Posted on Aug 29, 2024
As I read over the journal entries for the month of August, I’m not sure what to make of it. It has certainly been life changing, but not in the ways one usually thinks of – such as change in job or housing or relationship status. And I feel like I’m on the cusp of something phenomenal. It is a strange feeling – and reminds me of this time 29 years ago when I was about to meet my future husband.
While I didn’t feel like I was on the cusp of something about to happen, I was going through a time of change – re-evaluating many aspects of my life such as my job, housing, and relationship status as well as my faith. It struck me this morning that I was a human being having a religious/spiritual experience while now I consider myself a spiritual being having a human experience. However, I wasn’t in tune with my humanness – almost an ill-defined human. Now that I have become comfortable with my spirituality, I am better able to embrace my humanness. Back then, I wasn’t familiar with what it meant to be human – only a religious version of one.
The parallels between then and now continue to surprise me. However, I can guarantee I am not on the cusp of meeting a future husband. 😉 But a long-term relationship would be welcome. As mentioned in my previous blog, I have embarked on online dating. That has been a significant change in my life. And oddly, I was reading about my thoughts on relationships from 29 years ago – my framework was very limited, and I am grateful my understanding of relationships – and how to be in a relationship – has expanded. My online dating experience thus far has been mind blowing and disappointing. But both in good ways. It was a life-changing experience to have my attachment needs for attention and affection met as well as to set firm boundaries when things became sketchy. I know what I want and what I’m not willing to accommodate to have those needs met.
Another life changing experience was spending 8 days with my sister who came by train from Alberta. We tend to enjoy each other’s company; and we got to explore a bit more of the region I live in. One item has been checked off my bucket list/vision board – a circular road trip from my place through Nopiming Provincial Park and back home again. It was an adventure driving on gravel roads – some sections well-maintained while others certainly left much to be desired – but I got to drive it without any ‘back seat driving’ from my travel companions. In my marriage, it is unlikely I would’ve gotten to drive any of that route; and if I had, a running commentary would have made it unbearable. It is hard for me to explain or describe the freedom of driving my trusty steed, Monty – trusting both my driving abilities and my vehicle.
Also mentioned previously was having my dog, Abbie, become an emotional support dog – which has proved invaluable even if not for the original intended purpose of attending a court date for a traffic ticket – that was thankfully resolved over the phone. Once again, the Universe has guided me to make changes in my life with far-reaching, unanticipated benefits. Abbie joined me on the first two dates as well as many other places such as the train station to pick up and drop off my sister. While not always convenient, she does keep me from overthinking situations thus preventing my anxiety from getting the better of me. She also helps me to feel safe and less alone. While I don’t like admitting I may need accommodations, I have appreciated the difference Abbie’s presence makes upon my well-being in a vast array of settings. She also enjoys being able to go places otherwise not open to her. An added benefit is the joy and support she brings to others when she is out and about with me.
So, in many ways, these experiences have all been self-affirming: online dating, mini road tripping with my sister, having an emotional support dog. I do feel more confident and more in tune with my own Self – things I did not have back in August of 1995. It saddens me to think of what she thought was true about herself and what was required of her to be in a relationship. Trauma bonds were all she knew and expected – to give in order to have a chance at having her needs met. Always accommodating the other person, seldom having it reciprocated. It saddens me even more to realize I had the same relationship dynamic with God. I am so very grateful that my understanding of the Divine Presence has also expanded in such a way that I can embrace my humanness and how to be in a relationship with another person.
I am also extremely relieved to have my mental and physical health issues identified and addressed. It has truly made a world of a difference. What a turn-around – from living in ignorance and harmful ideology to accommodations and sense of well-being. It only took well over 30 years; but hey – whose counting? 😊 One never knows where the healing journey is going to take them. It hasn’t escaped my notice that summer is also on the cusp of turning into fall. A time of transition. Remain open and observant, my friends, and see where the journey takes you next!
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Posted on Jul 31, 2024
July seems to have gone by in a blur. So much, and yet so little, has happened. I have been crazy busy this last week – but not necessarily with work. And some of the busy-ness has been internal rather than external. I started reading over July’s journal entries, and could hardly believe how much has transpired – how much has changed in my inner world. Today I wrote that I almost feel like a different person – or as some like to say, vibrating at a different frequency. It is difficult to explain; and as I have never been in this place before, I have nothing to fall back on to set my bearings. I am charting new territory.
One thing that has struck me this month is the concept of completing trauma loops. This is a concept that works for me but is not necessarily in the trauma recovery literature. A bit like combining ideas to formulate one of my own. My clients seem to grasp it when I talk about it, so that is the main thing – that what I learn and assimilate into my own healing journey is also of benefit to my clients.
Most of my clients will, by now, be familiar with how trauma and the brain works – complete with diagrams. The amygdala (danger detector and emotional memory maker) gets fired up about something and rallies the troops to engage in fight, flight, or freeze. I know fawn is a new buzz word, but to me, it still falls under the freeze response. Part of trauma recovery is introducing what I call “the fourth option” – a chosen response instead of a knee-jerk reaction – in order to retrain the amygdala’s danger detector to be more accurate in assessing what is truly life-and-death and thus requiring said rallying of the troops. For us trauma survivors, a lot of the time the troops are rallied, at great expense to our bodily resources, disproportionate to the perceived danger.
Where am I going with this? One way to retrain the amygdala and get new neurons firing and wiring together is to complete the trauma loops. I refer to them as loops because unresolved trauma seems to go round and round in our systems – causing great havoc – until we can complete the process. Usually this means interrupting the stuck freeze response in order to stop the unrestricted flow of excess adrenaline and cortisol. This can be done in a number of ways, but today I will reflect upon how this occurred for me recently. It wasn’t something I set out to do, but rather I recognized what was happening and decided to go with the flow and see where it went. In another instance, I recognized the process in retrospect rather than in the moment.
One of the contributors to the recent craziness was hosting (but not organizing) a mini retreat for a few stressed-out city folks who needed a reset out in nature’s warm embrace. And believe me, it was a warm one! These city folk included an 11-yr-old girl who gravitated to me the moment they arrived. Surprising given I am not a child magnet. We tend to have to warm up to each other. But not this time. Because the other group members were two couples, I jokingly referred to myself and the girl as ‘the kids’ as opposed to the grown-ups who stayed up way past her and my bedtime. In this case, I went with the flow of things by playing with the girl instead of my usual role (and comfort zone) of chief cook & bottle washer and organizer extraordinaire.
Hence, this retreat weekend ended up being a healing time for my inner child. I seriously got to play all weekend. Sounds a bit of an oxymoron: serious play. I did spend time with the adults as well, but the bulk of my “duties” were play. Not a role with which I am particularly familiar. I was one of those children who had to grow up fast and had grown-up responsibilities from an early age. Playing does not come naturally for me. I am not sure how I managed it actually. My favourite play time was when we all went to the water with the dogs. I splashed around and laughed like never before. I don’t think I laughed that much even as a child! I honestly had fun. That might not seem like much, but for me it was significant. I do believe my inner child had fun, too.
Another healing moment came in the form of getting my dog recognized as an emotional support dog. This involved obtaining a letter from my doctor as well as purchasing a vest/harness indicating my dog as emotional support. While the circumstances for which I began this process changed, yesterday I took her for a trial run when I had to pick up a prescription from the pharmacy I use in a nearby community. Abbie performed in this role like a seasoned pro! This entire process was significant for me because it interrupted the trauma loop that I didn’t deserve accommodations for my mental health limitations. It is a level of self-care to which I am not accustomed.
A third significant trauma loop was interrupted when the Universe prompted me to sign up for an online dating app. Absolutely mind blowing that this could even be a possibility, let alone happen. I am an incredibly shy introvert – putting myself “out there” was immensely stressful yet liberating – and one of those things I was certain I would never do. In my journal I noted I could see it being a valuable exercise even if nothing came of it as it forced me to see myself differently. And I had to present myself in a way that was self-respecting yet inviting for the right type of person. I had to recognize I was worth the effort and not ‘easy prey.’ It meant knowing my boundaries and acting on them. There are some strange folks out there! I also had to trust that the Universe knew what they were doing and had my back. It’s been challenging, but also rewarding in unexpected ways.
Putting myself first instead of last, enforcing boundaries, knowing my worth. All valuable lessons. At times I can’t believe how my journey as evolved since the beginning of the year. And I am still on it. Still moving forward. Sometimes learning after the fact, sometimes in the moment. And I have received so much encouragement from my “online community.” I have been supported through this entire process by forces seen and unseen. And the best part is that it has given other people hope that no matter their situation, change for the better is possible. You can teach an old dog new tricks – it might just take a little longer. 😊
Here’s to all of us continuing on our healing journeys, making the most of every opportunity, resting when that is what is needed, and taking in every beautiful moment.
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Posted on Jun 29, 2024
The month of June has been an interesting one for me. In a sense, I have lived two parallel lives – that of 30 years ago and today. Reading old journal entries has been eye-opening and healing. I have been able to forgive that younger version and welcome her into my integrated Self. My professional training and experience have enabled me to process those ‘ancient’ experiences – a bit like an archaeologist on a dig site, I imagine. 😊 In particular, I was able to unpack my (back then) undiagnosed OCD – its roots and raison d’être.
I discovered my OCD serves a few different functions that interweave with the same or similar roots. The first observation was that my OCD provided an external locus of control (or sense of self) where my internalized one was lacking. In particular, my obsessive-compulsive religious beliefs and practices. I dedicated my life to God based upon the conviction of the interplay between God’s Sovereignty and Barb’s submission. This was reinforced in my home life but with inconsistent results. I was to claim fealty to my stepmother’s sovereignty with my unwavering submission and unquestioning obedience. This transferred to my understanding of and relationship with God. The irony is that the same faith that exacerbated my mental illnesses also kept me alive – gave me a somewhat consistent external locus of control. Emphasis on the word consistent. Without it, I might have veered into much more severe symptoms that would’ve compromised my “high functioning.” Another irony. If my functioning had become more noticeably compromised, what would’ve happened? My birth mother’s experience very likely would’ve repeated itself. Hence, having a spiritual experience and faith in a Transcendent Other remains important to me, but looks vastly different from my youth.
In a complicated side note, this correlates with having a trauma bond with God based upon my experience of a trauma bond with both my parents. Technically, a deeper layer of the obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours that developed to fill the void where my sense of self should’ve been. Once again, we wade into the weeds of unmet attachment needs. To review, an ideal childhood is one of consistency, safety, and security – a place or family dynamic in which we gain a healthy sense of self in order to go out and explore the world, only to come back to our centre, regroup, and go out again. The purpose of this process is to develop a sense of “I’m okay.” Instead, I developed a sense of “there’s something wrong with me.” As do all children of unstable or chaotic home environments. We develop a core belief of insufficiency and incompetence which generates a need to constantly seek external validation – our locus of control or sense of self is externalized and thus very vulnerable to the whims of others.
The second function my OCD serves is an attempt to protect me from experiencing embarrassment and humiliation. A bit ironic given it uses internal shame to prevent external shame. Best I can figure is that the Inner Critic is preferable to external criticism, shame, and judgement. Punish myself, push myself to be perfect before someone else figures out there’s something wrong with me and I have to deal with consequences and repercussions – which is related to preventing punishment and leads us to another function.
A meme helped make the connection between OCD and preventing anger – a compulsion to be perfect to prevent my parents (or teachers, etc.) from getting angry with me. In this month’s journal I noted: “The root of my OCD. I don’t recall the OCD starting until we moved to the Graysville area. And it just kept getting worse as family tensions did. But it was so gradual. My OCD doesn’t just try to prevent shaming – it also tried to prevent anger. I think that is lessening; but I still don’t want anyone to be disappointed with me – whether it’s clients, friends, or family.” Or authority figures! Hence my angst about my traffic ticket and the next function of my OCD.
A fourth purpose of my OCD is to help manage the chaos (both external and internal). From my journal this month: “Believing in the delusion of sovereignty & submission kept me in a perpetual state of angst; but it also provided a framework or mechanism to manage shame. And my OCD helped manage the chaos. As long as I kept my ducks in a row, I might be spared criticism, judgement, and shame. That external locus of control. Keep everyone plus God happy, and all will be “well” – meaning peaceful. I had no comprehension of wellness – just the absence of angst. And the angst was always my fault. I did something wrong – that’s why I didn’t have peace. If only I had known it was faulty wiring.” It is worth noting I have also been a compulsive organizer since I was 7 years old. But it was considered one of my quirks rather a symptom or coping mechanism.
Fifthly, my OCD was a way to fill the void – that emptiness where my sense of “I’m okay” should’ve been. From my journal: “I credited my restlessness as being out of God’s will – not getting something right – when the crazy thinking was simply triggered OCD with cPTSD. I wanted to fill the emptiness. And OCD did a great job! And to avoid the emptiness, I over-analyzed everything. The emptiness meant I had failed somehow – when it was my parents who had failed to meet my attachment needs” and develop a sense of “I’m okay.”
Similar to all of the above, OCD also tries to protect me from the pain of disappointment and getting hurt. If my brain can over-analyze every option or possible outcome, then maybe it can prevent bad things from happening – whether from my own mistakes and missteps or from others.
The most significant discovery was that my OCD serves as a way to manage waiting and uncertainty/ambiguity. At one point this past month, I was feeling a familiar restlessness and listlessness – a sense of being in limbo – waiting for something to happen – which I connected to my father wound. From my journal:
“Always waiting for dad’s attention, approval, protection. Those three things are quite significant – it is also what I waited for in my marriage. To fill the void, the emptiness, the sense of “something wrong with me” – I would overthink, over-analyze, obsess. I don’t need to do that anymore: obsess to fill the void or manage the restlessness. While certain interactions remind me of that old dynamic, I can choose different responses, different coping strategies (rather than default mechanisms). I can calm and reassure my inner child: let her know she is loved and cared for. She is okay – nothing wrong with her core, her flame, her light. Her brain and nervous system have some glitches to be worked out, but they do not define her or her worthiness. I deserved so much more as a little girl. More than what my parents were capable of giving. I need to let that shit go. I need to love with detachment. Complete detachment – in that I won’t allow the mistreatment to land on me. I observe and relinquish it. I do not accept it. I let it fall at my feet – to be stepped over or walked away from. It is not mine to pick up or clean up or destroy. Let it lie there to rot on its own. It will take a lot more recovery before I can do that well…And this talk of waiting for approval, attention, and protection made me think of waiting in general. I hate waiting – of any kind – because it generates angst. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for punishment. Waiting for bread crumbs. Waiting for peace & joy. Waiting for healing. Waiting, as a child, to be loved and cared for. That hits a chord – all waiting reminds me of that last one. To be loved and cared for. Hence why ambiguity in romantic relationships drove me to OCD responses. I couldn’t handle the angst of that emptiness – the void of the father wound. So while I was unloved as a child, that is no longer the case. I love that inner little girl deeply and passionately…Deep inside, she was a wonderful little girl who learned it was safest not to express herself. And now I have the opportunity to release the OCD – at least as it relates to the father wound. I am okay. I am loved ‘as is’…Another connection to waiting: my 5-yr-old self waiting for mom to come home – and/or waiting for my “new” mom to show up. Waiting to be taken care of and loved. Waiting always triggers that longing, even if what I’m waiting for isn’t related to love and belonging and basic attachment needs.”
My journal entry continues with a conversation with my amygdala about what waiting is and isn’t (this ‘reprogramming’ or rewiring will take repetition and persistence). “I don’t need to worry about waiting anymore. I am loved and taken care of by my True Self and the entire Universe.”
The last function of OCD that I observed is also related to waiting: to stop the hemorrhaging of the original father wound. From my journal: “In 1994, it appears my fixations transferred from one fellow to the next. Once that wound was opened, it hemorrhaged until I shoved the gauze of yet another potential mate into it…My OCD needed to put something in the open wound to stop the bleeding. And I had no comprehension of intrusive/racing thoughts at that time.” I think this imagery speaks for itself; but if you need me to unpack this further, feel free to send me a message. I was surprised to read in my September 1994 journal that I had made a connection between obsessing about male attention and the apparent unconcern I felt from my father – but I had no way to unpack or process that observation. I know I kept seeking his approval for another two decades. And my marriage, instead of staunching the flow, only added to it – as noted earlier.
My concluding thoughts of this very long blog: it reminded me of writing a research paper. I combed through my June journal entries for references to OCD and made the discovery of its multi-purpose-ness. Hopefully my effort to make sense of it has made it relatable and/or helpful to my readers. Healing is a long journey – one I will be on until I take my last breath. As a therapist, I am honoured to come alongside fellow travellers on their own healing journeys. My hope is that we are all just helping each other ‘home’ – to that sense of being okay at our very cores – a place we can explore from, to return to regroup and recenter, only to go out and explore again and again. Like petals on a flower. Happy travels!
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