November 2015: Moodiness
As you will have noticed, my blog is a tad late this month. Mainly due to my mood. Been feeling rather numb and blasé lately. I’ve been mulling over if that’s due to my new medication (I hope not), or the simple fact that I have a mood disorder.
This mood disorder of mine also messes with my sense of self. A few weeks ago, I noted in my journal that I wasn’t sure how I felt about myself that particular day. Ideally I should feel good about myself all the time, regardless of situation or circumstances. Mood may swing but my sense of self should remain steady.
That’s a tough one to absorb and live out. It means having a strong internal locus of control instead of the usual external locus of control–meaning we are motivated and influenced by factors outside ourselves (positive and negative).
For my entire life, I have allowed the words and actions of others to determine how I feel about myself (good, bad, otherwise). I didn’t have an innate or natural sense of value. I could go into attachment theory and my sad childhood for why that is, but suffice to say my sense of self was not nurtured.
Now I am a grown adult and need to nurture that in myself–to reassure myself that I’m okay as a human being no matter what life throws at me. That’s an internal locus of control–or an internalized sense of self, a strong inner core.
What changes do you need to make in your life to strengthen your inner core?