August 2024: On the Cusp
As I read over the journal entries for the month of August, I’m not sure what to make of it. It has certainly been life changing, but not in the ways one usually thinks of – such as change in job or housing or relationship status. And I feel like I’m on the cusp of something phenomenal. It is a strange feeling – and reminds me of this time 29 years ago when I was about to meet my future husband.
While I didn’t feel like I was on the cusp of something about to happen, I was going through a time of change – re-evaluating many aspects of my life such as my job, housing, and relationship status as well as my faith. It struck me this morning that I was a human being having a religious/spiritual experience while now I consider myself a spiritual being having a human experience. However, I wasn’t in tune with my humanness – almost an ill-defined human. Now that I have become comfortable with my spirituality, I am better able to embrace my humanness. Back then, I wasn’t familiar with what it meant to be human – only a religious version of one.
The parallels between then and now continue to surprise me. However, I can guarantee I am not on the cusp of meeting a future husband. 😉 But a long-term relationship would be welcome. As mentioned in my previous blog, I have embarked on online dating. That has been a significant change in my life. And oddly, I was reading about my thoughts on relationships from 29 years ago – my framework was very limited, and I am grateful my understanding of relationships – and how to be in a relationship – has expanded. My online dating experience thus far has been mind blowing and disappointing. But both in good ways. It was a life-changing experience to have my attachment needs for attention and affection met as well as to set firm boundaries when things became sketchy. I know what I want and what I’m not willing to accommodate to have those needs met.
Another life changing experience was spending 8 days with my sister who came by train from Alberta. We tend to enjoy each other’s company; and we got to explore a bit more of the region I live in. One item has been checked off my bucket list/vision board – a circular road trip from my place through Nopiming Provincial Park and back home again. It was an adventure driving on gravel roads – some sections well-maintained while others certainly left much to be desired – but I got to drive it without any ‘back seat driving’ from my travel companions. In my marriage, it is unlikely I would’ve gotten to drive any of that route; and if I had, a running commentary would have made it unbearable. It is hard for me to explain or describe the freedom of driving my trusty steed, Monty – trusting both my driving abilities and my vehicle.
Also mentioned previously was having my dog, Abbie, become an emotional support dog – which has proved invaluable even if not for the original intended purpose of attending a court date for a traffic ticket – that was thankfully resolved over the phone. Once again, the Universe has guided me to make changes in my life with far-reaching, unanticipated benefits. Abbie joined me on the first two dates as well as many other places such as the train station to pick up and drop off my sister. While not always convenient, she does keep me from overthinking situations thus preventing my anxiety from getting the better of me. She also helps me to feel safe and less alone. While I don’t like admitting I may need accommodations, I have appreciated the difference Abbie’s presence makes upon my well-being in a vast array of settings. She also enjoys being able to go places otherwise not open to her. An added benefit is the joy and support she brings to others when she is out and about with me.
So, in many ways, these experiences have all been self-affirming: online dating, mini road tripping with my sister, having an emotional support dog. I do feel more confident and more in tune with my own Self – things I did not have back in August of 1995. It saddens me to think of what she thought was true about herself and what was required of her to be in a relationship. Trauma bonds were all she knew and expected – to give in order to have a chance at having her needs met. Always accommodating the other person, seldom having it reciprocated. It saddens me even more to realize I had the same relationship dynamic with God. I am so very grateful that my understanding of the Divine Presence has also expanded in such a way that I can embrace my humanness and how to be in a relationship with another person.
I am also extremely relieved to have my mental and physical health issues identified and addressed. It has truly made a world of a difference. What a turn-around – from living in ignorance and harmful ideology to accommodations and sense of well-being. It only took well over 30 years; but hey – whose counting? 😊 One never knows where the healing journey is going to take them. It hasn’t escaped my notice that summer is also on the cusp of turning into fall. A time of transition. Remain open and observant, my friends, and see where the journey takes you next!