Sept 2025: Gentle Recalibration
As usual, my journal entries for September have covered a variety of topics; but one theme in particular rose to the surface for this month’s blog: gentle recalibration. Which actually started at the end of June, prompted by a social media meme promising in 3 months that I was going to be in a completely different space mentally, spiritually, and financially. On the 24th of September, I explored whether that was indeed true.
Imagine my surprise when I realized much had changed for me, albeit financially may be in decline rather than influx at the moment – which prompted a whole other level of exploration with my Internal Family System [see Nov 2024]. This ongoing recalibration resulted in making 4 releasing statements on this Monday morning’s walk (followed by explosive diarrhea – for those who understand the mind-body connection – sorry if that’s TMI for the rest of you 😉.) But now that I read over the notes for this blog, I realize I missed a couple releasing statements. I will note all 7 at the end of this blog.
A couple days before the 24th “deadline,” I observed that my Internal Family System has been relatively quiet this month, and that it was as if my safety system had been engaged, with the ironic twist being an increased awareness of Autism/ADHD/neurodivergence [see Jan 2025]. At first, I thought my neurodivergence would just be part of the herd of Heffalumps. But if OCD has representation in Rabbit, neurodivergence should have a character too.
I realized Tigger represents AuADHD/neurodivergence beautifully – as he tends to be either easily distracted or hyper-fixated. He also doesn’t fit the ‘norm’ of neurotypicals. He is one-of-a-kind – much like the uniqueness of my neurodivergence and the quote in the image above: “Once in a while someone amazing comes along…and here I am” – as well as his pithy self-affirming statement: “The most wonderful things about Tiggers is I’m the only one!”
I initially thought of Tigger as joy or excitement – but that’s unfair to the team/internal family who all get to experience joy and excitement. It is weird to be in this strange limbo land where my Internal Family System is quiet. I’m gaining a new level of self-awareness. And yet it feels like I’m waiting for the next chapter of my life to start. Weirdly, I’m really excited when I think about what that could look like.
When it came to exploring financial scarcity mindset, I queried which member of my Internal Family System was agitated about money. I suspected a member of the cPTSD Heffalump herd [see May 2025]. However, Rabbit obsesses about it now and then; and Owl admonishes on occasion. Pooh worries about having enough food. Piglet is just anxious all the time; but even he has been relatively quiet. And everyone knows Eyore’s assessment can’t be trusted. 😉 I guess every member has a role to play in scarcity mindset – even Christopher Robin, the fixer. Except for Roo, representing my inner child. He just wonders why the team/family gets worked up over money every now and then.
So once again, it is up to me, the Narrator, to calm the team and remind them that all will be well. Being okay with the unknown. Somehow, all will be well. It will. There is no sense/benefit/need to worry about it. An answer will come – when I least expect it. It’s also interesting to note that I didn’t notice any IFS disturbance after recent changes in my online dating life. In a way, it can be summarized by saying I levelled up to being a grownup from scared-little-girl mode.
I wonder if my inner child, represented by Roo, gets to be just a kid now? I didn’t realize until this month how much responsibility fell on Roo’s tiny shoulders. S/he really did feel like s/he had to call the shots/take charge/etc. when everyone else was triggered. And Kanga, the mother figure, felt helpless to intervene – rendered powerless by the chaos – worried as much as everyone else. Poor little Roo. I, the Narrator, will do my best not to let that happen again. When the team worries about money, it puts a lot of pressure on Roo to restore balance and safety.
Balance and safety shouldn’t be associated with money – but it is in Roo’s mind – because when everyone worries, the Heffalumps get restless – and Roo feels scared and all alone. Everyone is preoccupied. Roo feels responsible or pressure to restore order and equilibrium. Except Roo never could. ☹ Hence why financial scarcity makes me feel all alone and wanting someone to take care of me. My parents’ preoccupation with money meant there were no resources for “family affairs.” We were all to be self-sufficient creatures – earning our keep. Minimal care for development and growth. Zero attention paid to safety and security – unless it pertained to money.
My journal also explores, once again, the core belief that I can’t keep the love/attention of a man. Internalized as being about me and not the men. Rooted in my relationship with my dad [see Nov 2023]. I could never keep his attention or stay in his good graces. I was never enough – on my own merit or as a continuation of my birth mother. I couldn’t be her. Nor could I be myself – whomever that was. I couldn’t be frightened, or scared, or autistic, or distracted, or divergent by any means. I couldn’t think for myself or make my own choices. I wasn’t allowed to be autonomous. I was an extension of other people – part of a system, cog in a machine – whether it was family, school, or church. I didn’t exist independently; yet I didn’t feel I belonged either.
It is time to upgrade that operating system – which involves those 7 releasing statements, some of which make more sense in the context of my journal-writing rather than stand-alone statements. But here goes, in no particular order. I release:
- the shame of submission resulting from advocacy (for myself or others), leading to push back, triggering the internalized shame messages;
- my inner child from the responsibility of financial scarcity;
- myself from scared-little-girl mode;
- being solely responsible for relationship success;
- the negative energy that surrounded me for decades;
- myself from four toxic familial dynamics;
- the inability to keep the love and attention of a man.
For decades I was surrounded by negative energy – from toxic systems, family dynamics, and relationship rules. I am finally free of that. Not that bad things and bad days won’t still happen, but I am learning to find the silver lining, the grace notes, the transformative energy. Attracting what’s meant for me, repelling what isn’t. I am prioritizing faith over fears, belief over doubt. Confident that all my needs are being met. September has been a bizarre month when I think about it – but it makes far more sense in the context of gentle recalibration – for which I am grateful.