Posted on Aug 15, 2011
Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will.
~ James Stephens
This thing about curiosity and fear came home for me while travelling recently. I have a love-hate relationship with bears. I admire and greatly respect these marvelous creatures; but I am terrified of them. Even though I have been arming myself with information to counter the baseless fears —and they are baseless, for I personally have never had a negative encounter with a bear—I am still prone to anxiety and panic attacks when I even suspect I might be in the vicinity of a member of the Ursus family.
Somehow I have bought into the belief that bears are dangerous and ‘out to get me’ when really they couldn’t care less about my existence—except for certain circumstances that make total sense—like interfering with their food source (i.e. trails along berry patches), or getting into their personal space, or too close to their offspring. People aren’t so different. We don’t do so well either when people or animals mess with our food, our personal space, or our dependants (be they children or pets).
In one of those twists of paradox, communication break-downs among people are common and expected. For some reason, we have higher expectations of inter-special communication and greatly resent when the animal kingdom impinges upon people-dom. We think drastic measures have to be taken to get our point across—even though some basic prevention—i.e. communication about boundaries—would have done the trick.
Bears are quite clear about boundary crossings. They send messages that are often misunderstood as aggression, when really, it’s about ‘get out of my space.’ Usually because we missed the subtler signs. People are no different. We miss the signs all the time. Or we are not very clear and let things get out of hand until ‘somebody blows.’
So even though I have gleaned plenty of useful, practical knowledge about safe bear-people interactions, the fear persists. To use the curious approach to address my fear, it then begs the question: Where did this irrational fear come from? Even more importantly, what does this fear say about me? Do I want to keep believing that about myself? Or do I want to start thinking in terms of empowering myself to handle tense situations rather than elicit the flight response—for running is not always the best option.
To be curious, gives me time to think things through rather than spiral out of control. And with bears, there is time to think—particularly when I stop to listen to what they are communicating in their language. In this case, knowledge is power. I can use that knowledge to defuse the threat. For often there is no threat—just an imaginative mind on overdrive.
So being curious about my fear of bears, is really about getting curious about myself. And being patient with myself as I unlearn the old beliefs and relearn new coping skills. I won’t get it ‘just right’ with my next bear encounter—but I will get better—building on each experience until one day I will ask myself, What bear phobia? Experience has taught me that much already.
What fear might you tackle next with curiosity? Bears may not be on your horizon, but how about public speaking? Or crowded rooms? Or a sensitive discussion that needs to happen? How might getting curious about your anxiety help you to move forward?
What beliefs are lurking in your closet that could use some exposure—or airing out—with a healthy dose of curiosity?
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Posted on Jul 15, 2011
Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will.
~ James Stephens
Lately, I have been writing about The Void—now thought of as Spaciousness. In the same conversation that resulted in reframing The Void as spaciousness, we also talked about those inner voices that seem to haunt us—and are louder and more persistent than anything we supposedly think up for ourselves.
We remember being called stupid, or fat, or any other label for ‘less than.’ And any time we try to tell ourselves otherwise, that label clamors and grows more insistent. This makes for very hard therapeutic work when we try to exchange internalized negative messages with positive ones. And usually some progress can be made. We do grow more confidant in believing the positive self-talk and in refuting the negative internalized messages—that may feel true but are not true.
In a sense, we have to choose not to believe them anymore. We come to the conclusion that they no longer serve a purpose, they are not helping us. If it is not helping, why do we ‘go there’ in our minds? It seems we have to first put aside these labels (or beliefs) in order to move forward—to finally believe we are worth the effort.
But I digress. Back to where curiosity fits in. Some of my inner voices were getting rather rowdy—it was hard to think straight over the din—and I was getting frustrated trying to shush them up and bring some gentler, kinder voices into the mix. You know, the ones considered party-poopers by those rambunctious trouble makers. And rather than fight them, it was suggested to me to get curious about them. Why are they ‘in there’ the first place? What prompted them to party a little harder just then? That sort of thing.
In general terms, I know where these rabble-rousing negative messages come from. Most of us could tell similar stories of parents, or siblings, or classmates who said or did things that left indelible marks. We internalize this stuff to be true. As we mature, we usually encounter opportunities that test the ‘trueness’ of the statements we have internalized. While we all have our ‘less-than-optimal’ moments, we also all have our moments of brilliance, of strength, of beauty, of contribution, of appreciation.
What we need to get curious about is what prompts all this negative self-perception. A misspoken word, a certain look, a sequence of events can all act as triggers. And we remember. It brings up all that old messaging. Time for those gentler, kinder voices to get a little louder and remind ourselves that we are not still 10—or whatever age—and not in the same situation. It may feel like we are in it all over again; but it is good to remind ourselves that we are in a new moment in the present. We can choose a different response. We can choose to think differently.
This is where curiosity conquers fear, or anxiety, even better than bravery. When we get curious, we ask questions rather than fight to the final breath. And last I checked, the point of this whole ‘get up’ is to make the most of every breath we take. To be more mindful.
Giving ourselves time to be curious also allows us to ask ourselves, What do I need? Do I need to beat myself up at this particular moment? Or do I need to care for myself on a deeper level? What would that caring look like? If you are reminded of a past moment, what would you have liked to receive at the time of the insult or injury? Can you give that to yourself now?
As you get curious about what ‘gets under your skin,’ may you find rest from the rabble-rousers of your mind.
Stay tuned for next month when I relate this bit about curiosity and fear as it relates to my phobia of bears…
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Posted on Jun 14, 2011
Last month I mentioned The Void. I’m fairly confident that most of us are familiar with our own Voids. Mine seems to take on the shape, colour, and characteristics of an astronomical Black Hole. For others, it might appear as a barren wasteland or a stagnant lagoon. At any rate, it is that unseen force that seems to suck the life right out of us, drain us dry, paint life with a hopeless brush, stagnate rather than stimulate. Life may seem empty and pointless. We tend to want to fill that void or aerate that wilderness in order not to feel the vastness, the emptiness, the aridness, the stagnation.
Since then, it has come to my attention that The Void may not be a vacuous Black Hole after all. I have already mentioned that we can accept The Void and choose not to fill it. My journey now takes that conclusion one step (or spiral) further—or in another direction depending on how your journey make look. Journeys tend not to be linear progressions.
The word we are looking for is Spaciousness. Once I have accepted and allow for the existence of The Void, it provides an opportunity to look at it from another angle. From this new vantage point, the void appears expansive, limitless, open to infinite possibilities. Does this make you think of any other time in history when seemingly nothing begat something? For the person who shared this idea of spaciousness with me, it reminded him of God creating something out of nothing. I like that association. Even for those who hold to the Big Bang Theory—something still came out of nothing. Viewing the ‘negative space’ of my existence as opportunity-for-explosion is rather exciting—and hopeful—don’t you think?
There may yet come something out of my nothing. It may be influenced by a Creative Presence or self-combustion. Either way, change is inevitable. My Void or Spaciousness will not look or feel the same. Reminds me of art class and learning the value of ‘negative space’—and how good use of negative space enhances the focal point rather than detracts from it. That’s what I want for my ‘negative space’—for it to enhance what is already taking shape or forming in the innermost of my being. Who knows what will burst forth next?
What might be brewing or fomenting in the hidden regions of your being? Any explosions worth mentioning? Might be a good idea not to mess with it. No use filling that emptiness with stuff that might inhibit a process already underway. Rather, take a step back and appreciate the view. That Black Hole might turn out to be a galaxy of stars sparkling in a deep night sky.
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Posted on May 16, 2011
I had other ideas in mind for May’s blog, prompted by last month’s Royal Wedding. However, recent events have me thinking along different lines.
Such as: life is paradox. We are constantly faced with pain and pleasure, joy and sorrow, grief and encouragement—simultaneously. By that I mean, life does not usually consist of first experiencing a down followed by the relief of an up. Unless, of course, a person struggles with bi-polar disorder which involves swinging between extreme highs and lows.
I am thinking of how on a beautiful day a person can receive devastating news of loss—of home, loved one, income. Or on the crummiest of weather days, a person can receive exceptional news of promotion, expectation, or acquisition which suddenly deems the cloudy skies irrelevant.
It seems, more often than not, life hands us variety rather than all-or-nothing. Exhaustion follows a lovely weekend in the Rocky Mountains. However, exhaustion is mere inconvenience compared to the devastation of flood or forest fire. My home is intact. I have not lost everything even if my health is less than optimal.
One of my worst fears is losing everything in a fire. There is no replacing the mementos of a life time of experiences. The photos, trinkets, and symbols of achievements, vacations, and relationships are gone. Permanently. However, if I live to tell about the fire, there is opportunity to make more memories and collect new treasures while grieving the loss of the former life mementos.
If a flood washes away my life as I know it, there is opportunity to make an even better one. I can hopefully find refuge in family and friends. I will not be alone in my loss or in the rebuilding of a life—as tragic and disabling as that may be initially.
Life happens in all its pathos and celebration. I want to be spared the heaviness of ‘real life;’ but then, that would require missing out on compassion, grace, mercy, loving kindness—all offered to me in my time of grief and rebuilding. I could not in return connect with others in their own distress—if we could somehow find the magic wand that not only relieves suffering but prevents it. Another paradox. For without pathos, we as human beings could not live out our true potential to love and care for one another. Our true purpose for living.
We miss so much of life by focusing exclusively on the pursuit of happiness. For it is, after all, only a pursuit—and only a part of life. This past weekend I heard a beautiful definition of the abundant life—to be fully awake and fully alive—whether that be in a time of affliction or affluence. I know for myself, I tend to ‘zone out’ to adversity—I want to be anything but awake and alive. But without the pruning and the manure, trees cannot produce and thrive.
In this paradox of life, we cannot have one without the other despite our efforts to drown our sorrows or eat our troubles away. In yet another paradox, for me to be fully awake and fully alive starts with acknowledging ‘The Void’ and granting myself permission not to fill it with food, or television, or work, or mood altering substances. The Void just is part of life. Oddly enough, it is very liberating to live with The Void without the constant effort to fill it.
My next step will be to take a look at what The Void is telling me about me—and what is interfering with being fully awake and fully alive—regardless of what life throws at me.
To end, my thoughts are with those facing devastating loss and are facing the gargantuan task of rebuilding shattered lives. My fatigue today is nothing compared to that. The weather, while fickle, is life giving. So today, I hold in my heart, gratitude for what is in my life and grief for those amidst adversity. And thankfully, my heart is capable of holding both simultaneously.
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Posted on Apr 15, 2011
Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn’t people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them?
~Rose F. Kennedy
The middle of April has snuck up on me. Wish spring would do the same. Snow, snow, and more snow. While generally I am a fan of the fluffy, white stuff, this year I’m ready to cancel my club membership.
However, last evening I had a lesson from the birds. As we drove through the countryside, we witnessed puddle after puddle crowded with aquatic fowl. It always captures my heart and mind when I see Mallard Ducks and Canada Geese gathering together while stopping for the night on their migratory journeys.
And what a better way to pause from shoveling snow, then to stop and listen to birds sing?
Our current residence is without trees, bird feeder, and birds. It is very quiet. However, last night we had to check on our former property and shovel the snow so the new owners could gain access. This location backed onto a treed green space. With the mix of new snowfall and melt water, the low spots were full of water—and birds. So were the trees and overhead wires. The birds were happily singing. And what was I doing in similar conditions? Not singing, that’s for sure.
Here it is the middle of April. The birds are on their annual quest for their summer homes. And what do they encounter? Winter weather. What they left to escape back in the fall. Their usual food sources and nesting areas are obscured by frozen precipitation. Yet they sing. The beauty of their communal song made the gentle snowfall of earlier in the day appear like a violent storm in contrast.
My life certainly has not been interrupted or inconvenienced to the extent of these wild beings. Yet I grumble while they sing. Amazing. It was indeed calming to stand still, watch, listen, and learn in the company of these accommodating creatures.
So I gained a few things from my feathered friends: 1) Calm; 2) Meditation; 3) Entertainment; 4) Perspective. I am exceedingly grateful for the moments I claimed as my own to appreciate my fellow travelling companions. While our journeys differ, we can enhance each other’s experience along the way.
A bittersweet moment. I will miss not having the birds around to soothe, entertain, and teach me. If only the snow would melt and the sun shine so that I could plant a tree, hang a bird feeder, and await their arrival.
What moment can you claim as your own to contemplate, find calm, and regain perspective?
“I want to sing like the birds sing—not worrying about who hears or what they think.”
~ Rumi
“Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.”
~ Henry Van Dyke
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Posted on Mar 15, 2011
May your day be touched by a bit of Irish luck, brightened by a song in your heart, and warmed by the smiles of the people you love.
~Irish Blessing
Diversions in the middle of the month can be a good thing—such as St. Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s Day. So I thought I would look into St. Patrick’s Day a bit more. Maybe delve a little deeper into the Celtic way of life.
My glimpse into Wikipedia revealed that St. Patrick’s Day began as a religious Catholic holiday which has since morphed into a celebration of Irish culture. Also of interest, shamrocks are affiliated with St. Patrick as he used the leaves of this plant to teach about the Holy Trinity. There is also a political history to the “Wearing of the Green.” No mention of ridding the island of snakes—which is stuck in a cobwebbed corner of my mind.
The background story is that St Patrick originally went to Ireland as a captive in his teen years. When he returned home, he became a priest and eventually found his way back to Ireland to Christianize the pagans.
Regardless of how we feel about converting others to our religion (proselytizing), it must have taken a special moment in Patrick’s life to decide to return to the scene of his captivity with relatively good intentions instead of revenge. I don’t know how he was treated in Ireland as a captive; but I’m sure he was faced with moments of resentment and bitterness being kept apart from his family and home as a fairly young lad.
As rich and full as the Celtic heritage is, Patrick very likely played a significant role in their spiritual development—evident by the Christian influence upon the re-interpretation of Celtic symbols. So while appreciating the Irish culture come March 17th, maybe give a thought or two to the people who have played a role in your own spiritual development. If considering the spiritual angle of your life is new to you, a start might be to reflect upon what it would be like to believe in something so strongly you are willing to face your former captors with a message of hope and renewal.
Another idea to break the monotony of March by observing St. Patrick’s day is to consider some of the Celtic symbols and how they can enhance your own life—such as the Triangle Knot keeping us mindful of the interconnectedness of life. The three points can symbolize a variety of relationships: earth-sea-sky, Father-Son-Spirit, earth-wind-fire, mother-father-child, past-present-future, love-truth-wisdom, mind-body-spirit, maiden-mother-crone. The interlacing or continual looping of the various Celtic knots also symbolizes eternity or the circle of life. http://www.celticcolours.com/the-celtic-knot.aspx & http://www.whats-your-sign.com/celtic-symbol-for-trinity.html
The Celtic Cross is another example of the rich symbolism. It’s uniqueness is found in the blending of two belief systems with a Druid circle around the centre of a Latin straight cross.
“It was said that St. Patrick was told of a great stone that the Druids worshiped that was of circular shape. St. Patrick drew a Latin cross through the stone shape circle to bless it, trying to relate to their symbols of their belief to draw them to Christianity. This was the first recorded Celtic Cross. The circle today represents no beginning and no end (eternal life) and to others the circle represents the sun. The Celtic Cross has become a large representation of Irish culture and history. It is worn by many as a symbol of their culture and their faith…” http://www.celticcolours.com/thecelticcross.aspx
And one of the best ways to observe St Patrick’s Day is with a traditional Irish Blessing or two—or observe the custom by sharing a blessing of your own. As the middle of March is upon us, may you be blessed with hope and renewal as March finds its way into the warmth of spring and new beginnings.
May the blessing of light be on you—light without and light within. May the blessed sunlight shine on you and warm your heart till it glows like a great peat fire.
~Old Celtic Blessing
May love and laughter light your days, and warm your heart and home.
May good and faithful friends be yours, wherever you may roam.
May peace and plenty bless your world with joy that long endures.
May all life’s passing seasons bring the best to you and yours!
~Old Irish Blessing
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