August 2025: Rally Cries
My journal entries this month have been all over the place; but because I am still online dating, I continue to write about relationships, as well as neurodivergence. There have been a few ah-ha moments with significance in both those categories. One in particular that sticks out is the concept of deserving more – which actually applies to both relationships and neurodivergence. The idea of what I could’ve accomplished in life had I had access to supports earlier on as well as deserving more in relationships.
A significant mile marker on my healing journey is the realization that relationships are the stuff of life – without them, life seems a bit hollow. Given my trauma history, pathological shyness (autism spectrum?), and introversion, I tend to be skeptical of all kinds of relationships (be it professional, friendship, or romantic). I feel safest in my own company. So, the fact that I am no longer satisfied being alone is quite profound. I have experienced loneliness at different times in my life – including being married – and have used various coping mechanisms to manage the loneliness and/or push myself out of my own little world. Online dating being the most outside my comfort zone I have ever dared to roam.
Due to recent developments, I have been forced to face my old programming of keeping men happy and not disappointing anyone – which has involved retraining my brain that I am looking for authentic connection rather than validation/approval. I don’t have to prove a point. From this surfaced a deeply-rooted quandary: having to accommodate and be pleasing to every male on the planet while not having the right to say ‘no, thank you’ or even just plain old ‘no.’ Then being accused of leading men on with kindness and accommodations and being pleasing. It’s difficult to articulate. Be pleasing but don’t lead anyone on – without the option of saying ‘no.’
Disappointing men was always devastating because of my deep father wound. I am learning I am my own person. Not a slave to men (and/or their needs or fragile egos). It’s almost a rallying cry: I am my own person. Without anything to prove. I don’t have to be deemed worthy. Simply looking for authentic connection (and chemistry in romantic relationships). In the last few weeks of messaging with men online, I have had to remind myself I am remembering, not reliving. I no longer have to be as pleasing as possible.
Oddly, I am ready for a true gentleman. In my 20s, I fought ‘gentlemanly behaviour’ to assert my independence and gender equality (not be seen as incompetent). I wanted to remove any risk of being beholden to anyone. Men’s ‘kindnesses’ always came at a cost. One of those profound ah-ha moments came with this sentence in my journal: my father taught me I don’t deserve to be treated well (most particularly by his own actions and sexist comments).
So, I am left with the query: can I release the core belief that I don’t deserve to be loved ‘as is’? Can I recognize that just because my parents failed to love me ‘as is’ doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be? I have overidentified with that scared little girl; and I need to own the woman I’ve become and am becoming. My parents only reflected back that age of me – see her only that way, do nothing to help that little girl, and then shame her for it. Keep Barb in her place. We don’t want her coming into her own power. So, my second rallying cry is: I do deserve to be loved ‘as is.’
Throughout August, I wrote a lot about being haunted by the core belief of not deserving to be loved ‘as is” – having to prove myself and earn it. I am more than a pretty face and smile. There was a time that I thought that was all I had to offer men. I had to earn my keep by being overly accommodating and pleasing. And never show my true self in the aim to be attractive. I loathe anyone seeing me with bedhead and no makeup. Deep down, I don’t want to run the risk of being rejected in my ‘raw’ form. I will do whatever it takes to avoid that.
I also witnessed several patterns consistent with the trauma bonding (attention and affection offered alternately with neglect, criticism, etc.) of my childhood/youth and in my marriage. I began second guessing everything without a clue of what was genuine and what might be problematic. My triggers kept confusing me. Was I remembering, not reliving? Or was I falling for the same-old, same-old? Baffling to realize I don’t know how to have a normal relationship – and why various couples’ counselling techniques didn’t work for me personally. Relationships are not formulaic, no matter how much I have wanted them to be (in the counselling office, or at home).
I worried about my decision-making abilities given these patterns, wished I didn’t feel so damn deeply, and that trauma bonding wasn’t my reality. Another ‘haunting’ from my childhood. An aspect of this trauma bonding (or maybe autism spectrum?) is the failed developmental task of “object constancy.” I need to unpack this some more at a later date because it involves both my parents in ways I hadn’t noticed before. I am working hard at reprogramming my brain to recognize that I am worth the hassle – the hassle of breaking patterns (such as being addicted to the initial attention/affection from narcissists or the breadcrumbs of trauma bonding or the ‘stimulation’ of triggers), of deserving more (in all areas of my life), of releasing my training wheels to ride on my own (be my own person, fully show up, be curious and explore rather than contain or control or fix).
Also of note, I realized that my anxiety has served as a natural stimulant (keeping cortisol and adrenaline coursing through my veins) masking my AuADHD (a combination of autism and attention deficit ‘features’) – and also explains why consuming copious amounts of black tea doesn’t make me wired (and neither does the occasional cup of coffee I drink). August has been a month of exploring patterns and learning new things about myself – such as how neurodivergent I actually am – whether from AuADHD or cPTSD rewiring my brain. And in so doing, I am able to exchange default mechanisms for chosen coping skills.
What has your month of August been teaching you? Have you opened yourself up to new options, getting unstuck from established patterns? If so, what have you learned that you are comfortable sharing in this forum? I would love to hear what you are learning or what is keeping you stuck.