Posted on Nov 17, 2013
Isn’t it funny how life sends us messages just when we need them? At least that has been my experience as of late. Last week at one of the support groups I lead, my affirmation card (Language of Letting Go Cards by Melody Beattie, 2005) was Accepting Change. Little did I know how pertinent that message would become!
Change in my marriage, change with my dog, change at my office, change with my phone/internet service provider. Each one significant on its own. A whirlwind of change when combined all together.
As anyone in a relationship is well aware, change happens frequently in how we relate to each other, what impacts our individual as well as our joint lives, subtle shifts occur. More dramatically, we are making huge strides in the socialization of our dog which involves learning her language so that we can better communicate with her. It is quite the challenge adjusting to her style of communicating which has a lot more to do with body language, gestures, and energy than it does with vocalizations. It is pushing me into a whole other level of awareness, tapping into skills and resources I didn’t even know I had. However, there is nothing quite so rewarding as being able to communicate in another language—albeit canine. Gives new meaning to crossing boundaries—in a healthy way.
Also of a significant nature, my office will be moving come December 1st –maybe sooner depending on painting. Fortunately, due to the imposition, I will not have to do the painting or moving of furniture. My Chronic Fatigue Syndrome exhales a huge sigh of relief. However, I will have to pack up my office and its current coziness with the hope of recreating something even better in the basement. Yes, the basement.
Given the underground location, I chose not to go with the same rich hue of dark brown for the walls. The new office will be Fern Green which remains consistent with my current accent colour palate, so minimal purchasing of new items. The move also comes with a price break, so that is a plus as well. I am actually looking forward to this transition which is somewhat surprising given my penchant for avoiding change.
An added bonus is the location right next to my group room making it easier for clients to find me. And I won’t have to go far if I leave something in either room. I will have new office neighbours who will need to get used to my coming and goings throughout the day. In a way, it is a blessing, because my former office neighbours relocated to their new digs in Olds. I miss their company already.
On a less dramatic note, changing service providers for phone/internet/cable may sound less than exciting, even inconvenient; but I am looking forward to less service outages and fewer calls for the previous owner of our current phone number. Conveniently, this change is happening right around the time for sending out Christmas letters. What a better time to inform family and friends of all the changes in our lives!
Maybe accepting change isn’t so hard after all.
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Posted on Oct 18, 2013
An interesting thought occurred to me some time ago as I was thinking about family dynamics:
I grew up with ghosts.
Not your classic kind, of course. No wispy figures haunting the halls at night. More of the family-secret type of ghost, or the untold stories represented by unused instruments: such as the ghost of my dad’s violin or his accordion. I believe I only heard my dad play these instruments once. He had his excuses, of course, for why he didn’t play anymore; but I never heard the full story behind these instruments. The family secret of my dad’s hidden musical ability. I don’t know how he got into the violin or the accordion. He also owned a harmonica, come to think of it, and an acoustic guitar. He played mostly by ear—an ability I did not inherit. I also don’t know the stories behind the storage of these instruments—and his passion for music.
There are also the ghosts of other artifacts, including old photographs, in my parents’ home. Stories I’ve never heard. Aspects of my parents’ lives left unexplained. Items that belong to everyone and to no one. Hand-me-downs that never find a resting place, but flit from place to place until they end up in a storage box or left on a shelf. Untold stories. Once in a while an off-hand comment will pique my interest such as, ‘Oh your grandmother made that.’ I didn’t know she was adept at needlepoint. What’s the story behind that? And which side of the family? Most of us come with more than one grandmother.
Sometimes questions lead to more information, other times it shuts the conversation down. Ghosts. Family secrets. Untold stories.
Sound a bit dramatic? Maybe. Still, it got me thinking about the ways ghosts show up in our lives. Ghosts, and those pesky skeletons in the closet. Half-finished lives. Untapped potential. Incomplete stories. Unresolved issues. Mysteries. Shame. Guilt. Humiliation. Embarrassment.
Can these ghosts serve any purpose in our everyday lives? Absolutely, if we listen carefully to the messages that they bring.
What ghosts haunt your halls? Any skeletons shaking in your closets? This might be the perfect time of year for storytelling, relinquishing long-held secrets, solving family mysteries, or shedding shame and guilt for freedom and personal growth.
What’s in your closet?
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Posted on Sep 15, 2013
Funny how themes tend to show up in my practice now and then. Lately, it’s been the theme of attention as it relates to romantic relationships, couplehood, marriage.
It’s actually a theme that has me quite puzzled: women need attention to be satisfied in relationship. Now as a woman, it might be puzzling because females are socialized to value relationships; men to value money, prestige, sexual prowess. So it makes perfect sense to me that women need attention. We do, after all, give that to each other quite readily and easily—as well as the members of our families, and hopefully our partners.
Men, however, appear to be baffled by this need. Or how to meet it. Nothing they do ever seems good enough. Granted, these men are trying hard to make their wives happy. I give them credit for that. What I am missing is the disconnection about what their wives need in all that hard work—attention.
Women need to be attended to just as much as any other person of any age or gender on the planet. Is it because moms are so self-sacrificing that inadvertently the message is sent that women can take care of themselves, relationally speaking? Do parents not model reciprocated attentiveness? Just some questions that come to mind when I think about this vacuum created in our Western society. Begs the question, is it different in other cultures? Are males more attentive to females in intimate relationships elsewhere in the world?
Regardless, how do we address this significant shortcoming in our culture?
Maybe we need to begin by clarifying what we mean by “women need attention”—as in, take an interest in. When we were dating, we hung on each others every word, took notice of what was worn, what each other smelled like, where we went, what choices were made—in other words, paid close attention. We took an interest in our prospective mate. We wanted to know them, not just know the facts about them. We wanted to know what made them tick, how their inner world worked. How come that changes once a commitment is made and co-habitation begins?
Do we get lazy? Do roles change? Do we regress to childhood mentalities? Do our expectations change? How much is conscious? Are we “pre-programmed” by the dynamics of the families we grew up in? Is there hope to make a shift back to all-consuming attentiveness?
If we started to give undivided attention to our partner of either gender, what would change in the relationship? Would anything fall apart? Improve? What would happen to satisfaction levels? Does it require too much time? Energy? Effort? What gets in the way of paying attention to each other? Why do we stop, if we did it at all?
Just curious.
If you have any thoughts about women needing attention for relationships to be satisfying, feel free to post a comment or send me an email. I’d love to hear from you.
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