Posted on Jan 15, 2013
So, I’ve decided to start this year’s blogging with an entry about intimacy—of which, a vital part is sex. Not sure what I want to say, but the idea sprouted from a phrase I found myself repeating in sessions last year and from some of the reading I have done recently, and not so recently.
In one of those broad over-generalizations, it could be said that women need emotional connection for sex, and men need sex for emotional connection. This can create quite a disappointing and disruptive circle. Men feeling personally rejected when turned down for sex are not so inclined to connect emotionally with their partners. For many men, the lack of sex breaks the connection. And women, not getting the emotional connection, are less interested in sex and at a loss how to reconnect. One of those conundrums of life. So how does a couple break this pattern?
For starters, a conversation is in order. For some reason, in this Western culture, men and women do not talk about having sex with each other. Which may also be the case in same-sex couples. There is a cultural assumption that sex will ‘just happen.’ That each partner will ‘just know’ what the other wants or needs. The other term for this is ‘mind reading.’ I have yet to meet a couple who are adept at this. They are also often surprised when I suggest they have a conversation about sex (at home, in private—not necessarily in my office).
There are several factors to consider when it comes to sex. A critical one is difference in libido levels. Having a conversation about this can go a long way in negotiating mutually satisfying sexual encounters.
The partner with the lower sex drive needs to consider what sex means to their higher libido partner. And the partner with the higher sex drives needs to hear what the lower libido partner needs in order to ‘get in the mood.’ If it means help with the dishes, then help with the dishes. What a better way to flirt with each other than over a sudsy sink of dirty dishes! This one-on-one time can also enhance emotional connection as it provides an opportunity to check in with each other—give each other a few moments of undivided attention—provided the kids and/or pets don’t interrupt a thousand times.
Doing a chore together can also be an opportunity to have a conversation about what makes your partner feel loved. You might be surprised by what you hear. The simplest things in life can make the biggest impact. The key to this conversation is being specific. A generic statement such as ‘when you’re nice to me’ doesn’t give your partner much to work with. And if you cannot answer that question, be willing to experiment! Come up with a game plan to try different ways to say “I love you. You are important to me,” and see what works and what falls flat. You might find that just having these conversations are enough to kick start the emotional connection that is so central to intimacy.
In this culture, we often get confused by what it means to treasure the ones we love. Connection is the treasure. Not the other person. Although something can be said for being/ feeling treasured, that isn’t going to come about in healthy ways without connection. If the focus is on being treated as a treasure, then we cease to be human beings and become objects. In the process of treasuring the connection, both partners will feel treasured. Feeling treasured comes about by protecting and nurturing the shared connection. Now that’s a circle that can be fulfilling and sustaining.
Author, Kelly McDaniel, makes a great statement in her book Ready to Heal: “Sex, like food, is meant to be sustaining and nourishing. Eating and making love are also both designed for pleasure” (2012, p. 89). Sometimes in the demands of the daily grind, we forget (or we never learned) that we are multifaceted creatures—including sexuality. In therapeutic terms, we are bio-psycho-social-spiritual-sexual beings. Having a sexual awareness of ourselves is critical to being able to ask for what we need from our partners. Or what that means when we are without a partner.
Of course, a lot more can be said about sex and sexuality. This is just an introduction to some ideas. As you continue on your journey, may you become aware and accepting of who you are in all the intricate ways of being human.
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Posted on Dec 21, 2012
“It is as if nature pauses to take a moment of silence,
softly wishing for peace on earth.”
~unknown
Once again it is time to consider the end of one year and the approach of another, to celebrate the lengthening of days and dream about spring’s coming arrival.
And in amongst those ponderings is the flurry of activity that usually accompanies this time of year.
It is a time of feasting and fellowship, friends and family, laughter and tears. There is no segment of our lives that is untouched by sorrow. Fortunately, the opposite is also true. Happiness and contentment can find us at any moment.
As you face the close of 2012 and prepare for 2013, may it be with hope and peace. May healing and wellness be just around the next corner wherever our journeys take us.
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Posted on Nov 16, 2012
So what to write about this month? What have I been working on recently? Well, being married, there’s always relationship stuff going on. Being a therapist, issues are raised on a near daily basis that can have a personal affect on me. The last book I read was about narcissism. Before that, the 2nd edition of Motherless Daughters. And before that, The Hobbit.
My notes after reading The Hobbit indicate the themes that stuck out for me were harrowing adventures and friendships. As I think back to that book, what strikes me is the unlikelihood of the friendships that developed. Under normal circumstances, the hobbit the book is named for and the companions he has adventures with (dwarfs) would not normally take a long journey together. But with the guidance of the wizard Gandolf, not only did friendships flourish between unlikely characters, but also new acquaintances were made who eventually helped each other out at significant moments.
As well, not only does the hobbit learn more about himself throughout his journey; but he also learns more about the creatures beyond the safety and security of his home base. Some creatures are dangerous and to be avoided if at all possible; others are friendly and necessary alliances to successfully navigate the rigors of their journey. And of course, some appear dangerous but end up in the friendly alliance category.
I’m sure we can all think of people that fit these categories that we have encountered on our journeys through life. Some making a greater impact than others—either positive or negative—shaping how our journey goes along. Some making it safer, others adding to the danger.
My re-reading of Motherless Daughters actually fits with this theme as well. A note I made about that book was that my mother’s life, as well as her death, has influenced who I have become. Her presence, as well as her absence, has impacted my journey: the adventures I have faced; the friendships developed, broken, or avoided; decisions made; paths not taken. I have on occasion wondered what my life would be like had my birth mother not died. Where would I have grown up? What schools would I have attended? What would I believe about myself? Would I have different friends, a different husband? The possibilities are endless. And really, all the mulling returns to where I am and how my journey has actually meandered along. The paths that were taken, the friendships made, locations visited, places lived.
Even the book about narcissism can find its way into this theme. As we journey along and encounter various people and adventures, we, at times, have to learn new skills to navigate better. We are all somewhere along the spectrum of narcissism—from healthy self-awareness to damaging unawareness of our true selves. This also means we daily encounter people somewhere on this spectrum. And the more damaging the unawareness, the more difficult the interpersonal relationships. If we cannot view ourselves or others in healthy terms, we cannot interact in healthy ways.
So what have you been reading lately? How has it affected your view of the world, relationships, your journey through life?
May your adventures on your journey add to your character, your relationships, and your outlook.
Happy travels.
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Posted on Oct 17, 2012
This has been quite the summer and fall in Alberta. Glorious warm days alternated with typical cool ones. The leaves are nearing the finish of their fall resplendence. Soon, there will be naked trees awaiting a blanket of snow. It will be gray and bleary for a while before the sparkle of snow blinds our vision on those winter days of luminous sunshine.
Once again, it is a time of transition. Not only is the weather preparing us for yet another season, but fall schedules and programming are underway. Gone are the glory days of summer. It is back to work or school or whatever it is that marks the change of season in our individual lives.
And as promised, I am ready to give an update on this transition phase in our lives with our new dog. I am happy to report that anxiety levels are definitely on the decline—for both human and canine. For some reason, I am pleasantly surprised that I was able to find my calm and assertive self. My inner Alpha has surfaced.
By all means, the transition phase is far from over. Elsa’s anxieties, while reduced, are nowhere near obliterated. There remains a lot of work ahead of us to maintain pack leader status and a balanced environment. Just when we think we are making headway, the boundaries are tested once again. However, it is requiring less and less energy to re-establish tested boundaries. There is improvement even in the midst of regression.
Good for me to note on a daily basis. I can wallow in frustration and discouragement, or I can remind myself of how much better it is than back in July. Really, there is remarkable improvement in just over 3 months. And even though there are rounds and rounds of behaviour modification, there is also the sweet reward of a sensitive and faithful companion—who “just knows” when we are sad and could use an extra snuggle or tears licked away.
Improvement in the midst of regression. Reward in the middle of an uphill battle. The spiral affect we all face. Just as we clear an upward swing, there follows the accompanying downward spiral. Back up we climb, only to slide back a bit. And on it goes—slowly inching our way upward, forward. Learning as we go.
With each correction Elsa receives, my confidence grows. With each loving lick, my heart is rewarded. And so we continue to spiral along. Each on our own spiral of personal growth, yet intertwined, learning from each other.
May you encounter moments of growth and reward with each passing spiral of your day.
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Posted on Sep 25, 2012
Life is good, but bad things happen. Bad things happen, but life is good. Been turning that phrase around in my head for a few days now.
Usually, I think in terms of ‘Bad things happen, but life goes on.’ Life is hard. Life is painful. A defeatist attitude, really, when I think about it. However, the phrase ‘bad things happen, but life is good’ smells strongly of that oft spoken cliché: Count your blessings. Difficult to do when faced with tough decisions, loss, or any number of life altering scenarios. Counting one’s blessings, while it does have its place in life—namely an attitude of gratitude, can have an invalidating or minimizing effect upon suffering. Life is hard. Life is painful. But life is also good.
However, my thoughts have strayed from the basic ‘count my blessings’ approach albeit that may have been the starting line. By looking at the broader picture, I have come to realize that Life, in itself, is good—regardless of circumstances—or even blessings. Life—the lungs breathing in and out, the heart pumping blood through arteries and veins—is nothing short of miraculous. Without those two actions, there is no Life. Without conception, gestation, and a successful birth, there is no Life. All processes beyond our control—notwithstanding our efforts to influence them.
While some days it may not feel like it, the ability to interact, make decisions, leave our mark on this world, renders life good. It is rather amazing that we get to breathe in and out as well as participate in Life as much as we choose to do so—and how we choose to do so.
Which brings me back to me back to my original statement. Life is good, but bad things happen. Life is hard. Life is painful. But Life, itself, is good.
So how will you celebrate the goodness of Life today, in amongst the pain and sufferings of daily life?
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Posted on Aug 14, 2012
I am currently reading a book about trauma recovery called The Body Remembers by Babette Rothschild (2000). While it is fascinating reading for myself, it certainly wouldn’t be for everyone. However, something I read just the other day has intrigued me and might be of interest for you as well.
When we talk of emotions, we tend to focus on the ‘negative’ ones such as sadness, anxiety, fear, grief. And sometimes when we get stuck in one of those states, we need to remind ourselves that said emotion will not last forever. When we feel stuck in sadness and are concerned about dipping into a depression, it can be helpful to remind ourselves that the sadness will not be permanent, it will pass. Sometimes all it takes is a good night’s rest or a proper meal. When we feel our anxieties rising, about to spiral out of control, we can remind ourselves that the anxiety attack will not overtake us, it too will pass. We may need to remind ourselves that we can handle a particular situation or that we are actually safe or can take safety measures.
What was new for me to consider was that no emotional state lasts forever—positive or negative. This would apply to positive emotions such as happiness, surprise, excitement, anticipation. In trauma recovery, this is important for survivors who have difficulty tolerating positive emotions as they can feel (be experienced in the body) similar to negative ones with accelerated heart rate and rapid breathing. The differentiating sensation will be body temperature—with ‘negative’ emotions, our body temperature drops whereas positive ones elicit a rise (p. 96).
We all have to learn to identify our emotions—for most it happens as we develop as children, for some it becomes necessary to acquire this skill in adulthood. Knowing how we experience emotions in our bodies is a key part of this skill. Tolerating these sensations is another aspect. And evidently knowing that none of these emotive states will last for long can help increase tolerance levels.
What intrigued me was not addressed in the book, but an idea that surfaced as I thought about happiness tolerance levels. So much of our lives are spent in the pursuit of happiness—or more likely, pleasure. It is an intrinsic value of our Western culture; whereas other cultures are more focused on family or daily survival. Obviously family and survival can contribute to happiness and pleasure. What intrigued me was our focus on happiness—which as an emotive state is fleeting in and of itself. We are constantly striving for something that is not naturally a stable state of being. We assume we are ‘supposed’ to be happy, and anything else is unacceptable. We bemoan ‘negative’ states of being and promote positive ones—when both are a natural part of life and neither lasts forever. Emotional states ebb and flow.
So what of longer lasting conditions such as depression, prolonged grief, chronic anxiety? While the same premise still applies (emotional states ebb and flow), we do sometimes find ourselves stuck in either an ebb or a flow. Depending on the person, that sometimes means medication to remind the mind and body how to function. For others, it requires a conscious choice to get help by other means (such as therapy, meditation, or better self-care with exercise, sleep, and nutrition) to help the mind and body get back into the natural ebb and flow once again.
Of course there are many layers to this premise that can be explored—such as what we do with our ebbs and flows of emotions. Even as I write this, my mood has improved by listening to upbeat music while a nasty storm slowly abates outside. The grey skies are gradually brightening, and I know the sun will shine once again. Just like the weather, there is one thing I can count on: my emotions are constantly in flux. What I choose to do with them is as important as that they exist—in their entire range—from ignoring them to appreciating and learning from them.
May you benefit from a full range of emotion—appreciating what you can experience and learn from each one.
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