July 2024 – Trauma Loops
July seems to have gone by in a blur. So much, and yet so little, has happened. I have been crazy busy this last week – but not necessarily with work. And some of the busy-ness has been internal rather than external. I started reading over July’s journal entries, and could hardly believe how much has transpired – how much has changed in my inner world. Today I wrote that I almost feel like a different person – or as some like to say, vibrating at a different frequency. It is difficult to explain; and as I have never been in this place before, I have nothing to fall back on to set my bearings. I am charting new territory.
One thing that has struck me this month is the concept of completing trauma loops. This is a concept that works for me but is not necessarily in the trauma recovery literature. A bit like combining ideas to formulate one of my own. My clients seem to grasp it when I talk about it, so that is the main thing – that what I learn and assimilate into my own healing journey is also of benefit to my clients.
Most of my clients will, by now, be familiar with how trauma and the brain works – complete with diagrams. The amygdala (danger detector and emotional memory maker) gets fired up about something and rallies the troops to engage in fight, flight, or freeze. I know fawn is a new buzz word, but to me, it still falls under the freeze response. Part of trauma recovery is introducing what I call “the fourth option” – a chosen response instead of a knee-jerk reaction – in order to retrain the amygdala’s danger detector to be more accurate in assessing what is truly life-and-death and thus requiring said rallying of the troops. For us trauma survivors, a lot of the time the troops are rallied, at great expense to our bodily resources, disproportionate to the perceived danger.
Where am I going with this? One way to retrain the amygdala and get new neurons firing and wiring together is to complete the trauma loops. I refer to them as loops because unresolved trauma seems to go round and round in our systems – causing great havoc – until we can complete the process. Usually this means interrupting the stuck freeze response in order to stop the unrestricted flow of excess adrenaline and cortisol. This can be done in a number of ways, but today I will reflect upon how this occurred for me recently. It wasn’t something I set out to do, but rather I recognized what was happening and decided to go with the flow and see where it went. In another instance, I recognized the process in retrospect rather than in the moment.
One of the contributors to the recent craziness was hosting (but not organizing) a mini retreat for a few stressed-out city folks who needed a reset out in nature’s warm embrace. And believe me, it was a warm one! These city folk included an 11-yr-old girl who gravitated to me the moment they arrived. Surprising given I am not a child magnet. We tend to have to warm up to each other. But not this time. Because the other group members were two couples, I jokingly referred to myself and the girl as ‘the kids’ as opposed to the grown-ups who stayed up way past her and my bedtime. In this case, I went with the flow of things by playing with the girl instead of my usual role (and comfort zone) of chief cook & bottle washer and organizer extraordinaire.
Hence, this retreat weekend ended up being a healing time for my inner child. I seriously got to play all weekend. Sounds a bit of an oxymoron: serious play. I did spend time with the adults as well, but the bulk of my “duties” were play. Not a role with which I am particularly familiar. I was one of those children who had to grow up fast and had grown-up responsibilities from an early age. Playing does not come naturally for me. I am not sure how I managed it actually. My favourite play time was when we all went to the water with the dogs. I splashed around and laughed like never before. I don’t think I laughed that much even as a child! I honestly had fun. That might not seem like much, but for me it was significant. I do believe my inner child had fun, too.
Another healing moment came in the form of getting my dog recognized as an emotional support dog. This involved obtaining a letter from my doctor as well as purchasing a vest/harness indicating my dog as emotional support. While the circumstances for which I began this process changed, yesterday I took her for a trial run when I had to pick up a prescription from the pharmacy I use in a nearby community. Abbie performed in this role like a seasoned pro! This entire process was significant for me because it interrupted the trauma loop that I didn’t deserve accommodations for my mental health limitations. It is a level of self-care to which I am not accustomed.
A third significant trauma loop was interrupted when the Universe prompted me to sign up for an online dating app. Absolutely mind blowing that this could even be a possibility, let alone happen. I am an incredibly shy introvert – putting myself “out there” was immensely stressful yet liberating – and one of those things I was certain I would never do. In my journal I noted I could see it being a valuable exercise even if nothing came of it as it forced me to see myself differently. And I had to present myself in a way that was self-respecting yet inviting for the right type of person. I had to recognize I was worth the effort and not ‘easy prey.’ It meant knowing my boundaries and acting on them. There are some strange folks out there! I also had to trust that the Universe knew what they were doing and had my back. It’s been challenging, but also rewarding in unexpected ways.
Putting myself first instead of last, enforcing boundaries, knowing my worth. All valuable lessons. At times I can’t believe how my journey as evolved since the beginning of the year. And I am still on it. Still moving forward. Sometimes learning after the fact, sometimes in the moment. And I have received so much encouragement from my “online community.” I have been supported through this entire process by forces seen and unseen. And the best part is that it has given other people hope that no matter their situation, change for the better is possible. You can teach an old dog new tricks – it might just take a little longer. 😊
Here’s to all of us continuing on our healing journeys, making the most of every opportunity, resting when that is what is needed, and taking in every beautiful moment.
Really understand you when you say you didn’t really play as a young child and had to grow up fast. Big hugs to you.