July 2025: Relationships Part 2
Well, here it is July; and time to write Part 2 of Relationships. I’m finding it difficult to pick up where I left off last month. I lulled myself into a sense of complacency that this month’s blog would be easy given I had ‘written’ most of it last month. Now my notes seem disjointed, resistant to cohesion. Maybe that’s what happens in some relationships. We get lulled into complacency until cohesion becomes elusive or intolerable. Yes, one never knows where my brain will wander off to. 😊
At any rate, last month I left off needing connection more than attachment and learning how to negotiate as well as speak my mind. My pattern is to keep quiet in order not to rock the boat or jeopardize connections – which gets in the way of authenticity and being one’s own self. I’ve also had to consider how being neurodivergent, with a skewed sense of self plus trust issues, plays into relationships – as well as gender socialization and cultural expectation (think fairytale endings). Yes, that is a lot to tumble around my brain!
It’s been an interesting exercise to consider neurodivergent relationships do look different from neurotypical ones – leading to a complete overhaul of relationships in my mental framework – and that there are many ways to be in a relationship. In broad terms, relationships are two people showing up and figuring it out. My tendency is to take on more responsibility for figuring it out – in addition to operating from the assumption of being judged and deemed worth the effort or not. That dynamic is definitely not healthy. It has to be two equal partners with matched effort.
I have been dependent upon external validation – terms of endearment, affirmation, affection – that elicit the bonding chemical oxytocin – as a necessary building block, or the cornerstone, if you will. And when that is absent, I feel adrift. Yet people can show up and seek connection in other ways (appropriate attention and affection will look different for everybody – especially neurodivergents and trauma survivors). Pursuing connection over attachment allows me to see what is there instead of what isn’t. I have to show up regardless if it puts the connection in jeopardy. It boils down to confidence – in myself – to break that damn pattern of hiding/ accommodating/ people pleasing in seeking attachment.
Self-sacrifice in exchange for attachment. The deep dive in my journal resulted in thinking of relationship development in terms of levels. Neurotypicals present relationships (as seen in movies/TV and personal observation) as some sort of spark of interest, a bit of pursuit by either or both parties, passing some sort of metaphysical test, and voila – couplehood. No education about what healthy relationships actually involve: fuck ups and repair attempts, constant consideration of how your choices impact another person, bonding efforts (attention and affection), and of course sexual chemistry. Relationships in Western culture are a bit “magical” in that they just happen and work out. No one discusses what you are actually choosing (the above-mentioned “tasks”) and even doing in the first place (fulfilling primal attachment needs – which I’m realizing, if met properly in developmental years, likely does make pursuit of a partner simpler and rather magical).
We make vows and promises and commitments – but seldom do people choose the “realities” – mainly because we are ignorant of them. No one vows to make repair attempts when they fuck up, to be consistently considerate of their partner in making choices, and to make daily efforts to pay attention and be affectionate with their partner. What also isn’t in the vows is the recourse should the promises not be reciprocated or fulfilled – in essence, relationship satisfaction over the long haul. Marriage is not a marker of relationship success.
Hence this idea of levels appeals to me with room for recourse if relationship goals aren’t met. Both partners have to be aware of and forthcoming about what they want out of a relationship level and what they are willing to put into one. When we jump from casual dating to committed relationship, we create the environment for dramatic (& traumatic) breakups – particularly if we don’t understand chosen connection vs compulsive attachment (referred to as attachment response to stimulus followed by attachment crisis in the previous blog). Lines in movies for female characters often end in “but I love him” when faced with bad behaviour. More accurate would be “but I’m anxiously attached.” It is such a difficult journey from unhealed attachment wounds to conscious connection/coupling.
We all have patterns to identify rooted in attachment wounds – some categorize them as attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure. Once we have identified our unique pattern in whatever category we identify, then find the courage to break the pattern, it will free us up to ask: do I want to level up with this person? Have I seen enough in early stages to make a conscious choice? What does levelling up entail for both of us? For trauma survivors, this relationship model would go a long way in building trust rather than jump in feet first (attachment response) only to be heartbroken later (attachment crisis). It also alleviates ambiguity with which neurodivergent folks like me don’t do well. We like to know what to expect and what is expected of us. And if things don’t work out, there is less risk of attachment crisis because we have a cause & effect framework to make sense of it. Relationship satisfaction is not left up to ‘magic’ or mind reading.
Obviously, a levelled relationship framework is not risk free or without flaws. It does rely on communication and authenticity. Really showing up for another person. It will not filter out manipulators or abusers – but it might reduce getting sucked into a long-term relationship that is not actually set up for longevity. Again, we have to be secure in ourselves to say, ‘Hey, this is not okay with me.’ And if adjustments aren’t made to mutual satisfaction, we can let the person go in order to find what we’re truly looking for.
I came to this realization when faced with the quandary of guarding up & shutting down or sitting with the discomfort to discover what it was trying to tell me. We are resistant to sitting with discomfort because we think it will overtake us in some way – become “too much.” But the discomfort didn’t get any worse by sitting with it. If anything, it lessened as I listened. Answers were able to rise to the surface. My discomfort was about feeling unsafe and uncertain. In trauma recovery terms: both remembering and reliving. Once I could reassure my amygdala that I was not in any danger (aka safe), more awareness became possible. Identifying what was under the safety issue meant I could address it.
Grappling with what arose, I could tease apart being perceived as needy (self-sacrifice for attachment) versus respecting I have reasonable needs given my trauma background. Without sitting with my unease, I could not get to that underlying issue of recognizing I have legitimate markers for relationship satisfaction. Somewhere in my levelled framework for dating and relationships, I want one of those levels to include a partner who consistently communicates that I am, and my needs are, important to him. Inspired by this Moon Omens meme from July 21:
“Focus more on what you deserve and less about what didn’t work out, or what was lacking. Move in the direction of abundance, with a heart full of gratitude and a mind present with the lessons and blessing of what’s here and now and what’s possible.”
I deserve someone who will want to reassure me daily of his interest and my importance to him. This is not ‘asking too much.’ This is a base requirement to ‘level up’ with me. I don’t have to ‘make do’ because guys aren’t capable of consistent communication. Every human being is capable of that. I don’t need another lazy partner or emotionally unavailable male in my life. However, an internal battle is triggered even as I read over what I have written. What if that guy never comes along? Forcing me back to sitting with that discomfort and finding out what is underneath it – and the latter half of the above quote: having faith in what’s possible. What I deserve is possible. And brings me full circle to the quote from Healing Energy Tools that ended my previous blog:
“Focus on giving and receiving love in equal measure while maintaining your own centre.”
Secure connection in a nutshell. When I veer off into scarcity mindset or insufficiency, I lose focus and forget my centre. I want a partner who contributes to my overall wellbeing and not settle for someone who makes me question it. And if I question it in my aloneness, then I have more work to do in maintaining my own centre. Such a quandary! Wanting someone who will support my centre, yet feel grounded on my own.
Regardless of what ‘happy endings’ would have us think, maintaining a bonded connection does require effort. When we are lulled into complacency, we are no longer giving and receiving love in equal measure which leads to compromised cohesion. When we become overfocused on ourselves or neglect our own centre, we also compromise the connection. So, if there is any magic in relationships, it would be in the balancing act of loving in equal measure while maintaining our own core!
Wherever you are at in identifying your relationship patterns and adjusting your framework, may you always know that at your core you are enough. You deserve support, not sabotage – from yourself and those who surround you.
