Posted on Aug 6, 2018
Life is “funny,” ain’t it? I was full of ideas for my July blog. And then I hit a slump. Not writer’s block. A full blown bout of depression. What I usually refer to as a low. And at its lowest, hung on for a few days. Try as I might, I couldn’t shake it; nor could I reach its source.
Forcing myself through the usual coping strategies, the best I could ascertain was the link between powerless and depression. Being “in limbo” in my life—strung between yet-to-be severed connections to my old life and yet-to-be-made breakthroughs into my new life—keeps me stuck—and feeling powerless to move forward. I cannot control the past connections anymore than I can force things to go my way for my future. I hate that feeling. More accurately, I hate waiting. I must wait to deal with my past. And I must wait for things to fall into place for my future. I can control neither. I must be patient. And I must trust. Not my strong suits.
In a nutshell, I am once again faced with my old “demons” of never feeling/having safety, security, or stability in my life. I must provide it for myself; and when my efforts are thwarted, hang on to Trust that things will come together to carry me through. I think facing my fears of once again living on my own were a walk in the park compared to having to trust.
In my past life, I had hard-earned financial stability—but it came with strings attached—so it didn’t feel so secure to me. And being well-acquainted with the rickety low-income lifestyle since childhood, financial security is not something I readily rely upon. Add to that, between external criticism and my inner critic, I have struggled with insecurity issues my entire life. Professionally, it took many years (nearly a decade) to gain confidence in my innate and acquired abilities. Personally, it has taken even more effort, time, and courage to trust my closest friends, and to lean on those friendships to get me through my most challenging moments.
So when I am faced with situations that require waiting, my anxiety and depression flare up. Yes, I have control issues. Which are always based in anxiety. And I am well aware I am in good company with other self-professed “Control Freaks.” We have a low (or no) tolerance for uncertainty, the unknown. We like to have our ducks in a row so that we can prepare for any eventuality. Essentially, anxiety and control are ways we try to prevent bad things from happening. But we can’t. Shit happens no matter what. Life throws us curve balls regardless of how well-prepared we think we are to handle any eventuality.
Yet again I am faced with letting go of the angst…and to trust. Trust that the Universe won’t abandon me. Ooh, that’s a tough one. Trust that I am only responsible for one day at a time. Sometimes one moment at a time. Trust that I won’t end up penniless or homeless. Trust that any challenge also comes with a solution.
It was back to the basics for me. Remembering what I do have power over versus the powerless of not being able to control outcomes. Plus a reality check of my worst case scenarios and my anxieties (biggest one: not being able to live within my meager means). Fortunately I have solid folks who help with the reality check—reminding me that for this month, everything is taken care of. No need to worry about next month; it will take care of itself. But my obsession with independence sometimes trips me up. I want to be self-sufficient without any loose ends. I don’t want to depend upon others—and that being the back-up plan never sits right with me. At its core, my need for control is my fear of rejection/abandonment/betrayal. Trust opens me up to the risk of others failing to be there for me. I hyper focus on sufficiency—just in case things go sideways—which means I don’t leave room for things to work out with supports that are already in place. I fail to live in the moment.
I have a tendency of spending too much time in my past trying to figure things out, or in the unforeseen future, trying to prevent or prepare for the worst. In accepting that risk, I must make a conscious choice to live in the present. Sometimes reeling myself all the way in, to this very moment—not just the day, the week, the month, or the year—by practicing mindfulness. Paying attention to my surroundings and my thoughts without judgment or analysis. Not easy for a supremely analytical brain that earns a living by connecting the dots for other people.
Sometimes I have to accept that there are dots that have yet to connect. And trust that they will connect on their own, all in good time. Oddly enough, the antidotes to my anxiety and depression lie in the acceptance of my limitations: Trust. Patience. Hope. All of which have no limits.
Read More
Posted on Jun 18, 2018
This month’s blog started percolating at the end of May after watching the movie, “Hector and the Search for Happiness” which came highly recommended by my well-knowing sister. Much of what follows comes directly from my journal entry.
In a nutshell, the movie is an adult version of the children’s animated film about emotions, “Inside Out.” They are all equally important. And underneath it all is connection/bonding. Most powerfully for me is the sense of being truly known by someone—in this case, my younger sister. That is true connection. To know and be known. That is love. Albeit there are the bits about chemistry and working at it—but at its core: Love is about being known—being seen and appreciated for who we are—our essence. Not what we accomplish, or what we can do for others.
Just be-ing.
The King James biblical turn of phrase for sex “and he knew his wife” just took on a whole new meaning. [I’m usually not one to quote scripture randomly; but for those curious about what I’m talking about see Genesis 4:1—“And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain…”] Now if only it were true—but highly unlikely given the patriarchal context; however, it does allude to the deeper meaning of intimacy: to know and be known.
Like any of us, I have experience with both superficial relationships as well as the deep knowing of another. Hector’s search for happiness illuminated some of the differences. The primary realization for me was that we cannot know/love others until we know ourselves.
Hectar had to go on this incredible geographical and emotional journey to discover himself in order to give himself to his work and to Clara, his romantic partner. Until that point, they were both going through the motions—neither one feeling known/seen by the other. Until I know who I am, I cannot truly know others. I won’t be able to relate to their experiences (listening is loving) if I do not understand my own.
If I honour my Light, it casts a glow for others to see their own Lights. Living in shadow does not serve anyone. We must know ourselves in order to know others. Which reminds me, I have a lot of unfinished business in the sense of finalizing my relationship status: single/divorced/ previously married. I really do not want to deal with my ex; but in order to freely move on, as my life appears to be doing, I need to completely cut that chord and walk un-tethered into my Light.
While my new life is far from perfect, I no longer feel trapped. My life is my own. There is happiness in freedom. I want to follow Hectar’s lead and jot down the lessons he jots down as he journeys along. It really comes down to ownership. Owning your life; and if it isn’t what you want, what is to be done about it?? To quote a line from the movie: “Courage Hectar!” [Inside joke with myself. I will give you the opportunity to watch the movie for you to join me.]
We live in a culture and country of opportunities. Yet we entrap ourselves by dogma and internalized messages. Breaking barriers—especially those of our own making or choosing—might be the hardest thing we have to do: Claiming our liberty to live well and help others. Self-liberation. Often misconstrued as bullying and/or dominating others—to have freedom is to take it from others. How sad. How limiting.
True freedom is the freedom to love. I’ll say it again: True freedom is the freedom to love. Some define freedom as the right to self-govern—to come out from under the weight of oppression and domination. At its core, that remains to love (to know self and others). Even the indigenous cultures of this great country require the freedom to love—to know and be known. We have tried to strip the people of self-knowledge which has effectively crippled them. They are struggling valiantly to right that wrong. That is a little side tangent, but dovetails with my realization of the critical importance of knowing and being known.
If we wait for others to know us and grant approval for our existence, then we spin our wheels always externalizing our Light. If we dominate others convinced that is the way to keep on top of the proverbial dog pile, we limit both ourselves and others—and again externalize our value to having others around to belittle. If we know ourselves and live out of our own unique Light, then others can do the same. And what a brighter world that would be. I can only imagine the kaleidoscope of colours!
Take courage! Shine on! Add to this world’s beauty: refract instead of retracting the Light.
Read More
Posted on May 14, 2018
I meant to write a blog entry for April; but somehow the month got away from me. Maybe it had something to do with adopting a 7-month-old puppy from a rescue 3 hours from where I live. I have never had a puppy before: albeit a more mature one. In the past, I have adopted 2-year-old dogs. Ones that are house trained and have basic obedience training. However, both adult dogs adopted previously had to attend obedience classes. In reality, they are training the humans more than the canines. And over time, it really does feel like the dogs train their humans to a certain degree. Maybe it’s joint effort or negotiating a compromise.
Beyond reciprocal training, dogs are great teachers. I have learned so many life lessons from being a “pet parent.” They are also invaluable companions offering comfort and solace in times of need. Not to mention exercise trainers and lovers of structure and routine as well as playmates. No such thing as all work and no play in the canine world!
I have only had my new love, Abbie, for a couple weeks; and she has already fulfilled all of the above. In fact, 3 important lessons happened within the first day! Amazing how organizing for a new pet can teach one about taking ownership for oneself. It all started with choosing how to spell her name: Abbie or Abby. I was strangely conflicted, wanting the input of others on how I spelled the name of my dog. I limited myself to consulting my sister–whom, by the way, chose Abby. Instead, I paid attention to what was going on for me–and the fact that I was leaning towards Abbie. I had to own my preference and not rely on common consent. I suspect it is rooted in my fear of judgment and criticism; but I didn’t dig that deeply. I focused on making my own decision. And I chose Abbie.
Which brings me to my next ownership lesson. It was a bit of an impromptu/impulse decision. Not my forté. I tend to over-think things and second guess myself–and yes, obsess about even basic decisions. I had to curb those tendencies and go with my gut given that I can talk myself in or out of almost anything. It was neither easy nor hard to do: more of a decision to make a decision–and follow through. And trusting serendipity.
The third lesson happened on the 3-hour drive there and back (total 6 hours). This was me pursuing something I wanted for me and my future. It also forced me to look back as I passed through familiar territory from my young adulthood; as my journey took me to where I lived for a year after high school and is also along the route I travelled numerous times to and from college in Saskatchewan. It gave me an interesting perspective of how far I have come in life as well as coming full circle. I have reclaimed my former independent streak but with the benefit of decades of life experience. It was almost a symbolic gesture of reclaiming my power. In an ironic twist, I never had a sense of personal power to accompany my independent spirit. I am a study of contrasts.
So without even trying, Abbie has taught me a lot already. As an added bonus, she is really quick and learns commands and boundaries almost effortlessly. Well, for the most part. There are a few kinks to work out yet. Equally important, her energy and exuberance for life are infectious. She pushes me beyond my comfort zones (physically and psychologically). As I gain confidence, so does she. We are a well-matched team. A dream come true. Her loving nature and openness also creates a sense of safety. She definitely isn’t like either of my previous rescues as she doesn’t have behaviour issues to untrain. She is a unique experience and one I gladly embrace.
Read More
