My journal entries this month have been all over the place; but because I am still online dating, I continue to write about relationships, as well as neurodivergence. There have been a few ah-ha moments with significance in both those categories. One in particular that sticks out is the concept of deserving more – which actually applies to both relationships and neurodivergence. The idea of what I could’ve accomplished in life had I had access to supports earlier on as well as deserving more in relationships.
A significant mile marker on my healing journey is the realization that relationships are the stuff of life – without them, life seems a bit hollow. Given my trauma history, pathological shyness (autism spectrum?), and introversion, I tend to be skeptical of all kinds of relationships (be it professional, friendship, or romantic). I feel safest in my own company. So, the fact that I am no longer satisfied being alone is quite profound. I have experienced loneliness at different times in my life – including being married – and have used various coping mechanisms to manage the loneliness and/or push myself out of my own little world. Online dating being the most outside my comfort zone I have ever dared to roam.
Due to recent developments, I have been forced to face my old programming of keeping men happy and not disappointing anyone – which has involved retraining my brain that I am looking for authentic connection rather than validation/approval. I don’t have to prove a point. From this surfaced a deeply-rooted quandary: having to accommodate and be pleasing to every male on the planet while not having the right to say ‘no, thank you’ or even just plain old ‘no.’ Then being accused of leading men on with kindness and accommodations and being pleasing. It’s difficult to articulate. Be pleasing but don’t lead anyone on – without the option of saying ‘no.’
Disappointing men was always devastating because of my deep father wound. I am learning I am my own person. Not a slave to men (and/or their needs or fragile egos). It’s almost a rallying cry: I am my own person. Without anything to prove. I don’t have to be deemed worthy. Simply looking for authentic connection (and chemistry in romantic relationships). In the last few weeks of messaging with men online, I have had to remind myself I am remembering, not reliving. I no longer have to be as pleasing as possible.
Oddly, I am ready for a true gentleman. In my 20s, I fought ‘gentlemanly behaviour’ to assert my independence and gender equality (not be seen as incompetent). I wanted to remove any risk of being beholden to anyone. Men’s ‘kindnesses’ always came at a cost. One of those profound ah-ha moments came with this sentence in my journal: my father taught me I don’t deserve to be treated well (most particularly by his own actions and sexist comments).
So, I am left with the query: can I release the core belief that I don’t deserve to be loved ‘as is’? Can I recognize that just because my parents failed to love me ‘as is’ doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be? I have overidentified with that scared little girl; and I need to own the woman I’ve become and am becoming. My parents only reflected back that age of me – see her only that way, do nothing to help that little girl, and then shame her for it. Keep Barb in her place. We don’t want her coming into her own power. So, my second rallying cry is: I do deserve to be loved ‘as is.’
Throughout August, I wrote a lot about being haunted by the core belief of not deserving to be loved ‘as is” – having to prove myself and earn it. I am more than a pretty face and smile. There was a time that I thought that was all I had to offer men. I had to earn my keep by being overly accommodating and pleasing. And never show my true self in the aim to be attractive. I loathe anyone seeing me with bedhead and no makeup. Deep down, I don’t want to run the risk of being rejected in my ‘raw’ form. I will do whatever it takes to avoid that.
I also witnessed several patterns consistent with the trauma bonding (attention and affection offered alternately with neglect, criticism, etc.) of my childhood/youth and in my marriage. I began second guessing everything without a clue of what was genuine and what might be problematic. My triggers kept confusing me. Was I remembering, not reliving? Or was I falling for the same-old, same-old? Baffling to realize I don’t know how to have a normal relationship – and why various couples’ counselling techniques didn’t work for me personally. Relationships are not formulaic, no matter how much I have wanted them to be (in the counselling office, or at home).
I worried about my decision-making abilities given these patterns, wished I didn’t feel so damn deeply, and that trauma bonding wasn’t my reality. Another ‘haunting’ from my childhood. An aspect of this trauma bonding (or maybe autism spectrum?) is the failed developmental task of “object constancy.” I need to unpack this some more at a later date because it involves both my parents in ways I hadn’t noticed before. I am working hard at reprogramming my brain to recognize that I am worth the hassle – the hassle of breaking patterns (such as being addicted to the initial attention/affection from narcissists or the breadcrumbs of trauma bonding or the ‘stimulation’ of triggers), of deserving more (in all areas of my life), of releasing my training wheels to ride on my own (be my own person, fully show up, be curious and explore rather than contain or control or fix).
Also of note, I realized that my anxiety has served as a natural stimulant (keeping cortisol and adrenaline coursing through my veins) masking my AuADHD (a combination of autism and attention deficit ‘features’) – and also explains why consuming copious amounts of black tea doesn’t make me wired (and neither does the occasional cup of coffee I drink). August has been a month of exploring patterns and learning new things about myself – such as how neurodivergent I actually am – whether from AuADHD or cPTSD rewiring my brain. And in so doing, I am able to exchange default mechanisms for chosen coping skills.
What has your month of August been teaching you? Have you opened yourself up to new options, getting unstuck from established patterns? If so, what have you learned that you are comfortable sharing in this forum? I would love to hear what you are learning or what is keeping you stuck.
Well, here it is July; and time to write Part 2 of Relationships. I’m finding it difficult to pick up where I left off last month. I lulled myself into a sense of complacency that this month’s blog would be easy given I had ‘written’ most of it last month. Now my notes seem disjointed, resistant to cohesion. Maybe that’s what happens in some relationships. We get lulled into complacency until cohesion becomes elusive or intolerable. Yes, one never knows where my brain will wander off to. 😊
At any rate, last month I left off needing connection more than attachment and learning how to negotiate as well as speak my mind. My pattern is to keep quiet in order not to rock the boat or jeopardize connections – which gets in the way of authenticity and being one’s own self. I’ve also had to consider how being neurodivergent, with a skewed sense of self plus trust issues, plays into relationships – as well as gender socialization and cultural expectation (think fairytale endings). Yes, that is a lot to tumble around my brain!
It’s been an interesting exercise to consider neurodivergent relationships do look different from neurotypical ones – leading to a complete overhaul of relationships in my mental framework – and that there are many ways to be in a relationship. In broad terms, relationships are two people showing up and figuring it out. My tendency is to take on more responsibility for figuring it out – in addition to operating from the assumption of being judged and deemed worth the effort or not. That dynamic is definitely not healthy. It has to be two equal partners with matched effort.
I have been dependent upon external validation – terms of endearment, affirmation, affection – that elicit the bonding chemical oxytocin – as a necessary building block, or the cornerstone, if you will. And when that is absent, I feel adrift. Yet people can show up and seek connection in other ways (appropriate attention and affection will look different for everybody – especially neurodivergents and trauma survivors). Pursuing connection over attachment allows me to see what is there instead of what isn’t. I have to show up regardless if it puts the connection in jeopardy. It boils down to confidence – in myself – to break that damn pattern of hiding/ accommodating/ people pleasing in seeking attachment.
Self-sacrifice in exchange for attachment. The deep dive in my journal resulted in thinking of relationship development in terms of levels. Neurotypicals present relationships (as seen in movies/TV and personal observation) as some sort of spark of interest, a bit of pursuit by either or both parties, passing some sort of metaphysical test, and voila – couplehood. No education about what healthy relationships actually involve: fuck ups and repair attempts, constant consideration of how your choices impact another person, bonding efforts (attention and affection), and of course sexual chemistry. Relationships in Western culture are a bit “magical” in that they just happen and work out. No one discusses what you are actually choosing (the above-mentioned “tasks”) and even doing in the first place (fulfilling primal attachment needs – which I’m realizing, if met properly in developmental years, likely does make pursuit of a partner simpler and rather magical).
We make vows and promises and commitments – but seldom do people choose the “realities” – mainly because we are ignorant of them. No one vows to make repair attempts when they fuck up, to be consistently considerate of their partner in making choices, and to make daily efforts to pay attention and be affectionate with their partner. What also isn’t in the vows is the recourse should the promises not be reciprocated or fulfilled – in essence, relationship satisfaction over the long haul. Marriage is not a marker of relationship success.
Hence this idea of levels appeals to me with room for recourse if relationship goals aren’t met. Both partners have to be aware of and forthcoming about what they want out of a relationship level and what they are willing to put into one. When we jump from casual dating to committed relationship, we create the environment for dramatic (& traumatic) breakups – particularly if we don’t understand chosen connection vs compulsive attachment (referred to as attachment response to stimulus followed by attachment crisis in the previous blog). Lines in movies for female characters often end in “but I love him” when faced with bad behaviour. More accurate would be “but I’m anxiously attached.” It is such a difficult journey from unhealed attachment wounds to conscious connection/coupling.
We all have patterns to identify rooted in attachment wounds – some categorize them as attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure. Once we have identified our unique pattern in whatever category we identify, then find the courage to break the pattern, it will free us up to ask: do I want to level up with this person? Have I seen enough in early stages to make a conscious choice? What does levelling up entail for both of us? For trauma survivors, this relationship model would go a long way in building trust rather than jump in feet first (attachment response) only to be heartbroken later (attachment crisis). It also alleviates ambiguity with which neurodivergent folks like me don’t do well. We like to know what to expect and what is expected of us. And if things don’t work out, there is less risk of attachment crisis because we have a cause & effect framework to make sense of it. Relationship satisfaction is not left up to ‘magic’ or mind reading.
Obviously, a levelled relationship framework is not risk free or without flaws. It does rely on communication and authenticity. Really showing up for another person. It will not filter out manipulators or abusers – but it might reduce getting sucked into a long-term relationship that is not actually set up for longevity. Again, we have to be secure in ourselves to say, ‘Hey, this is not okay with me.’ And if adjustments aren’t made to mutual satisfaction, we can let the person go in order to find what we’re truly looking for.
I came to this realization when faced with the quandary of guarding up & shutting down or sitting with the discomfort to discover what it was trying to tell me. We are resistant to sitting with discomfort because we think it will overtake us in some way – become “too much.” But the discomfort didn’t get any worse by sitting with it. If anything, it lessened as I listened. Answers were able to rise to the surface. My discomfort was about feeling unsafe and uncertain. In trauma recovery terms: both remembering and reliving. Once I could reassure my amygdala that I was not in any danger (aka safe), more awareness became possible. Identifying what was under the safety issue meant I could address it.
Grappling with what arose, I could tease apart being perceived as needy (self-sacrifice for attachment) versus respecting I have reasonable needs given my trauma background. Without sitting with my unease, I could not get to that underlying issue of recognizing I have legitimate markers for relationship satisfaction. Somewhere in my levelled framework for dating and relationships, I want one of those levels to include a partner who consistently communicates that I am, and my needs are, important to him. Inspired by this Moon Omens meme from July 21:
“Focus more on what you deserve and less about what didn’t work out, or what was lacking. Move in the direction of abundance, with a heart full of gratitude and a mind present with the lessons and blessing of what’s here and now and what’s possible.”
I deserve someone who will want to reassure me daily of his interest and my importance to him. This is not ‘asking too much.’ This is a base requirement to ‘level up’ with me. I don’t have to ‘make do’ because guys aren’t capable of consistent communication. Every human being is capable of that. I don’t need another lazy partner or emotionally unavailable male in my life. However, an internal battle is triggered even as I read over what I have written. What if that guy never comes along? Forcing me back to sitting with that discomfort and finding out what is underneath it – and the latter half of the above quote: having faith in what’s possible. What I deserve is possible. And brings me full circle to the quote from Healing Energy Tools that ended my previous blog:
“Focus on giving and receiving love in equal measure while maintaining your own centre.”
Secure connection in a nutshell. When I veer off into scarcity mindset or insufficiency, I lose focus and forget my centre. I want a partner who contributes to my overall wellbeing and not settle for someone who makes me question it. And if I question it in my aloneness, then I have more work to do in maintaining my own centre. Such a quandary! Wanting someone who will support my centre, yet feel grounded on my own.
Regardless of what ‘happy endings’ would have us think, maintaining a bonded connection does require effort. When we are lulled into complacency, we are no longer giving and receiving love in equal measure which leads to compromised cohesion. When we become overfocused on ourselves or neglect our own centre, we also compromise the connection. So, if there is any magic in relationships, it would be in the balancing act of loving in equal measure while maintaining our own core!
Wherever you are at in identifying your relationship patterns and adjusting your framework, may you always know that at your core you are enough. You deserve support, not sabotage – from yourself and those who surround you.
Many of you know that I entered the ‘new world’ of online dating last summer. It has been an experience, to say the least, with a steep learning curve. It has also been informative on so many levels that has fueled much introspection. For this month, it began with a social media meme courtesy of ‘an awkward tale’: Heal. So you can see that attention is not love. Attachment is not connection. And bare minimum is not effort. In response to this, I journalled, “I always thought attachment was the goal to heal the unmet attachment needs. But that is an inner child concern. Adults need connection, not attachment. Hence why attachment styles are symptoms. And “secure” attachment is a bit of a misnomer. Secure connection might be more accurate.”
This springboard for much mulling on the nature of relationships has led to the decision that this blog will be divided in two parts. This first part will focus on attachment versus connection. The second part next month will explore overhauling my framework for relationships with a nod to neurodivergence. As I have blogged about attachment theory and styles in the past (see April 2023), I will jump right into regurgitating my journal entries – in which I realize that consistent attention and affection serves different functions in childhood than in adulthood. In childhood, they are the building blocks of attachment, security, sense of self, and survival itself in our earliest years. Whereas in adulthood, they are necessary for maintaining connection (bonding chemical of oxytocin) and may be required for relationship satisfaction depending on framework (more next month).
As I’ve unpacked this, I have come to see how attention and affection (in early encounters with prospective relationship partners) prompts an attachment response followed by an attachment crisis when the attention and affection (and/or potential relationship) are withdrawn. Hence, they are not indicators of actual attachment – because that is a childhood need – but may be nothing more than intention or interest. I must also disassociate attachment from belonging. As children, we need attachment for survival, safety, and development. As adults, we need connection and belonging.
Ideally, as adults we are already secure individuals, fully integrated selves – not fragmented psyches from unmet attachment needs or traumatic experiences. Thus, our adult selves need to integrate all past versions of ourselves into a safe and loving environment at our inner core – sadly, a developmental task many of us troubled souls missed. We cannot ask that of a fellow adult because we are just prolonging our own development rather than truly healing to be in a healthy relationship. We need to heal ourselves so that we can differentiate attention/affection from love, attachment from connection, and bare minimum from true effort.
Attachment in this context makes me think of a leech – sucking away someone else’s energy and/or life blood. Our healed selves don’t want to be attached; we want to be connected. The time for attachment was childhood when we were vulnerable and dependent upon adults for our very existence. At some point, we must release our grip, our need to latch on to another person, and free fall until we heal and can stand on our own two feet, able to connect with another without attachment – as our own person, knowing our own mind and how we want to be in relationship.
I never understood that before because I was firmly in leech mode. However, I sense in myself a subtle shift from seeking attachment to seeking connection. There is also a subtle shift from dependence to interdependence. The paradox being my fierce independent streak in tandem with my leech mode and the added complication of not relying upon another person for my sense of self. I am discovering self-sufficiency is more than providing for one’s basic needs at the same time as not being the holy grail of “not needing anybody.” I am taking tentative steps from fiercely independent to interdependent. For example, my small circle of friends/contacts/tribe need me as much as I need them. Independence, while a necessary developmental task, is not the place to get stuck.
In a twist of irony, this actually explains a pattern I developed that kept me locked in a dance between attachment and flawed self-sufficiency. In order to remain attached, I needed control of the risks to disconnection. When I was married, I was never “sure” of my husband’s attachment and/or love. Ergo I was always treading carefully so as not to break the tenuous connection or the thread of my sense of self in relation to him. To this day, any irritability or tension is perceived as disconnection in my brain – and I assume connection won’t be regained because it never was with my former husband nor my father. Hence, I will ‘overfunction’ in repair attempts. I essentially grovel for connection and a sense of self.
I have been trying to control connection since a toddler. I am learning that it is no longer a matter of life or death for me. Nor is it a matter of permanence – relationships come and go. Neither do my relationships define who I am. Connection can be repaired when compromised – and connection is not always compromised when there is tension. Just as connection is not always permanent, neither is disconnection – contrary to my experience thus far of managing a network of tenuous connections and threads for my sense of self. I do have genuine connections that are not placed in jeopardy every time there is tension – and my sense of self remains intact.
My pattern is to keep quiet in order not to rock the boat or jeopardize connections – which gets in the way of authenticity and being one’s own self. My reflections this month led to a complete overhaul of understanding relationships – which I will write about next month. In the meantime, I have to see my needs for attention and affection differently, recognize I need connection and not attachment, learn how to negotiate as well as speak my mind, and break the pattern of self-sacrifice in exchange for tenuous connection.
Or as Healing Energy Tools recommended on this Sunday: “Focus on giving and receiving love in equal measure while maintaining your own centre.” More on that next month!
