Posted on Oct 29, 2019
The other day I was asked a very simple question. Which in the moment, I answered quickly and equally simply. But upon further reflection, I realized my glib response was just the tip of the iceberg. It was a truthful answer; but little did I know the depths my response represented.
The question was simply, Why did you do that? My response:
because I was frustrated. End of conversation with the inquirer—but not in my
head. I had made an imprudent and impulsive choice which subsequently required
the aid of the questioner. And a very fair question given the circumstances.
I am not prone to impulsivity; but evidently my frustration got the better of me. Hence the prolonged conversation in my head. Why did I make that particular decision given the context? The answer surprised me—old entrenched patterns. I reverted to worrying about someone else’s opinion (mind reading) rather than focusing on the real situation at hand. Had I stayed the course (not distracted by the perceived thoughts of others), I would have spared myself and the person who came to my aid (the poser of said question) a lot of hassle. Ironically, it was the imagined criticisms of the questioner that waylaid us further. I got frustrated with that perceived pressure along with the slow progress I was making that led to the question, Why did you do that?
So I was frustrated initially with my slow progress. But later I realized my frustration was compounded by the albeit incorrect belief that someone was impatiently waiting for me and already questioning my choices long before the question was actually verbalized. And now I ask, in my ramblings have I lost you?
Suffice to say I fell into a common thinking error or trap: mind reading—where we assume we know what others are thinking and make our choices based upon imaginary input. I have lived most of my life anticipating criticism and trying to avoid it. Obviously there must have been some sort of success rate to reinforce this behaviour. But there has also been much unnecessary heartache, suffering, anxiety, and trouble because of it.
I can make excuses like time pressures, stress, etc. All valid factors, but in reality I forgot to practice mindfulness—paying attention to the present moment without judgement. In a nutshell, I lost myself. My inner compass went off course. I slid into default mode—people pleasing. This default mode can appear harmless—even masquerade as a redeeming quality—but it isn’t healthy and in fact can be quite harmful.
Fortunately this most recent situation resulted in embarrassment
and inconvenience. But my people pleasing tendencies have gotten me into much
trickier situations. It’s like I get tunnel vision and can no longer see the
big picture. If only there was a way to zoom out to interrupt default mode
before making harmful decisions. However, on the bright side, I’m learning how
to be mindfully present—keeping my inner compass on course and grounded in
reality—which prevents many of these awkward situations I tend to find myself
in. Hence the conundrum of self-discovery: holding the unhealthy pattern in
tension with celebrating the successes.
There definitely is a theme in my life lessons: putting others first at all costs. And sometimes those costs are quite high; but without the costs there wouldn’t be lessons. And without celebration of success, there isn’t reinforcement of lessons learned.The challenge of countering people pleasing, criticism avoidance, and the need for mind reading, is that one has to start putting oneself first—or at least on par with everyone else. That’s hard to do because it requires resetting one’s inner compass. The “north star” that guides all processes has to be adjusted.
Kind of like all those settings in our newfangled, digital gadgets. We have to set the parameters for our devices to function optimally for our particular preferences. But don’t get me started on setting up my new internet connection and “smart” television! That was an obstacle course I don’t wish to repeat.
Now hopefully I’ll remember all those dang passwords and security codes. Word of advice: never over think or over simplify! 🙂
“I am not lost, I am just working out my way, no longer following the signposts outside but instead following the compass within me.” ~S.C. Lourie
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Posted on Sep 17, 2019
The recent-past Provincial Election and notification of an upcoming Federal Election has got me thinking about betrayal. In my line of work, betrayal is a common concern—usually in the context of intimate relationships—but sometimes other types of relationships as well. It’s difficult to unpack political betrayal because it is less tangible, less personal. And yet it feels very personal because it relates to our core beliefs and values.
I confess that I am struggling with guilt at not voting in the Provincial Election. It feels like a betrayal of the Famous Five ( Emily Murphy, Henrietta Muir Edwards, Nellie McClung, Louise Crummy McKinney, Irene Parlby) who fought so hard for women to be counted as persons and hence have the right to vote. There is even a striking statue on the grounds of the Provincial Legislative Buildings in Winnipeg.
I also believe that my vote should count and matter—and voting for the sake of voting does not support that belief. There really was not a candidate I wanted to vote for. It wasn’t laziness or apathy. It was a conscious decision NOT to vote for a person or platform that I didn’t trust, or believe in, or perceive he/she represented my vote. I want my vote to count for the things that matter to me. And in the last federal election, my vote for what mattered to me was betrayed. Trust in the fabric of democracy itself was shattered let alone the elected representative who made empty promises.
I will not vote for someone—anyone—just because it is the “right” thing to do, because women’s right to vote is hard won. So is my right to consciously, yet quietly, boycott the political circus. My sense of betrayal is so deep, I have become jaded and cynical about politics, parliament, and our version of “democracy.” Evidently, my values are not in keeping with the majority. And as we all know, majority rules.
Well, sometimes fairness and justice means the underdog should have his or her voice heard too. As I do not trust a political party or politician to adequately represent me, why would I vote for one? Our current political system is archaic and deeply flawed. Parliamentary practices are based upon antiquated tradition (like yelling to drown out the words spoken by the opposition) and not common sense, common courtesy, collaboration, and basic human dignity. It is based upon power plays. How is that democracy?
In a democratic society (and
with the marvels of modern technology), I would like to vote on the individual
issues. I would like my vote to count and my voice to be heard. That’s after
all what the Famous Five fought so hard for—to be heard—and to have the basis
in place to be heard. I don’t feel my voice is being heard with my vote in the current
political climate. In that sense, my individual vote does not count or matter.
It only elects an official.
I am not trying to demand an
audience for extremist views. I simply want human dignity upheld—for everyone—not
the way our power-playing system benefits from it. Common sense says everyone
should have access to drinking water, affordable housing, nutritional food,
education. Not just for the select few who vote “right.”
I don’t want to start a
political rant as I know “no one” is listening and/or cares about what I
passionately believe in—it won’t get votes or win popularity contests. But I
guess I want to express my views on betrayal—which were affirmed in a news clip
just prior to the provincial election. I am not the only woman to feel betrayed
and unrepresented by current options. It was also affirming to hear a clip
about how men and women perceive political issues differently—in essence how we
vote—but for both genders it comes down to trust.
Can I trust this candidate (and/or in the political party platform) to adequately represent me or my concerns? And the answer, for me, is NO. Even if I did hear rhetoric that reflected my concerns, I would be extremely hesitant to vote because of being burned. I trusted someone’s promises to make changes in this country that became hot air. Not only that, but money left the country to educate women in developing countries. I’m all for that—but not at the expense of our own Canadians—male or female!
I will not be taken in like that again. The actions of the candidates must indicate their interests. What does their track record show? What are they already involved in? What change have they supported or created? Most political performers are just that—performers. I have yet to see our political system perform sensibly. If that’s what democracy means—power plays, popularity contests, and performances—then I’m not interested.
My vote means too much to me to
be wasted on a rigged system. Just because the majority rules, doesn’t make it
healthy or even in the best interests “of the people.” There is that charming
saying about followers of the masses: sometimes the ‘m’ is silent.
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Posted on Aug 5, 2019
My best intentions included writing
two blogs this summer for July and August. However, the months of June and July
were quite a roller coaster for me. Thus, it is my goal with this blog entry to
share as much of that ride as ethics and circumstances allow.
Quite frankly, I’m not sure where
to begin.
I just re-read last month’s blog which ended with, “I’m tired of being a human punching bag. Which is another way of saying the Universe is guiding me to make some changes.” I will try to give you some of the background; but words really do fail me. Let me start by saying: my world was shattered on a Friday afternoon mid-June when I received an ethics complaint against me. Yes, I was as much in shock as you, my dear reader, may well be. I didn’t even have time to recover from this blow to my system, when on the following Monday, I received a response in my divorce proceedings that attacked the very fibre of my being.
As you can well imagine, I went into a tailspin. My functioning was limited to what I absolutely had to focus on—such as my clients. There wasn’t much else. The divorce situation was addressed first—and I broke the cardinal rule I teach all my clients: Don’t Get Sucked In!—by defending myself for all I was worth. Fortunately, I made a corrective measure before final documents were sent. Whatever I said in my own defense would have fallen on deaf ears and had nothing whatsoever to do with negotiating a settlement. When I got my legal bill, I had a twinge of regret, of course, for the extra work I made for my lawyer.
Once the divorce proceedings were
dealt with (not finalized yet, but getting closer), I had to return my
attention to the ethics complaint. The week of leaving it alone was definitely
the right move as I was in a better frame of mind to address the points
presented. That, too, took many rough drafts before the final response was submitted.
In an interesting turn of events, that complaint has since become a badge of
honour because it now represents something I was doing “right”—advocating for
maintaining family bonds—rather than doing something wrong.
These two attacks upon my
personhood also served another purpose: they prompted me to do another personal
and professional assessment. Later in the evening after receiving the ethical
complaint, I declared that I was done. Done with counselling, with advocating
for others, with going above and beyond. In those overboard, defensive
declarations there remained a kernel of truth in that it forced me to take a
closer look at what I want out of life and out of my profession.
I am done with over-extending myself. As well, I don’t have the wherewithal or fortitude for advocacy work. My sensitive nature is not covered in a resilient turtle shell. As passionately as I believe in attachments and connections, I am not the person for those particular therapy “trenches.” I am, however, well suited for trauma and abuse recovery which remain my principle passions.
So it got me thinking, how do I live my life to its fullest potential and be more personally fulfilling? And it occurred to me that I will get more out of my life if I focus on trauma therapy rather than try to be all things to all people. I cannot save the world. I can’t even make it a better place to live. But I can ease some of the suffering that surrounds me.
Add to all this turmoil — the disruption of my personal solitude as my housing situation is changing. Gone are the peaceful views of forest and occasional grazing deer. The dogs can no longer run and play as they please. It has been replaced by the ongoing development of more cabins. There goes the neighbourhood.
So, I’ve been searching for a new place to live, and dare I say, retreat. The gears are grinding away to combine the ideas of trauma recovery and retreat. Maybe Barb’s Bunker: a Place to Retreat for Recovery of Hope and Healing. There will be continued grinding of gears on that one for awhile. A location is in the works, but can’t be revealed at this time. And it will be a solid year before there will be anything resembling Barb’s Bunker. But it feels good to dream again and plan for the future. And all because my world was turned upside down and shaken like a snow globe. Hopefully soon it will feel like it has been set right again.
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