Posted on Feb 16, 2017
In December’s blog, I opened the discourse about sexual assault. And in that blog, I introduced the idea of the messages we receive about what it means to be a sexual being.
We are bombarded with social images and concepts about what it means to be sexual with the opposite sex. Standards are set. Often there are competing and conflicting standards from media, parents and family, peers, institutions, religious convictions, etc. Fairly new on the scene is the concept of a spectrum for sexuality and gender. Not everyone fits conveniently into a heterosexual box or even a male-female polarization. And if you happen to be one of those people who is not easily “defined” by sexual standards or gender boxes, it can be very confusing and even complicated. Other issues surface including sense of self, victimization and abuse, exclusion, isolation, defamation, equality, and the list goes on.
Sexuality is deeply personal. It is not as simple as checking off a box, joining a certain group. It is tied to our very essence—our soul. How we see ourselves is impacted by the messages we receive about what it means to be a man or a woman (which can be very limiting) and what it means to engage in sexual experiences. In order to embrace who we are as individual persons, we have to set aside gender at the same time as honour the bodies that our essence comes in. In my utopia, people will learn what it means to be fellow (as in equal) human beings (without prejudicial labels) before stepping onto the trampoline of gender and sexuality. However, we are not there yet. Not even close. It is a different conceptualization to consider humanity at the core with gender and sexuality as expressions of a unique person—having no bearing on their value or ability to contribute to communal life on this planet.
So we have two things held in tension: gender and sexuality along with equality; which is a whole other discussion that I may take on in a future blog. And once again, I went in a direction different than intended; so let’s get back to what was initially on my mind: what we believe it means to be a sexual being, and what we believe about the act of sex itself.
Each sexual encounter can hold different meanings. There is the physical release (including all those bonding hormones that can make it a wonderfully satisfying experience; but for some, the focus is the adrenaline rush, not intimacy). There can also be a spiritual connection, when we invite that to be a part of it. And there is the intense confusion when the physical release by the body, naturally responding as it does to stimulation, is combined with manipulation and control. There is also the mental shut down (dissociation) that prevents a person from having any positive associations with sex or blocks unpleasant sexual experiences. Definitely not one-size-fits-all.
As for beliefs about personal female sexuality, one author* has broken it down to four basic cultural beliefs:
1) I must be good to be worthy of love.
2) I am not really a woman unless someone desires me sexually or romantically.
3) If I am sexual, I am bad.
4) I must be sexual to be lovable.
None of these internalized messages are healthy perceptions of oneself as a sexual being. They are reflections of an externally-based sense of self: how others perceive me influences my worth or value. Human value is innate. Everyone has the Breath of Life. It is not determined by external forces such as money, power, actions, acquisitions, attention, accolades, or achievements. No one person is more valuable than the next. We may do different things with our unique lives, but one’s choices do not determine one’s value. Our choices determine the trajectory of our lives. Our choices give expression to our human uniqueness. And the choices of others do not have any bearing on our value—maybe what happens to us, but not our core value.
Seeing ourselves as worthy of love and respect from the inside generates a different way of being in the world—including how we express our sexuality. Our sexuality is not about proving a point, earning approval, fulfilling obligations, performing a duty, or serving another person. It is not about inferiority or superiority. We need to reclaim our sexuality from the harmful internalized messages. It is part of being human, not a means to an end.
On my healing journey, I’ve had to reclaim my sexuality as being part of who I am, not a right or duty or something to be denied, hidden. I have had to untangle the conflicting messages I was fed. Sex isn’t bad. Being good doesn’t mean not having sex. I don’t have to be “good” (non-sexual) to be worthy of love. Nor do I have to be sexual (“bad”) to be lovable. A man’s attention does not validate me as a woman. I do not need to be desired to be female or even a person of worth and value. I am a person in my own right—it is not dependent upon how others see me or treat me.
My personal choices are a way to express my sexuality on my own terms and within my own boundaries. It is not something to be taken advantage of, violated, or exploited. I must also respect the boundaries of others and be mindful of how my choices may be received by others. Being a whole (integrated) human being in our society is not black and white. It is not a matter of right or wrong. It requires being respectful of ourselves and others. It is a delicate dance that requires we pay attention to subtle shifts in body language, the words people say, and what remains unsaid.
Sexuality is first and foremost about respect, with safety and security a close second. It is about setting boundaries as well as honouring boundaries. It is about understanding innate worth and value. It is not about defining ourselves to fit social standards but about understanding who we are at our very core.
May your journey of self-discovery include what it means to be the person you are in the package that you come in. Namaste: The Spirit within me salutes the Spirit in you.
*Ready to Heal: Break Free of Addictive Relationships by Kelly McDaniel (2012), pp. 73-8.
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Posted on Sep 15, 2013
Funny how themes tend to show up in my practice now and then. Lately, it’s been the theme of attention as it relates to romantic relationships, couplehood, marriage.
It’s actually a theme that has me quite puzzled: women need attention to be satisfied in relationship. Now as a woman, it might be puzzling because females are socialized to value relationships; men to value money, prestige, sexual prowess. So it makes perfect sense to me that women need attention. We do, after all, give that to each other quite readily and easily—as well as the members of our families, and hopefully our partners.
Men, however, appear to be baffled by this need. Or how to meet it. Nothing they do ever seems good enough. Granted, these men are trying hard to make their wives happy. I give them credit for that. What I am missing is the disconnection about what their wives need in all that hard work—attention.
Women need to be attended to just as much as any other person of any age or gender on the planet. Is it because moms are so self-sacrificing that inadvertently the message is sent that women can take care of themselves, relationally speaking? Do parents not model reciprocated attentiveness? Just some questions that come to mind when I think about this vacuum created in our Western society. Begs the question, is it different in other cultures? Are males more attentive to females in intimate relationships elsewhere in the world?
Regardless, how do we address this significant shortcoming in our culture?
Maybe we need to begin by clarifying what we mean by “women need attention”—as in, take an interest in. When we were dating, we hung on each others every word, took notice of what was worn, what each other smelled like, where we went, what choices were made—in other words, paid close attention. We took an interest in our prospective mate. We wanted to know them, not just know the facts about them. We wanted to know what made them tick, how their inner world worked. How come that changes once a commitment is made and co-habitation begins?
Do we get lazy? Do roles change? Do we regress to childhood mentalities? Do our expectations change? How much is conscious? Are we “pre-programmed” by the dynamics of the families we grew up in? Is there hope to make a shift back to all-consuming attentiveness?
If we started to give undivided attention to our partner of either gender, what would change in the relationship? Would anything fall apart? Improve? What would happen to satisfaction levels? Does it require too much time? Energy? Effort? What gets in the way of paying attention to each other? Why do we stop, if we did it at all?
Just curious.
If you have any thoughts about women needing attention for relationships to be satisfying, feel free to post a comment or send me an email. I’d love to hear from you.
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Posted on Jan 15, 2013
So, I’ve decided to start this year’s blogging with an entry about intimacy—of which, a vital part is sex. Not sure what I want to say, but the idea sprouted from a phrase I found myself repeating in sessions last year and from some of the reading I have done recently, and not so recently.
In one of those broad over-generalizations, it could be said that women need emotional connection for sex, and men need sex for emotional connection. This can create quite a disappointing and disruptive circle. Men feeling personally rejected when turned down for sex are not so inclined to connect emotionally with their partners. For many men, the lack of sex breaks the connection. And women, not getting the emotional connection, are less interested in sex and at a loss how to reconnect. One of those conundrums of life. So how does a couple break this pattern?
For starters, a conversation is in order. For some reason, in this Western culture, men and women do not talk about having sex with each other. Which may also be the case in same-sex couples. There is a cultural assumption that sex will ‘just happen.’ That each partner will ‘just know’ what the other wants or needs. The other term for this is ‘mind reading.’ I have yet to meet a couple who are adept at this. They are also often surprised when I suggest they have a conversation about sex (at home, in private—not necessarily in my office).
There are several factors to consider when it comes to sex. A critical one is difference in libido levels. Having a conversation about this can go a long way in negotiating mutually satisfying sexual encounters.
The partner with the lower sex drive needs to consider what sex means to their higher libido partner. And the partner with the higher sex drives needs to hear what the lower libido partner needs in order to ‘get in the mood.’ If it means help with the dishes, then help with the dishes. What a better way to flirt with each other than over a sudsy sink of dirty dishes! This one-on-one time can also enhance emotional connection as it provides an opportunity to check in with each other—give each other a few moments of undivided attention—provided the kids and/or pets don’t interrupt a thousand times.
Doing a chore together can also be an opportunity to have a conversation about what makes your partner feel loved. You might be surprised by what you hear. The simplest things in life can make the biggest impact. The key to this conversation is being specific. A generic statement such as ‘when you’re nice to me’ doesn’t give your partner much to work with. And if you cannot answer that question, be willing to experiment! Come up with a game plan to try different ways to say “I love you. You are important to me,” and see what works and what falls flat. You might find that just having these conversations are enough to kick start the emotional connection that is so central to intimacy.
In this culture, we often get confused by what it means to treasure the ones we love. Connection is the treasure. Not the other person. Although something can be said for being/ feeling treasured, that isn’t going to come about in healthy ways without connection. If the focus is on being treated as a treasure, then we cease to be human beings and become objects. In the process of treasuring the connection, both partners will feel treasured. Feeling treasured comes about by protecting and nurturing the shared connection. Now that’s a circle that can be fulfilling and sustaining.
Author, Kelly McDaniel, makes a great statement in her book Ready to Heal: “Sex, like food, is meant to be sustaining and nourishing. Eating and making love are also both designed for pleasure” (2012, p. 89). Sometimes in the demands of the daily grind, we forget (or we never learned) that we are multifaceted creatures—including sexuality. In therapeutic terms, we are bio-psycho-social-spiritual-sexual beings. Having a sexual awareness of ourselves is critical to being able to ask for what we need from our partners. Or what that means when we are without a partner.
Of course, a lot more can be said about sex and sexuality. This is just an introduction to some ideas. As you continue on your journey, may you become aware and accepting of who you are in all the intricate ways of being human.
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