Posted on May 14, 2017
Today is Mother’s Day. And I am reflecting upon the life of my (step)grandmother (my stepmother’s mother passed away at age 99 on 5 May 2017). While it ties in with the promised entry on the Heroine’s Journey, I will postpone delving deeply into that concept to another time.
Reading my grandmother’s obituary (or life summary presented by the family) saddened me. And not out of a sense of personal loss. A sadness that my grandmother did not get to go on a Heroine’s Journey for herself. She lived by the rules of the patriarchal culture in which she was raised (and perpetuated).
It was a very glowing account of a remarkable woman’s self-denial and self-sacrifice—her dedication to her faith and her family. But I did not get a sense of who she really was. Her True Essence burned low in the grate—nearly snuffed out by cultural conditioning. She was not afforded the opportunity of self-discovery. Which is another layer of patriarchy that saddens me: women are taught self-denial long before they ever get a chance to discover who they are and what they are sacrificing! Hence the Heroine’s Journey for those who choose to embark on it.
My grandma would have balked at going on such a journey. It would have seemed antithetical to her faith and upbringing. So indoctrinated was she, that fanning into flame her True Essence would be heretical. Jesus’ hard work at women’s liberation would have been lost on her—in fact confusing. She knew how to function, and function well, in the patriarchal society. According to the obituary, she flourished in that environment. But did she? She followed the rules well, but where was she in all the rules?
If using the plant/flower analogy, she was a well-maintained (and contained) garden that produced beautifully; but I wonder about the wild flowers planted deep within. Did she ever want more out of life? Did she ever want to escape the boundaries and flourish in other ways?
She likely was fairly content with her life—up until the end when her vision and hearing deteriorated; and she lost the will to live. Given how she lived her life for others, when she could no longer do that, it likely did kill her spirit. She had no sense of self to fall back on. She relied on the dynamic of self-sacrifice to give her life meaning.
I was also raised in that environment. And I am on a Heroine’s Journey of self-discovery so that I can better live out my True Essence. It is a totally different experience to give of yourself from self-knowledge rather than a sense of existence. It is rather empowering to embrace your True Self. When we live by a culture’s rules, we never get to be “real” with each other. We are always playing a role, saying our lines, doing our part. I much prefer realness. And when we honour the realness in others, it changes how we interact in the world.
Reading my grandmother’s obituary, I was struck by how contained her world really was. While she had a great impact on that world of family, she didn’t engage with the larger world in any significant way (other than supporting others who claimed to do so, like missionaries). If grandma could have lived out her True Self, I wonder what impact she would have had on the global community. Where would her heart have drawn her? What would she have been passionate about? What change would she have worked towards? How would she have attempted to better the world?
There is so much of her personal story that I don’t know—and she didn’t want to talk about (like surviving the depression of the 1930’s and being raised in an exceptionally large family by a father who married three times). So many untold stories that shaped who she became.
My (step)grandmother was not a storyteller. And she didn’t talk about herself much. That would have been prideful. How I wish I had more role models of strong women who owned their own presence in the world; lived out their True Essence. Instead, I learned how to hide and self-deny. And internalized that I wasn’t worthy. Not uncommon.
It’s also why it’s so important to read about, reflect upon, and embark on the Heroine’s Journey of self-discovery. After living for everyone else and by society or family rules, it’s time to figure out who we were born to be as women and as fellow human beings.
Because of its starkness, my grandmother’s story inspires me to pursue colouring outside the lines, growing wild in the weeds, not conforming. I am choosing to sacrifice connection to family and friends (who will not understand my Heroine’s Journey) instead of sacrificing my Self for family, religion, culture, career (all intertwined). And in a surprising twist, it is because of the strong women in my family story that I am able to do so—even though their strength lay in survival and hopes for future generations rather than personal accomplishment or “the greater good.”
And today, on Mother’s Day, I am grateful to the Divine Feminine for her Mothering Presence in my life. Without that significant shift in my thinking, I would not be able to pursue the Heroine’s Journey. And God/Universe/Transcendent Being’s Mothering Love has kept me safe and been constant when human love (maternal or paternal) has been lacking—even when I was unaware of it.
Today is a day to honour feminine attributes in general—that either gender lives out. May you feel mothered by those around you today—whomever they may be.
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Posted on Apr 16, 2017
In honour of Easter, I am going to step out of my safe zone and go into preacher mode—breaking two of my guidelines for writing this blog: avoid preaching and Scripture references. Have no fear, this won’t be a sermon or lecture you usually hear! I will surprise you by sharing what Easter has come to mean to me, something very near and dear to my heart.
Easter is an occasion to celebrate women’s liberation and human equality—honouring the Breath of Life and Divine Spark in each and every human being.
Having grown up in the “the Church,” Easter was the cornerstone holiday or feast-day of our Christian faith. It marked a turning point in human history. Unfortunately, too much focus is placed on symbols, metaphors, and “remembering” instead of continuing the action of turning the world upside down like Christ did.
We who claim to follow in Christ’s footsteps have failed to do just that. We have failed to advance liberty and equality for all humans. We have instead pursued hidden agendas and conditions or expectations that must be met in our “acts of service.” We tend to be intolerant and judgmental—at least in my personal experience and general observation. It seems we have come full circle or reverted back to the patriarchy and piety of the Jewish religious leaders—our ancestral “world order.”
On my faith journey, Easter has come to mean liberation and equality—which sorrowfully has become lost or buried again over the past two millennium. It saddens me greatly how far off-course we have wandered. Doctrine, dogma, and theological debate have overtaken living redeemed and liberated lives. We no longer fight for the causes Christ initiated: overcoming oppression, poverty, and injustice—fighting for the underdog. We are once again enslaved to tradition, piety, and cultural conditioning. We have lost being counter-cultural movers and shakers. We instead promote and strive for conformity.
Liberation and equality. We do not live like those are the cornerstones of our Christian faith. We, in fact, don’t live that much differently from our ancestors—other than in Western culture, brides are no longer purchased for land or livestock. This world has not changed much. I will be so bold as to say that an outside observer would not be able to tell Christ came at all—we have done that poorly at advancing the “new order” or way of life: upending patriarchy and liberating women, the oppressed, the downtrodden—pursuing human equality and mutual respect.
If I were to take two verses of Scripture (one from each Testament) that capture the essence of a life lived by faith, we have done poorly indeed. Here are the 2 verses to live by.
“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:28
“[God] has told you, O [person], what is good; And what does the LORD require of you? But to do justice, to love kindness, And to walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6:8
If we respectfully treat each other as equals, pursue justice, uphold kindness, and live humbly (knowing we are but a speck in the grand scheme of things)—what a different world this would be. Yet we persist in being legalistic, judgmental, pious, and proprietary. And I am guilty of all of it, too. That is why Easter has taken on new meaning for me. I finally get it. Easter means redemption, liberation, and equality. I am no longer enslaved to indoctrination, cultural conditioning, and tradition. I can choose for myself.
I do not yet live in the utopian society of people living redeemed, respectful, and liberated lives with justice, kindness, and humility. But Easter reminds me to celebrate I am redeemed and liberated—that I can choose to live my life fully. And it is an opportunity to renew my sense of purpose towards being an agent of healing change—in whatever small or big ways that I can. Hence, I am grateful for what Christ did to end patriarchy and piety. For it allows me to embark on the Heroine’s Journey (next month’s blog).
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Posted on Mar 18, 2017
This past week, I experienced a major setback to my health and sense of well being. When I reflect back, it has been building for some time; meaning a single event can be overwhelming given the right context. Like a perfect storm brewing. My boat has capsized. I am now faced with figuring out how to right my boat, get back in, and keep rowing—but my navigation equipment has failed; and I must determine where I’m going and how I’m going to get there.
This means a complete re-evaluation of who I am and what I do for a living. I have to reconsider why I care so much; why I invest so much of my Self into my clients. It also means that I cannot keep investing my Self into my work like I have been. I cannot sustain what I have built up. I need to make change. Not only re-evaluate who I am, but also what I want out of life. I want so much for other people. Time to direct that attention and energy towards myself.
At the risk of sounding over-the-top, I have lived my life for others. Looking at that more closely, I realize that I have over extended myself trying to “correct” the wrongs of my life story: no one was there for me, so now I’m going to be there for everyone else. I have been driven to ensure that others do not share my experience of being lost and alone. I care very deeply for the people who cross my path. And I strive to empower my clients to live fully, to know their core worth and value, to stand up for themselves and not be used or taken advantage of.
In my striving to empower others, I have tried to rescue them from continued lives of misery and to protect them from themselves and their life situations. I have fallen into the trap of empowering others in order to rescue and/or protect them. And when I don’t succeed at empowering/rescuing/protecting—I am devastated. Old feelings of being a failure surface. I struggle with not being seen and heard, with being misunderstood. My sense of self gets wrapped up in what happens in the lives of my clients. I have inadvertently given my clients the reason for my existence. My work gives my life meaning.
By ‘being myself’—as in a deeply caring person, very invested in the lives of others—I have made an overcorrection, causing me to spin out of control. Somehow by living out my true Self, I have lost my Self. While I have finally embraced my own innate worth and value as well as come to an understanding of who I am and what I can contribute to the world, I still managed to put others ahead of myself. I continue to operate from a position of self-sacrifice, to the point that I sacrificed more than I had to give. I didn’t make sure I took care of myself in the service of others.
Yet, that is not it entirely. I have practiced self-care in my daily routine. What I didn’t do is honour my Self—treat myself with the same focused attention I offer to others—I didn’t respect my own boundaries. My edges became frayed without me even noticing. I ended up throwing myself in harm’s way, not seeing the danger. I was so focused on the other people that I lost sight of my Self—and my frayed edges. I didn’t see it coming when my efforts to empower others backfired. I was blindsided. Thrown for a loop.
However, this culmination of the perfect storm—this crucible I find myself in—has meaning in that it does force me to re-evaluate. I was on a downward spiral of my own making that I didn’t see. Having the rug ripped out from under me, while painful to land on my backside, has provided new perspective. I must view my life and my Self differently. As I process what I see from this angle, it requires contemplation and adjustment. Survival requires change. But I want more than survival. I want to thrive. And in order to do that, I must honour my strengths and my limitations. I must pay attention to the container that I grow in—which may even require repotting. We’ll see what happens as I reassess what my life is all about.
Like me, maybe it’s time to check out your own little world that you grow in. What needs adjustment so that you, too, can thrive?
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