May 2025: Heffalumps
May has been an interesting month for me. A bit of an emotional roller coaster, yet stabilizing as well. In reading over this month’s journal entries, a clear theme didn’t surface as in previous months. So it is a bit more challenging to summarize where I’m at on my healing journey. However, because of the focus on Heffalumps, this could be considered a continuation of last month’s blog on cPTSD (see April 2025)
One of the concepts on repeat this month came in the form of a little ditty I conjured up inspired by memes exhorting me to reclaim my power and “step up” in one form or another. This prompted a cPTSD response akin to a minor rebellion, or in the context of my Internal Family System (see Nov 2024), my Heffalumps got a tad restless. My brain and body declared they did not want to “power up” for fear of being pushed too far: “It’ll be too much for me.” Ergo, yet another trauma loop to complete (see July 2024). I am no longer a “dependent” (either child or spouse) without personal power and choice. I have options previously unavailable to me.
I can say no
I can say yes
I can stop to
take a rest
This led to more musings of my teenage years, my marriage, and the various contexts in which I felt pressured to perform. “I am terrified of being pushed beyond my limits.”
In my journal, I also wrote about loneliness more than once this month. Especially acknowledging that this may be an off-and-on struggle for me my entire life – primarily in regard to a sense of belonging. Using my Internal Family System analogy, at least one Heffalump is always hungry – much like Winnie-the-Pooh – and steals his honey. 😊 But the hunger is a perpetual feeling of sadness, a loneliness – a hunger for belonging, for being seen, for feeling connected.
This hit home again later in the month watching a webinar of two indigenous survivors of the broadly-named Sixties Scoop. I could rant about that vicious cycle for hours – apprehension of children is higher than ever now; and the system which causes the issues then circumvents extended family from stepping into the gap. Heartbreaking stories. But I will take my one foot off that soapbox and step back. I think it’s hard for me because I can personally (as well as professionally) relate to their trauma stories even though the context differs. A system perpetuates the problem – a system they are stuck fighting. At least I could leave the religious institution(s) that contributed to my intergenerational trauma. I am not stuck fighting them.
Mid-month, a minor incident occurred that triggered a significant cPTSD response.
“When you were left emotionally alone as a child, even small signs of disconnection can feel like abandonment all over again. That intensity doesn’t mean you’re weak – it means you’re remembering, and your nervous system is trying to protect you.” ~ Tiny Buddha
It felt like the Heffalumps were stampeding past the internal family members standing motionless, gaping at the charging herd, panicked by the sight of dust flying everywhere, the cacophony of sounds, and smell of ‘danger’ thick in the air. Everyone was frozen in place, unsure what to do. Things didn’t settle down until I, the narrator of my Internal Family System story, could process the following:
“There’s a part of you that fears things will go wrong even when they’re going right. You got so accustomed to inconsistent results earlier in your life that you carried the pattern of thoughts that went with it; and it’s time to drop that. A big part of loving yourself involves you accepting that you deserve every single thing you’ve manifested and attracted into your life. Including everything you’ve yet to…” May 12 Source Message
I had to refocus on what was consistent versus what could be interpreted as abandonment or being judged inferior. I had to recognize I was remembering, not reliving. I also had to revisit entrenched patterns of behaviour designed to protect myself by placating and appeasing others. The ‘disconnect’ was that I didn’t need to so with this particular person. They weren’t expecting that of me. It was not my responsibility to make or keep them happy. That was their choice in that particular moment. The trigger was that I was trying to placate them, then felt written off as a disappointment. I was operating from survival mode, not thriving.
“If you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you’ve already forgotten your value.” ~ unknown.
I do not have to prove my worth or make myself lovable or acceptable. That is old programming that I need to release and to upgrade my operating system to one of a strong inner core that knows my innate value. It required a significant inner shift – from one of seeking external validation to one of knowing my worth – that I was important. It is hard to explain, but it is different to operate from a place of knowing you are important rather than always second guessing it and needing proof – or if things go awry that it is interpreted as proof of being unacceptable.
That Source Message from May 12 really hit home for me. A message that was reinforced a couple more times by others: “You no longer carry the weight of your past into new experiences. Which is why things are opening up for you, why you feel new moments more deeply. Where your energy used to close off, it now invites…” (May 16); and “Your vibe is becoming more in tune with who you really are, and less of a reflection of the environment you were brought up in. That innate space is where your unique gifts reside; it’s where your purpose lives; and it’s where you’ll find the consistent peace of mind that comes with no longer carrying the responsibility of being who others want you to be…” (May 22).
In some ways, my healing journey came full circle this month, back to levelling up. But in a different way than my brain first perceived it. It isn’t about ‘doing,’ it is about ‘being.’ I tell my clients all the time it is about expressing your True Self rather than accomplishing or achieving. Reclaiming power and preparing for ‘greater things to come’ doesn’t have anything to do with strengths and limitations. It is being in tune with our True Selves and living from that inner core rather than any external influences. While hard to explain, when you experience the internal shift, everything changes.
It is no longer about being pushed too far, pressured to perform, placate, appease, or people-please. It becomes a gentle inner strength that influences how we perceive incoming information as well as how we choose to express ourselves through our words, actions, boundaries, and choices. It is like changing the filters on your inner filtration system. Not only is there less gunk to sort through, but the very nature of the filter is upgraded to process with greater clarity – like upgrading from basic to anti-allergen filters. 😊
Not sure where this will land for my followers, so feel free to share your thoughts and experiences with thoughts gone awry like stampeding Heffalumps, internal shifts, or filters that you’ve upgraded.
Happy travels on your healing journey!
audio recording of me reading aloud my blog