Posted on Feb 12, 2015
I recently finished reading the book Women Food and God by Geneen Roth (2010). A wonderful book in length and personable writing style. Easy to read and grasp. I like those kinds of books. Books that make me feel welcomed—even when the author is trying to drive home a point that is less than welcome. In this case, points about eating and my struggle with weight.
I’ll admit I have been a comfort eater most of my life. My weight has so frequently gone up and down that my body has the typical marks to show for it. It’s hard not to be judgmental towards oneself—especially with the media messages that women must be a certain size and shape to be attractive and lovable. No woman is immune to that. Even supermodels. Go figure.
And it’s not like I haven’t looked this particular monster in the face before—and won and lost to varying degrees. But Geneen got me thinking. She asked a question that I have switched from the plural ‘they’ to the first person: “If I gained ten pounds, if my arms didn’t look the way I wanted them to look, was I still myself?” (p. 68).
The next page goes on to say: “My body and I are one. There is nothing good about my body and therefore there is nothing good about me.” (p. 69, author’s italics)
These words got me thinking; and I had something of a breakthrough. I have come to realize that I am still me regardless of my size and shape. From my journal entry: “I am still an effective therapist. I am still kind, caring, compassionate, loving, smart, witty, brilliant…with an infectious sense of humour. My core values remain the same regardless of how much extra fat I carry around. And I’ve learned how to dress to hide it—look my best regardless of size.”
Now I don’t normally a) make confessions of this nature in my blog; b) quote myself from my own journal; and c) talk myself up like I did in this journal entry—just in case any of you think I might have a swelled head. 🙂 There, too, shows my disinclination toward positive self-talk. What if I come across as prideful? Or even worse: arrogant!? That just opened a whole other can of worms and content for another blog entry…
But it is challenging to affirm oneself without food if one cannot actually give themselves positive feedback. If I do not know myself for who I truly am, how can I live out loud, so-to-speak? If all I acknowledge are the worst bits about me, the pain, and the suffering, no wonder I am drawn to food to fill the void of where the good bits about me should be and to numb the negative feedback, the pain, and the suffering.
When I am eating, the happy brain chemicals, like dopamine, do their thing; and for that moment, I have a break from the worst bits, the pain, and the suffering. Only to come crashing back to reality. And reinforce the need to eat more to give myself another or a longer break.
Hence the breakthrough. I don’t need food or a better body to live authentically, fully. I can be fully me regardless of cravings, binges, dopamine rushes, and all the rest. I don’t need a different body to be kind and caring—and essentially myself. I do need to start taking care of myself in healthy ways. To be authentic means I must pay attention to the reasons I eat, and give myself the option not to eat, as well as be open to the good bits as well as the less-desirable bits.
All of that to say I am learning to let food be food, weight be weight, and me be me.
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Posted on Jan 15, 2015
This will be an unusual blog posting; but here goes…
Well, it has been a crazy ride since mid-September of 2014. One incident after another has kept me on me on my toes, primed for what could possibly be coming next. Here is an compilation of my Facebook posts to get you up to date.
September 2014
19–Bizarre day. Not even sure what to say about it. Still processing arriving upon the scene of an accident minutes after it happened and helping control traffic–except my parked truck with hazards flashing didn’t deter nearly enough people from driving around me and the scene of the accident! I left when the firemen said I was free to go. I’m still processing what I witnessed. I think I said that already…
22–Just a quick update that I got from a client today (not the person I offered to help at the scene). I don’t even know how to express this. The accident was a fatality as I suspected given the scene. The motorcyclist was on his way to his son’s wedding rehearsal. Coincidentally, the son & fiancée were at the same intersection. How tragic for the son to ID his dad’s body at the scene. The wedding took place the next day as planned. One of the guests was a friend of the client I saw today. Given what I was told at the scene, it is possible that the motorcyclist had a medical incident as a precursor to the collision as he wobbled on his bike and fell before he was struck by the vehicle behind him. How strange to reprocess the accident with a client today!
October
31–Truck to Dodge for servicing. Just a quick little rant about my visit to Olds/Mountain View Dodge yesterday. They were certainly in the Halloween Spirit. Quite the trick they played charging me $263 (plus change) to tell me they couldn’t reprogram my Central Timing Module that I had replaced, used, by a well-respected local mechanic shop. Really??? The used part cost less than their failed attempt to reprogram it! One hour of shop rate I could stomach–but a bunch of BS?!?! That’s expensive stuff! Back to the local guys for their 2 cents…
November
1–Apparently I have a new super-power–the ability to keep other dogs from barking while babies are sleeping inside. I was chastised today for not walking Elsa fast enough past a certain home this morning–as there was a baby in the house! I commented that I was working on it and that my dog was not the one barking. The dog in question also kept barking long after Elsa & I were out of sight. And I had just been thinking how proud I was of Elsa passing that particular house with very little incident! It used to be quite the scenario. She has been doing so well. If only that woman knew the whole story…mine & Elsa’s! Her comment still stings a little. But I’ll get over it. I was also proud of myself for speaking up for Elsa (& me)!
14–see November blog posting about returning to the dealership to have my bill cleared up.
Also in November Elsa took issue with a neighbour dog prompting the owner to say some very unkind things which triggered quite the trauma setback and a dysthymia dip for me. Days later, I was on my way to Calgary for a 3-day trauma & addictions conference where I met the presenter who offered me phone sessions. As well, I started a new drug at the end of the month.
In December I had my phone consultation with the trauma therapist and began to notice positive changes with my new medication. In the midst of all that, Christmas quietly came and went.
It is with huge relief that 2015 has arrived without much ta-do. I am looking forward to the many fresh starts the new year has yet to offer. So far so good. Nothing traumatic as of yet. Still on a healing journey. Meds continue to do their thing. On the right track…
May your 2015 be off to a fresh start with many blessings to encounter in the days ahead.
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Posted on Dec 20, 2014
WINTER, a sharp bitter day
the robin turns plump against the cold
the sun is week
silver faded from gold
he is late in his coming and short in his stay
Man, beast, bird and air all purging, all cleansing,
earth already purified awaits the rite of spring
Her bridal gown a virgin snow and frosts in her hair
A snowdrop by the road today bowed gracefully
and high upon the wing up in the sparkling nothingness,
a lone bird began to sing
Can gentle spring be far away?
~ Winter by Tommy Makem
I am always glad for the turning point in the year when the daylight returns. Even though these are considered the shortest days of the year, they feel like the longest–especially when the skies are overcast; and what daylight we do have is dim. This is a time to celebrate the changing of the seasons with brightly coloured lights strung upon evergreens. Life and Light continues even in the midst of bleak darkness.
This is also a season to clean out the darkest corners of our minds. This concept is sparked by a conversation yesterday about the reasons we have to face addictions (behaviour and chemical). We seldom do that for ourselves, but rather are motivated for some other reason—usually another living being or the risk of losing said being. We generally don’t have the self-worth to embark on such a hazardous journey for our Self.
The addictive behaviour or substance is what is for our own benefit—letting go of that coping strategy is for someone else. We weigh the risk of losing someone important to us, as heavier than the risk of losing what we think is holding us together, in order to salvage a relationship or lifestyle.
We might be about to lose a job or home—but that loss is tempered by what it will mean to others such as our families. It is one thing to create a homeless, jobless life for ourselves. It’s quite another to do that “to” people we truly care about. And sometimes we push away the people who care about us as we patch together some sort of life that supports our addiction of choice.
For me, I didn’t come face-to-face with the patches of my life until my dog, Gracie, died in March 2012. And I didn’t find the courage to face some of my many anxieties (especially social ones) until Elsa came along three months later. It quickly became apparent that to help Elsa with her anxieties, I’d have to face and deal with my own.
And as we have a few successes along the way of dealing with our patches, our coping strategies, we build the self-worth to tackle the hazards on our healing journey for our Self—when we finally get that we are worth the effort and want to make our own lives better.
Reminds me of Winter Solstice—we have to get through the darkest days in order to appreciate the new life Spring brings. May you find your own reasons to get through these darkest of days (and clean out the darkest corners) until we can awaken in the Spring.
“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.
Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”
~ Albert Schweitzer
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