June 2026 – My Autistic Self
This month’s blog is actually from a mid-May journal entry. Not that June hasn’t provided plenty of material for blogging! But I am still processing it, and this entry was a contender for May and remains relevant. The journal entry started with: “Mind blowing realization on the walk this morning. Sitting on the back deck in the finally warm sunshine with my tea and Abbie. She, of course, insisted we sit outside. 😊 Such a creature of habit – but then, so am I. Such different reasons for journalling than a year ago!” What follows is an edited version of that entry.
My morning discovery had to do with how autistic I am. 😉 My research [during Master of Arts studies] on Avoidant Personality Disorder was really an attempt to understand my unrecognized autism. Makes so much sense now! Like a lens has been sharpened or a window cleaned. “Getting it right” has been both autism and OCD: to know what is expected of me, the rules, etc. Which prompted me to ponder the relationship between religion and all its rules and autism.
At first, I thought they might be a good fit – and then I recognized why not: the rules are always shifting; it is not cut and dried, doesn’t seem to apply to all participants equally; and when the rules don’t make sense, neurodivergents find it confusing. My OCD wouldn’t let me reject the inconsistent or nonsensical rules outright. But now that I can, it is very liberating. My autism wanted to follow the rules so I wouldn’t feel the angst of being uncertain of what was expected of me. My OCD was afraid of getting into trouble.
No wonder my brain and body are worn out trying to assess every single situation. Neurodivergence also explains my conflicted relationship with change. I can adapt to some major life changes like moving across the country better than when stores change their layout or different staff greet me. I like that I know my physician’s receptionist. She was on lunch break when I was there last; and I found that slightly unsettling. I am getting better at adapting. It didn’t throw me for a loop. Not as badly as forgetting the pill bottle and having to turn around to get it. But I kept myself from escalating which is not insignificant.
Conducting a family meeting was also a reminder why I don’t do adolescent or family therapy. I am too straightforward. I don’t pick up social cues – just emotional ones. I am constantly trying to ascertain what is expected of me. Boggles my mind how some people move through life with ease. Makes sense why I’m so tired – especially after social interactions. It’s not just a trauma-bond, learned behaviour. It is also autism trying to get it right.
I’ve come a long way since my indecisive teen and young adult years! I remember the angst of making a choice or stating a preference – had to know what everyone else thought/wanted first. Not just for fear of judgement, or not rocking the boat, or rejection sensitivity – but not knowing what was expected or “right. Back to reflecting upon religion, it blows my mind how ‘the church’ neglects basic kindness and common courtesy. Yet autistics generally understand those “rules” – except when combined with narcissism like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory.
Now I understand why I lost interest in hosting dinner parties – too exhausting. Too many unspoken expectations/rules. I was trying to create connections and sense of belonging. All I got was stress and the occasional pat on the back. The return on investment diminished. It couldn’t prove my worth, or validate my existence, or generate belonging. I was trying to follow the rule of “family gathering.” I did make people feel loved and included. But at what cost to myself?
I wonder if there will ever be a time that I don’t have to try so hard? I’m autistic; so I never know if I’m doing the right thing. No wonder I am so dependent upon ‘external validation.’ I need concrete feedback just to function. However, I need to separate that from personal worth and value. No wonder us neurodivergents struggle with worthiness. We are constantly challenged on that subject. And seldom get usable feedback with kindness and acceptance.
All that time thinking my brain was broken, it was wired differently and lacked proper production of the neurotransmitters serotonin and dopamine. I survived on relief – when the job got done or crisis averted/resolved. Always asking: Am I of use? Am I of benefit to others? Very layered. From people pleasing coping mechanism to religious rule to personal value system. Other people are “just here” to get the most out of life – whatever that means to them. Others are eking out their existence just doing what needs to be done.
What is anyone’s driving force? Is it external or internal? Mine is shifting from primarily external to more internal – aligned with who I am. Not simply survival, but thriving. I’ve had glimpses. And I had to walk away from my religion and my marriage in order to achieve that. That makes me sad as well as relieved. Feels like so much wasted time. Can’t change the trajectory of my life. Yet so glad that heaviness that I carried well into my adult years has lifted. I can’t remember a time when it wasn’t there. It has eased incrementally. The religious and marital oppression is also gone. I can think for myself now. I have shed so much garbage: from within and without.
I guess this is a post about self-acceptance. I know that June has been about not pushing myself so hard; and I sense that it has a lot to do with this. We’ll see what surfaces or gets adequately processed in the coming weeks. May you all have a wonderful summer being driven by whatever force keeps you going. Feel free to share any reflections you have upon self-acceptance and driving forces.