four directions are the four doors of the sweat lodge experience.
EAST is the direction of the teacher (pray for lessons and for something to teach) and faces the sun—that ball of fire that gives life to the earth, the season is spring, and the element is fire. It is the also the direction to pray for children.
SOUTH is the direction of the healer (pray for healing and wholeness) and for women, the season is summer, and the element is the earth for mother earth provides food for the body and medicines to help us heal.
WEST is the direction of the visionary (being able to see in the dark and with our eyes closed as well as to clearly see the way to journey through this world) and for men, the season is autumn, and the element is water.
NORTH is the direction of the warrior (pray for courage to stand in the strength, truth, and beauty of who I am) and of the elder. The season is winter and the element is wind.
Recently I read another version of the four directions, including three more, in the novel Keeper’n Me by Richard Wagamese (1994/2006, pp. 306-307). The seven directions of life make a circle, the complete journey, the whole human being.
EAST is the place of light where the sun comes from. Learn illumination, the beginnings of knowing.
SOUTH is the place of innocence and trust. Learn to listen to the teachings with an open heart and open ears.
WEST is the look-inside place and of growing. Learn to investigate what you feel.
NORTH is the place of wisdom. Learn to pause, look back along the path you followed and see the lesson. Reflect.
UP & DOWN is the motion of life; the day-by-day things that we get hung up on and forget how far we have travelled. Lessons that come from breathing; power of choice; practice the wisdom we found from travelling the first four directions.
INSIDE is the place of truth. “You gather there with all the travellers who made that journey too, and you are alone no more.”
These two concepts – hope and directions – prompted me to consider ways I can incorporate the Four Directions into my routine(s) such as placing a “cue card” on my fridge to remind me to attend to the Divine, Big Picture, Cosmos, etc. If I stand in my kitchen, I can face windows in each of the four directions and apply the four “elemental” breath prayers.
Facing East, I can express gratitude for life’s lessons as the alternative is to cease to exist. I can breathe in the Fiery Presence, and exhale ‘becoming fire.’ Turning North, I can pray for courage to stand in the strength, truth, and beauty of who I am (a great daily affirmation!) and breathe in the Breath of Life, acknowledging on the out breath that I am connected to all living things. A quarter turn towards the West, I welcome insight to see clearly the way to journey through the muck of daily life. I breathe in Living Water, ‘becoming verdant’ on the out breath. The last turn facing South, I invite healing and wholeness, connecting with the groundedness of Mother Earth as I inhale, and ‘becoming grounded and nurturing’ as I exhale – knowing nurturing applies to myself as well as towards others.
Once I get into this habit, I can consider adding the other three directions (up, down, inside).
To end, I shall re-iterate my closing comments from August 2014:
If you are feeling lost on your own healing journey, combining the natural world of the four elements and compass points may be just what you need to regain that sense of direction [and Hope] you are looking for.
The rug got ripped out from under me near the beginning of the month; so, I’ve been in recovery mode. I debated even writing a blog this month. My journal entries have been all over the place. I spent quite a bit of time with my Internal Family System [Nov 2024] which has been enlightening. The gloomy weather isn’t helping. I need sunshine; and there isn’t much in the forecast for the next week. Therefore, I am going to have to root around in my therapeutic toolbox to get me through, such as sticking to routines, assigning myself at least one task to complete per day, watching that my thoughts don’t spiral out of control, daily affirmations, and above all, music.
In the end, I decided that my journal entries about my internal family system will write the blog for me this month. So what has my internal family system taught me? One analogy that came to mind right after the rug was ripped away was of being on life support. I wrote on October 8th: “Feels like I’ve been taken off life support; and everyone is waiting for me to breathe on my own. My entire IFS is waiting with baited breath.” I’m not certain who was on life support; but it makes the most sense that it was “me,” the Narrator. I like the imagery of the team/family surrounding me, discussing in quiet whispers what next steps will be. All lovingly watchful and hopeful – silently cheering me on.”
The next day, I wrote about being tired of coming home to myself, and that cPTSD makes it that much harder – “we’ve never felt at home; so we don’t even know how to provide that for our Selves. My IFS is in chaos; and the Narrator needs a break – doesn’t know how to tell the story from here. Where is the story supposed to go? Eeyore, of course, is defeatist. Piglet is anxious. Winnie-the-Pooh wants to eat. Rabbit (OCD) is overthinking – round and round. Owl (inner critic) is in I-told-you-so mode and “What else could I expect?” Tigger (neurodivergence) is out of control – can’t focus or motivate the team to get tasks done. The cPTSD Heffalumps are ready to stampede. Kanga (nurturing mother figure) and Roo (inner child) are beyond confused. Nobody knows what to do – not even Christopher Robin, the fixer.”
In that same entry, I explore the question of how to feel at home within myself. “The Narrator has to comfort the IFS. They have to work together. Winnie-the-Pooh must resist eating to fill the void, and help the team with his pithy wisdom and mindfulness. He can calm Piglet – the team always has each other; and we’ll deal with the worst-case scenario when we get to it. For today, we have to come together and soothe the Narrator. Rabbit has to distract himself from obsessing about the situation. Owl needs to be quiet and simply be a still, calming presence as part of the team – not above it. He can no more survive without the rest than any other team member.
“Eeyore needs to be reminded that all is not lost – depression is a deceptive blanket of comfort. Tigger will do his best to focus and complete at least one task. However, Eeyore is really pulling for despondency and doing nothing, rolled up in the blanket of doom. I think the team needs to circle Eeyore and remind him he is loved and cared for, and always has a family within this IFS. Yep. The team needs to sit with Eeyore in silence. Being together. They’ve got each other.
“As helpless as Kanga and Christopher Robin feel – they can’t fix it – but they can be with Eeyore. Piglet and Rabbit can’t obsess about finances – it won’t help or change anything. We must let this play out, let the chips land where they may. When the storm blows over, we will pick up the pieces and see what we can do with them – together as a team.”
Later in the month, around my birthday, I discovered the concept of “pre-expansion wobbles” which evolved over the week into exploring cocooning in preparation for metamorphosis into a beautiful butterfly.
“So often, the moment right before something extraordinary arrives is the moment life feels the most unfamiliar, the most tender, the most uncomfortable. It doesn’t mean you’re off track. It doesn’t mean you’re out of alignment. It means you’re in the stretch – suspended between who you’ve been and who you’re becoming. The pre-expansion wobbles are real. But they’re not a signal to quit or turn back. They’re an invitation to lean in. A quiet whisper reminding you: you’re almost there.” Moon Omens Oct. 16
On the 24th, I was really struggling with a feeling of angst that I couldn’t identify. As an empath, I wasn’t sure if it was mine or picking up something from elsewhere. When consulted, no one in my IFS claimed ownership. In the context of metamorphosis, I explored if the angst was part of releasing the caterpillar (grief work), and noted “The Narrator is transitioning from caterpillar to butterfly. What that will look like remains to be seen. At any rate, a different framework/outlook.”
The next day, I considered adding a “generous empath” to my IFS in the form of a fragile yet powerful butterfly (or gypsy moth as per the animated film, “A Bug’s Life” which of course I had to watch as Heimlich’s phrase, “I’m a beautiful butterfly” kept going through my head). In a somewhat comic twist, I even considered incorporating a dragon; but a butterfly seems easier to adapt to the Winnie-the-Pooh cast of characters.
“Not every breakthrough will be loud. Much of your growth hums softly beneath the surface, like roots expanding where no one can see. Some moments don’t ask for action, they ask for awareness. That calm you feel now is alignment easing into place. The body speaks in pulses. The soul speaks in pauses. Let this day be the soft exhale between becoming and being.” Source Messages, Oct. 25.
Today, I noted that my IFS has healed a lot and is working together much better – more a cohesive whole than fragmented parts. And that is what my therapy mash-up of Narrative Internal Family Systems is all about – learning to accept all parts, what each contributes, how each needs to step back, and how they come together to support each other. It takes time, patience, and practice; but eventually, a shift occurs from fragmented to whole, creating a new framework and outlook on life. There is hope, regardless of what life throws at us, if we pursue our own healing.
As usual, my journal entries for September have covered a variety of topics; but one theme in particular rose to the surface for this month’s blog: gentle recalibration. Which actually started at the end of June, prompted by a social media meme promising in 3 months that I was going to be in a completely different space mentally, spiritually, and financially. On the 24th of September, I explored whether that was indeed true.
Imagine my surprise when I realized much had changed for me, albeit financially may be in decline rather than influx at the moment – which prompted a whole other level of exploration with my Internal Family System [see Nov 2024]. This ongoing recalibration resulted in making 4 releasing statements on this Monday morning’s walk (followed by explosive diarrhea – for those who understand the mind-body connection – sorry if that’s TMI for the rest of you 😉.) But now that I read over the notes for this blog, I realize I missed a couple releasing statements. I will note all 7 at the end of this blog.
A couple days before the 24th “deadline,” I observed that my Internal Family System has been relatively quiet this month, and that it was as if my safety system had been engaged, with the ironic twist being an increased awareness of Autism/ADHD/neurodivergence [see Jan 2025]. At first, I thought my neurodivergence would just be part of the herd of Heffalumps. But if OCD has representation in Rabbit, neurodivergence should have a character too.
I realized Tigger represents AuADHD/neurodivergence beautifully – as he tends to be either easily distracted or hyper-fixated. He also doesn’t fit the ‘norm’ of neurotypicals. He is one-of-a-kind – much like the uniqueness of my neurodivergence and the quote in the image above: “Once in a while someone amazing comes along…and here I am” – as well as his pithy self-affirming statement: “The most wonderful things about Tiggers is I’m the only one!”
I initially thought of Tigger as joy or excitement – but that’s unfair to the team/internal family who all get to experience joy and excitement. It is weird to be in this strange limbo land where my Internal Family System is quiet. I’m gaining a new level of self-awareness. And yet it feels like I’m waiting for the next chapter of my life to start. Weirdly, I’m really excited when I think about what that could look like.
When it came to exploring financial scarcity mindset, I queried which member of my Internal Family System was agitated about money. I suspected a member of the cPTSD Heffalump herd [see May 2025]. However, Rabbit obsesses about it now and then; and Owl admonishes on occasion. Pooh worries about having enough food. Piglet is just anxious all the time; but even he has been relatively quiet. And everyone knows Eyore’s assessment can’t be trusted. 😉 I guess every member has a role to play in scarcity mindset – even Christopher Robin, the fixer. Except for Roo, representing my inner child. He just wonders why the team/family gets worked up over money every now and then.
So once again, it is up to me, the Narrator, to calm the team and remind them that all will be well. Being okay with the unknown. Somehow, all will be well. It will. There is no sense/benefit/need to worry about it. An answer will come – when I least expect it. It’s also interesting to note that I didn’t notice any IFS disturbance after recent changes in my online dating life. In a way, it can be summarized by saying I levelled up to being a grownup from scared-little-girl mode.
I wonder if my inner child, represented by Roo, gets to be just a kid now? I didn’t realize until this month how much responsibility fell on Roo’s tiny shoulders. S/he really did feel like s/he had to call the shots/take charge/etc. when everyone else was triggered. And Kanga, the mother figure, felt helpless to intervene – rendered powerless by the chaos – worried as much as everyone else. Poor little Roo. I, the Narrator, will do my best not to let that happen again. When the team worries about money, it puts a lot of pressure on Roo to restore balance and safety.
Balance and safety shouldn’t be associated with money – but it is in Roo’s mind – because when everyone worries, the Heffalumps get restless – and Roo feels scared and all alone. Everyone is preoccupied. Roo feels responsible or pressure to restore order and equilibrium. Except Roo never could. ☹ Hence why financial scarcity makes me feel all alone and wanting someone to take care of me. My parents’ preoccupation with money meant there were no resources for “family affairs.” We were all to be self-sufficient creatures – earning our keep. Minimal care for development and growth. Zero attention paid to safety and security – unless it pertained to money.
My journal also explores, once again, the core belief that I can’t keep the love/attention of a man. Internalized as being about me and not the men. Rooted in my relationship with my dad [see Nov 2023]. I could never keep his attention or stay in his good graces. I was never enough – on my own merit or as a continuation of my birth mother. I couldn’t be her. Nor could I be myself – whomever that was. I couldn’t be frightened, or scared, or autistic, or distracted, or divergent by any means. I couldn’t think for myself or make my own choices. I wasn’t allowed to be autonomous. I was an extension of other people – part of a system, cog in a machine – whether it was family, school, or church. I didn’t exist independently; yet I didn’t feel I belonged either.
It is time to upgrade that operating system – which involves those 7 releasing statements, some of which make more sense in the context of my journal-writing rather than stand-alone statements. But here goes, in no particular order. I release:
the shame of submission resulting from advocacy (for myself or others), leading to push back, triggering the internalized shame messages;
my inner child from the responsibility of financial scarcity;
myself from scared-little-girl mode;
being solely responsible for relationship success;
the negative energy that surrounded me for decades;
myself from four toxic familial dynamics;
the inability to keep the love and attention of a man.
For decades I was surrounded by negative energy – from toxic systems, family dynamics, and relationship rules. I am finally free of that. Not that bad things and bad days won’t still happen, but I am learning to find the silver lining, the grace notes, the transformative energy. Attracting what’s meant for me, repelling what isn’t. I am prioritizing faith over fears, belief over doubt. Confident that all my needs are being met. September has been a bizarre month when I think about it – but it makes far more sense in the context of gentle recalibration – for which I am grateful.
