Posted on Aug 15, 2011
Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will.
~ James Stephens
This thing about curiosity and fear came home for me while travelling recently. I have a love-hate relationship with bears. I admire and greatly respect these marvelous creatures; but I am terrified of them. Even though I have been arming myself with information to counter the baseless fears —and they are baseless, for I personally have never had a negative encounter with a bear—I am still prone to anxiety and panic attacks when I even suspect I might be in the vicinity of a member of the Ursus family.
Somehow I have bought into the belief that bears are dangerous and ‘out to get me’ when really they couldn’t care less about my existence—except for certain circumstances that make total sense—like interfering with their food source (i.e. trails along berry patches), or getting into their personal space, or too close to their offspring. People aren’t so different. We don’t do so well either when people or animals mess with our food, our personal space, or our dependants (be they children or pets).
In one of those twists of paradox, communication break-downs among people are common and expected. For some reason, we have higher expectations of inter-special communication and greatly resent when the animal kingdom impinges upon people-dom. We think drastic measures have to be taken to get our point across—even though some basic prevention—i.e. communication about boundaries—would have done the trick.
Bears are quite clear about boundary crossings. They send messages that are often misunderstood as aggression, when really, it’s about ‘get out of my space.’ Usually because we missed the subtler signs. People are no different. We miss the signs all the time. Or we are not very clear and let things get out of hand until ‘somebody blows.’
So even though I have gleaned plenty of useful, practical knowledge about safe bear-people interactions, the fear persists. To use the curious approach to address my fear, it then begs the question: Where did this irrational fear come from? Even more importantly, what does this fear say about me? Do I want to keep believing that about myself? Or do I want to start thinking in terms of empowering myself to handle tense situations rather than elicit the flight response—for running is not always the best option.
To be curious, gives me time to think things through rather than spiral out of control. And with bears, there is time to think—particularly when I stop to listen to what they are communicating in their language. In this case, knowledge is power. I can use that knowledge to defuse the threat. For often there is no threat—just an imaginative mind on overdrive.
So being curious about my fear of bears, is really about getting curious about myself. And being patient with myself as I unlearn the old beliefs and relearn new coping skills. I won’t get it ‘just right’ with my next bear encounter—but I will get better—building on each experience until one day I will ask myself, What bear phobia? Experience has taught me that much already.
What fear might you tackle next with curiosity? Bears may not be on your horizon, but how about public speaking? Or crowded rooms? Or a sensitive discussion that needs to happen? How might getting curious about your anxiety help you to move forward?
What beliefs are lurking in your closet that could use some exposure—or airing out—with a healthy dose of curiosity?
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Posted on Jul 15, 2011
Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will.
~ James Stephens
Lately, I have been writing about The Void—now thought of as Spaciousness. In the same conversation that resulted in reframing The Void as spaciousness, we also talked about those inner voices that seem to haunt us—and are louder and more persistent than anything we supposedly think up for ourselves.
We remember being called stupid, or fat, or any other label for ‘less than.’ And any time we try to tell ourselves otherwise, that label clamors and grows more insistent. This makes for very hard therapeutic work when we try to exchange internalized negative messages with positive ones. And usually some progress can be made. We do grow more confidant in believing the positive self-talk and in refuting the negative internalized messages—that may feel true but are not true.
In a sense, we have to choose not to believe them anymore. We come to the conclusion that they no longer serve a purpose, they are not helping us. If it is not helping, why do we ‘go there’ in our minds? It seems we have to first put aside these labels (or beliefs) in order to move forward—to finally believe we are worth the effort.
But I digress. Back to where curiosity fits in. Some of my inner voices were getting rather rowdy—it was hard to think straight over the din—and I was getting frustrated trying to shush them up and bring some gentler, kinder voices into the mix. You know, the ones considered party-poopers by those rambunctious trouble makers. And rather than fight them, it was suggested to me to get curious about them. Why are they ‘in there’ the first place? What prompted them to party a little harder just then? That sort of thing.
In general terms, I know where these rabble-rousing negative messages come from. Most of us could tell similar stories of parents, or siblings, or classmates who said or did things that left indelible marks. We internalize this stuff to be true. As we mature, we usually encounter opportunities that test the ‘trueness’ of the statements we have internalized. While we all have our ‘less-than-optimal’ moments, we also all have our moments of brilliance, of strength, of beauty, of contribution, of appreciation.
What we need to get curious about is what prompts all this negative self-perception. A misspoken word, a certain look, a sequence of events can all act as triggers. And we remember. It brings up all that old messaging. Time for those gentler, kinder voices to get a little louder and remind ourselves that we are not still 10—or whatever age—and not in the same situation. It may feel like we are in it all over again; but it is good to remind ourselves that we are in a new moment in the present. We can choose a different response. We can choose to think differently.
This is where curiosity conquers fear, or anxiety, even better than bravery. When we get curious, we ask questions rather than fight to the final breath. And last I checked, the point of this whole ‘get up’ is to make the most of every breath we take. To be more mindful.
Giving ourselves time to be curious also allows us to ask ourselves, What do I need? Do I need to beat myself up at this particular moment? Or do I need to care for myself on a deeper level? What would that caring look like? If you are reminded of a past moment, what would you have liked to receive at the time of the insult or injury? Can you give that to yourself now?
As you get curious about what ‘gets under your skin,’ may you find rest from the rabble-rousers of your mind.
Stay tuned for next month when I relate this bit about curiosity and fear as it relates to my phobia of bears…
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Posted on Jun 14, 2011
Last month I mentioned The Void. I’m fairly confident that most of us are familiar with our own Voids. Mine seems to take on the shape, colour, and characteristics of an astronomical Black Hole. For others, it might appear as a barren wasteland or a stagnant lagoon. At any rate, it is that unseen force that seems to suck the life right out of us, drain us dry, paint life with a hopeless brush, stagnate rather than stimulate. Life may seem empty and pointless. We tend to want to fill that void or aerate that wilderness in order not to feel the vastness, the emptiness, the aridness, the stagnation.
Since then, it has come to my attention that The Void may not be a vacuous Black Hole after all. I have already mentioned that we can accept The Void and choose not to fill it. My journey now takes that conclusion one step (or spiral) further—or in another direction depending on how your journey make look. Journeys tend not to be linear progressions.
The word we are looking for is Spaciousness. Once I have accepted and allow for the existence of The Void, it provides an opportunity to look at it from another angle. From this new vantage point, the void appears expansive, limitless, open to infinite possibilities. Does this make you think of any other time in history when seemingly nothing begat something? For the person who shared this idea of spaciousness with me, it reminded him of God creating something out of nothing. I like that association. Even for those who hold to the Big Bang Theory—something still came out of nothing. Viewing the ‘negative space’ of my existence as opportunity-for-explosion is rather exciting—and hopeful—don’t you think?
There may yet come something out of my nothing. It may be influenced by a Creative Presence or self-combustion. Either way, change is inevitable. My Void or Spaciousness will not look or feel the same. Reminds me of art class and learning the value of ‘negative space’—and how good use of negative space enhances the focal point rather than detracts from it. That’s what I want for my ‘negative space’—for it to enhance what is already taking shape or forming in the innermost of my being. Who knows what will burst forth next?
What might be brewing or fomenting in the hidden regions of your being? Any explosions worth mentioning? Might be a good idea not to mess with it. No use filling that emptiness with stuff that might inhibit a process already underway. Rather, take a step back and appreciate the view. That Black Hole might turn out to be a galaxy of stars sparkling in a deep night sky.
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