Posted on Oct 22, 2024
October. Typically a difficult month for me even though it is my favourite time of year. I love having a birthday in autumn. The tricky part is, it is also the anniversary of my birth-mom’s death. If something tragic or difficult is going to happen, it will be this time of year. Last year, the old school across the street from my house burned down. Fingers crossed nothing untoward happens this year – only a week or so left. I won’t go into all the strange things that have happened on or near my birthday in the past.
However, it is a time of deep reflection for me – and reading over this month’s journal entries to date has provided far more fodder for a blog entry than is possible to curate. And now that I’ve created a monthly blog discussion group (email barb@thewindingpath.ca if you’d like to join), it feels like I’ve put a tad too much pressure on myself. While there are several topics to choose from, three themes tend to weave them together: transitions, Internal Family Systems, and alone as a state of being not just physical fact. Now which one to focus on?
I am leaning towards transitions as it was serendipitous that I chose to reread a book of that title in order to revamp my handout (that would’ve come in handy at the wellness event I attended mid-September). I first read the book (Transitions by William Bridges) back when I was still married. And while the premise of rites of passage stayed with me, I needed the review of the process to help me through this month. I have been rereading various books lately – both novels and counselling-related – and I’ve been surprised how appropriate my choices have been. I keep a log of books read; and it has been interesting to observe how books resonate differently depending on my time-of-life.
Following the rites of passage model or process, transitions follow a pattern of ending, neutral zone, and new beginning. Or dying, fallow season, and rebirth. However, life doesn’t always afford such a succinct process; so often endings and beginnings overlap, and neutral zones are ignored or dismissed as unproductive – creating a time of chaos, confusion, and discontent. I think that is where I find myself this October. And it is not easy to sit in the fallow season and wait for rebirth. Nor does our Western way of thinking allow for a time of emptiness in which it appears nothing is happening when actually something is germinating.
In traditional rites of passage, an initiate is separated from the normal rhythm of life (an ending) to embark on a quest to find their sense of self or purpose or ‘next level’ of existence. A time of disorientation that results in finding oneself out of a perceived nothingness (neutral zone). When the enlightenment happens, the initiate is ready to return home a different person – a levelled-up version of themselves (e.g. leaves a boy, returns a man) – to engage in the community in new ways with increased responsibilities (new beginning).
In our modern age, this quest may involve changing jobs, homes, romantic partners, cars, careers, family responsibilities, etc. We usually find ourselves dissatisfied with the status quo but unsure what needs to change – or change is forced upon us or abrupt like losing a job, getting married, or having a baby. If we don’t acknowledge the end of the way things were (employed, single, childless), we may struggle to adapt to the new beginning (job/way of earning a living, relationship, baby). It can be confusing to unknowingly grieve the old way-of-being while trying to embrace the new (an inexplicable sadness when you are expected to be celebratory). Understanding how transitions actually transpire can help us adjust to the changes and/or make decisions that will disrupt the status quo.
So how does this apply to my month of October? Well, I’ve been working through acknowledging the old way of being Barb (i.e. an end to old coping mechanisms like being a people-pleaser, a chameleon, and a drone) in order to make way for a levelled-up version of myself. I think I’ve grasped the ending; but I’m stuck in the no-man’s land of the neutral zone. Ironically, this is a good thing, as I am not traversing an ending overlapped with a new beginning. I’m not dying and rebirthing simultaneously. 😊 The other two themes I mentioned earlier fit into this: working with my Internal Family System as we make adjustments and a sense of being alone.
Weirdly, I have come to an understanding of being alone formerly foreign to me. My old self preferred solitude (being alone) as it was where/when I felt safest. As I have dealt with some early trauma/inner child issues using my Internal Family System, I have revised my understanding of interdependence (vs hyper independence) and connectivity. Relationships are what make life bearable, enjoyable, fulfilling – and are not dangerous or a reward for getting things right. I not only have to build trust in someone in order to emerge from my cocoon, I also have to trust myself enough to let someone in to my deep interior world. Trusting myself to gauge when I am comfortable with someone to let them in – and knowing how to keep my Self (and my interior world) safe. To be alone also means acknowledging I am more of a unicorn than a chameleon. This has a lot to do with accepting my unique ways of neurodivergence – and that it is okay not to fit in. This may seem like a simple self-acceptance exercise, but it is rooted in deeply embedded shame messages that I never grasped before.
During this neutral zone or fallow season, issues are surfacing from various sources such as reading old journals for my book, changes in living arrangements, and putting myself “out there” more. Suffice to say, I see myself in relationships differently than I ever have before. And while I am not a good fit for online dating – thanks to my particular neurodivergence – I am both open to meeting someone in some unexpected way and to becoming comfortable with my current understanding of being alone. I know there is some version of myself I have yet to meet in this neutral zone/fallow season – someone who will relate with/to another equally unique soul – my fellow unicorn – “just because” and not as a reward for levelling up.
As I look over the notes I took while reading over my October journal entries, a depth of content is glossed over or missed in this introduction to transitions (such as an insight into my early childhood shyness). I’ve had some tremendous a-ha moments in this neutral zone – and that is the very point of it. We need to slow down to acknowledge what has ended, what inner chaos needs attention, to fully appreciate the next chapter unfolding. To find our way in the dark. On your own journey, where do you see yourself: in the midst of an ending, stuck in neutral, or approaching a beginning? Or can you look back at a point in your life when you can identify a dying, a fallow season, and a rebirth? Wherever you find yourself now, I hope you find/have found your way through the dark.
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Posted on Sep 26, 2024
After lunch on the back deck, I enjoyed soaking up the warmth of the sun while I read over my journal entries for the month of September. Once again, I was surprised at what was all “accomplished” internally. Several themes appeared appropriate for a blog – which is good in that my original idea was to blog about my newly defined Internal Family System – but due to a recent development, I am postponing that one for a later date.
One of this month’s more significant activities was having a table at a health & wellness event in a nearby community. This activity was significant for a few reasons. Firstly, I was inspired by my “table neighbour” and our discussion of her monthly ‘brain gym’ online meetings that also provide a sense of community and connectivity. It got me mulling over possible online support groups that I could offer without taxing clientele’s financial resources and my energy reserves, as I tend to overextend myself without proper compensation. But this is not a blog about healthy boundaries.
I put feelers out regarding what might be feasible and the general consensus was to offer a monthly discussion group based upon my blogs. For the fee of one counselling session ($125), a “subscriber” will have one-year access to the monthly online discussion group to be held for an hour in the afternoon of the last Sunday of each month – and a receipt they can submit to insurance for reimbursement if they have benefits that covers counselling by a certified counsellor (not all plans do). If you need more details, please email barb@thewindingpath.ca.
This is significant for me as it is putting myself ‘out there’ on a level beyond online dating! It will also fill the void left by the absence of the online meetings of colleagues, as in spring I resigned from the two boards on which I was serving. It will be an experiment and yet another stretching exercise – much like the health & wellness event itself. I was pleasantly surprised how I wasn’t consumed with anxiety – which became a springboard for exploring my internal family system. While my anxiety may have taken a back seat, my chronic fatigue syndrome decided to show up unexpectedly – literally knocking me on my ass.
At the end of the event, as we were cleaning up our tables, I suddenly collapsed – creating quite the commotion – and embarrassment for me with all eyes focused in my direction. But I made a conscious effort not to entertain shame messages and simply got back to the task at hand with an offhand explanation that my ankle had given out (which it does do sometimes). It took a couple days to figure out what actually happened – my electrolytes and blood pressure dropped causing the collapse. I say collapse as I was standing still. I wrote in my journal that it felt like someone had tugged on my spinal cord and I sank like a bag of bones to the floor. It was quite bizarre. But it illustrates how chronic fatigue syndrome is multi-faceted and sometimes sneaks up on a person – especially if they forget to take their morning meds & supplements!
Onto the third impactful aspect of the event – that troublesome internalized shame. While in that particular moment, I was able to keep it at bay, I had other opportunities this month to face my shame messages – especially the one that fears judgement and getting in trouble. Now, how to synthesize all the lessons succinctly into a few paragraphs? I realized that when I am on the receiving end of criticism, there are two factors to consider: fear and power.
In the one instance, I felt shame because I failed to anticipate the person’s fear and protect them – their fear was projected onto me as my responsibility. Light bulb moment, as in my family-of-origin, it was my role to anticipate emotional needs and meet them before I got into trouble/to avert danger. It is not my responsibility to protect people from their own emotions – nor to take on their projections as mine to fix. A paradox: taking on others’ emotions as mine to regulate without any help to regulate my own.
The other paradox that surfaced is that shamers are trying to claim power by disempowering someone else and/or the perceived threat. From my journal: “Funny how it doesn’t actually work that way – taking away someone’s power to make yourself feel more powerful. In both situations, I hadn’t taken away anyone’s power – they projected that onto me and Abbie. So, will I allow them to disempower me or rise like a Phoenix?” A parallel thought process to empowerment is the trauma-recovery shifts from victim mode to survival to thriving – which can be explored further in a future blog and/or discussion group. But I will say that fear of disappointment and judgement is no longer necessary for my survival. I can release that belief as obsolete as I enter thriving mode.
In one of my entries processing internalized shame, this modified childhood taunt came to mind: “There ain’t no shame on us. There might be shame on some of you/those guys, but there ain’t no shame on us.” Shame is like pesky flies at an outdoor picnic. I am learning to swat those lil buggers away and move on – not get sucked in to their disempowering messages, not to take on the emotions of shamers/criticizers/complainers. Complaints and criticisms are just that – no more, no less. I can create a forcefield that does not allow in emotional projections that threaten my sense of well-being. I have only my own emotions to regulate.
It is going to take more practice to repel the projections. But they are no longer mine to fix. I relinquish that habitual role. I can use my personal power to burn old beliefs that no longer serve me and my healing journey – to rise from the ashes as a Phoenix, ready to thrive. What old beliefs no longer serve your healing journey? What needs to be burnt so you can rise from the ashes and thrive? Or like the image portrays: rising from the asphalt to reach for the sky.
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Posted on Aug 29, 2024
As I read over the journal entries for the month of August, I’m not sure what to make of it. It has certainly been life changing, but not in the ways one usually thinks of – such as change in job or housing or relationship status. And I feel like I’m on the cusp of something phenomenal. It is a strange feeling – and reminds me of this time 29 years ago when I was about to meet my future husband.
While I didn’t feel like I was on the cusp of something about to happen, I was going through a time of change – re-evaluating many aspects of my life such as my job, housing, and relationship status as well as my faith. It struck me this morning that I was a human being having a religious/spiritual experience while now I consider myself a spiritual being having a human experience. However, I wasn’t in tune with my humanness – almost an ill-defined human. Now that I have become comfortable with my spirituality, I am better able to embrace my humanness. Back then, I wasn’t familiar with what it meant to be human – only a religious version of one.
The parallels between then and now continue to surprise me. However, I can guarantee I am not on the cusp of meeting a future husband. 😉 But a long-term relationship would be welcome. As mentioned in my previous blog, I have embarked on online dating. That has been a significant change in my life. And oddly, I was reading about my thoughts on relationships from 29 years ago – my framework was very limited, and I am grateful my understanding of relationships – and how to be in a relationship – has expanded. My online dating experience thus far has been mind blowing and disappointing. But both in good ways. It was a life-changing experience to have my attachment needs for attention and affection met as well as to set firm boundaries when things became sketchy. I know what I want and what I’m not willing to accommodate to have those needs met.
Another life changing experience was spending 8 days with my sister who came by train from Alberta. We tend to enjoy each other’s company; and we got to explore a bit more of the region I live in. One item has been checked off my bucket list/vision board – a circular road trip from my place through Nopiming Provincial Park and back home again. It was an adventure driving on gravel roads – some sections well-maintained while others certainly left much to be desired – but I got to drive it without any ‘back seat driving’ from my travel companions. In my marriage, it is unlikely I would’ve gotten to drive any of that route; and if I had, a running commentary would have made it unbearable. It is hard for me to explain or describe the freedom of driving my trusty steed, Monty – trusting both my driving abilities and my vehicle.
Also mentioned previously was having my dog, Abbie, become an emotional support dog – which has proved invaluable even if not for the original intended purpose of attending a court date for a traffic ticket – that was thankfully resolved over the phone. Once again, the Universe has guided me to make changes in my life with far-reaching, unanticipated benefits. Abbie joined me on the first two dates as well as many other places such as the train station to pick up and drop off my sister. While not always convenient, she does keep me from overthinking situations thus preventing my anxiety from getting the better of me. She also helps me to feel safe and less alone. While I don’t like admitting I may need accommodations, I have appreciated the difference Abbie’s presence makes upon my well-being in a vast array of settings. She also enjoys being able to go places otherwise not open to her. An added benefit is the joy and support she brings to others when she is out and about with me.
So, in many ways, these experiences have all been self-affirming: online dating, mini road tripping with my sister, having an emotional support dog. I do feel more confident and more in tune with my own Self – things I did not have back in August of 1995. It saddens me to think of what she thought was true about herself and what was required of her to be in a relationship. Trauma bonds were all she knew and expected – to give in order to have a chance at having her needs met. Always accommodating the other person, seldom having it reciprocated. It saddens me even more to realize I had the same relationship dynamic with God. I am so very grateful that my understanding of the Divine Presence has also expanded in such a way that I can embrace my humanness and how to be in a relationship with another person.
I am also extremely relieved to have my mental and physical health issues identified and addressed. It has truly made a world of a difference. What a turn-around – from living in ignorance and harmful ideology to accommodations and sense of well-being. It only took well over 30 years; but hey – whose counting? 😊 One never knows where the healing journey is going to take them. It hasn’t escaped my notice that summer is also on the cusp of turning into fall. A time of transition. Remain open and observant, my friends, and see where the journey takes you next!
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