Posted on Jan 15, 2013
So, I’ve decided to start this year’s blogging with an entry about intimacy—of which, a vital part is sex. Not sure what I want to say, but the idea sprouted from a phrase I found myself repeating in sessions last year and from some of the reading I have done recently, and not so recently.
In one of those broad over-generalizations, it could be said that women need emotional connection for sex, and men need sex for emotional connection. This can create quite a disappointing and disruptive circle. Men feeling personally rejected when turned down for sex are not so inclined to connect emotionally with their partners. For many men, the lack of sex breaks the connection. And women, not getting the emotional connection, are less interested in sex and at a loss how to reconnect. One of those conundrums of life. So how does a couple break this pattern?
For starters, a conversation is in order. For some reason, in this Western culture, men and women do not talk about having sex with each other. Which may also be the case in same-sex couples. There is a cultural assumption that sex will ‘just happen.’ That each partner will ‘just know’ what the other wants or needs. The other term for this is ‘mind reading.’ I have yet to meet a couple who are adept at this. They are also often surprised when I suggest they have a conversation about sex (at home, in private—not necessarily in my office).
There are several factors to consider when it comes to sex. A critical one is difference in libido levels. Having a conversation about this can go a long way in negotiating mutually satisfying sexual encounters.
The partner with the lower sex drive needs to consider what sex means to their higher libido partner. And the partner with the higher sex drives needs to hear what the lower libido partner needs in order to ‘get in the mood.’ If it means help with the dishes, then help with the dishes. What a better way to flirt with each other than over a sudsy sink of dirty dishes! This one-on-one time can also enhance emotional connection as it provides an opportunity to check in with each other—give each other a few moments of undivided attention—provided the kids and/or pets don’t interrupt a thousand times.
Doing a chore together can also be an opportunity to have a conversation about what makes your partner feel loved. You might be surprised by what you hear. The simplest things in life can make the biggest impact. The key to this conversation is being specific. A generic statement such as ‘when you’re nice to me’ doesn’t give your partner much to work with. And if you cannot answer that question, be willing to experiment! Come up with a game plan to try different ways to say “I love you. You are important to me,” and see what works and what falls flat. You might find that just having these conversations are enough to kick start the emotional connection that is so central to intimacy.
In this culture, we often get confused by what it means to treasure the ones we love. Connection is the treasure. Not the other person. Although something can be said for being/ feeling treasured, that isn’t going to come about in healthy ways without connection. If the focus is on being treated as a treasure, then we cease to be human beings and become objects. In the process of treasuring the connection, both partners will feel treasured. Feeling treasured comes about by protecting and nurturing the shared connection. Now that’s a circle that can be fulfilling and sustaining.
Author, Kelly McDaniel, makes a great statement in her book Ready to Heal: “Sex, like food, is meant to be sustaining and nourishing. Eating and making love are also both designed for pleasure” (2012, p. 89). Sometimes in the demands of the daily grind, we forget (or we never learned) that we are multifaceted creatures—including sexuality. In therapeutic terms, we are bio-psycho-social-spiritual-sexual beings. Having a sexual awareness of ourselves is critical to being able to ask for what we need from our partners. Or what that means when we are without a partner.
Of course, a lot more can be said about sex and sexuality. This is just an introduction to some ideas. As you continue on your journey, may you become aware and accepting of who you are in all the intricate ways of being human.
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Posted on May 16, 2012
Not so long ago I had the pleasure of watching the movie Rango. And was struck by the need for a sense of community in order to thrive.
It used to be that families (and large extended families) provided that place of purpose, of belonging, where you fit in. In our current Western culture, families have become fragmented rather than cohesive. Now our sense of community tends to come from circles of friends, church, sports teams, hobby groups, work associations. While sometimes we are fortunate and truly do have a sense of community–of belonging–in these places, often times they are simply activities that fill up our days and weeks—not necessarily ourselves.
In the movie, the character Rango doesn’t ‘come into his own’ until he saves the day for the community of which he has become a part. Come to think of it, the plot very much follows the ‘hero’s quest’ formula. The hero has a personal struggle to overcome to see what he is really made of. Only then can a difference be made for the whole group as well as the individuals.
With my own learning experience regarding ‘being there,’ this sense of community has come back to roost in my mind a few times. Those of us who have been hurt during our formative years sometimes have a harder time engaging with other people. We have come to understand in the core of our being that this is just not safe. Interacting with people invariably leads to pain of some sort. How sad that this is true for so many.
I have recently embarked on a journey of my own to seek out community—a place of belonging. While there are many factors at play—including my introverted personality—it has been a stretching (and dare I say it, healing) experience for me. It has also been agonizing. Yes, pain has also been a part of this journey. Sometimes I wonder how things would be different if I hadn’t stepped out of my comfort zone of introversion and isolation a time or two. Would I feel safer? Less exposed? Less pain? Likely yes to all of those. But I also would not have known the beauty of others ‘being there’ for me. Comforting me in my sorrow. Sharing in my confusion. Commiserating with my suffering.
I have a ways to go yet. Some days are definitely more difficult than others. Some are more isolating than others. Will I morph into an extrovert who wants to be around people all the time? Hardly. I still need my solitude to recharge and regroup. However, I am learning that sometimes it is worth taking risks. Usually an agonizing decision process to take the risk, but in the end, no critical harm has befallen me so far. Some mental anguish maybe, but that is usually of my own doing, my own thought processes messing with me.
Have I found my community—my place of belonging? No yet. But as I search—and keep myself open to engaging with other people—I have hope that maybe one day I will. In the meantime, I have cultivated some amazing friendships and gotten to know people better I otherwise would have let pass by. And that would be a crying shame. There are wonderful people out there. Just takes a bit of savvy as well as openness to find them.
May your heart and mind be open to connections that might otherwise be missed, expanding your sense of belonging, so that you can truly flourish.
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Posted on Dec 15, 2011
Christmas is weird. What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?
~ Crabby Road
Christmas is a time of mixed emotions for many people. The season can be associated with pain and suffering as well as joy and good cheer. Some years can be filled with more of one than another. Our hopes and expectations can be dashed with a single phone call or a misspoken word—or can be exceeded beyond measure by a gesture—grand or small.
Christmas can also be a time when feuds are set aside for at least a day to celebrate whatever it is this time of year means for people: family, good food, gift exchanges, caroling, Saint Nick to Santa Claus, the Nativity Story. The list is endless of what Christmas signifies to people as well as the symbols that surround that meaning.
Symbols both generate their own significance as well as contribute to a grander meaning. Symbols also change over time. What once held positive memories can later have negative associations. Traditions (those rituals we hold so dear because they hold special meaning) can also lose their import and be replaced by more current ones. When we get stuck in symbols or traditions that lose their meaning, the holidays can take on a drudgery that conflicts with the overall message of goodwill.
Symbols can also mean different things to different people that can be far different than the original. Take the Christmas tree for example. While its origins are difficult to pin down, the general idea is that it represents the tree of life and is associated with the Christ child. Most of us probably think of other things when we look at our beautifully decorated trees—such as fond memories of our childhoods, anticipating looks of delight as gifts are exchanged, remembering moments prompted by a glance upon a special ornament. It might be worth a moment of meditation to reflect upon the tree as a symbol of eternal life—hope for the hereafter—or even the continuity of life represented in the greenery as well as the family traditions passed down through the years.
Christmas can be a time of connection unparalleled by any other time of the year. There is something about the lights, the sparkle, the reminders of a break from the usual. For that really is the root of Christmas—a celebration of the winter solstice—the shortest/darkest day of the year is behind us and the days can only get longer and brighter. Christmas began as a religious alternative to the popular festivities to mark this significant time of year. Sometimes it seems we have come full circle. Christmas is once again a popular diversion for the masses. Any spiritual significance to the holiday must be consciously noted—even with all the nativity plays, services, and caroling. It just becomes empty tradition after a while. Not that there isn’t joy to be found there; but if these long held traditions and symbols are to have any personal meaning, it is worth a moment or two to actually think about what this time of year represents for you.
I have found it is also worth considering those empty traditions and symbols—or the ones that now have negative associations—to replace them with fresh ones. That action itself can signify the renewal inherent in the season. For spring is coming when once again light will flood the land. This may be a season of darkness—in more ways than one for some—but the Light is coming. The darkness will not last forever.
May your Christmas season be filled with hope and renewal as we transition from darkness into light.
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Posted on Nov 15, 2011
A while back I had an unusual moment of enlightenment out walking with my dog. Now, I often have ‘a-ha’ moments while out with my faithful companion as I let my mind wander and ruminate on whatever catches its fancy. However, this time was different as I was attempting to communicate with my dog.
Since moving to a different community and exploring new routes for the proverbial “morning constitutional,” we have had the pleasure of meeting fellow, regular dog walkers. One in particular has become a favourite—for both the person and the pet. As our busy lives interfere with maintaining a schedule executed with military precision, it is not possible to meet on a consistent, daily basis. So some mornings I feel compelled to inform my dog, “Nobody’s here.”
I don’t know what makes me think my dog can’t come to the same conclusion as I have given the same data: no familiar vehicle in the parking lot, no person of significance to be sighted, no whiff of that certain canine BFF. In my role as caregiver, I think I must communicate to her that her friends are not in the vicinity—it will be ‘just us’ this morning. Sure, her hopes are up as we climb the small hill to the park; but she assesses the situation just as well as I do. I suspect the difference is she can make the better adjustment to disappointment. At least some days. There have been mornings when she will linger at the top, alert for any hint that her friends will appear, before descending back into our subdivision.
Unlike many humans, dogs have an uncanny ability to ‘roll with the punches,’ ‘go with the flow,’ make the most of ‘what is.’ They live in the moment. And when the moment has passed, there’s always hope for another one around the next bend. So when I inform my dog that “Nobody’s here,” what does she do? Keep on the lookout for “Nobody.” The phrase, “Nobody’s here,” to my canine companion means that somebody named Nobody has arrived—which is exciting news indeed. Try and correct that impression when in fact the very opposite is true.
This revelation prompted thoughts about other statements that make no sense to a dog’s way of thinking. My dog can respond to many ‘affirmative’ instructions including come, stop, wait, sit, look, find. Conversely, negative instructions are not in her vocabulary. She cannot comprehend how ‘not’ to do something. She is incapable of ‘not jumping’ or ‘not running off;’ but she can ‘stay down’ and ‘stay close.’ This realization made me think of how we speak to other dependents in our lives.
We spend a lot of energy informing children of what they are not supposed to do: jump on the couch, pull the dog’s tail, pinch their brother or sister, throw food, yell, etc. However, the child is usually so engaged in what they were doing that they fail to come up with alternative behaviours on their own. Hence, the predictable, and perpetual, cycle of ‘negative enforcement’ ensues—the undesired behaviour continues while the caregiver gets frustrated giving the same ‘negative’ command.
What if we were to take a lesson from the pet world? Instead of constant negative commands, we intercept the undesired behaviour with a redirection—tell the child what to do rather than what not to do—maybe even participate with them for a few minutes. The alternate behaviour is reinforced with positive attention; and the inappropriate behaviour is stopped without engaging in the negative cycle.
Maybe I will have to try this with more than the dependents in my life. What would happen if I made a conscious choice to communicate with others in this manner? State what I want rather than what I don’t want. If you join me in this experiment, let me know how it goes.
May you experience improved communication within your circles of interaction—inspired by a creature focused on connection and living in the moment. Happy trails! 🙂
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