Posted on Jan 23, 2020
Welcome to a new year and a new decade! As I noted in last month’s blog, this is an ideal time to take stock of one’s patterns and set about changing things up. And in true (ironic) fashion, I was presented with an opportunity to do so for myself.
One of my patterns involves communication hiccups.
Relationships of any kind are tricky. People need varying degrees of space
and/or closeness. Some like frequent contact, others are “lower maintenance”
shall we say. Introverts tend to prefer less direct forms of communication like
texts and emails. Extroverts lean towards in-person and phone/video chats. Add
to that, there is the full spectrum of social media options; providing plenty
of opportunities for connection as well as miscommunication and
misunderstanding.
When I am pushed away (aka given a boundary), my default
processor wonders what I did wrong or what is wrong with me. In a recent
situation, I was able to stop the negative self-examination and instead
consider where the other person might be coming from such as self-preservation.
We tend to push/pull away, or more clearly set boundaries,
as a form of self-protection for both healthy and unhealthy reasons. When I
took a step back, I could differentiate between pulling back and pushing away.
Pulling back might indicate a change in interests whereas pushing someone away
(if not due to a definite dislike) could be rooted in a fear of getting hurt. We
may be scared to invest, be vulnerable, or fully show up because we fear
rejection. In that case, the shift has nothing to do with me and everything to
do with the other person.
Once again, I had to remind myself that how a person acts or
what they say is first and foremost about them—not me. When I shifted my focus
off myself, I could see hurt from the past offering protection from future
pain. I could also zoom out, so-to-speak, and look at the larger context in
which the communication hiccup occurred—personalities, life stressors, personal
histories, and the entire relationship—not just the perceived slight against
me.
This shift in focus completely changed how I understood the situation and hence my reaction. It allowed me to choose to respond seeing their hurt instead of assuming the worst of myself. This also meant I could acknowledge and operate from my strengths. While being pushed away never feels good, I am grateful for the opportunity and ability to appreciate the bigger picture. It allowed me to break the pattern of self-aberration to see the good in both myself and the other person.
Breaking the pattern gave me choices. And I chose to honour
the delicate balance of respecting a boundary without pulling away or striking
back. I did not need to retaliate for my own self-preservation. After all, this
wasn’t about me. Honouring who I am gave me the option to keep showing up as
opportunities (with respect to boundaries) allowed.
Most of all, I continue to be amazed at the rewarding
difference made by simply stopping default behaviours—such as negative
self-examination. That never helps anyone. It is one thing to own our flaws (along
with our strengths) and quite another to assume blame and shame. May you
experience a delightful discovery in your own efforts to break patterns and
give yourself choices.
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Posted on Dec 24, 2019
As per usual, my mid-month blog
fell to the wayside regardless of my good intentions. A few ideas have been
percolating in my cranium lately. So I have chosen one that ties in with the ending
of a year—in fact, a decade—and the beginning of another, full of hope and
possibilities.
Sometimes our hopes are crushed
when we feel abandoned or unsupported. Humans are the only species (that I am
aware of) who have an amazing array of coping strategies to handle dashed
hopes. Depending upon our upbringing, personalities, life experiences and the
like, our strategies fall upon a spectrum of helpful to harmful.
Most of our strategies are
developed in childhood—and we keep using them well into adulthood or when they
cease to be beneficial (whichever comes first). It takes a particular
self-awareness to be able to note when a behaviour or thought pattern no longer
works for us and adapt a new coping skill.
A common strategy to cope with
disappointment is referring to ourselves as stupid, foolish, idiotic, crazy, or
deficient in some way. This anger-turned-inward protects us from the reality of
the humanness around us. It “saves” precarious relationships. As children, our
minds haven’t acquired the ability to rationalize or take a step back to say,
“My parents did they best they could with what they had; or They are under a
lot of strain right now.” Nor do we as children have the ability to separate
ourselves from the drama or chaos that rightfully belongs to others. Therefore,
our child minds by default take the blame, “There must be something wrong with
me. That’s why my parents are yelling.”
This carries with us into
adulthood. So when faced with disappointment, our default coping mechanism is
to assume we are deficient in some way—that is why we are unsupported, abandoned,
etc. We believe we are wrong.
So as we approach the threshold
of a new year and another decade, it provides an opportunity to stop berating
ourselves. Chaos is chaos. Disappointment is disappointment. It does not mean
we are wrong or deficient or undeserving of better. It means we are human. And
for many of us, that includes going against the grain or holding unpopular
beliefs.
Maybe we think or feel more
deeply than others; so when we opt for simplicity, it sharply contrasts with
those who need to be the centre of attention or who thrive in the over-stimulating
realm of social media. It takes courage to be able to say, “No, not for me,”
when faced with the barrage of shallow connectivity or following the status
quo.
It can be disappointing, even
lonely, when our requests for simplicity are ignored, denied, or denigrated by
the promoters and/or supporters of excess or by those who simply refuse to rock
the boat. They’d rather go with the flow than risk capsizing. And then there is
the whole FOMO crowd: Fear Of Missing Out.
We CAN’T have it all. We WILL
miss out on certain things in favour of others. And sometimes our choices wont’
be the popular ones. We WILL lose out because something bigger and better has
usurped our simplicity and tranquility. Grief, loss, disappointment are all
part of life. Without them, we would be incapable of appreciating love, joy,
and contentment.
The antidote to coping
strategies like FOMO and self-abasement is to discover what we hold dear—and
make choices consistent with those values. Then we will be better able to
grieve our losses and embrace our joys, knowing that both contribute to a full
life, and to discard our fears of deficiency and missing out.
Whether we skim the surface or
dive deeply into life, may 2020 be a year of building healthy coping skills for
whatever the next decade holds.
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Posted on Nov 25, 2019
Life has been chaotic lately. So much so, that I “lose” a
day now and then. With all the changes these past few months, it’s time to
reflect upon the upheaval. Oddly enough, this was prompted by thoughts and
sensations of contentment—not the opposite, which is usually what happens for
me.
Last night I was struck by the thought that I am living life
as I want to live it. And the mixed internal response got me thinking. I felt
both guilt/shame and relief. Plus a pinch of pleasure. Surprisingly, I didn’t
dwell on the guilt piece too long. I was able to bat that intrusive thought
away and simply take a moment to be grateful.
Life if not perfect by any means—if perfect means
struggle-free. But yet life, as I currently know it, is perfect. My risky move has paid off—not financially yet—but
spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically. I love the mature, character
home I currently live in (even though there is an ever-increasing list of
improvement projects; just when one item gets crossed off, another three get
added). I have easy access to nature trails where I can be surrounded by trees
and grounded by rock. I can hear the rush of water coursing through the nearby
dam with sounds reminiscent of the powerful waterfall it once was. Every drive
through town provides a view of the rapids and flowing river. And with the
fiery sun and whisper of wind, I am in my “elements” on a daily basis.
I love it here. I have come home to my Self—a place I’ve
never been before.
I have never lived truly on my own terms—always factoring in other people, whether it was my parents, siblings, teachers, friends, peers, church leadership, co-workers, husband, in-laws, etc. I, as an individual person, did not count or matter—what mattered was the greater good (usually as dictated by others). To complicate matters, there were the undiagnosed and untreated mental health issues. I never thought for myself; for if I did, I was challenged by those around me or (what I now know as) the “crazy” thinking in my head. I have certainly come a long way.
It is absolutely marvelous to get to know my Self, how I
think, and what I feel. In addition to that, it is a new experience to set
boundaries without guilt. I know what I am about, what is helpful, and what is
harmful. Sure, the old ways of thinking challenge my efforts and are bolstered
by imaginary conversations with those who hold to dogma, conditioning, and
tradition. I must let those conversations go as they do not serve me. Only
weigh me down and hold me back. I do not need to defend myself to perceived
criticism. And I can choose to engage or back away from those conversations in
real life. There is a confidence that comes with knowing who you are and what
you are about.
This transformation has been “in the works” for a long time,
recent developments notwithstanding. There have been shaky moments when I have
had to employ healthy coping strategies learned along the way. In retrospect, I
can see how my life lessons have built upon each other getting me to where I am
today. I have had to rely upon bookending my day with tried-and-true morning
and bedtime routines. And when I first moved into my new home, I had to relearn
what that looked like in different surroundings. It was a bit disorienting
until I got the hang of what works for me in this place. It is important to
note that I kept at it. I knew I could trust my routines to keep me solid. I
just had to reset them.
I am living in a constant, ever changing state of disarray.
But it is my disarray that I have some control over. There are days I am
so overwhelmed, I don’t know where to start. Other days that I run out of
steam. However, as I pick a project and see it through—the result is worth the
discomfort. Not only the satisfaction of a task completed, but also the benefit
of improved living space that reflects who I am and not imposed by a previous
occupant or co-habitant.
Of course the parallel between home renovations and self-improvement is not lost on me; especially the necessity of proper groundwork for lasting results. Knowing the advantage of due process keeps me pressing on when I live with patched walls until I can rearrange my belongings to prime before painting. Very important. I wish the previous renovators knew this as I have large portions of paint chipping off the lath and plaster walls and original wood trim. And of course, when one starts making significant changes, it exposes layers upon layers of what has gone on before.
You may not be undergoing a home renovation at this time;
but we are all engaged to some degree in our own transformation and growth. May
you find hope and healing as you peel back the layers, repair what’s damaged,
and apply life’s lessons on your journey of coming home to your Self.
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