Posted on Nov 27, 2015
As you will have noticed, my blog is a tad late this month. Mainly due to my mood. Been feeling rather numb and blasé lately. I’ve been mulling over if that’s due to my new medication (I hope not), or the simple fact that I have a mood disorder.
This mood disorder of mine also messes with my sense of self. A few weeks ago, I noted in my journal that I wasn’t sure how I felt about myself that particular day. Ideally I should feel good about myself all the time, regardless of situation or circumstances. Mood may swing but my sense of self should remain steady.
That’s a tough one to absorb and live out. It means having a strong internal locus of control instead of the usual external locus of control–meaning we are motivated and influenced by factors outside ourselves (positive and negative).
For my entire life, I have allowed the words and actions of others to determine how I feel about myself (good, bad, otherwise). I didn’t have an innate or natural sense of value. I could go into attachment theory and my sad childhood for why that is, but suffice to say my sense of self was not nurtured.
Now I am a grown adult and need to nurture that in myself–to reassure myself that I’m okay as a human being no matter what life throws at me. That’s an internal locus of control–or an internalized sense of self, a strong inner core.
What changes do you need to make in your life to strengthen your inner core?
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Posted on Oct 15, 2015
“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”
~ Socrates
I’ve been fighting the old for quite some time now. Change is always scary. This time I am looking into changing my medication for dysthymia (a mental illness characterized by varying degrees of depression).
What does it take to make me face change? Serious weight gain. And I ain’t no toothpick to begin with.
It has become exceedingly frustrating opening my closet, trying something on that fit just weeks ago, and now is too tight. It wears on my psyche and my bank account. I simply cannot financially support this weight gain with clothes to cover it up. Something has to be done. And diet and exercise aren’t cutting it. I eat well. I get regular exercise. That isn’t the issue. But it sure is wreaking havoc on my body image.
Of course, my physicians have blood work testing lined up. I just need to get my Chronic Fatigue butt to the hospital lab—in the morning. If only they weren’t testing my glucose (the one that requires fasting), I could go anytime. Mornings so overwhelm me, the thought of breaking routine—change—can immobilize me; and I procrastinate.
Once the blood work has been reviewed, I can look into changing my medication—which is generally believed to be the culprit. The blood work is just making sure there isn’t something else going on in my body. Crossing all the ‘t’s and dotting all the ‘i’s.
I was doing so well in the summer, I actually entertained the idea of quitting my anti-depressant medications. But then September reminded me I have an illness that won’t magically or miraculously disappear on its own—in essence, no cure for dysthymia, just daily management.
So, of course, the alternate is also scary—quitting my medication and having a serious relapse: a bout of plummeting major depression. I don’t think I’m ready to take that risk. The risk I am facing is not finding the ‘best fit’ medication right away but having to go through trial and error until we find one that has few or at least tolerable side effects and the desired effect—no depression.
This takes time. I could be in for a rocky ride. Or the next drug we try could be ‘the one’ and all is well. Maybe I’ll even shrink back to fit into my clothes again. That would be nice.
Change. Never easy. Generally scary. Sometimes exciting. Worth the effort? I’d say yes—even if the desired outcome doesn’t come readily, the learning and growing process is worth the effort. I also have ‘no choice’ if I take my health seriously. And I do.
Is change knocking at your door? Are you reluctant to answer? Be courageous! Take the plunge! You never know what the outcome will be—unless you don’t embrace change. Then you remain stuck.
“Making a big life change is pretty scary. But know what’s even scarier? Regret.”
~unknown
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Posted on Sep 20, 2015
This month’s blog is a bit tardy because I had a bit of a bout with depression this week. So I finally decided, Why not write about it?
To start with, I will talk about basic coping strategies in general. When we are so low we can’t get out of bed, one way to encourage ourselves is the “One Thing” rule. I must get out of bed to do one thing. Whether that one thing is to have a shower or eat something or even watch TV, usually we will find when we have done that one thing, we can scrounge up the energy to do one more thing. And before you know it, you have gotten through another day by tackling it one thing at a time.
Another aspect of depression that must be addressed is that pervasive feeling of powerlessness. Now there usually is something that we are powerless over—hence the depression. However, to move past that, we have to focus on what we do have power over such as personal hygiene, what we eat for dinner, what clothes we where, how we tackle the day one thing at a time.
Most of all, we must be gentle and kind to ourselves. The harsh criticisms we tend to dole out do not help us tackle the day one thing at a time nor find the details that we do have power over. We must give ourselves permission to be depressed but not to stay that way. We must counter the negative self talk with uplifting, positive statements that ring true for us.
And if after all that, you find you cannot gain any momentum, by all means find someone to talk to who can help you sort out what’s going on in your brain that keeps you trapped.
Depression is an immobilizing disease. I know.
But you can do this. You can claw your way out of the deep darkness towards the brilliant light of a brand new day. I know. I have done it. More than once.
And there may come a day for you when depression becomes no more than an irritating bug that you can flick off your shoulder and get on with your life. I know, I’m getting there.
So hang in there. Depression will not last forever. You can reclaim your life from the darkness.
Be strong. Be bold. Be Brave.
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