Posted on Aug 16, 2015
If you recall last month’s posting, I have been experiencing periods of rest throughout the month of July. Well, it has continued into August, teaching me even more lessons about resting, waiting, trusting, and the healing journey. And, of course, more down time has afforded more time for thinking.
One of the stops along the healing journey this past month has been to track down on Facebook peers, friends, acquaintances from my youth, with limited success. This has been a curious by-product of my downtime considering I am one of those who would push my painful past into oblivion if I could. So it had me pondering what this rabbit trail was about, when it occurred to me that I have not been stricken with sadness or rejection if a friend request went unaccepted.
Now, normally I do not take rejection well. This development had me even more curious about this seeming rabbit trail on my healing journey. What was digging up people from my past all about? And I realized it wasn’t about the people at all, or expanding my friend list. It was about integrating my story rather than fragmenting it. I must quit pushing away the painful parts and start embracing my entire story—the saddest chapters included.
The other important lesson I have learned in the past month is to approach each day as a gift to be opened. Not knowing what would fill my days could have prompted anxiety to take over and even immobilize me. But taking the lessons from July about resting, I concentrated on spending my down time however I liked.
I chose not to listen to the workaholic voices that taunted me about garden and house work; and eventually they diminished. I did whatever struck my fancy—including napping. And I found the days filled themselves with activities. Restful activity. I didn’t push myself to accomplish anything except when I had casenotes to write. I found simple projects lying on the to-do pile that usually got shoved to the bottom. I focused on rest rather than productivity.
To my surprise, I find I will miss this slower pace of life. But it is not sustainable. Bills do need to be paid. Garden and house work does need to be completed. However, I can take these lessons into the next month.
I can continue to be open to each day as a gift to be unwrapped. I do not need to respond to down time with anxiety or face large projects feeling overwhelmed. I can tackle each day with whatever it brings, focusing on people rather than productivity—and sometimes the person I need to focus on is me.
Another avenue of discover was relinquishing the comfort, familiarity, and stability of routine. I kept looking to the next week to return to normal; but each day, each week looks so very different. I may have to quit looking for the familiar and start embracing each day as a novelty, each day being one-of-a-kind, unique. A gift to be opened. Obviously a tough lesson for me to learn as just the other day, my journal noted, “I really do need to learn that every day is a gift. To be lived fully. Even if that is resting/taking it easy.”
May you be able to open your arms wide to let in each day as it unfolds rather than be frustrated by unmet expectations or upset routine. Embrace each day as a gift to be opened. And it might just surprise you with joy!
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Posted on Jul 16, 2015
“We humans have lost the wisdom of genuinely resting and relaxing. We worry too much. We don’t allow our bodies to heal, and we don’t allow our minds and hearts to heal.”
~ Thich Nhat Hanh
This theme or concept of resting has crossed my path a few times and in different ways over the past couple of weeks including Facebook quotes. I think it began when clients didn’t book the days around Canada Day; and I was given a ‘mandatory’ rest of a very lengthy week-end. The following couple of weeks have been lightly booked with clients providing yet more rest. And as a recovering workaholic, this has been the source of some stress. But surprisingly less than usual.
Maybe I am starting to get the hang of this resting and relaxing business. I certainly have not minded the down time to get caught up on reading and my own personal quiet times of reflection…which brings me to the next quote:
“Difficult problems take time to resolve. The more frantically you pick at knots, the more entangled they can become. To untangle yourself try relaxing. Gently and patiently work with your difficulties and in time you will be freed from what now seems impossible.”
~ Bryant McGill
During this time of ‘rest and relaxation,’ I have had opportunity to let go of some persistent worries (such as “Down time is nice, but so is financial security!”) in order for them to work themselves out rather than have me fuss over them getting further entangled and knotted. So it’s been quite the liberating experience to step back, cease worrying, and just be. And hence the third Facebook quote:
“You must let life flow naturally, for life’s secret is patience; you must stop pushing for change and allow things to unfold.”
~Leon Brown
Between mulling over this unprecedented decline in client load (plus what to do about it) and financial responsibilities is plenty of opportunity to relax and just be. Having faith in the “Greater Good/Universe/God/Higher Power/Creator” certainly has helped as well. But it’s one thing to believe in something and quite another to follow through. Here is my opportunity to stop fretting and allow things to unfold.
My body and soul have appreciated the slower pace even if my brain has other (legitimate) concerns. However, faith and experience are teaching me to let go—to uncurl my tightly clenched hands, to relinquish (perceived) control, to quit worrying knots into tangled messes, to step back and be patient, to rest and relax—allowing my body, mind and heart to heal—and to stop all that pushing for change and allow things to unfold.
An image comes to mind of a flower bud slowly unfurling to reveal its full beauty and fragrance. Picking at the petals of the closed bud won’t bring forth an open bloom but will only damage what must emerge with time and patience. This time of unexpected quiet for me is like a bud waiting to open to something even better and more brilliant.
What’s required of me? Patience and faith. For fretting is like picking the petals of the bud trying to force it to open.
May you have the faith and patience to rest and relax knowing things will unfold in their own time and way. You’ll see.
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Posted on Jun 19, 2015
As I begin this, I am not sure what to blog about this month. There are always thoughts percolating in my mind, but nothing has jumped out demanding to be put into writing which leaves me in a bit of a spot. So this may be more a collection of jumbled thoughts than a cohesive entry.
As this quote has been occupying my mind quite a bit lately, I will start with this:
“Sometimes you just have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out. Maybe not how you planned, but just how they’re meant to be.”
Some of you know that the past three years have been particularly difficult for me since the loss of my dog, Gracie, in March of 2012.
Her death triggered so much pain to surface—basically any unresolved grief bubbled up, insisting to be dealt with. For the first time, I truly grieved the death of my mother that happened when I turned 5. Along with that came many childhood issues that required attention. Inner child work became standard for me. All aspects of my life came into question and under introspection.
With all that grief to attend to, I have felt a heavy weight upon my soul for the past three years. Until this past week that is. I wish I could articulate the shift, but a shift certainly has taken place. From feeling like the world has been off its axis a degree or two to feeling stable and sure of myself. It’s been quite the shift.
I refer to it as shifting from living in a whisper to living out loud.
That’s quite a switch from “please don’t notice me” to “be all that I can be.”
In a journal entry from earlier this week, I wrote that God wants far more for me than I can even imagine. Not to push or to pressure me, but to live out fully who I’ve been created to be. Not to meet a quota of souls saved, missions accomplished—but to just be me with all my gifts & abilities, joys & sorrows, dreams & disappointments.
In other words: to live out loud.
I’ve tried to hide myself my entire life (for a whole host of reasons but primarily from non-existent self-esteem). I didn’t think I deserved anymore than the pain and suffering that was all around me. What happiness I eked out of life was short-lived, shallow, and results-based—and always with a tinge of sadness to it and/or self-deprecation.
My efforts to retrain my brain apparently are beginning to pay off. I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel, brightness within me, and a new self-appreciation. I can honestly say, I have never before felt good about myself—my accomplishment, certain traits, that sort of thing, but never “just me.” It is such a wonderful feeling.
It feels good to feel good about myself.
It’s certainly been a stormy stretch of sea, but within the current calm waters I can agree:
“Sometimes you just have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out. Maybe not how you planned, but just how they’re meant to be.”
May you take a break from the worrying, wondering, and doubting—and just ‘be’ in all your personal brilliance. Shine on!
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