Posted on Jan 15, 2015
This will be an unusual blog posting; but here goes…
Well, it has been a crazy ride since mid-September of 2014. One incident after another has kept me on me on my toes, primed for what could possibly be coming next. Here is an compilation of my Facebook posts to get you up to date.
September 2014
19–Bizarre day. Not even sure what to say about it. Still processing arriving upon the scene of an accident minutes after it happened and helping control traffic–except my parked truck with hazards flashing didn’t deter nearly enough people from driving around me and the scene of the accident! I left when the firemen said I was free to go. I’m still processing what I witnessed. I think I said that already…
22–Just a quick update that I got from a client today (not the person I offered to help at the scene). I don’t even know how to express this. The accident was a fatality as I suspected given the scene. The motorcyclist was on his way to his son’s wedding rehearsal. Coincidentally, the son & fiancée were at the same intersection. How tragic for the son to ID his dad’s body at the scene. The wedding took place the next day as planned. One of the guests was a friend of the client I saw today. Given what I was told at the scene, it is possible that the motorcyclist had a medical incident as a precursor to the collision as he wobbled on his bike and fell before he was struck by the vehicle behind him. How strange to reprocess the accident with a client today!
October
31–Truck to Dodge for servicing. Just a quick little rant about my visit to Olds/Mountain View Dodge yesterday. They were certainly in the Halloween Spirit. Quite the trick they played charging me $263 (plus change) to tell me they couldn’t reprogram my Central Timing Module that I had replaced, used, by a well-respected local mechanic shop. Really??? The used part cost less than their failed attempt to reprogram it! One hour of shop rate I could stomach–but a bunch of BS?!?! That’s expensive stuff! Back to the local guys for their 2 cents…
November
1–Apparently I have a new super-power–the ability to keep other dogs from barking while babies are sleeping inside. I was chastised today for not walking Elsa fast enough past a certain home this morning–as there was a baby in the house! I commented that I was working on it and that my dog was not the one barking. The dog in question also kept barking long after Elsa & I were out of sight. And I had just been thinking how proud I was of Elsa passing that particular house with very little incident! It used to be quite the scenario. She has been doing so well. If only that woman knew the whole story…mine & Elsa’s! Her comment still stings a little. But I’ll get over it. I was also proud of myself for speaking up for Elsa (& me)!
14–see November blog posting about returning to the dealership to have my bill cleared up.
Also in November Elsa took issue with a neighbour dog prompting the owner to say some very unkind things which triggered quite the trauma setback and a dysthymia dip for me. Days later, I was on my way to Calgary for a 3-day trauma & addictions conference where I met the presenter who offered me phone sessions. As well, I started a new drug at the end of the month.
In December I had my phone consultation with the trauma therapist and began to notice positive changes with my new medication. In the midst of all that, Christmas quietly came and went.
It is with huge relief that 2015 has arrived without much ta-do. I am looking forward to the many fresh starts the new year has yet to offer. So far so good. Nothing traumatic as of yet. Still on a healing journey. Meds continue to do their thing. On the right track…
May your 2015 be off to a fresh start with many blessings to encounter in the days ahead.
Read More
Posted on Dec 20, 2014
WINTER, a sharp bitter day
the robin turns plump against the cold
the sun is week
silver faded from gold
he is late in his coming and short in his stay
Man, beast, bird and air all purging, all cleansing,
earth already purified awaits the rite of spring
Her bridal gown a virgin snow and frosts in her hair
A snowdrop by the road today bowed gracefully
and high upon the wing up in the sparkling nothingness,
a lone bird began to sing
Can gentle spring be far away?
~ Winter by Tommy Makem
I am always glad for the turning point in the year when the daylight returns. Even though these are considered the shortest days of the year, they feel like the longest–especially when the skies are overcast; and what daylight we do have is dim. This is a time to celebrate the changing of the seasons with brightly coloured lights strung upon evergreens. Life and Light continues even in the midst of bleak darkness.
This is also a season to clean out the darkest corners of our minds. This concept is sparked by a conversation yesterday about the reasons we have to face addictions (behaviour and chemical). We seldom do that for ourselves, but rather are motivated for some other reason—usually another living being or the risk of losing said being. We generally don’t have the self-worth to embark on such a hazardous journey for our Self.
The addictive behaviour or substance is what is for our own benefit—letting go of that coping strategy is for someone else. We weigh the risk of losing someone important to us, as heavier than the risk of losing what we think is holding us together, in order to salvage a relationship or lifestyle.
We might be about to lose a job or home—but that loss is tempered by what it will mean to others such as our families. It is one thing to create a homeless, jobless life for ourselves. It’s quite another to do that “to” people we truly care about. And sometimes we push away the people who care about us as we patch together some sort of life that supports our addiction of choice.
For me, I didn’t come face-to-face with the patches of my life until my dog, Gracie, died in March 2012. And I didn’t find the courage to face some of my many anxieties (especially social ones) until Elsa came along three months later. It quickly became apparent that to help Elsa with her anxieties, I’d have to face and deal with my own.
And as we have a few successes along the way of dealing with our patches, our coping strategies, we build the self-worth to tackle the hazards on our healing journey for our Self—when we finally get that we are worth the effort and want to make our own lives better.
Reminds me of Winter Solstice—we have to get through the darkest days in order to appreciate the new life Spring brings. May you find your own reasons to get through these darkest of days (and clean out the darkest corners) until we can awaken in the Spring.
“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.
Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”
~ Albert Schweitzer
Read More
Posted on Nov 15, 2014
I had a most surprising day yesterday—much of which went well. A significant part did not go well. I will share the latter part with you, so you can learn as I go!
It was an object lesson in psychological abuse tactics.
Two weeks ago the local Dodge dealership got into the Halloween spirit by playing a trick on me with my truck repair that didn’t happen; then charging me a crazy amount of money for accomplishing nothing. After reviewing my bill over the weekend—without any clear explanation of what I was charged for—I sent an email to the person I had been dealing with. At the time, I felt he had provided excellent customer care—treating me very well in the shop. A week went by without a response. I forwarded my email to the general manager (their flyer in the mail conveniently provided that information). Yesterday morning I received a phone message that the original person wanted me to call about my email. I left a voice message that I was in town and would stop by before end of business day should time allow it.
When I showed up, said person was out on a test drive of some sort, but that he should be back momentarily. Several minutes later he’s back in his office—and proceeds to ignore me standing at the counter: makes phone calls, walks right by without glancing my way. I call his name. He glances up—and invites me into his office with a jab about not being sure I would show up (I had stated it would be near end of business day, had an hour to spare yet). But his office? Why would I need to go to his office to have my bill explained to me? Warning flags!!!!
Well! What happened next could have been a case study in one of my psychology-related books. I can’t imagine having the conversation I did without the knowledge that I have acquired. By the time I was back in my truck, I was in tears! And so very confused. What had me so very upset?
As I mentally reviewed the conversation, I was able to identify several psychological abusive tactics: contradicting, correcting/chastising, projecting, imposing (telling a person what they should or should not feel or think), ignoring, blaming/not taking responsibility, evading, denying, negating, interrupting, implied insults, power differential/control, finger pointing (intimidating gesture), just to name a few.
When I expressed feeling taken advantage of, he openly denied this. No such thing had happened.
When I challenged the clarity of my bill, he pointed at the ‘answer’ on my bill where two names were printed (not associated with anything else on the page). From that, I was expected to deduce that I had been charged 1 hour of labour for a technician, and one hour of labour for the shop foreman (double the rate of the technician). This had not been cleared with me. No one called to ask if I wanted to pay that much for a repair they couldn’t perform. But I didn’t even get a chance to express all of that. Example of implied insult to my intelligence and negating: what I was saying was inconsequential.
When I asked why the bill wasn’t clearer (with suggestions of how it could be so), he blamed the computer system which “wasn’t theirs.” Wasn’t theirs? What does that mean? He claimed they couldn’t enter the information I required (deflecting). When I expressed seeing the technician type into the system as I pointed at the sheet of paper, he interrupted and tried to deflect/distract by repeating what he had just said about not being able to change things in the computer and pointing elsewhere on the page. And yet, what was on the paper was what I had asked them to check! How would the computer system know that without someone typing it in? But I didn’t get to ask that either. Abuse of interrupting, distracting/deflecting, blaming, repeating instead of answering the next question.
When I expressed frustration that he wasn’t listening to me, he pointed his finger at me as he emphasized that I was the one not hearing him! Projecting the issue back on me with an intimidating gesture.
When I expressed frustration that they couldn’t even fix the problem, he replied he thought it had been fixed (denying, negating) and blamed the used part (couldn’t guarantee the work therefore charged whatever time it took to figure out there might be a glitch with the part or the system). This is inconsistent with the research we did which I attempted to share with him—and he denied of course—and didn’t even allow me to finish (interrupting—this he did whenever I attempted to state my case).
Counter arguing (contradicting) every point I made is another form of abuse—never actually giving me time or space to fully express myself (controlling the conversation). And he was surprised I was angry? I think not.
When I pulled my bill away and got up to leave, he addressed me like I was being unreasonable—he was after all going to refund me the full amount (not just one of the hours of labour as I had requested). He really did not get that it was more than just the dollar amount. I was done with being mistreated.
But when I sat down again, he proceeded with more abuse, not simply the refund—which had to be done in the shop. If he was so prepared to refund my money, why the continued song and dance in his office? Why didn’t he just get up with me and proceed to the shop to refund my money? Evidently he had a point to make which I just wasn’t getting (aka not accepting). He evidently felt it incumbent upon himself to chastise me for choosing a used a part and hence blamed me for the amount of time it took and hence the high fees. No guarantees. It was insinuated that I was being unreasonable by not accepting the bill and for choosing a used part in the first place (implied insult). And here I’m just expecting common decency and respect. I can handle that it couldn’t be fixed. I’m having issues with the way that it was handled and invoiced.
When I asked why he hadn’t just explained the fees in an email, he said that my email had gone to his spam folder; and so he didn’t know about it until the General Manager asked about it that morning—hence my morning phone message. That still doesn’t explain the song and dance. He still could have sent an email with the explanation. Evasion. Another abuse tactic.
This guy was slick, I tell you. When we went to the garage for the refund, he acted like raised voices had not just happened seconds earlier. All sweet as pie. I thanked them for the refund and left. There were witnesses after all.
The part that gets trickier for me was the intense emotional response. I was not in tears simply because someone had been ignorant toward me. I was in tears because this was not my first time. This is what’s called being triggered—a present moment is triggering unresolved issues from the past. I have a long, complicated history of being treated in this way.
It is simply that my strong emotional response was layer upon layer of my personal experience of being treated like I don’t count, that I don’t matter. It became normal for me to be treated thus. So I didn’t even recognize it as necessarily harmful when I began counselling—just par for the course. As I have worked with many women (and men too) in abuse recovery coupled with my own abuse and trauma recovery, I have become very familiar with the insidious and pervasive nature of psychological abuse. I now recognize what even I don’t want to see. Doesn’t make it less painful—to hear about or to experience. But I can recover—each time.
I think I was also shocked to experience psychological abuse in a professional setting like that. Without my past history, it wouldn’t have upset me as deeply—or I wouldn’t even have bothered to address the situation—or I would have quietly gone along with whatever was said to me—or I would have walked out and not gone back for more. Learning experience.
As I type this, I can recognize that I have come a few paces along my healing journey. There was a time when I wouldn’t have addressed the situation for fear of upset; or I would have gone along with it for fear of rocking the boat. I have yet to learn to call a spade a spade and walk out. My personal sense of self is worth far more than any unreasonable bill paid to a dealership.
I do count, I do matter. Regardless if I’m treated that way or not.
May you take to heart that you do count, that you do matter. It will change your world.
Read More
Posted on Oct 17, 2014
Infancy and Politics.
Never thought I’d write a blog merging those two concepts, but here I am. Earlier this week I heard of a very disturbing situation from a dear friend about an immigrant couple who received an official, Canadian-government request to send their 6- month-old baby back to the Philippines. I’m still trying to wrap my head around that one!
For one, I wonder about the bureaucrat who had to compose the letter and the one who had to send it!
Then I wonder about our Canadian government who wants immigrants to supplement our workforce without procreating????
And I wonder if we ever left the Middle Ages, Indentured Servitude, or made any head way with human rights—or even common courtesy let alone common sense.
Now the psychology comes into play. It is well known by this century that the years of 0-5 are the most critical for child, social, and brain development. If we accept that as true—and are aware of the epidemic of social ills that plague this continent—a land of opportunity and better way of life—why on earth would we promote mental ill-health by separating children from their care-giving parents? These are not delinquent parents by any means—but the kind of parents every child deserves—loving, caring, responsible parents. And our government thinks this child should be sent back to a life of poverty without his natural parents to love & care for him?
By the way, these parents had to leave their 3-year-old daughter in the Philippines to find work in Canada to support their multi-generational family.
Now people may make judgments about family planning. Be that as it may, this child was born into a loving family and has arrived. There is no sending this baby back from whence it came! We cannot reverse conception, gestation, and delivery.
Granted, there are plenty of ‘unwanted/unplanned’ children taxing the system. That is one of the social ills that is self-propagating in our own Canadian culture. This Filipino family is not part of that fabric. This baby is not taxing any system. However, he may in the future if separated from his parents at such a critical age!
We were a country who promoted human rights and overall well being for all persons. This is indeed a reversal of those basic concepts; as well as an actual effort to perpetuate the world’s ills—not alleviate them! For all our peace-keeping efforts in the world, why are we ignoring those born right within our country—and the immigrants we need to maintain our standard of living? If we cannot maintain that standard with internal resources, why do we punish those who have come to literally serve us in menial work?
It begs the question, “What is our world (and country) coming to?”
Read More
Posted on Sep 18, 2014
Recently there has been a post circulating on Facebook asking people to list the top 10 books that have changed a person’s life. “Only 10?” I ask. Then an author I follow, Elizabeth Gilbert, posted her top 20 (10 fiction and 10 non-fiction). I decided I would also pick my top 20 but more of a chronological nature or life-event sequence (accuracy of chronology not guaranteed). I also decided that I would include why these books made it to my top 20 book list. I, of course, have read more than this number of books that have impacted my life; but these are the ones that are most pivotal to my recollection.
Books that have changed my life…
- Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak
- Little House on the Prairie series by Laura Ingalls Wilder
- Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maude Montgomery
- Tess of the d’Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy
- In the Eye of the Storm by Max Lucado
- Motherless Daughters, 1st ed. by Hope Edelman
- Captivating by Stasi Eldredge
- Is it Okay to call God Mother? by Paul Smith
- Health, Healing, and Religion by David Kinsley
- A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson
- Little Red Riding Hood: Uncloaked by Catherine Orenstein
- Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver
- In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Maté
- The Body Remembers by Babette Rothschild
- Water, Wind, Earth, & Fire by Christine Valters Paintner
- Language of Emotions by Karla McClaren
- I Don’t Want to Talk About It by Terrence Real
- The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd
- Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson
- An Unquiet Mind by Kay Jamison
I remember as a 5-year-old girl wearing out my library card with the first selection, Where the Wild Things Are. I don’t recall exactly my draw to that book, but I do recollect a fear of monsters under the bed; and in retrospect, the book makes sense given what happened in my life at that time. The book likely made life less scary for me—or the fears of a 5-year-old more manageable.
Then my maternal grandmother got me hooked on reading with the Little House on the Prairie series giving me a couple books each Christmas thus passing on her love of reading. And growing up a farm girl on the Canadian prairies, the content was definitely relatable!
As I got a little older, a family friend who happened to be a school teacher gave me a copy of Anne of Green Gables. Now here was a character I could relate too! Anne Shirley’s life paralleled mine in many ways; and I no longer felt so all alone in my childhood struggles.
In High School, I was introduced to Classic English Literature like Great Expectations by Charles Dickens and Tess of the d’Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy. Unlike most teenagers, I was undaunted by the size of these novels. I consumed them like a secret elixir for all that ailed me. They were an escape into worlds vastly different from mine, yet also strikingly familiar. I could relate to the plight of Tess and all that she struggled through being cast aside as she was and facing cultural double standards. It was a social commentary of her times that resonated with my own experience.
By my college years, I was wearing myself out trying to be the perfect person. In the Eye of the Storm helped rearrange my thinking to appreciate what really matters: the value of people.
At the beginning of my marriage, and around the time of a serious car accident, I happened upon the first edition of the book Motherless Daughters. This book truly changed my life as much of what I experienced on a daily basis finally made sense—I was “normal” for someone who had lost her mom at such a young age—I gained some sense of belonging even if it wasn’t ‘mainstream.’
Shortly before beginning seminary studies, I read Captivating which gave fresh perspective on what it means to be a valued woman of Christian heritage—and prompted me to write a couple of papers on women in the church context. My sense of self began evolving once more. This evolution led me to read many more books on the value of women from a biblical or religious worldview including Is it Okay to Call God Mother? A phenomenal book addressing many questions I had regarding my value and worth as a woman, particularly being made in the image of God, and being able to relate to God from the female perspective.
Of course, many of the books I read during my seminary years had a huge influence on the evolution of my person and profession. One that really changed directions for me was Health, Healing, and Religion: A Cross-Cultural Perspective. I gained a new understanding of the healing journey from more than one perspective which also respectfully explained many confusing teachings I had been exposed to.
A Return to Love was a different sort of read for me but one from which I benefitted greatly as it taught me a new way to look at life and its lessons as well as spirituality and religion.
In one of those ‘weird twists of fate,’ I came across Little Red Riding Hood: Uncloaked at a used book store. I have never had an affinity for fairytale princesses, but the one character I felt most drawn to has been Little Red Riding Hood for reasons I never understood— until I read this book and learned that the in the original version the main character saves the day. She didn’t have to wait for anyone to come rescue her or her grandmother. She had her own hero’s quest to experience.
Poisonwood Bible changed my life because it was the first book chosen for the book club I have attended for a few years now. These women have become close friends, enjoyable company, a support system, and intelligent conversationalists! Never a dull a moment with these wonderful women! The book, as well, bettered my understanding of the dangers of fundamentalism and dysfunctional family. It was yet another very relatable read!
Anything written by Dr. Gabor Maté has changed my life. In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts happened to be the first book I read by this author and informed my approach to addictions and attachment theory along with abuse and trauma recovery.
Speaking of trauma recovery, The Body Remembers, altered the course of my own trauma recovery along with attending a 3-day conference on the subject.
My healing journey has obviously also involved a spiritual component; and I really appreciate the author’s approach to unconventional prayer in Water, Wind, Earth, and Fire: Praying with the Elements. This book somehow brought everything I had been learning into a cohesive framework while respecting my Christian roots without the fundamentalism.
Talk about life changing! The Language of Emotions finally made sense of my sensitivity for which I have been criticized my entire life. I now can embrace that I am a person who thinks and feels deeply—and that my emotions are an integral part of my intelligence as well as my being human.
In a book geared toward men, I Don’t Want to Talk About It, I found many stepping stones for my own healing journey and trauma recovery. How Can I Get Through to You?, by the same author, Terrence Real, also helped me better understand marriage dynamics and couples counselling in the context of culture and gender socialization.
Another book club selection, The Secret Life of Bees, was a profound eye opener for me on many levels—being a motherless daughter, discovering the divine feminine, the power of female support, as well as the mutuality of our experience. One doesn’t have to lose a mother to death to experience mother loss or disconnection.
The best book ever written on the subject of marital-type relationships is Hold Me Tight. This book transformed how I approach couples counselling and gave me an ever better grasp of attachment theory and the many ways our lives are impacted by unmet (childhood) needs. Our lives are so much more than the daily grind!
The title of the last book, An Unquiet Mind, nearly reached out and grabbed me for that is an accurate description for what goes on in my own head! This very personal account of the author’s journey through bi-polar disorder (a.k.a. manic-depression) is gripping and informative. While my own diagnoses differ from the author’s, her experience was very relatable for me.
There you have it: the top 20 books that have changed my life over the course of over 4 decades. As already noted, I could mention many more. However, the actual books are only part of the healing journey. What matters is that we read, explore, learn, develop, interact, reflect, and keep on our respective healing journeys. Life is for living! May yours be blessed with many healing moments along the journey.
Read More
Posted on Aug 17, 2014
As many of you are aware, I have an interest in spirituality as well as psychology and appreciate whenever I can bring those interests together. So this blog will be an opportunity for me to introduce you to some native spirituality that dovetails beautifully with the journey metaphor for counselling and life.
Some time ago, I came across an article on “The Four Directions: A Spiritual Guide to Centering Yourself” by Roy Henry Vickers (Spirit of the North, Summer 2010). In this article, the four directions are the four doors of the sweat lodge experience.
EAST is the direction of the teacher (pray for lessons and for something to teach) and faces the sun—that ball of fire that gives life to the earth, the season is spring, and the element is fire. It is the also the direction to pray for children.
SOUTH is the direction of the healer (pray for healing and wholeness) and for women, the season is summer, and the element is the earth for mother earth provides food for the body and medicines to help us heal.
WEST is the direction of the visionary (being able to see in the dark and with our eyes closed as well as to clearly see the way to journey through this world) and for men, the season is autumn, and the element is water.
NORTH is the direction of the warrior (pray for courage to stand in the strength, truth, and beauty of who I am) and of the elder. The season is winter and the element is wind.
Recently I read another version of the four directions, including three more, in the novel Keeper’n Me by Richard Wagamese (1994/2006, pp. 306-307). The seven directions of life make a circle, the complete journey, the whole human being.
EAST is the place of light where the sun comes from. Learn illumination, the beginnings of knowing.
SOUTH is the place of innocence and trust. Learn to listen to the teachings with an open heart and open ears.
WEST is the look-inside place and of growing. Learn to investigate what you feel.
NORTH is the place of wisdom. Learn to pause, look back along the path you followed and see the lesson. Reflect.
UP & DOWN is the motion of life; the day-by-day things that we get hung up on and forget how far we have travelled. Lessons that come from breathing; power of choice; practice the wisdom we found from travelling the first four directions.
INSIDE is the place of truth. “You gather there with all the travelers who made that journey too, and you are alone no more.”
If you are feeling lost on your own healing journey, combining the natural world of the four elements and compass points may be just what you need to regain that sense of direction you are looking for. Happy travels!
Read More
