Iceland 2012 – Sculpture commemorating Þorgerðr brák at Borgarnes, Iceland – Þorgerðr brák (anglicised as Thorgerd Brak) is a character in Egils saga. Þorgerðr is a servant or slave of tenth-century Icelandic warrior and farmer Skalla-Grímr. The saga narrator describes her as ‘an imposing woman, as strong as a man and well-versed in the magic arts.’ Her nickname might come from Old Norse brák, a leatherworking tool.
Unlearning, learning, retraining the brain, and trauma recovery happens in layers. Just when we think we’ve got a concept down pat, lesson over, time to move on – it resurfaces in another context or on a deeper level. Strength training – building up my inner core – is definitely like that and is the theme for April. And it involves the work of seeing myself differently. I even caught myself one morning, looking in the mirror, and having a moment of ‘we’re not doing that anymore.’ I can’t remember what negative self-talk had started up – but it is more important to remember that I chose not to engage. It was a memorable moment for that alone.
Mid-April I journalled about seeing myself as capable vs insufficient and needing to prove myself – prompted by a communication ‘glitch’ with someone that while regrettable “had to happen – because I was so caught up in my insecurities.” The glitch acted like a reset. The concluding statement of that entry still resonates: “I don’t need reassurance from anyone, I need it from me.” The antidote to anxiety – one of those strength training exercises to build up my inner core – to reassure myself that I am capable and sufficient.
The next day, I noted that “I need to be stronger in my sense of self. Own my presence. Not grow a damn thicker skin – I have no desire to be hard and crusty…It is more an awareness and ownership – an inner strength – not an outer crust. This is what has always been lacking. I am a grown-ass woman, responsible for my own emotions, thoughts, and feelings. The days of being taken care of are long past me…[referring back to the father -wound]. I will never have a parent take care of me or help me process emotions or teach me coping strategies.” The communication glitch involved wanting an emotionally corrective experience with someone when I needed to self-soothe after a hard day. Even though I was so overwhelmed I couldn’t see straight, I later recognized the need to reclaim my power and my presence. “I need to reassure myself. Be confident in my own decisions. Be rooted and grounded in Love. There is nothing to second guess. I must dig down to my centre – engage my core.”
So in a way, the communication glitch did serve as an emotionally corrective experience, but in reverse – “as an opportunity for me to break my pattern. This is where I have to circumvent victim-mode of trauma recovery and interrupt the pity party. Accept the reality of being an adult rather than pine for the child’s need to be rescued and reassured. I never got that. And only I can provide that now. If I met an individual capable of soothing me, it would stagnate my growth. In an ideal world, it would heal that father-wound; but we don’t live in an ideal world. It is embarrassing to realize I wanted to be parented. Helpful, but horrifying. I need to show up as an adult, not a child.”
Later I revisited the concept of strength training as an effort to “build up an immunity to judgements, criticism, and distancing tactics. Be vulnerable enough to admit I wanted someone to parent me – but there was nobody there. Not in a whiny victim tone, but as a curious observer. I showed up as a whiny, petulant girl – not a woman who can handle her own business. Only trick being I didn’t feel like a woman who could handle her own business. Interesting. Still that little girl longing to be rescued. I need to reassure her she doesn’t need rescuing anymore!”
As usual for me, social media messages came through my feed that pertained to this idea of strength training: “A reminder that you’ve made it this far and that you have the strength to keep going. Breathe deeply. Let go of self-doubt…You are capable, worthy, and stronger than you realize. Keep shining, keep growing.” From Healing Energy Tools, April 16th. As well as this one from the 15th: “You are entering a time of personal expansion. Old limits are fading and new possibilities are appearing. Believe in your ability to grow beyond what once felt impossible. Your potential is greater than you realize.” In response I wrote in my journal: “This is all so very true…I have to expand from looking outside myself for soothing, care, and attention – and look within. While relationships and human connections are the stuff of healing, there is also the recognition of growing past that – not turtling, but expanding. Now there’s a brain teaser! Turning within for expansion rather than self-preservation. My head is spinning right now trying to grasp that one.”
That juxtaposition of looking within for expansion rather than turtling (hiding deep within myself) in self-preservation is going to be mind-bending for a while – and take practice to assimilate into my core beliefs and self-understanding. I have some more unlearning to do of the belief system I was raised within, developing stronger beliefs that truly strengthen my core, continue retraining my brain (getting new neurons firing and wiring together), and transitioning through the trauma-recovery modes of victim, survivor, and thriving. It is embarrassing and painful whenever I catch myself back in victim mode, but such an elevation when I survive and even thrive with new inner strength.
Happy growing pains! May your inner core be strengthened as you handle whatever Life throws at you.
Belated Happy New Year! I am still here. Learning, growing, journalling. The past three or four months have been a tad chaotic as there have been some interesting developments in my life to which I am slowly adapting. In some ways, it does feel like I’ve been undergoing metamorphosis within a cocoon during that time, making this blog entry a form of emergence. Due to the ah-ha moment I experienced during this morning’s journalling, the cocoon metaphor is rather apt. However, the imagery that arose while journalling was of a highly-lacquered shell that I am shedding.
In a rather bizarre coincidence (?), yesterday I was transcribing journal entries from 2006 that remain relevant twenty years later. My subconscious did its usual overnight processing with surprising results – another layer exposed of a topic that I have circled more than once over the decades. Back in 2006, I was puzzling over the relationship between love and protection – and how I seldom, if ever, felt either. I queried what I need protection from as well as by whom. When reprocessing two decades later, it reinforced the connection to never completing the development stages of love and belonging, safety and security as a child.
In a weird twist, I recognized that subconsciously I had come to the conclusion early on that my only chance to feel safe and loved would be in the romantic context of finding a mate. Fast forward a few years, and I would struggle with a form of transference every time a male person would be kind or attentive. Transference referring to the subconscious process of transferring thoughts or feelings from one person or situation onto another (e.g. seeing a teacher or a therapist as a lover/protector/parent/etc. and reacting accordingly).
I was aware of the transference issue a long time ago. The new layer came in the connection between what I failed to learn as a child and how that transferred into my confusing relationships with any male personage – particularly the interconnected needs for love and protection. Circle back to my flawed conclusion that I just had to find the right mate and all would be well – therein lies the double quandary. This also clarifies why my marital dissatisfaction affected me so deeply – and why I worked so hard at resolving it.
How to explain all that? I might need a diagram. 😊 Imagine an inner circle of love and protection with four overlapping circles of childhood needs, marriage, transference, and my protective hard shell. My unmet childhood needs for love and protection (I still have a visceral reaction when I think about that unprotected child) led to a belief that I would find that once I married. Unfortunately, my marriage did not provide the love and protection I craved which spilled over into transference whenever a male person was kind or attentive to me leading to intense inner angst and questioning what was wrong with me. Every failed experience at “earning” love and protection added another layer to my hard shell of personal protectiveness resulting in extreme trust issues and an aversion to vulnerability, authenticity, and true intimacy in any context.
The protection piece finally made sense in light of my childhood in that I never felt safe and secure. I didn’t need my marriage partner to protect me from external threats. If anything, I needed him to protect the relationship – that I was treasured and cherished enough to know I was worth protecting – something I never experienced as a child (that still makes me want to cry). I have attempted to complete that trauma loop by focusing on no longer being a vulnerable child needing protection to an adult with choices to protect myself – and subconsciously adding another layer to my shell with every disappointment in myself or the men around me.
So. All this work on healing the father wound (and/or other attachment wounds) to help me see that I am worth protecting and to be open to receiving said (metaphorical) protection. It has been quite the journey developing a secure sense of self (strong inner core) over the past few years! It is the abstract nature of this protection that likely tripped me up for so long. My life experiences taught me I couldn’t trust/rely on anyone – and later a precious few – so I had to have my own back. While in a practical sense this remains true (I am an adult with choices rather than a vulnerable child needing protection), I have undergone an ’emotionally corrective experience’ that has opened me to accept that I am worth protecting in the abstract or general as well as practical sense.
I have also been working on reparenting my inner child and all those other trauma-recovery techniques I blog about. So imagine my surprise when this layer involves other people and shedding my shell (or at least decreasing its thickness) to receive love and protection. It is hard for me to explain these overlapping circles including circling back twenty years to have this ah-ha moment. It will likely take some time to ‘settle’ into my psyche as it has prompted an internal shift. In a nutshell, I see myself differently today than I did yesterday.
This next paragraph is an ‘addendum’ after having a day or two to process. I wrote in my journal, “Before I can accept ‘I am loved,’ I must recognize ‘I am safe.’ Safety precludes feeling loved. I never felt loved because I never felt safe. But my brain only understood that I was unloved, ergo there was something wrong with me and therefore unlovable. When the real problem was unprotected and unsafe.” As I am starting to feel safe in my own skin and in the company of others, I can also begin to feel loved – and it is a tremendous feeling.
I hope your 2026 has gotten off to an amazing start – maybe with less dramatic cocooning moments than mine – which reminds me of the transition from the Year of the Snake to the Year of the Fire Horse. It is definitely turning out to be a year of transformation for me! Feel free to share how the first three months of 2026 have been for you or if you have any questions regarding this blog.
I will be cheating this month and revisiting a blog from August 2014 as November has been an emotional roller coaster for me; and I am not prepared to unpack the roller coaster by reading over November journal entries right now. I somehow got caught unawares that it is the last Sunday (and day!) of the month without any inkling of writing a blog.
However, as is my practice during Advent Season (the four Sundays leading up to Christmas Day), I opened my notebook with a collection of readings pertaining to Winter Solstice and the themes of Advent. The first few are about “everyday sacredness” – including my blog from August 2014: Directions. As for specific advent-themed readings, today’s topic is Hope. Next Sunday is Peace, followed by Joy and Love.
To my pleasant surprise, I realized this 11-year-old blog is also about Hope after reading the meditation I had collected for this first Sunday of Advent – “Open Yourself to the Universe” from My Pocket Meditations for Self-Compassion by Courtney E. Ackerman (2020, p. 126). When we take a satellite- or bird’s-eye- view of our physical being in our particular dwelling, then slowly zoom out to our roadway, neighbourhood, larger community, region, country, continent, planet until it, too, is just a speck, we regain perspective. In the meditation Courtney writes:
“Think about all that this universe has to offer you. Think about the unsolved mysteries, the questions left unanswered – and the questions we haven’t even though to ask yet – and all the beautiful wonderful things in the known universe. Know that if you do not open yourself up to receiving from the universe, you will miss out on so many of these awesome experiences. Commit to staying open to receiving whatever the universe has in store for you.”
It can have a balancing effect to both our humility and our pride. We are just a speck in the Cosmos, yet all of Life is on offer. Hope allows us to recognize both our significance and our insignificance. Just a speck; and yet we are each an integral part of the Universe – on equal footing with every other speck – each one capable of opening themselves up to receiving all the good available to us.
We can get mired in the muck of daily struggles. November has been that way for me. Remembering I am a fragile yet powerful butterfly whose wings can effect change on a larger scale (in comparison) has been both humbling and empowering. I am just a speck, but one worthy of living with courage in the strength, truth, and beauty of who I am. I matter in the Grand Scheme of Things – so do you. Hope allows us to remember this even when mired in the muck. To help us remember, here’s the blog from 2014 with further thoughts following.
As many of you are aware, I have an interest in spirituality as well as psychology and appreciate whenever I can bring those interests together. So this blog will be an opportunity for me to introduce you to some native spirituality that dovetails beautifully with the journey metaphor for counselling and life. Some time ago, I came across an article on “The Four Directions: A Spiritual Guide to Centering Yourself” by Roy Henry Vickers (Spirit of the North, Summer 2010). In this article, the four directions are the four doors of the sweat lodge experience.
EAST is the direction of the teacher (pray for lessons and for something to teach) and faces the sun—that ball of fire that gives life to the earth, the season is spring, and the element is fire. It is the also the direction to pray for children.
SOUTH is the direction of the healer (pray for healing and wholeness) and for women, the season is summer, and the element is the earth for mother earth provides food for the body and medicines to help us heal.
WEST is the direction of the visionary (being able to see in the dark and with our eyes closed as well as to clearly see the way to journey through this world) and for men, the season is autumn, and the element is water.
NORTH is the direction of the warrior (pray for courage to stand in the strength, truth, and beauty of who I am) and of the elder. The season is winter and the element is wind.
Recently I read another version of the four directions, including three more, in the novel Keeper’n Me by Richard Wagamese (1994/2006, pp. 306-307). The seven directions of life make a circle, the complete journey, the whole human being.
EAST is the place of light where the sun comes from. Learn illumination, the beginnings of knowing.
SOUTH is the place of innocence and trust. Learn to listen to the teachings with an open heart and open ears.
WEST is the look-inside place and of growing. Learn to investigate what you feel.
NORTH is the place of wisdom. Learn to pause, look back along the path you followed and see the lesson. Reflect.
UP & DOWN is the motion of life; the day-by-day things that we get hung up on and forget how far we have travelled. Lessons that come from breathing; power of choice; practice the wisdom we found from travelling the first four directions.
INSIDE is the place of truth. “You gather there with all the travellers who made that journey too, and you are alone no more.”
These two concepts – hope and directions – prompted me to consider ways I can incorporate the Four Directions into my routine(s) such as placing a “cue card” on my fridge to remind me to attend to the Divine, Big Picture, Cosmos, etc. If I stand in my kitchen, I can face windows in each of the four directions and apply the four “elemental” breath prayers.
Facing East, I can express gratitude for life’s lessons as the alternative is to cease to exist. I can breathe in the Fiery Presence, and exhale ‘becoming fire.’ Turning North, I can pray for courage to stand in the strength, truth, and beauty of who I am (a great daily affirmation!) and breathe in the Breath of Life, acknowledging on the out breath that I am connected to all living things. A quarter turn towards the West, I welcome insight to see clearly the way to journey through the muck of daily life. I breathe in Living Water, ‘becoming verdant’ on the out breath. The last turn facing South, I invite healing and wholeness, connecting with the groundedness of Mother Earth as I inhale, and ‘becoming grounded and nurturing’ as I exhale – knowing nurturing applies to myself as well as towards others.
Once I get into this habit, I can consider adding the other three directions (up, down, inside).
To end, I shall re-iterate my closing comments from August 2014:
If you are feeling lost on your own healing journey, combining the natural world of the four elements and compass points may be just what you need to regain that sense of direction [and Hope] you are looking for.
