Posted on Feb 15, 2014
I have begun the immense project of digitizing my family tree using a computer program I utilize in my counselling practice. As I have transferred information from paper copies, stories have emerged. It is fascinating what surfaces when I move beyond entering names and dates to realizing how old people were when they married, relocated, and experienced significant life events including death.
For example, I discovered an ancestor that was 16 years of age when she married for the first time! And I tried to imagine what it would have been like to board a steamship with eight children in tow, or how horrific it would have been to have a child die at sea, or the pain of permanent separation due to geography, or uprooting as a community and moving from one country to another—wherever the current government allotted the group sufficient space until circumstances would push them on again.
The most intriguing story, however, ties in well with the month of February and especially Valentine’s and Family Day. A story that makes me wonder what it was like to be in love in 1879. In Russia. It is difficult to envision life without electricity, indoor plumbing, even toilet paper and toiletries. I wonder if I would have had any suitors if I could not improve my appearance with modern hygiene practices and the advantages of make-up to present my best self. What drew people to each other in rural Russia in 1879? Are there laws of attraction beyond how we smell and look? Good hygiene and grooming is such a significant part of being attractive these days. Are there ‘base lines’ to being an attractive mate that incorporate our flaws rather than our efforts to disguise our natural smells and blemishes?
Gives new meaning to the term: raw beauty. I don’t think I’ve ever considered my own raw beauty before—or if it even exists! Our culture puts so much emphasis on how we make ourselves presentable rather than what makes us attractive behind the ‘smoke and mirrors.’ Is it possible to be attracted to someone based solely on personality? What about the plausibility of true natural chemistry or finding someone physically appealing ‘as is’?
Now back to the story from 1879 that I was reminded of as I entered data into my laptop. In keeping with most North Americans, I have a family background that follows a trail back to the ‘Old Country.’ My family history can be traced from the Netherlands, to Prussia (now Germany), on to southern Russia (now Ukraine), and then US and/or Canada.
In June of 1879, a portion of one of my ancestral families boarded the SS Switzerland headed for Philadelphia. I do not know which European port the ship left from, but my ancestors had to take an emigration train to get there. My great, great grandfather Jacob was on that train with his parents, 3 sisters, 2 brothers-in-law, and 9 nieces and nephews. He was 21; the youngest sibling and only surviving son (his older brother Johan had died at age 7 in 1858—the same year Jacob was born). His 23-year-old sister was the only other one without family of her own. The fourth oldest daughter had emigrated with her young family of 8 children the year before. Four sibling families remained behind in Russia.
As the story goes, my ancestral grandpa Jacob got off the train at the last minute—for love. He married his sweetheart, Anna, on October 25th of that same year. They are scandalously holding hands in their very serious wedding photo. They had 8 children—3 of whom came to Canada in 1925 and 1926. My grandmother arrived in Canada with her parents in 1926. She was 5 years old.
If I could time travel, I think I would endeavor to meet my great, great grandparents, Jacob & Anna: those radical Russian Mennonite sweethearts of 1879. To find out their secrets to a passionate and enduring love that could prompt a 21-year-old male to abandon half his family—headed for an adventurous, fresh start in a new world—to choose a hard life of farming with the woman he loved.
And I’m curious what sort of raw beauty great, great grandmother Anna had.
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Posted on Jan 15, 2014
So how is everyone’s New Year starting off? Recuperating from all the festivities that mark the transition from one year to another? As I write this, I am still in anticipation of what is yet to come—which got me thinking about what it all means.
Did your Christmas/Holiday/Winter Solstice Season get run over by Santa and his reindeer? Or trampled by the Magi en route to visit the baby Jesus?
Sometimes it can feel that this holiday season is rather redundant. Where is the significance of the symbols, stories, and traditions? Does this time of year truly mean anything to us? Or is it just repetition—what we do this time of year, year after year?
Not to be a Scrooge or exclaim, “Bah, humbug!” at the site of a Christmas tree. Rather the inverse. I love this time of year. The decorations, the music, the food, the generosity of spirit, the well wishes. It is indeed a bright spot in the dead of wintry whites and grays. For many it is also a time for family which might be neglected throughout the rest of the year, a time of giving, sharing, helping, remembering, rejoicing. For those with religious beliefs, it is also a time of storytelling and celebration. I am not as familiar as I would like to be with the various religious traditions that happen this time of year; but it is significant that nearly every belief system has some sort of festivity in November/December. And with the rise of the Global Village, many new stories, symbols, songs, and significant events are evolving out of the blending of cultures.
This came alive for me by reading another article in the November/December 2013 issue of Spirituality & Health magazine entitled, “Dancing in the Light” by Rivvy Neshama in which she describes “a pilgrimage to the Taos Pueblo for a traditional ceremony [that gives her] a new understanding of Christmas.” Even the ‘traditional’ ceremony described was a blend of native and Catholic themes.
And huddled together around an immense bonfire, the author heard different expressions of the experience: “It’s about the sun returning…It gives us light for the new year.” In her words, “It’s Christmas, it’s native, it’s solstice, it’s magic.”
In my words: Beautiful! What an amazing ceremony to express what this season is all about in its many manifestations! It is a time to celebrate the return of the sun. The shortest day of the year is behind us; and the days will only get longer until the summer solstice. There will be light to guide us into the new year. If we are so inclined, spiritual significance can be superimposed upon the meaning of sun and light in reference to the Christ child (Son and Light). In other religious systems, I’m certain those words can have double meanings as well.
The word that pops into my head: Renewal. The shift in the sun signifies renewal in that it is now time for the earth and its inhabitants to prepare or rest for spring (forthcoming time of rejuvenation and growth). The earth (and people) cannot continue to produce without a season of renewal and rest (in this case, resting is more active than passive). We are not bottomless resources—as much as we may treat our planet and other people as such.
In Christian tradition, the spiritual significance of this season is also renewal (aka redemption). The birth of Christ marks a shift in how God and people relate. Christmas is a time to refresh our relationship with God. In broader terms, regardless of religious affiliation, it is a time to reflect and revisit how we see ourselves as part of the grand scheme of things and how we relate to the Transcendent Other.
As 2014 opens before us, may you experience Light from within and without to renew you for what lies ahead in the new year.
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Posted on Dec 15, 2013
Once again I am faced with the middle of December and feeling overwhelmed. How does this happen every year? So I am going to cheat with this month’s blog entry and share a poem I read in a magazine, the November/December 2013 issue of Spirituality & Health, that struck a chord with me.
“When the song of the angels is stilled,
When the star in the sky is gone,
When the kings and princes are home,
When the shepherds are back with their flock,
The work of Christmas begins:
To find the lost,
To heal the broken,
To feed the hungry,
To release the prisoner,
To rebuild the nations,
To bring peace among others,
To make music in the heart.”
~ Howard Thurman
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Posted on Nov 17, 2013
Isn’t it funny how life sends us messages just when we need them? At least that has been my experience as of late. Last week at one of the support groups I lead, my affirmation card (Language of Letting Go Cards by Melody Beattie, 2005) was Accepting Change. Little did I know how pertinent that message would become!
Change in my marriage, change with my dog, change at my office, change with my phone/internet service provider. Each one significant on its own. A whirlwind of change when combined all together.
As anyone in a relationship is well aware, change happens frequently in how we relate to each other, what impacts our individual as well as our joint lives, subtle shifts occur. More dramatically, we are making huge strides in the socialization of our dog which involves learning her language so that we can better communicate with her. It is quite the challenge adjusting to her style of communicating which has a lot more to do with body language, gestures, and energy than it does with vocalizations. It is pushing me into a whole other level of awareness, tapping into skills and resources I didn’t even know I had. However, there is nothing quite so rewarding as being able to communicate in another language—albeit canine. Gives new meaning to crossing boundaries—in a healthy way.
Also of a significant nature, my office will be moving come December 1st –maybe sooner depending on painting. Fortunately, due to the imposition, I will not have to do the painting or moving of furniture. My Chronic Fatigue Syndrome exhales a huge sigh of relief. However, I will have to pack up my office and its current coziness with the hope of recreating something even better in the basement. Yes, the basement.
Given the underground location, I chose not to go with the same rich hue of dark brown for the walls. The new office will be Fern Green which remains consistent with my current accent colour palate, so minimal purchasing of new items. The move also comes with a price break, so that is a plus as well. I am actually looking forward to this transition which is somewhat surprising given my penchant for avoiding change.
An added bonus is the location right next to my group room making it easier for clients to find me. And I won’t have to go far if I leave something in either room. I will have new office neighbours who will need to get used to my coming and goings throughout the day. In a way, it is a blessing, because my former office neighbours relocated to their new digs in Olds. I miss their company already.
On a less dramatic note, changing service providers for phone/internet/cable may sound less than exciting, even inconvenient; but I am looking forward to less service outages and fewer calls for the previous owner of our current phone number. Conveniently, this change is happening right around the time for sending out Christmas letters. What a better time to inform family and friends of all the changes in our lives!
Maybe accepting change isn’t so hard after all.
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Posted on Oct 18, 2013
An interesting thought occurred to me some time ago as I was thinking about family dynamics:
I grew up with ghosts.
Not your classic kind, of course. No wispy figures haunting the halls at night. More of the family-secret type of ghost, or the untold stories represented by unused instruments: such as the ghost of my dad’s violin or his accordion. I believe I only heard my dad play these instruments once. He had his excuses, of course, for why he didn’t play anymore; but I never heard the full story behind these instruments. The family secret of my dad’s hidden musical ability. I don’t know how he got into the violin or the accordion. He also owned a harmonica, come to think of it, and an acoustic guitar. He played mostly by ear—an ability I did not inherit. I also don’t know the stories behind the storage of these instruments—and his passion for music.
There are also the ghosts of other artifacts, including old photographs, in my parents’ home. Stories I’ve never heard. Aspects of my parents’ lives left unexplained. Items that belong to everyone and to no one. Hand-me-downs that never find a resting place, but flit from place to place until they end up in a storage box or left on a shelf. Untold stories. Once in a while an off-hand comment will pique my interest such as, ‘Oh your grandmother made that.’ I didn’t know she was adept at needlepoint. What’s the story behind that? And which side of the family? Most of us come with more than one grandmother.
Sometimes questions lead to more information, other times it shuts the conversation down. Ghosts. Family secrets. Untold stories.
Sound a bit dramatic? Maybe. Still, it got me thinking about the ways ghosts show up in our lives. Ghosts, and those pesky skeletons in the closet. Half-finished lives. Untapped potential. Incomplete stories. Unresolved issues. Mysteries. Shame. Guilt. Humiliation. Embarrassment.
Can these ghosts serve any purpose in our everyday lives? Absolutely, if we listen carefully to the messages that they bring.
What ghosts haunt your halls? Any skeletons shaking in your closets? This might be the perfect time of year for storytelling, relinquishing long-held secrets, solving family mysteries, or shedding shame and guilt for freedom and personal growth.
What’s in your closet?
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Posted on Sep 15, 2013
Funny how themes tend to show up in my practice now and then. Lately, it’s been the theme of attention as it relates to romantic relationships, couplehood, marriage.
It’s actually a theme that has me quite puzzled: women need attention to be satisfied in relationship. Now as a woman, it might be puzzling because females are socialized to value relationships; men to value money, prestige, sexual prowess. So it makes perfect sense to me that women need attention. We do, after all, give that to each other quite readily and easily—as well as the members of our families, and hopefully our partners.
Men, however, appear to be baffled by this need. Or how to meet it. Nothing they do ever seems good enough. Granted, these men are trying hard to make their wives happy. I give them credit for that. What I am missing is the disconnection about what their wives need in all that hard work—attention.
Women need to be attended to just as much as any other person of any age or gender on the planet. Is it because moms are so self-sacrificing that inadvertently the message is sent that women can take care of themselves, relationally speaking? Do parents not model reciprocated attentiveness? Just some questions that come to mind when I think about this vacuum created in our Western society. Begs the question, is it different in other cultures? Are males more attentive to females in intimate relationships elsewhere in the world?
Regardless, how do we address this significant shortcoming in our culture?
Maybe we need to begin by clarifying what we mean by “women need attention”—as in, take an interest in. When we were dating, we hung on each others every word, took notice of what was worn, what each other smelled like, where we went, what choices were made—in other words, paid close attention. We took an interest in our prospective mate. We wanted to know them, not just know the facts about them. We wanted to know what made them tick, how their inner world worked. How come that changes once a commitment is made and co-habitation begins?
Do we get lazy? Do roles change? Do we regress to childhood mentalities? Do our expectations change? How much is conscious? Are we “pre-programmed” by the dynamics of the families we grew up in? Is there hope to make a shift back to all-consuming attentiveness?
If we started to give undivided attention to our partner of either gender, what would change in the relationship? Would anything fall apart? Improve? What would happen to satisfaction levels? Does it require too much time? Energy? Effort? What gets in the way of paying attention to each other? Why do we stop, if we did it at all?
Just curious.
If you have any thoughts about women needing attention for relationships to be satisfying, feel free to post a comment or send me an email. I’d love to hear from you.
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