Posted on Mar 20, 2018
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
~ Haruki Murakami
It’s been a stormy couple of weeks…with a lot to process. The purpose of processing? To learn the lessons presented by the various challenges. I’ve discovered that I function on auto-pilot much of the time; especially when it comes to interacting with people. And then my brain analyzes those interactions on a continual playback loop, like a mental video on repeat. Takes a bit of effort to stop that playbook loop at times. Particularly if it’s a confusing situation or involves a power imbalance. This time I had to slow the loop right down rather than force an abrupt stop.
I don’t respond well when intimidated—even less so when it is intentional intimidation—such as when someone is condescending and supercilious. We all know those scenarios when someone tries to put us in our place or make us feel at a disadvantage. My latest experience with a “power broker” prompted much analysis. No matter what I tried to stop the obsessive thinking, my loop kept playing until I figured out the lesson: I need to honour my gut instinct and intuition. What I “sense” is as important as what I taste, see, smell, touch, and hear. Like most sensitive people and empaths, I grew up with the messages that I was reading into things, being over-sensitive/-reactive, needing to give the benefit of the doubt. In sum, to second guess and not trust mySelf; which leads to putting myself in harm’s way, be taken advantage of, take one on the chin.
I have learned to minimize and doubt what I sense or intuit without even thinking about it. I may get defensive without understanding why; and thus react reflexively because I haven’t process the incoming “sensed” data. Conversations can become confusing and veer off in unexpected directions. Leaving me distressed and uncomfortable. To add to the misery, even that sensation gets minimized automatically. And then the constant playback loop starts because I screwed up somehow and need to figure it out to protect myself from potential future interaction failures.
So. While I am confused and obsessing, I have to defy my auto-pilot—fumbling for the override switch while in crisis mode. It is one thing to be mindful and present when in a calm state (such as part of daily routine), or in slightly elevated states (like waiting in line or for an appointment); but it is quite another thing to be mindful when under duress—as the brain and body has a finely-tuned coping response that is engaged subconsciously. I am still learning how to override the “stress auto-pilot.” Basically, it is a version of “freeze mode”—or playing dead. I don’t tend to fight or flee when stressed. I shut down. I turn inward. I assume I am doing (or being) something wrong.
Hence, I need to keep retraining my brain. Prompting my amygdala to rely on a fourth option instead of fight, flight, or freeze. I have to find that override switch before I encounter perceived threats. So that when my amygdala fires up and engages the engine light of my brain, I am ready to read the incoming data. Data that is nearly imperceptible: the tone of voice, choice of words, eye movement, gestures, energy shifts, a “sense.” If I feel uncomfortable, I need to pay attention. Acknowledge the sensation. Take it seriously, for what it is. If I sense something is off, it is off. Then I can choose what to do next. I don’t have to wait for the conversation to end or attempt to anticipate the next move. I can acknowledge this isn’t working for me and ask myself what to do/say next without being rude, aggressive, or defensive. Sometimes it is as simple as making a mental adjustment without any obvious outward change.
I have such a long way to go in reclaiming my power. I am so conditioned to giving up my power for the greater good, to keep the peace, that I fail to own it before routinely relinquishing it. I need to own who I am and my complete sensory intake. Once I can be mindful of every experience, I can move on to speaking up about what I perceive. Tactfully, of course. That will take much more practice and likely an increase of obsessive playback loops analyzing my every thought and action. But I will get there.
I have many more storms to brave yet. For that’s what life really is all about, isn’t it? Learning how to journey through storms. We certainly can’t avoid them—as much as we waste energy trying to do just that. Life is all about the storms with the odd break in the weather. And my storm detection equipment needs tweaking—not to avoid them, but to prepare more effectively.
I will keep meeting challenges, learning the lessons, and practicing the skills. In the words of Louisa May Alcott,
“I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.”
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Posted on Feb 16, 2018
February. Valentine’s is past. Sadly, sometimes as troubling for people as the Christmas/Holiday season. And it all depends what we focus on. For me, two issues that have surfaced are my risk of becoming a recluse, prompting agoraphobia (fear of leaving the home) and/or social phobia (fear of interacting with people); and feeling like a misfit.
Becoming a recluse is troubling. Feeling a misfit is distressing, causing deep anguish. And because I feel like a misfit, I “turtle”—yep, hideaway like a hermit. Do we see the vicious circle here?
To add insult to injury (so-to-speak), my counselling practice isn’t building like it did in Didsbury. The usual networking channels are not fruitful like they were in Alberta. Yep, you guessed it—feeling like a misfit, wanting to hideaway. Being a hermit, though, has yet to be a financially viable career choice. I suppose the need to earn money is good for my mental health!
Being a recluse isn’t a new challenge for me to face. And usually my work is a sufficient antidote. Social engagement has never been easy for me. I loathe crowded situations, group conversations, noisy environments, and small talk. Private one-on-one conversations are best for me. And counselling provides meaningful conversations with minimal small talk. Very rewarding work for an empathic, compassionate, introvert.
I have never “played well with others.” Good thing that wasn’t the primary basis for school report cards; because I would have failed miserably! I can only imagine what extroverts and “other-learners” experience when they constantly fail at academics but excel in other “non-report-card” ways. Well, they probably feel a lot like I do socially: a misfit, a square peg in a round hole.
Some people, fortunately, emerge from being a “misfit” as a marvelous butterfly, fully embracing their unique way of being the world. Others, like me, either develop mental illness or due to mental illness, experience deep anguish and meander through the maze of life with a mistaken identity. And create a self-fulfilling prophecy of not fitting in based upon experience. Another vicious cycle.
I tapped into this deep anguish recently, triggered of all things, by job searching on an employment website. There was nothing that suited my particular limitations and strengths. I felt absolutely useless and hopeless. Plus given my unique circumstances, I fall between the cracks for financial aid options. So what did I do? Spiral downward, of course. Not just a hiccup of negative thinking. Nope, full blown despair (ugly cry and all). The “tap” analogy is quite fitting: it felt like someone had untapped a well-corked source of pain. Once released, there was no turning off that faucet until the well ran dry.
Finally my body could release the belief and pain of not fitting in since early childhood. I can end the self-fulfilling prophecy/vicious cycle by focusing on my unique place in the world. As someone pointed out to me recently, it doesn’t have anything to with pegs or holes, but rather sprinkling fairy dust over the whole thing. And in so doing, I will find other like-minded fairies —the unicorns of “fitting in.” We do exist, you know. You may have to patiently watch for us and wait for us to approach; but we are there, quietly doing our thing.
I have yet to discover if being a fairy/unicorn is more financially viable that being a hermit; but it can’t hurt to try! At any rate, it is much better for my mental health. Yes, I see the irony in referencing fairies and unicorns as proper mental hygiene. But sometimes it is good to think outside the box. We can’t all “go with the flow.” Some of us need to be elusive unicorns, just to keep everything in perspective.
Wishing you all good mental hygiene, keeping everything in perspective. Sometimes the things that go bump in the night are leaving behind sweet dreams of better things yet to come. Even if we have to believe in fairies to make it come true.
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Posted on Jan 23, 2018
New year. New you. How often do we hear versions of that throughout the month of January? We are actually self-sabotaging our self-improvement efforts when we force New Year’s resolutions upon ourselves. Primarily because it is the wrong time of year for making big change. In reality, spring and fall are the seasons for change. We set ourselves up for success when we consider when we make change as well as what we want to change.
Instead of resolution, I think January is a better time for reflection. With proper reflection, we can make well-thought-out changes when the time is right. And when we are ready to make change, we will have the resolve to follow through.
January is a good time to reflect back on the past year to consider what went well, what didn’t go well, what could use tweaking, and what needs to be left alone. It’s also an opportunity to let go. Let go of what didn’t work and all the associated emotions. Let go of last year’s disappointments. Focus on what could be better this year.
And we really do have to embrace the serenity prayer as it is commonly known:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
~ Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)
When we reflect upon the past year and consider what might be ahead, we do have to acknowledge that there are things that cannot be changed, as well as what kind of courage it will take to embrace change.
And often, we are easily overwhelmed by the thought of making change. We see the effort required, and think we don’t have the energy, time, or motivation. Dig deeper and we might see that we do not believe we are worth the effort to make necessary changes. Sometimes we stay stuck because we are stuck in our thinking or have unrealistic expectations of ourselves or others.
A time of reflection is very necessary to follow through on resolutions. When we resolve to do something, we need to know what is truly achievable at this time. We need to build upon small successes to see a big dream come to fruition. It doesn’t happen with one leap, single decision, or overnight. If we are changing habits, we need to be able to address the thinking that started the bad habit in the first place. Note to self: comfort eating. Am I worth the effort of choosing more effective ways of handling emotions or self-soothing? And maybe I’ll start with reducing how much I eat compulsively rather than omitting all comfort food.
I need to know why I am aiming for change in order to ensure success. If I am making change for someone else’s reasons (i.e. latest fitness or food trend), I won’t be motivated to see it through. It’s not realistic for me to work out a gym, but I can take a 20 minute walk every day. What do I enjoy? What can I enhance? What works with who I am as person? How do I want to live the gift of my life?
That really is the question: how do I want to live the gift of my life? I only get once chance. Do I want to spend the gift of my life to meet the expectations of others? Or do I want to live out the gift of my life honouring the very gift itself? What is the gift of…”me”? Only I am responsible for “me”—what do I want that to look like? How do I want to express what makes me “me”?
So, if I can challenge you this new year, take some time for quiet reflection before making any changes in 2018. Be sure you know what you want to change, what you want to change to, and what it will take to change. And during this quiet time of reflection, make sure to also take note of what went well and what you want to carry forward into 2018.
Only you can be you. This isn’t about adhering to a belief system, living up to standards or expectations, achieving resolutions. This is about knowing who you are. The gift of being you. How can you be “you” this year? Take time for quiet reflection to discover who you “naturally” are, what about your life is consistent with who you are, and what isn’t. Sometimes following someone else’s “good” or “right” is in fact harmful to your very Be-ing. Be sure to ask (and answer — with kindness and compassion) the question, “Who am I?” before resolving to make change this year. You might discover your initial resolutions are not what’s most needed for your Be-ing.
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