April 2026: Strength Training
Unlearning, learning, retraining the brain, and trauma recovery happens in layers. Just when we think we’ve got a concept down pat, lesson over, time to move on – it resurfaces in another context or on a deeper level. Strength training – building up my inner core – is definitely like that and is the theme for April. And it involves the work of seeing myself differently. I even caught myself one morning, looking in the mirror, and having a moment of ‘we’re not doing that anymore.’ I can’t remember what negative self-talk had started up – but it is more important to remember that I chose not to engage. It was a memorable moment for that alone.
Mid-April I journalled about seeing myself as capable vs insufficient and needing to prove myself – prompted by a communication ‘glitch’ with someone that while regrettable “had to happen – because I was so caught up in my insecurities.” The glitch acted like a reset. The concluding statement of that entry still resonates: “I don’t need reassurance from anyone, I need it from me.” The antidote to anxiety – one of those strength training exercises to build up my inner core – to reassure myself that I am capable and sufficient.
The next day, I noted that “I need to be stronger in my sense of self. Own my presence. Not grow a damn thicker skin – I have no desire to be hard and crusty…It is more an awareness and ownership – an inner strength – not an outer crust. This is what has always been lacking. I am a grown-ass woman, responsible for my own emotions, thoughts, and feelings. The days of being taken care of are long past me…[referring back to the father -wound]. I will never have a parent take care of me or help me process emotions or teach me coping strategies.” The communication glitch involved wanting an emotionally corrective experience with someone when I needed to self-soothe after a hard day. Even though I was so overwhelmed I couldn’t see straight, I later recognized the need to reclaim my power and my presence. “I need to reassure myself. Be confident in my own decisions. Be rooted and grounded in Love. There is nothing to second guess. I must dig down to my centre – engage my core.”
So in a way, the communication glitch did serve as an emotionally corrective experience, but in reverse – “as an opportunity for me to break my pattern. This is where I have to circumvent victim-mode of trauma recovery and interrupt the pity party. Accept the reality of being an adult rather than pine for the child’s need to be rescued and reassured. I never got that. And only I can provide that now. If I met an individual capable of soothing me, it would stagnate my growth. In an ideal world, it would heal that father-wound; but we don’t live in an ideal world. It is embarrassing to realize I wanted to be parented. Helpful, but horrifying. I need to show up as an adult, not a child.”
Later I revisited the concept of strength training as an effort to “build up an immunity to judgements, criticism, and distancing tactics. Be vulnerable enough to admit I wanted someone to parent me – but there was nobody there. Not in a whiny victim tone, but as a curious observer. I showed up as a whiny, petulant girl – not a woman who can handle her own business. Only trick being I didn’t feel like a woman who could handle her own business. Interesting. Still that little girl longing to be rescued. I need to reassure her she doesn’t need rescuing anymore!”
As usual for me, social media messages came through my feed that pertained to this idea of strength training: “A reminder that you’ve made it this far and that you have the strength to keep going. Breathe deeply. Let go of self-doubt…You are capable, worthy, and stronger than you realize. Keep shining, keep growing.” From Healing Energy Tools, April 16th. As well as this one from the 15th: “You are entering a time of personal expansion. Old limits are fading and new possibilities are appearing. Believe in your ability to grow beyond what once felt impossible. Your potential is greater than you realize.” In response I wrote in my journal: “This is all so very true…I have to expand from looking outside myself for soothing, care, and attention – and look within. While relationships and human connections are the stuff of healing, there is also the recognition of growing past that – not turtling, but expanding. Now there’s a brain teaser! Turning within for expansion rather than self-preservation. My head is spinning right now trying to grasp that one.”
That juxtaposition of looking within for expansion rather than turtling (hiding deep within myself) in self-preservation is going to be mind-bending for a while – and take practice to assimilate into my core beliefs and self-understanding. I have some more unlearning to do of the belief system I was raised within, developing stronger beliefs that truly strengthen my core, continue retraining my brain (getting new neurons firing and wiring together), and transitioning through the trauma-recovery modes of victim, survivor, and thriving. It is embarrassing and painful whenever I catch myself back in victim mode, but such an elevation when I survive and even thrive with new inner strength.
Happy growing pains! May your inner core be strengthened as you handle whatever Life throws at you.
Other blogs along this line include Sep 2023: Biker Babe (inner core); May 2021: True Love (looking within rather than without); June 2023: Essence (not hiding, but rising like a Phoenix); May 2023: Core Beliefs.