July 2026 – Glow Up

Posted on Jul 27, 2026

The past 2 months have been quite revelatory for me which has taken some time to process. Reading over journal entries was in itself cause for further reflection. As much as I am an open book in my blog, I tend to keep details private. However, context is needed to make sense of these self-revelations. A 10-month dating situation ended the first week of June that prompted a regression to my teen years (being a hopeless disappointment). I still miss the man and his teenage daughter; but I know both the relationship(s) and its ending are for my best.

One of the first observations I made was this: “I don’t know how to be in a relationship just for me. I don’t know if it exists. I am always fucking accommodating someone. I don’t know how to show up any other way…I’m totally okay with sacrificing my happiness for the well-being of others. Done that my entire life.”

A couple days later I noted, “I overfunction trying to prevent bad things from happening.” And the following day, “It’s hard for me not to rationalize away the sadness. I must stop overthinking…Just because people choose not to put in the effort does NOT mean I’m not worth it…Core belief to assess: my life only has meaning in service to others. Most people don’t value this belief. I don’t know what the alternatives are. My life has meaning simply because I am here. I choose to make it more meaningful by helping others. But first it has to have meaning ‘as is.’”

On June 11th I wrote, “I can make the world a better place just by being in it. I don’t have to fix a damn thing… My presence may light the way for some, not everyone. I remain a very flawed human myself who needs others to light the way on occasion as well – oddly, sometimes by the lack of the light. Darkness also indicates the way to go at times – either to avoid it or hide in it.” I go on to talk about getting my pattern (trauma bonding and overfunctioning) out of my system. Like my abuse recovery clients, I, too, select less harmful options each time I venture out into the dating pool. At the end of this entry, I declared, “I will no longer make myself small for someone, nor tolerate bullshit once I see it.” Of course, this will take more practice. It is not learned overnight.

I first learned about over/under functioning from reading Harriet Lerner’s The Dance of Anger (1985) – a concept based in Bowen Family Systems Theory. In a nutshell, overfunctioning is doing too much for people, and underfunctioning is not doing enough for ourselves – and usually getting upset when the desired results aren’t achieved. Given my upbringing, I swoop in to the save day when others do not manage their own emotions, fulfill obligations, complete basic tasks, etc (whether it is asked of me or not). Don’t get me wrong, I am also capable of underfunctioning – like not speaking up when I am uncomfortable or avoiding tasks that I feel ill-equipped to tackle (for example, back when I was married, I let my husband drive in the city because I was too scared/intimidated to learn – until I had to for medical appointments as he couldn’t always take off work to chauffeur me).

The other key pattern is trauma bonding – not the variety involving bonding over trauma, but the abusive kind which is a little less straightforward – when a person is sucked into a seesaw-like exchange of good and bad. In my case, the trauma bonding and overfunctioning go hand-in-hand. At one point I noted in my journal, “I had to get sucked-in in order to bear witness to my present and my past. And to understand that trauma bonding never wins or works. It acted like a real-life object lesson.” Some people describe it as a transactional relationship – needs met in exchange for certain behaviours.

My trauma-bonding and overfunctioning is complicated by OCD which is convinced, “If I don’t get it right, bad things will happen.” I compulsively overfunction to prevent bad things from happening such as rejection or disconnection from others. My brain also assumes my needs won’t be met if I don’t overfunction (imprinting from my childhood and adolescence that to have a chance of having a need met, I had to overfunction). This chance at having a need met is the trauma bonding and is reinforced when, on occasion, a need is met to some degree.

Add to these patterns, the inner child’s plea: “I will be who you want me to be – just love me.” Hence, I keep trying to twist and contort myself in exchange for safety and security with another person (transactional relationship). Near the end of June, I was able to note, “I don’t need to do that anymore. I am safe with myself.” This is crucial inner child work – feeling safe with oneself. My inner child is no longer trauma-bonded with anyone. I can reparent her to feel safe and secure with my adult self. I will protect her and make sure her needs are met – out of love and respect, for no other reason or hidden agenda. Self-care becomes inner child work when we quit demanding more of ourselves than is feasible, quit pushing ourselves to perform beyond limits of body, mind, or spirit.

By July, my journal entries shifted into self-acceptance and taking responsibility for self-care and safety.  On the first of July, I was able to write: “How empowering it is to own and take responsibility for my fragility and sensitivity. My true authentic self. I don’t need to hide it or be somebody else. I am no longer a vulnerable child, dependent upon authority figures…I am completely and wholly my own person – who longs for connection and belonging – but is no longer willing to sacrifice or hide my true nature for said connection and belonging.” A week later, I was able to process the need for a relationship in terms of thriving (functioning at my full potential) rather than survival (being insufficient or incapable of managing on my own).

Throughout the month of July, I wrote statements such as:

• “Needing a partner is not a sign of failure or weakness.”
• “I do not need to overfunction to get my needs met.”
• “Speaking up rather than swallowing my words as a safety measure.”
• “I must reset my nervous system to speak up when I am uncomfortable.”
• “Transforming my core of shame into something bright & beautiful, strong & fiercely fabulous, becoming fabulously fierce. That is the real glow up.”
• “I truly want to engage with someone – not coax, convince, cajole, or contort myself in anyway – nor them.”
• “My value is not dependent upon functioning. It is about Be-ing.”
• And from social media courtesy of ‘CPTSD Explained By Liza:’ “The nervous system heals in connection because it was wounded in connection.”

My Internal Family System (see Nov 2024 ) is doing ‘its thing’ absorbing and assimilating this new framework with plenty of resistance from my Inner Critic represented by Owl in the Winnie-the-Pooh cast of characters. I know he means well, trying to protect me from disappointment. The irony is, he’d rather have me accept ‘life sucks’ before it even has a chance to glow up. Life is full of disappointments; but I don’t have to pre-empt any of them. That keeps me stuck and unempowered. Life is meant to be enjoyed, not endured. A concept Owl is not entirely comfortable with yet. He’s better at fiercely independent endurance than joyful, hopeful, vulnerable authenticity.

What about you? How are you managing the ups and downs of life? What core beliefs are being challenged? What opportunities for ‘glow up’ have you encountered? Feel free to submit a comment or send an email.