February has been an interesting month for me. I didn’t review the entire month’s journalling; but a theme surfaced none-the-less – that of shedding an old skin. Not sure how to unpack that, but we’ll see how this goes. I find it interesting that the beginning of the month marked the start of the Chinese Year of the Snake – a time of shedding the old, renewal & rebirth, energy shifts, deeper intuitive capacities, among other things (credit: Rewilding For Women). Spirit Daughter posted the year of the snake as “a time of rebirth, renewal, and transformation. The snake represents the death of all that doesn’t serve you so you can be reborn into a frequency that resonates with your soul.” While I didn’t know what this meant for me at the beginning of the month, it has become clearer as the month progressed.
Sparing you the details, I had two significant triggers this month in quick succession. I barely had the one sorted out before I was hit with another – albeit entirely different in nature. What makes this a challenge to unpack for you is that the person who triggered my trigger will likely be reading this – so I have to choose my words very carefully. As many of you know, I prefer the direct approach; but sometimes tact and diplomacy are called for – which means digging through old mental files of business communication and not just transcribing from my journal. 😊
Brief context: my bestest buddy, who is also my second cousin, attended the funeral of a mutual relative – technically a closer relation to me biologically, but not necessarily in familiarity. Hence, one of my cousins commented to this shared relative about my absence and, among her other various comments, noted that she was ‘concerned’ about me given what I had been writing in my blog. While this may seem innocuous to the casual observer, that ‘concern’ was the trigger word as it always comes with the implication that there is something not quite right with Barb. It’s hard to explain this given it is an emotional and body memory stored over decades of growing up in this extended family. To complicate matters, my subconscious was still processing this trigger two nights later in a very strange dream.
It is a family pattern to talk about others rather than directly to the member that is the subject of ‘concern.’ Sometimes word gets back to the member who is the subject of discussion, most times not. It is also possible to overhear conversations at gatherings. On occasion, these comments of ‘concern’ were made directly to me as a teenager – but with an indirect message. I definitely got the impression it was my responsibility to reassure the concerned family member rather than be the recipient of any actual assistance. The implied message was two-fold: there is something wrong with me; and I’d better not turn out “crazy” like my birth mother.
The irony is that I was born “crazy” like my mother in that we have shared mental health diagnoses (at least one with a genetic component). The difference is that there are two decades between our diagnoses (some of which have been inaccurate – for both of us) and hence treatment options. Of no credit to my family (extended or immediate), I did receive self-directed help via various channels since my mid-twenties – and accurate diagnoses have trickled into my lived experience as symptoms impacted daily functioning at various times and places. Fast forward to the dream.
The plotline of the dream was absurd, but the message was clear enough: I was a “hot mess” – a danger to myself and others. That phrase wasn’t in circulation during my formative years; and I may not fit the classic description of a person who is disheveled and confused (barring the photo of me on the ferry crossing between Labrador and Newfoundland in 2009 😊). However, it correlates with the message I received more than once well into my third decade: you have potential if only you could get your shit together. Sometimes those exact words, other times more diplomatic wording. A backhanded compliment, if you will. My thought was always: why don’t you/who is going to help me get my shit together? Obviously not the person giving that advice (including professors). Don’t you think if I had any idea how to get my shit together, I would? Who wants to struggle through life with what I referred to as my ‘broken brain’?
Last month, I wrote about my new discovery of being on the neurodivergent spectrum. But I felt different long before neurotypicals were a thing simply because I knew I didn’t see nor function in the world like my peers. I knew my brain operated differently due to depression and anxiety (except I didn’t have those words in my vocabulary). I could keep up, even excel, with my peers academically. It was how they interacted with each other and felt about their lives, etc., that had me baffled. None of them seemed to struggle with a low-mood disorder complicated by major depressive episodes (again, not words in my vocabulary at the time). I was simply different – an observation reinforced by these expressions of concern from extended family and others in my parents’ friend circle.
I was always being ‘watched’ – waiting for Barb to lose her shit like her birth mother. Therefore, it is somewhat ironic that people advised me to get my shit together in order to succeed. I didn’t even know where or what my shit was to either lose it or get it together! So, when I heard about my cousin’s ‘concern’ because of what she was reading in my blogs, it triggered a flood of hurt and self-doubt. It also reminded me of feeling unheard and unseen growing up. When I unpacked the dream of two-nights later, I realized I need to shed the identity of being a ‘hot mess.’
My ‘year of the snake’ is shedding the self-perception of being a hot mess, of needing to “get her shit together,” of proving herself worthy or ‘not crazy,’ of being less-than or defective, of being plagued with self-doubt and second-guessing, of being the black sheep of the family. It also means shedding the way I was raised, my parents’ worldview, and their guiding principles. Doesn’t mean I don’t have any, just that they are ones I have chosen myself; and they differ from my upbringing – which automatically makes them suspect to those who express ‘concern’ for me. In my estimation, they are less concerned for me per se and more for the beliefs I espouse and how it reflects upon my extended family. I understand that no one likes to hear their ideals may not be accurate or reflective of my lived experience. I am choosing to shed that which deeply damaged me. It is no longer mine to carry. Granted it makes certain people uncomfortable. That is their discomfort to deal with and not my responsibility to alleviate – even though that was my family role for decades (since a young child).
Even since writing this yesterday, I have discovered more layers to shed. It is a complicated process. But as I am opening myself up to other ways of seeing the world and being in it, I am getting stronger in my sense of self. That idea of having to lose something to gain something. I don’t know what the snake experiences in the process of shedding an old skin and growing a new one. I imagine it can’t be comfortable. However, there is also likely a sense of relief when the process is complete; and the snake can get on with its life – until it’s time to do it all again.
So while I have some reservations about posting this blog, my question for you is what comes to mind when you think of shedding old ways of being and thinking that no longer serve your highest good? Feel free to leave comments or email if you have anything you’d like to share or questions about this posting.
It never ceases to amaze me when a theme surfaces in my monthly journal read-overs in preparation for this blog. January has been a month of releasing old ways of thinking and be-ing to make room for the new. While that was my entire 2024, it tended to focus on the father wound. The start of 2025 has been about “levelling up.” Now that the father wound isn’t all-encompassing, I can focus on what I want to develop instead of what needs to be left behind. This does sort of dovetail with the second theme of January – neurodivergence – in that this revelation of my own neurodivergence has really liberated me to see “me for me” – in all my odd glory and ultraviolet brilliance (see graphic).
Now it feels like I have too much to regurgitate into this month’s blog entry! But the irony is not lost on me that levelling up to the thriving phase of trauma recovery means embracing neurodivergence after spending decades trying to be neurotypical. (Quick review: the standard 3 phases or modes of trauma recovery are victim, survivor, and thriving.) In my family, all three of us siblings have had similar experiences of forcing a square peg into a round whole. Interestingly, our neurodivergence is unique to each of us – with only one of us being diagnosed on the AD/HD spectrum in mid-adulthood.
It is my belief that neurodivergence is broader than the two spectrums of autism and AD/HD – with some folks living on more than one spectrum – not necessarily limited to the two already noted. While I can relate to symptoms and expressions of both mild autism and attention deficit spectrums, I would not fit either category sufficiently for a diagnosis. However, neurodivergence is broad enough to include my own quirkiness including unusual ways of processing and communicating information.
Of course, my OCD and cPTSD already play significant roles in how I process and pass along information; but it never fully explained how I function. To back the bus up a bit, in a world of polarities, the opposite of neurodivergence is neurotypical which includes all those kids who excel in school without any effort. They memorize easily and take in information relatively well via the usual channels of visual and/or auditory learners. They are fairly compliant with maintaining the ‘status quo’ and have no issues with sensory processing – not easily overstimulated or overwhelmed with incoming data from various senses – and tend to make friends without issue.
In my experience, I had/have significant issues with social skills; and I’m neither a visual nor auditory learner. I get bored pretty quickly with videos as my brain usually works a little faster than how social media packages visually-presented material. Due to this busy brain, I also have difficulty concentrating on solely auditory information as my brain wanders if my hands and eyes aren’t busy with something – which can appear like I’m not paying attention when actually I am enhancing my concentration, not detracting from it.
My primary way of taking on new information is reading – allowing me to process at my own pace and go back to review as many times as necessary – or skip ahead. When I am learning a new skill, I like to watch someone perform the steps, then give them a try myself. Emphasis on word ‘steps’ – I do not do well if I can’t break down a complicated process into bite-sized pieces. I once worked at a vehicle rental company that had no standard procedure for completing rental agreements – and it was so convoluted a system that I had difficulty establishing any steps. I usually missed a crucial element; and I did not stay at that company long.
Another factor of neurodivergence: we tend not to be good employees if our particular ways of be-ing are not accommodated. I chalked up my varied work history to my emotional and mental disorders when really, in looking back, I can see my neurodivergence being the culprit: not having steps to follow or clear directions/expectations. I don’t deal well with ambiguity and tend to be a straight shooter. But I haven’t always been when my people-pleasing survival mechanism meant always watching for what the other people wanted. I could be a confusing chameleon with the best of them – adapting to every situation as best I could.
I imagine many “neurodivergents” have conflicting operating systems. Socially, I wanted to fit in but felt different, odd, or out-of-place; hence the bend-over-backwards to people please or chameleon approach to life – never seeming to have a mind of my own. When learning a task, I would need to see the big picture before attempting detailed steps – often to the frustration of authority figures like parents, teachers, and employers. As I would fumble through, I would ‘see’ a better way of doing things (e.g. more efficient or suited to my abilities) which comes across as non-compliant more than taking initiative.
One of my journal entries this month mentioned, “Just when I thought I had come to terms with my life ‘as is,’ I get pulled into this vortex of dissatisfaction. I wish I could be ‘content’ like other older single women. This is when I have to remind myself that I’m different…so even if I met someone, I might still have these vacillations. It is enough to make a person go crazy – like their own system is gaslighting them. And then when we have external gaslighting to boot – like narcissist spouses or family members – it is enough to drive a person crazy.”
Ironically, I always thought I was neurotypical because I excelled in academic environments – but it was never with ease. I had to work hard for my grades which became a false sense of self for me. When my grades would falter, I would feel worthless. Excelling academically also meant I fell through the cracks for any possible supports – plus it was prior to this current age of learning disabilities and accommodations. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if it wasn’t always about survival – but I guess that is the point of the thriving phase of trauma recovery – we do get to experience life beyond survival. We enter into ‘our own’ and embrace life fully as it comes.
So here is to 2025 being about embracing possibilities and levelling up! I am in such a different place than when I started 2024, it is nearly unbelievable. If I didn’t know better, I’d say I didn’t recognize myself – except I am more ‘my Self’ than I have ever been. In what ways can you see yourself embracing more of your “true-ness” in 2025? What sorts of old beliefs and ways of be-ing do you need to release in order to make room for thriving?
December has been an interesting month for me with surprisingly more highs than lows. Living with dysthymia makes happiness a somewhat elusive emotion. However, this month I noted more than once in my journal that I either woke up happy or experienced a moment feeling happy. A notable turning point involved embracing the grief process for my dissolved marriage.
It surprised me to realize I have been stuck in the bargaining stage or facet of grief for much of the last 7 years. I could recall the initial phase of shock and denial as well as intense anger. But I realized I hadn’t experienced real sadness nor acceptance. The 5 stages of grief established by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross have become common knowledge in some ways, but not everyone is familiar with them. While Kubler-Ross presented them as stages, grief is not a sequential process that once embarked upon is neatly completed in “5 easy steps.” Anyone who has been through deep grief will confirm it is a chaotic rather than simple process.
For many years as a therapist, I interpreted the grief stages as a spiral that we move back and forth along – sometimes spiralling through the 5 phases in a single day. Or a new grief triggers another trip along the spiral for an old loss we thought was long buried. This past year, I re-interpreted the grief process as a diamond with at least the established 5 facets: shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
In the initial stage of shock and denial, we experience a sense of ‘this can’t be happening.’ In anger, we loudly protest that ‘this shouldn’t have happened’ and bemoan the unfairness of our loss. During bargaining, we get caught up in a litany of ‘if onlys’ and ‘what ifs.’ Depression is the opportunity to sit with our sadness and acknowledge any feelings of powerlessness, hopelessness, loneliness, and profound loss. Acceptance allows us to consider the future and what might yet be as well as come to terms with the absence of a person, job, marriage, friendship house, community, pet, health, dream, ideal, or any myriad of ways we experience loss.
I also appreciate the concept of a diamond as coal under pressure producing a beautiful result from the process of grief. Any which way we twist the gem of grief, we will see another facet (shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and any others that might reveal themselves). We will feel the heft of the weight and acknowledge the pressure that created the sparkle we hold in our hand. In this context, we can consider grief as a gift – one that allows us to feel and think deeply, to honour what was or what could’ve been, to make room for new experiences, relationships, possessions, etc. To be human. For grief is a marker of life as well as death – whether that be the death of a loved one, an ideal, a belief system, a circumstance, a relationship, or a dream.
Sometimes, however, we get stuck in a facet of grief. We can all think of times when we ourselves or people we know have gotten mired in denial, or anger, or bargaining, or depression. In my case, it was a surprise to realize I had gotten bogged down in bargaining in the form of over-analyzing my marriage: where had it all gone so wrong? This led to spiralling through shock/denial (can’t believe this happened), anger (this shouldn’t have happened), and back to bargaining (how did this happen?). There are tricks to move from one facet to another when we get stuck. For this blog, I will focus on how I got unstuck from bargaining.
I had to recognize that regardless of ‘how’ it happened, it, in fact, happened – and no amount of analyzing would change that. Bargaining changes nothing. But, for whatever reason, it is a necessary facet of grief. Once I realized I had gotten stuck in over-analyzing, which might also be part of my OCD, I had to move into depression or sadness. It struck me as odd that I had never actually felt sad about the death of my marriage – which also meant acknowledging the loss and sadness of never having the partner that I wanted and imagined for myself.
My journal for December is full of little ah-ha moments and statements such as “grieving I didn’t get what I wanted and now I want something different.” Moving through these facets made me look at the pitfalls of partnership, especially my loss of personal power and sense of self. I also noted in reference to future splits: “I will know it was about the relationship dynamics and not about me.” And I had to accept that this went for my marriage as well. It was about dynamics, not me.
In some weird cosmic twist, releasing myself from my disrupted marriage freed me to get to know my True Self better. A social meme quote from Nikki Giovanni enabled me to see my “failed” marriage in a new light: “I really don’t think life is about the I-could-have-beens. Life is only about the I-tried-to-do. I don’t mind the failure; but I can’t imagine that I’d forgive myself if I didn’t try.” I certainly tried to make a marriage like the one I envisioned from my early indoctrination of what it should look like.
The fact that it didn’t work is not about the whys and wherefores (the could have beens) but about the fact that I tried to make an ideal happen – and failed. But I tried. And by consciously moving through the facets of grief, it has freed me to explore other possibilities and released my Self from outdated expectations and ideals. I have discovered things about myself that would have remained buried if I hadn’t allowed the pressure of the grief process to surface a diamond-in-the-rough.
Some of those discoveries will likely be fodder for future blogs. For now, feel free to share your experiences with the facets of the grief diamond. What beauty has surfaced for you? Where have you gotten stuck? How did you move through to the next facet? What sorts of losses have you processed through to acceptance? Have any old losses been triggered afresh with new ones?
May your exploration of the grief facets release you to experience your life more fully in unexpected ways and renewed sparkle.
