Posted on Sep 26, 2024
After lunch on the back deck, I enjoyed soaking up the warmth of the sun while I read over my journal entries for the month of September. Once again, I was surprised at what was all “accomplished” internally. Several themes appeared appropriate for a blog – which is good in that my original idea was to blog about my newly defined Internal Family System – but due to a recent development, I am postponing that one for a later date.
One of this month’s more significant activities was having a table at a health & wellness event in a nearby community. This activity was significant for a few reasons. Firstly, I was inspired by my “table neighbour” and our discussion of her monthly ‘brain gym’ online meetings that also provide a sense of community and connectivity. It got me mulling over possible online support groups that I could offer without taxing clientele’s financial resources and my energy reserves, as I tend to overextend myself without proper compensation. But this is not a blog about healthy boundaries.
I put feelers out regarding what might be feasible and the general consensus was to offer a monthly discussion group based upon my blogs. For the fee of one counselling session ($125), a “subscriber” will have one-year access to the monthly online discussion group to be held for an hour in the afternoon of the last Sunday of each month – and a receipt they can submit to insurance for reimbursement if they have benefits that covers counselling by a certified counsellor (not all plans do). If you need more details, please email barb@thewindingpath.ca.
This is significant for me as it is putting myself ‘out there’ on a level beyond online dating! It will also fill the void left by the absence of the online meetings of colleagues, as in spring I resigned from the two boards on which I was serving. It will be an experiment and yet another stretching exercise – much like the health & wellness event itself. I was pleasantly surprised how I wasn’t consumed with anxiety – which became a springboard for exploring my internal family system. While my anxiety may have taken a back seat, my chronic fatigue syndrome decided to show up unexpectedly – literally knocking me on my ass.
At the end of the event, as we were cleaning up our tables, I suddenly collapsed – creating quite the commotion – and embarrassment for me with all eyes focused in my direction. But I made a conscious effort not to entertain shame messages and simply got back to the task at hand with an offhand explanation that my ankle had given out (which it does do sometimes). It took a couple days to figure out what actually happened – my electrolytes and blood pressure dropped causing the collapse. I say collapse as I was standing still. I wrote in my journal that it felt like someone had tugged on my spinal cord and I sank like a bag of bones to the floor. It was quite bizarre. But it illustrates how chronic fatigue syndrome is multi-faceted and sometimes sneaks up on a person – especially if they forget to take their morning meds & supplements!
Onto the third impactful aspect of the event – that troublesome internalized shame. While in that particular moment, I was able to keep it at bay, I had other opportunities this month to face my shame messages – especially the one that fears judgement and getting in trouble. Now, how to synthesize all the lessons succinctly into a few paragraphs? I realized that when I am on the receiving end of criticism, there are two factors to consider: fear and power.
In the one instance, I felt shame because I failed to anticipate the person’s fear and protect them – their fear was projected onto me as my responsibility. Light bulb moment, as in my family-of-origin, it was my role to anticipate emotional needs and meet them before I got into trouble/to avert danger. It is not my responsibility to protect people from their own emotions – nor to take on their projections as mine to fix. A paradox: taking on others’ emotions as mine to regulate without any help to regulate my own.
The other paradox that surfaced is that shamers are trying to claim power by disempowering someone else and/or the perceived threat. From my journal: “Funny how it doesn’t actually work that way – taking away someone’s power to make yourself feel more powerful. In both situations, I hadn’t taken away anyone’s power – they projected that onto me and Abbie. So, will I allow them to disempower me or rise like a Phoenix?” A parallel thought process to empowerment is the trauma-recovery shifts from victim mode to survival to thriving – which can be explored further in a future blog and/or discussion group. But I will say that fear of disappointment and judgement is no longer necessary for my survival. I can release that belief as obsolete as I enter thriving mode.
In one of my entries processing internalized shame, this modified childhood taunt came to mind: “There ain’t no shame on us. There might be shame on some of you/those guys, but there ain’t no shame on us.” Shame is like pesky flies at an outdoor picnic. I am learning to swat those lil buggers away and move on – not get sucked in to their disempowering messages, not to take on the emotions of shamers/criticizers/complainers. Complaints and criticisms are just that – no more, no less. I can create a forcefield that does not allow in emotional projections that threaten my sense of well-being. I have only my own emotions to regulate.
It is going to take more practice to repel the projections. But they are no longer mine to fix. I relinquish that habitual role. I can use my personal power to burn old beliefs that no longer serve me and my healing journey – to rise from the ashes as a Phoenix, ready to thrive. What old beliefs no longer serve your healing journey? What needs to be burnt so you can rise from the ashes and thrive? Or like the image portrays: rising from the asphalt to reach for the sky.
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Posted on Aug 29, 2024
As I read over the journal entries for the month of August, I’m not sure what to make of it. It has certainly been life changing, but not in the ways one usually thinks of – such as change in job or housing or relationship status. And I feel like I’m on the cusp of something phenomenal. It is a strange feeling – and reminds me of this time 29 years ago when I was about to meet my future husband.
While I didn’t feel like I was on the cusp of something about to happen, I was going through a time of change – re-evaluating many aspects of my life such as my job, housing, and relationship status as well as my faith. It struck me this morning that I was a human being having a religious/spiritual experience while now I consider myself a spiritual being having a human experience. However, I wasn’t in tune with my humanness – almost an ill-defined human. Now that I have become comfortable with my spirituality, I am better able to embrace my humanness. Back then, I wasn’t familiar with what it meant to be human – only a religious version of one.
The parallels between then and now continue to surprise me. However, I can guarantee I am not on the cusp of meeting a future husband. 
But a long-term relationship would be welcome. As mentioned in my previous blog, I have embarked on online dating. That has been a significant change in my life. And oddly, I was reading about my thoughts on relationships from 29 years ago – my framework was very limited, and I am grateful my understanding of relationships – and how to be in a relationship – has expanded. My online dating experience thus far has been mind blowing and disappointing. But both in good ways. It was a life-changing experience to have my attachment needs for attention and affection met as well as to set firm boundaries when things became sketchy. I know what I want and what I’m not willing to accommodate to have those needs met.
Another life changing experience was spending 8 days with my sister who came by train from Alberta. We tend to enjoy each other’s company; and we got to explore a bit more of the region I live in. One item has been checked off my bucket list/vision board – a circular road trip from my place through Nopiming Provincial Park and back home again. It was an adventure driving on gravel roads – some sections well-maintained while others certainly left much to be desired – but I got to drive it without any ‘back seat driving’ from my travel companions. In my marriage, it is unlikely I would’ve gotten to drive any of that route; and if I had, a running commentary would have made it unbearable. It is hard for me to explain or describe the freedom of driving my trusty steed, Monty – trusting both my driving abilities and my vehicle.
Also mentioned previously was having my dog, Abbie, become an emotional support dog – which has proved invaluable even if not for the original intended purpose of attending a court date for a traffic ticket – that was thankfully resolved over the phone. Once again, the Universe has guided me to make changes in my life with far-reaching, unanticipated benefits. Abbie joined me on the first two dates as well as many other places such as the train station to pick up and drop off my sister. While not always convenient, she does keep me from overthinking situations thus preventing my anxiety from getting the better of me. She also helps me to feel safe and less alone. While I don’t like admitting I may need accommodations, I have appreciated the difference Abbie’s presence makes upon my well-being in a vast array of settings. She also enjoys being able to go places otherwise not open to her. An added benefit is the joy and support she brings to others when she is out and about with me.
So, in many ways, these experiences have all been self-affirming: online dating, mini road tripping with my sister, having an emotional support dog. I do feel more confident and more in tune with my own Self – things I did not have back in August of 1995. It saddens me to think of what she thought was true about herself and what was required of her to be in a relationship. Trauma bonds were all she knew and expected – to give in order to have a chance at having her needs met. Always accommodating the other person, seldom having it reciprocated. It saddens me even more to realize I had the same relationship dynamic with God. I am so very grateful that my understanding of the Divine Presence has also expanded in such a way that I can embrace my humanness and how to be in a relationship with another person.
I am also extremely relieved to have my mental and physical health issues identified and addressed. It has truly made a world of a difference. What a turn-around – from living in ignorance and harmful ideology to accommodations and sense of well-being. It only took well over 30 years; but hey – whose counting? 
One never knows where the healing journey is going to take them. It hasn’t escaped my notice that summer is also on the cusp of turning into fall. A time of transition. Remain open and observant, my friends, and see where the journey takes you next!
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Posted on Jul 31, 2024
July seems to have gone by in a blur. So much, and yet so little, has happened. I have been crazy busy this last week – but not necessarily with work. And some of the busy-ness has been internal rather than external. I started reading over July’s journal entries, and could hardly believe how much has transpired – how much has changed in my inner world. Today I wrote that I almost feel like a different person – or as some like to say, vibrating at a different frequency. It is difficult to explain; and as I have never been in this place before, I have nothing to fall back on to set my bearings. I am charting new territory.
One thing that has struck me this month is the concept of completing trauma loops. This is a concept that works for me but is not necessarily in the trauma recovery literature. A bit like combining ideas to formulate one of my own. My clients seem to grasp it when I talk about it, so that is the main thing – that what I learn and assimilate into my own healing journey is also of benefit to my clients.
Most of my clients will, by now, be familiar with how trauma and the brain works – complete with diagrams. The amygdala (danger detector and emotional memory maker) gets fired up about something and rallies the troops to engage in fight, flight, or freeze. I know fawn is a new buzz word, but to me, it still falls under the freeze response. Part of trauma recovery is introducing what I call “the fourth option” – a chosen response instead of a knee-jerk reaction – in order to retrain the amygdala’s danger detector to be more accurate in assessing what is truly life-and-death and thus requiring said rallying of the troops. For us trauma survivors, a lot of the time the troops are rallied, at great expense to our bodily resources, disproportionate to the perceived danger.
Where am I going with this? One way to retrain the amygdala and get new neurons firing and wiring together is to complete the trauma loops. I refer to them as loops because unresolved trauma seems to go round and round in our systems – causing great havoc – until we can complete the process. Usually this means interrupting the stuck freeze response in order to stop the unrestricted flow of excess adrenaline and cortisol. This can be done in a number of ways, but today I will reflect upon how this occurred for me recently. It wasn’t something I set out to do, but rather I recognized what was happening and decided to go with the flow and see where it went. In another instance, I recognized the process in retrospect rather than in the moment.
One of the contributors to the recent craziness was hosting (but not organizing) a mini retreat for a few stressed-out city folks who needed a reset out in nature’s warm embrace. And believe me, it was a warm one! These city folk included an 11-yr-old girl who gravitated to me the moment they arrived. Surprising given I am not a child magnet. We tend to have to warm up to each other. But not this time. Because the other group members were two couples, I jokingly referred to myself and the girl as ‘the kids’ as opposed to the grown-ups who stayed up way past her and my bedtime. In this case, I went with the flow of things by playing with the girl instead of my usual role (and comfort zone) of chief cook & bottle washer and organizer extraordinaire.
Hence, this retreat weekend ended up being a healing time for my inner child. I seriously got to play all weekend. Sounds a bit of an oxymoron: serious play. I did spend time with the adults as well, but the bulk of my “duties” were play. Not a role with which I am particularly familiar. I was one of those children who had to grow up fast and had grown-up responsibilities from an early age. Playing does not come naturally for me. I am not sure how I managed it actually. My favourite play time was when we all went to the water with the dogs. I splashed around and laughed like never before. I don’t think I laughed that much even as a child! I honestly had fun. That might not seem like much, but for me it was significant. I do believe my inner child had fun, too.
Another healing moment came in the form of getting my dog recognized as an emotional support dog. This involved obtaining a letter from my doctor as well as purchasing a vest/harness indicating my dog as emotional support. While the circumstances for which I began this process changed, yesterday I took her for a trial run when I had to pick up a prescription from the pharmacy I use in a nearby community. Abbie performed in this role like a seasoned pro! This entire process was significant for me because it interrupted the trauma loop that I didn’t deserve accommodations for my mental health limitations. It is a level of self-care to which I am not accustomed.
A third significant trauma loop was interrupted when the Universe prompted me to sign up for an online dating app. Absolutely mind blowing that this could even be a possibility, let alone happen. I am an incredibly shy introvert – putting myself “out there” was immensely stressful yet liberating – and one of those things I was certain I would never do. In my journal I noted I could see it being a valuable exercise even if nothing came of it as it forced me to see myself differently. And I had to present myself in a way that was self-respecting yet inviting for the right type of person. I had to recognize I was worth the effort and not ‘easy prey.’ It meant knowing my boundaries and acting on them. There are some strange folks out there! I also had to trust that the Universe knew what they were doing and had my back. It’s been challenging, but also rewarding in unexpected ways.
Putting myself first instead of last, enforcing boundaries, knowing my worth. All valuable lessons. At times I can’t believe how my journey as evolved since the beginning of the year. And I am still on it. Still moving forward. Sometimes learning after the fact, sometimes in the moment. And I have received so much encouragement from my “online community.” I have been supported through this entire process by forces seen and unseen. And the best part is that it has given other people hope that no matter their situation, change for the better is possible. You can teach an old dog new tricks – it might just take a little longer.
Here’s to all of us continuing on our healing journeys, making the most of every opportunity, resting when that is what is needed, and taking in every beautiful moment.
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