Posted on Feb 14, 2011
“Love doesn’t make the world go ‘round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile…”
~ Franklin P. Jones
Ah, February. The month of Love. For some, this is more discouraging than uplifting. For me, that attitude is missing the spirit of Valentine’s Day: to celebrate love. The world would definitely be a different place without love. Others, however, have it confused with lust. Then it becomes a deplorable day indeed.
If it is true that love makes our journey worthwhile, then it is in everyone’s best interest to generate an environment of love: starting with self-care—not to be confused with selfishness, as it so often is. (This is beginning to sound like a very confusing time of year!) So go ahead—take special care of yourself on this Valentine’s Day and throughout the month of February.
Of course, we may tire of our own company and will need to broaden our environment of love to include the relationships around us: nurturing the ones we already have, and cultivating new ones.
I think it is very fitting that Family Day (for those provinces that observe it or a like-minded holiday) falls in February. To me, Valentine’s is Family Day; but two special days in one month—why not?
I’m sure I have my own family to thank for keeping Valentine’s broader in scope. Of the various Saint Valentines in recorded history, I’m confidant any of them would approve. It is also interesting to note that the romantic interpretation of Valentine’s Day is relatively new from sometime in the late Middle Ages (World Book Encyclopedia notes 1446 in England; see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine’s_Day for more trivia).
Keeping with the traditional observation of feast days for honouring saints, why not reclaim the day of love with a memorable meal? Either for yourself, if you find your circle of significant others otherwise engaged, or gather a group of family and/or friends to acknowledge the importance of love and relationships. Send valentines or thoughtful messages to people you care about. Do something special for co-workers, neighbours, friends whom you relate with everyday.
Consider Valentine’s Day an opportunity to appreciate those around you. It could, in fact, be renamed Appreciation Day for those uncomfortable with the commercialized focus on romantic love.
No matter how loved—or unloved—you feel, you can create and nurture your own loving environment which truly will make the ride on this planet worthwhile.
So what are your plans to acknowledge and improve your relationships this month?
“Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love…”
~ Hamilton Wright Mabie
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Posted on Jan 14, 2011
There are times in our lives when we allow things to get more complicated than they need to be. I speak from experience. Not only am I pack rat (“but I may need that some day!”), I have this knack for taking on other people’s problems as my responsibility. Maybe you can relate.
I call this ‘learning to separate my stuff from other people’s stuff.’ To help with this separation of stuff, it is important to start sorting—much like cleaning out the closets. What needs fixing? What needs storing for future use or kept for posterity? What needs to be let go of? What needs to be left in someone else’s box? Whose box am I sorting through anyway? Having this in mind will help when someone is looking to hand out ‘their stuff.’
Using the closet comparison, here are some options: 1) Share their burden (hold it/store it); 2) Take it on as something that I need to take care of (try to fix it); 3) Distance myself, either physically or mentally (leave it alone). Or maybe I try to do it all. Sometimes it’s hard to find that fine line between being supportive and getting involved. To find that boundary, it is sometimes helpful to acknowledge what the other person is going through at the same time as noting to self ‘this is not mine to fix.’
Often in our attempts to comfort another, we take on our friend’s (or partner’s, or roommate’s) stuff as our own. We mull over it—consider what can be done about it, what should be done, etc—only to find out our friend or companion has no interest in making any changes. We have now wasted precious time and energy on someone else’s stuff. The challenge: to help them out as best we can, then let go of it. Ultimately, it’s their stuff to deal with. And sometimes we do need to let our friends and companions know when we have reached our holding capacity; and they need to find another container for their stuff—your closet is full.
Help, hold, or hunker down—then let it go. Are there boxes of stuff in your internal closet that have someone else’s name on them? Time to do some sorting. If it’s not yours to attend to, throw it out! You are not throwing out the person with the box—just the stuff that you have taken on as your own. You can still be a friend, companion, partner without absorbing their problems as yours to deal with.
If the shoe were on the other foot, it might be nice for someone to take on my stuff as their own; but in reality, the problem still exists even if I let someone else pack it in their closet. Or if I am constantly being rescued by someone else, it hardly helps me to learn to stand on my own two feet, face the music, learn to fly, and all those other idioms for taking ownership of one’s life and making something of it.
Do we need help every now and then? Absolutely. Is it important to help and support other people? Again, absolutely. But when is it too much? One can have too much of a good thing, after all. Stories abound of eating too much good food at times of celebration. In the moment, it’s great; but later we pay for it with digestive discomfort. Helping in the right doses keeps us in healthy relationships. Too little help, and we isolate ourselves; too much help, and we grow anemic—unable to care for ourselves or others.
Part of finding that healthy helping role is figuring out what you are responsible for, what’s realistic given everyone’s capabilities, and if you are rescuing somebody from taking care of their own business. We take on other people’s stuff for a variety of reasons: false sense of guilt, blurry boundaries of who is responsible for what, unrealistic expectations, unreasonable demands, beliefs about who we are and what we are meant to do in life, rescuing tendencies, etc. We give other people our stuff for much the same reasons.
So what’s in your closet? Any bones—or boxes—need shaking up?
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Posted on Dec 15, 2010
Winter dies into the spring, to be born again in the autumn.
~ Marche Blumenberg
Ah, winter. I am one of the few who actually enjoys this time of year—given a period of adjustment, of course. I do not impatiently await the arrival of snow. In fact, I am quite put out if it arrives too early—such as in October.
October is the time of fallen leaves and transition from the vibrancy of autumn colours to the starkness of naked trees. Given this time of nakedness, the snow is a welcome covering for the dreary greyness. The world is once again a beautiful place awash in sparkling white. And when the wind howls and the temperature drops, there is no cozier place than home.
Without the vicissitudes of winter, spring cannot come in all its glory. Nor would there be a season for comfy sweaters, hot chocolate, snowmen, sleigh rides, brilliant starry skies, and all manner of winter fun.
There is a rhythm to the seasons that generates a sense of wonder throughout the year—and conversation topic. I hear in other parts of the world, weather is not a conversation starter as it is here in Canada. And from the weather, there flows a plethora of personal stories—of surviving the elements, adventures, activities, and connections with friends and family.
We grow accustomed to transitioning through the seasons and making the most of each one. Our lives develop a flow and rhythm that corresponds with nature and its seasons. Sometimes we lose touch with this connection to nature. We take things for granted (such as a warm house) or become disenchanted by the inconveniences and interruptions of leaky roofs; snow removal; the unwieldy concoction of snow, sand, and salt; snow storms; icy roads; and all the ways humanity and nature collide.
We dance with nature through the seasons negotiating the steps with smoothness, agility, and appreciation coupled with having our toes stepped on or tripping up when we miss a beat. Nature’s rhythm, after all, doesn’t fit with everyone’s groove.
Much of life itself is negotiating transitions. Job changes. Address changes. Partner changes. Status changes. Family changes. Season changes. Some anticipated; others unexpected. We are constantly maneuvering through these changes and the seasons of life. All in time to a rhythm as natural as our heartbeat.
As we transition into the holiday season in the midst of winter, how will you connect with nature and the rhythms of your life? Pause on an evening walk, bundled against the cold, look up and enjoy the night sky? Join friends on a sleigh ride over sparkling fields of snow? Catch your breath while the wind kisses your tingling face as you ski or toboggan in a winter wonderland? Curl up next to a roaring fire with a cup of hot chocolate in one hand and a good book in the other? Bake up a storm for family and friends to enjoy? Admire the colourful, twinkling lights beaming out into the dark night?
Whatever you do during this month of festivities, may you be surrounded by the warmth of friends and family. Cozy in the knowledge that, wherever you are in the seasons of your life, you are part of the Great Cosmos—a participant in the rhythmic Dance of Life.
Never are voices so beautiful as on a winter’s evening, when dusk almost hides the body, and they seem to issue from nothingness with a note of intimacy seldom heard by day.
~Virginia Woolf
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