Posted on Feb 16, 2013
As I came up with the title for this blog entry, I was humored by the double meaning or imagery generated by those two words. On one hand, I imagined battle tanks wreaking havoc in the name of love. A bit of an oxymoron, but with a ring of truth to it. On the other hand, picture vessels intended to store love—like in a warehouse, or like rain barrels capturing droplets of love. Neither image is particularly healthy.
The concept of love tanks in reference to relationships has been around for a couple of decades when co-dependency was ‘the’ hot topic in the world of therapy. It has been finessed and nuanced in several ways over the years as therapy models evolve. Now it is more common to hear about emotional bank accounts.
However, as I have mulled this over lately, it occurred to me that the idea of transferring and storing love still has (co)dependency at its roots. If you do this for me, my love tank will be fuller therefore I will be better able to fill your love tank. And if parents are keeping each other’s love tanks full, there will be a source for filling children’s love tanks. The argument goes that when the parents fail to fill each other, role reversal results when parents begin to rely on their children for filling their love tanks—causing developmental disruptions for the children.
Now there is, of course, a grain of truth in all that sand. Healthy family relationships and human development do depend upon a healthy parent partnership. But a healthy partnership depends on healthy self-awareness or sense of self—not solely on give-and-take. We cannot give to other people what we do not already have within ourselves. And yes, role reversal is a risk when there is not a healthy balance of love/nurturance within families.
The love tank concept also sounded unfair to me. What of all the single people in this world? Are they doomed to a life devoid of love if they do not have a partner to keep their love tank full? How do other relationships factor into our sense of being loved and lovable? And therein I found my nugget. It is crucial to have, as part of our sense of self, a sense of being loved and lovable—even when the evidence is not forthcoming in romantic ways, or parental ways, or sibling ways, etc. etc.
Now, here is the catch 22—it is very difficult to incorporate into our sense of self that sense of being loved and lovable (or accepted and acceptable), if we have not actually experienced being loved/accepted. When we grow up feeling unloved and uncared for, the only way our child-minds can make sense of that is to develop the explanation of being unlovable. This takes hard work to ‘undo.’ It is very difficult to retrain our brains from being convinced that we are unloved and unlovable to being a person who is loved and lovable. However, the effort is worth it.
Find out for yourselves. May you experience a shift in your sense of self to include a sense of being loved/accepted and lovable/acceptable (evidence notwithstanding)—and see what happens.
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Posted on Jan 15, 2013
So, I’ve decided to start this year’s blogging with an entry about intimacy—of which, a vital part is sex. Not sure what I want to say, but the idea sprouted from a phrase I found myself repeating in sessions last year and from some of the reading I have done recently, and not so recently.
In one of those broad over-generalizations, it could be said that women need emotional connection for sex, and men need sex for emotional connection. This can create quite a disappointing and disruptive circle. Men feeling personally rejected when turned down for sex are not so inclined to connect emotionally with their partners. For many men, the lack of sex breaks the connection. And women, not getting the emotional connection, are less interested in sex and at a loss how to reconnect. One of those conundrums of life. So how does a couple break this pattern?
For starters, a conversation is in order. For some reason, in this Western culture, men and women do not talk about having sex with each other. Which may also be the case in same-sex couples. There is a cultural assumption that sex will ‘just happen.’ That each partner will ‘just know’ what the other wants or needs. The other term for this is ‘mind reading.’ I have yet to meet a couple who are adept at this. They are also often surprised when I suggest they have a conversation about sex (at home, in private—not necessarily in my office).
There are several factors to consider when it comes to sex. A critical one is difference in libido levels. Having a conversation about this can go a long way in negotiating mutually satisfying sexual encounters.
The partner with the lower sex drive needs to consider what sex means to their higher libido partner. And the partner with the higher sex drives needs to hear what the lower libido partner needs in order to ‘get in the mood.’ If it means help with the dishes, then help with the dishes. What a better way to flirt with each other than over a sudsy sink of dirty dishes! This one-on-one time can also enhance emotional connection as it provides an opportunity to check in with each other—give each other a few moments of undivided attention—provided the kids and/or pets don’t interrupt a thousand times.
Doing a chore together can also be an opportunity to have a conversation about what makes your partner feel loved. You might be surprised by what you hear. The simplest things in life can make the biggest impact. The key to this conversation is being specific. A generic statement such as ‘when you’re nice to me’ doesn’t give your partner much to work with. And if you cannot answer that question, be willing to experiment! Come up with a game plan to try different ways to say “I love you. You are important to me,” and see what works and what falls flat. You might find that just having these conversations are enough to kick start the emotional connection that is so central to intimacy.
In this culture, we often get confused by what it means to treasure the ones we love. Connection is the treasure. Not the other person. Although something can be said for being/ feeling treasured, that isn’t going to come about in healthy ways without connection. If the focus is on being treated as a treasure, then we cease to be human beings and become objects. In the process of treasuring the connection, both partners will feel treasured. Feeling treasured comes about by protecting and nurturing the shared connection. Now that’s a circle that can be fulfilling and sustaining.
Author, Kelly McDaniel, makes a great statement in her book Ready to Heal: “Sex, like food, is meant to be sustaining and nourishing. Eating and making love are also both designed for pleasure” (2012, p. 89). Sometimes in the demands of the daily grind, we forget (or we never learned) that we are multifaceted creatures—including sexuality. In therapeutic terms, we are bio-psycho-social-spiritual-sexual beings. Having a sexual awareness of ourselves is critical to being able to ask for what we need from our partners. Or what that means when we are without a partner.
Of course, a lot more can be said about sex and sexuality. This is just an introduction to some ideas. As you continue on your journey, may you become aware and accepting of who you are in all the intricate ways of being human.
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Posted on Dec 21, 2012
“It is as if nature pauses to take a moment of silence,
softly wishing for peace on earth.”
~unknown
Once again it is time to consider the end of one year and the approach of another, to celebrate the lengthening of days and dream about spring’s coming arrival.
And in amongst those ponderings is the flurry of activity that usually accompanies this time of year.
It is a time of feasting and fellowship, friends and family, laughter and tears. There is no segment of our lives that is untouched by sorrow. Fortunately, the opposite is also true. Happiness and contentment can find us at any moment.
As you face the close of 2012 and prepare for 2013, may it be with hope and peace. May healing and wellness be just around the next corner wherever our journeys take us.
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