The Winding Path

Counselling Services provided by Barb Zacharias

June 2015: Living Out Loud

Posted on Jun 19, 2015

June 2015: Living Out Loud

As I begin this, I am not sure what to blog about this month. There are always thoughts percolating in my mind, but nothing has jumped out demanding to be put into writing which leaves me in a bit of a spot. So this may be more a collection of jumbled thoughts than a cohesive entry.

As this quote has been occupying my mind quite a bit lately, I will start with this:

“Sometimes you just have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out. Maybe not how you planned, but just how they’re meant to be.”

Some of you know that the past three years have been particularly difficult for me since the loss of my dog, Gracie, in March of 2012.

Her death triggered so much pain to surface—basically any unresolved grief bubbled up, insisting to be dealt with. For the first time, I truly grieved the death of my mother that happened when I turned 5. Along with that came many childhood issues that required attention. Inner child work became standard for me. All aspects of my life came into question and under introspection.

With all that grief to attend to, I have felt a heavy weight upon my soul for the past three years. Until this past week that is. I wish I could articulate the shift, but a shift certainly has taken place. From feeling like the world has been off its axis a degree or two to feeling stable and sure of myself. It’s been quite the shift.

I refer to it as shifting from living in a whisper to living out loud.

That’s quite a switch from “please don’t notice me” to “be all that I can be.”

In a journal entry from earlier this week, I wrote that God wants far more for me than I can even imagine. Not to push or to pressure me, but to live out fully who I’ve been created to be. Not to meet a quota of souls saved, missions accomplished—but to just be me with all my gifts & abilities, joys & sorrows, dreams & disappointments.

In other words: to live out loud.

I’ve tried to hide myself my entire life (for a whole host of reasons but primarily from non-existent self-esteem). I didn’t think I deserved anymore than the pain and suffering that was all around me. What happiness I eked out of life was short-lived, shallow, and results-based—and always with a tinge of sadness to it and/or self-deprecation.

My efforts to retrain my brain apparently are beginning to pay off. I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel, brightness within me, and a new self-appreciation. I can honestly say, I have never before felt good about myself—my accomplishment, certain traits, that sort of thing, but never “just me.” It is such a wonderful feeling.

It feels good to feel good about myself.

It’s certainly been a stormy stretch of sea, but within the current calm waters I can agree:

“Sometimes you just have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out. Maybe not how you planned, but just how they’re meant to be.”

May you take a break from the worrying, wondering, and doubting—and just ‘be’ in all your personal brilliance. Shine on!

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March 2015: Self-Talk

Posted on Mar 15, 2015

March 2015: Self-Talk

Since last month’s blog entry, I have been give opportunities to think about my own positive self-talk—or lack thereof. And specifically what gets in the way. From what I can gather, it all comes down to the concept of shame—which the dictionary defines as “a painful senses of having done something wrong, improper, or immodest.” Synonyms are disgrace and dishonor.

This describes healthy shame when we are actually guilty of wrong doing. But what of the deeper underlying sense of shame-the unhealthy kind—that writes us off as a person? This shame is not limited to a single “bad” or misguided behaviour. This shame is a painful sense of being something wrong, improper, or immodest—of being a disgrace not just behaving dishonourably or disgracefully.

We develop such a sense of shame early on—usually in childhood or adolescence—by the shaming action of another person. The child or youth comes to the conclusion: “There must be something wrong with me; I must be a bad person for this to happen to me.” I had such experiences and conclusions as a child and adolescent—even into young adulthood.

It can carry on indefinitely depending on one’s life circumstances. Shaming is perpetuated by parents toward adult children, spouses, siblings, peers, co-workers, supervisors, managers, teachers, professors, therapists, doctors, church leaders, in fact leaders of any kind. Relationships with a power differential of some sort are especially vulnerable to the practice of shaming.

So early on in my development I internalized that I must be a “bad person”: the only explanation my child-brain could come up with for life’s circumstances. And which was ingrained over the years by shaming messages from a variety of sources. So ingrained that I became expert at shaming myself. No other voice necessary but my own at times.

This healing journey I’ve been on has led me to examine the statement: “I am a good person.” At first, it didn’t fit right at all; but the more I tried it on, the better it felt each time. I was (am) changing the neuronal pathways of my brain. It still needs more wear to become a cozy fit, but I am slowly internalizing that I am good person. And I’m learning the most effective antidote for shaming is a healthy sense of self. Slowly the shaming voices in my head are being silenced.

For I am a good person—even though far from perfect—just like you.

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January 2015: Crazy Life & Fresh Starts

Posted on Jan 15, 2015

January 2015: Crazy Life & Fresh Starts

This will be an unusual blog posting; but here goes…

Well, it has been a crazy ride since mid-September of 2014. One incident after another has kept me on me on my toes, primed for what could possibly be coming next. Here is an compilation of my Facebook posts to get you up to date.

September 2014
19Bizarre day. Not even sure what to say about it. Still processing arriving upon the scene of an accident minutes after it happened and helping control traffic–except my parked truck with hazards flashing didn’t deter nearly enough people from driving around me and the scene of the accident! I left when the firemen said I was free to go. I’m still processing what I witnessed. I think I said that already…
22Just a quick update that I got from a client today (not the person I offered to help at the scene). I don’t even know how to express this. The accident was a fatality as I suspected given the scene. The motorcyclist was on his way to his son’s wedding rehearsal. Coincidentally, the son & fiancée were at the same intersection. How tragic for the son to ID his dad’s body at the scene. The wedding took place the next day as planned. One of the guests was a friend of the client I saw today. Given what I was told at the scene, it is possible that the motorcyclist had a medical incident as a precursor to the collision as he wobbled on his bike and fell before he was struck by the vehicle behind him. How strange to reprocess the accident with a client today!

October
31Truck to Dodge for servicing. Just a quick little rant about my visit to Olds/Mountain View Dodge yesterday. They were certainly in the Halloween Spirit. Quite the trick they played charging me $263 (plus change) to tell me they couldn’t reprogram my Central Timing Module that I had replaced, used, by a well-respected local mechanic shop. Really??? The used part cost less than their failed attempt to reprogram it! One hour of shop rate I could stomach–but a bunch of BS?!?! That’s expensive stuff! Back to the local guys for their 2 cents…

November
1Apparently I have a new super-power–the ability to keep other dogs from barking while babies are sleeping inside. I was chastised today for not walking Elsa fast enough past a certain home this morning–as there was a baby in the house! I commented that I was working on it and that my dog was not the one barking. The dog in question also kept barking long after Elsa & I were out of sight. And I had just been thinking how proud I was of Elsa passing that particular house with very little incident! It used to be quite the scenario. She has been doing so well. If only that woman knew the whole story…mine & Elsa’s! Her comment still stings a little. But I’ll get over it. I was also proud of myself for speaking up for Elsa (& me)!
14–see November blog posting about returning to the dealership to have my bill cleared up.

Also in November Elsa took issue with a neighbour dog prompting the owner to say some very unkind things which triggered quite the trauma setback and a dysthymia dip for me. Days later, I was on my way to Calgary for a 3-day trauma & addictions conference where I met the presenter who offered me phone sessions. As well, I started a new drug at the end of the month.

In December I had my phone consultation with the trauma therapist and began to notice positive changes with my new medication. In the midst of all that, Christmas quietly came and went.

It is with huge relief that 2015 has arrived without much ta-do. I am looking forward to the many fresh starts the new year has yet to offer. So far so good. Nothing traumatic as of yet. Still on a healing journey. Meds continue to do their thing. On the right track…

May your 2015 be off to a fresh start with many blessings to encounter in the days ahead.

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December 2014: Winter Solstice

Posted on Dec 20, 2014

December 2014: Winter Solstice

WINTER, a sharp bitter day
the robin turns plump against the cold
the sun is week
silver faded from gold
he is late in his coming and short in his stay
Man, beast, bird and air all purging, all cleansing,
earth already purified awaits the rite of spring
Her bridal gown a virgin snow and frosts in her hair
A snowdrop by the road today bowed gracefully
and high upon the wing up in the sparkling nothingness,
a lone bird began to sing
Can gentle spring be far away?
~ Winter by Tommy Makem

I am always glad for the turning point in the year when the daylight returns. Even though these are considered the shortest days of the year, they feel like the longest–especially when the skies are overcast; and what daylight we do have is dim. This is a time to celebrate the changing of the seasons with brightly coloured lights strung upon evergreens. Life and Light continues even in the midst of bleak darkness.

This is also a season to clean out the darkest corners of our minds. This concept is sparked by a conversation yesterday about the reasons we have to face addictions (behaviour and chemical). We seldom do that for ourselves, but rather are motivated for some other reason—usually another living being or the risk of losing said being. We generally don’t have the self-worth to embark on such a hazardous journey for our Self.

The addictive behaviour or substance is what is for our own benefit—letting go of that coping strategy is for someone else. We weigh the risk of losing someone important to us, as heavier than the risk of losing what we think is holding us together, in order to salvage a relationship or lifestyle.

We might be about to lose a job or home—but that loss is tempered by what it will mean to others such as our families. It is one thing to create a homeless, jobless life for ourselves. It’s quite another to do that “to” people we truly care about. And sometimes we push away the people who care about us as we patch together some sort of life that supports our addiction of choice.

For me, I didn’t come face-to-face with the patches of my life until my dog, Gracie, died in March 2012. And I didn’t find the courage to face some of my many anxieties (especially social ones) until Elsa came along three months later. It quickly became apparent that to help Elsa with her anxieties, I’d have to face and deal with my own.

And as we have a few successes along the way of dealing with our patches, our coping strategies, we build the self-worth to tackle the hazards on our healing journey for our Self—when we finally get that we are worth the effort and want to make our own lives better.

Reminds me of Winter Solstice—we have to get through the darkest days in order to appreciate the new life Spring brings. May you find your own reasons to get through these darkest of days (and clean out the darkest corners) until we can awaken in the Spring.

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.
Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have ligh
ted the flame within us.”
~ Albert Schweitzer

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October 2012: Alpha Update

Posted on Oct 17, 2012

This has been quite the summer and fall in Alberta. Glorious warm days alternated with typical cool ones.  The leaves are nearing the finish of their fall resplendence. Soon, there will be naked trees awaiting a blanket of snow. It will be gray and bleary for a while before the sparkle of snow blinds our vision on those winter days of luminous sunshine.

Once again, it is a time of transition. Not only is the weather preparing us for yet another season, but fall schedules and programming are underway. Gone are the glory days of summer. It is back to work or school or whatever it is that marks the change of season in our individual lives.

And as promised, I am ready to give an update on this transition phase in our lives with our new dog. I am happy to report that anxiety levels are definitely on the decline—for both human and canine. For some reason, I am pleasantly surprised that I was able to find my calm and assertive self. My inner Alpha has surfaced.

By all means, the transition phase is far from over. Elsa’s anxieties, while reduced, are nowhere near obliterated. There remains a lot of work ahead of us to maintain pack leader status and a balanced environment. Just when we think we are making headway, the boundaries are tested once again. However, it is requiring less and less energy to re-establish tested boundaries. There is improvement even in the midst of regression.

Good for me to note on a daily basis. I can wallow in frustration and discouragement, or I can remind myself of how much better it is than back in July. Really, there is remarkable improvement in just over 3 months. And even though there are rounds and rounds of behaviour modification, there is also the sweet reward of a sensitive and faithful companion—who “just knows” when we are sad and could use an extra snuggle or tears licked away.

Improvement in the midst of regression. Reward in the middle of an uphill battle. The spiral affect we all face. Just as we clear an upward swing, there follows the accompanying downward spiral. Back up we climb, only to slide back a bit. And on it goes—slowly inching our way upward, forward. Learning as we go.

With each correction Elsa receives, my confidence grows. With each loving lick, my heart is rewarded. And so we continue to spiral along. Each on our own spiral of personal growth, yet intertwined, learning from each other.

May you encounter moments of growth and reward with each passing spiral of your day.

 

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July 2012: Inner Alpha

Posted on Jul 18, 2012

The middle of July caught me quite unawares. Here it is a few days past, and I hadn’t given any thought to writing a blog entry. Normally there are numerous thoughts tumbling around in the agitator of my mind, but today I find myself wondering what it is I wish to write about.

Like last month, there would appear to be an obvious choice: our new dog—which could explain why blogging was the furthest thing from my mind. We brought home a 2 year old mutt (mainly a crossbreed of German Shepherd and Heeler—aka Australian Cattle dog) on July 2nd. Life has definitely been an adventure ever since.

A few things come to mind as I consider what to say about life with a new dog. Overall, she is well-behaved and already well-trained. She knows her basic commands and learned her new name, Elsa, very quickly. Being very affectionate, she is a joy to have around. Being very energetic, she requires plenty of exercise and stimulation. And as anyone familiar with canine behaviour knows, one must establish being pack leader to ensure life with a dog is a pleasurable experience. As renowned Dog Whisperer, Caesar Milan, notes: a dog needs exercise, discipline, then love to be balanced. I know a thing or two about being unbalanced myself!

So I am once again on a journey to find and assert my inner Alpha. Our previous rescue dog had similar issues to our new one, so pack leader status was hard-earned in that instance also. Hard to believe what we had all forgotten from our early years with Gracie. We are once again reminded daily of what it takes to be a pack leader—but with the knowledge that a beautiful, long-lasting relationship is the reward.

This need to establish Alpha coincides with my own personal journey to be strong and be my own person. Maybe it’s not a coincidence after all. There is a part of me that believes Elsa is meant to be a part of this small family. While it would be easy for me to stay in my familiar, unassertive ways, Elsa requires me to find within the calm assertiveness to be pack leader. Not an easy task.

There are many times my inner anxieties surface—which only fuel Elsa’s. She then believes she must take care of me. Of course, the irony is I am anxious about Elsa’s behaviour around other dogs whereas she only knows the anxiety, and thinks it is an external threat and not herself that I worry about. I must first convince myself that I can handle the situation before I can convince Elsa she also can be well-behaved around other dogs. Elsa is, in a way, forcing me to deal with my anxieties—discover their root sources, triggers, and eventually an antidote!

Some days I wonder what I have gotten myself into—especially with health concerns that are exacerbated by the physical and mental energy required to contain an excited dog. I remind myself that everyday there are improvements in the balance of home and dog—she is a very quick learner. There is also the reminder of the rich reward of relationship that we experienced with our previous dog. And hopefully there will also be the personal reward of tapping into my calm and assertive self.

It also helps to have understanding neighbours who walk past our place with their own dogs. Maybe in the very near future, I will be able to write about the success of our attempts to socialize this very excitable dog. In the meantime, I will have to discover ways to replenish my depleted energy resources—both mentally and physically—as well as manage those anxieties that surface.

May your day have moments of resurgence to counter the drains on your own inner resources.

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