So. How has your month of May been? Mine has been all over the place – and not just because of the crazy weather here in Manitoba – although that has been a significant part of it. Mid-month, I was prepared to write a blog about a new revelation regarding my neurodivergence – particularly how autistic I really am. However, this past week, I watched a continuing education webinar about social media use called Logging Out or Leaning In – Mental Health Related Consequences of Social Media for Adolescents and You presented by Amori Yee Mikami via my professional association, CCPA.
With the controversy surrounding the upsurge of AI, I found this webinar particularly relevant – and reinforced my decision to use AI as little as possible. However, in today’s online world, it is challenging to determine what is an algorithm-based platform like a search engine and what is artificial-intelligence-produced content – and is there a difference? Organizations in various countries (prompting some to make new laws) have determined that these big tech companies are making apps and platforms with addictive properties geared toward children, let alone adults getting sucked in to click bait and betting apps.
There is no end to greed, it seems. While I have no control over gluttonous corporations, I can choose how to use my devices and to what extent. My particular blend of neurodivergent traits doesn’t find apps, reels, platforms and the like that appealing. I get bored with it pretty quickly. However, I do notice more what provides a dopamine hit and what doesn’t. I don’t know if anyone has done a study on how technology affects neurodivergent brains compared to neurotypical ones; but they are designed to suck you in and keep you engaged.
As the presentation I watched explained, social media has monetized attention. Eyeballs plus interaction equals income. It is no longer simply about connecting with old friends and distant family but has become a regular part of life having been around for approximately 20 years already. A portion of the population doesn’t even know what it’s like to be without technology snuggled in the palm of one’s hand, or available at the flick of a wrist, or embedded in one’s ears. The impact on mental health and development has become a global concern.
I appreciated the practical recommendations made by Amori Mikami. It isn’t about abstaining from social media (although that has limited benefit); it is about choosing how to use it mindfully rather than reflexively. Here are some questions to ask ourselves and/or teach our children/adolescents.
Am I going on social media as a reflex or am I making an active and informed choice?
Why do I want to check social media right now?
Is this a good time and place to check social media?
What do I want to do on social media?
Is doing this going to be good for me?
If it is a good time and place, and for a good reason, then go for it. When done for that reason, notice that, and STOP. Get off social media when the reason or goal has been achieved. The challenge for neurodivergent brains is the neurotransmitter dopamine. Often, we get sucked in because it ‘feels good’ due to the hit of dopamine (something our brains lack) and is tricky to quit something stimulating. On the flip side, we can also become overstimulated easily by the content in our feeds, so finding that sweet spot and respecting it isn’t easy.
Good reasons include:
activities that bring joy or meaning,
strengthen relationships and connections with people far away,
social supports.
What makes social media use worse:
endless scrolling,
time wasting,
social comparisons,
rumination (overthinking),
isolation,
not furthering meaningful relationships or connections.
Mikami encourages to make it a family challenge that fosters dialogue: What’s been hard and been easy for you? And to discuss monetized attention and the dilemma that what is viewed could be useful information, but most content providers want your money. Just like watching commercials. We have to be aware of what someone is selling and why. What she calls healthy scepticism.
This actually dovetails with the addiction webinar series I was watching along with a mini-article that I saved for quitting smoking. Once we have determined we are ready to quit the harmful activity (smoking, drinking, scrolling, binge eating etc.), next comes the hard part – dealing with cravings. The article suggests trying the 4 Ds.
Delay – when you feel the urge to participate in the habit you are trying to quit, wait 10 minutes before lighting up, picking up your phone, taking a sip or a bite, etc. and your craving may disappear. From a therapy perspective, this also acts as a way to increase distress tolerance – tolerating the discomfort of your craving a little longer each time.
Distract yourself – try an activity that doesn’t allow you to smoke, drink, access your phone, etc. such as participating in a physical activity, cooking a meal, playing with pets or children – or choosing another source of dopamine like listening to music.
Deep breathing – may help you focus on something other than your harmful habit. It also engages the parasympathetic nervous system for calming or regulating your mind and body. Breathe in through the nose, hold for a moment or two, then exhale through the mouth. Do this three times and check in how your brain and body feels. Keep doing in groups of three until you notice your system slowing down.
Drink water – to help flush nicotine or other toxins out of your system and to keep your mouth busy.
I modified these pointers to be applicable to more than smoking, and I don’t know what magazine I saved this little article out of, but I think it’s worth a try given its similarity and overlap with other coping tools I’ve come across in my line of work. Our brains and bodies will thank us – and maybe our friends and family, too.
Please share any breaking-bad-habit or forming-healthy-habit tips that you have found helpful. While I have to keep my overactive brain from dwelling on the discouraging side of where technology is leading us, I hope I can moderate my use of it and continue making the world a better place just by being in it – which includes releasing what no longer serves me in order to embrace what makes life more fulfilling.
Iceland 2012 – Sculpture commemorating Þorgerðr brák at Borgarnes, Iceland – Þorgerðr brák (anglicised as Thorgerd Brak) is a character in Egils saga. Þorgerðr is a servant or slave of tenth-century Icelandic warrior and farmer Skalla-Grímr. The saga narrator describes her as ‘an imposing woman, as strong as a man and well-versed in the magic arts.’ Her nickname might come from Old Norse brák, a leatherworking tool.
Unlearning, learning, retraining the brain, and trauma recovery happens in layers. Just when we think we’ve got a concept down pat, lesson over, time to move on – it resurfaces in another context or on a deeper level. Strength training – building up my inner core – is definitely like that and is the theme for April. And it involves the work of seeing myself differently. I even caught myself one morning, looking in the mirror, and having a moment of ‘we’re not doing that anymore.’ I can’t remember what negative self-talk had started up – but it is more important to remember that I chose not to engage. It was a memorable moment for that alone.
Mid-April I journalled about seeing myself as capable vs insufficient and needing to prove myself – prompted by a communication ‘glitch’ with someone that while regrettable “had to happen – because I was so caught up in my insecurities.” The glitch acted like a reset. The concluding statement of that entry still resonates: “I don’t need reassurance from anyone, I need it from me.” The antidote to anxiety – one of those strength training exercises to build up my inner core – to reassure myself that I am capable and sufficient.
The next day, I noted that “I need to be stronger in my sense of self. Own my presence. Not grow a damn thicker skin – I have no desire to be hard and crusty…It is more an awareness and ownership – an inner strength – not an outer crust. This is what has always been lacking. I am a grown-ass woman, responsible for my own emotions, thoughts, and feelings. The days of being taken care of are long past me…[referring back to the father -wound]. I will never have a parent take care of me or help me process emotions or teach me coping strategies.” The communication glitch involved wanting an emotionally corrective experience with someone when I needed to self-soothe after a hard day. Even though I was so overwhelmed I couldn’t see straight, I later recognized the need to reclaim my power and my presence. “I need to reassure myself. Be confident in my own decisions. Be rooted and grounded in Love. There is nothing to second guess. I must dig down to my centre – engage my core.”
So in a way, the communication glitch did serve as an emotionally corrective experience, but in reverse – “as an opportunity for me to break my pattern. This is where I have to circumvent victim-mode of trauma recovery and interrupt the pity party. Accept the reality of being an adult rather than pine for the child’s need to be rescued and reassured. I never got that. And only I can provide that now. If I met an individual capable of soothing me, it would stagnate my growth. In an ideal world, it would heal that father-wound; but we don’t live in an ideal world. It is embarrassing to realize I wanted to be parented. Helpful, but horrifying. I need to show up as an adult, not a child.”
Later I revisited the concept of strength training as an effort to “build up an immunity to judgements, criticism, and distancing tactics. Be vulnerable enough to admit I wanted someone to parent me – but there was nobody there. Not in a whiny victim tone, but as a curious observer. I showed up as a whiny, petulant girl – not a woman who can handle her own business. Only trick being I didn’t feel like a woman who could handle her own business. Interesting. Still that little girl longing to be rescued. I need to reassure her she doesn’t need rescuing anymore!”
As usual for me, social media messages came through my feed that pertained to this idea of strength training: “A reminder that you’ve made it this far and that you have the strength to keep going. Breathe deeply. Let go of self-doubt…You are capable, worthy, and stronger than you realize. Keep shining, keep growing.” From Healing Energy Tools, April 16th. As well as this one from the 15th: “You are entering a time of personal expansion. Old limits are fading and new possibilities are appearing. Believe in your ability to grow beyond what once felt impossible. Your potential is greater than you realize.” In response I wrote in my journal: “This is all so very true…I have to expand from looking outside myself for soothing, care, and attention – and look within. While relationships and human connections are the stuff of healing, there is also the recognition of growing past that – not turtling, but expanding. Now there’s a brain teaser! Turning within for expansion rather than self-preservation. My head is spinning right now trying to grasp that one.”
That juxtaposition of looking within for expansion rather than turtling (hiding deep within myself) in self-preservation is going to be mind-bending for a while – and take practice to assimilate into my core beliefs and self-understanding. I have some more unlearning to do of the belief system I was raised within, developing stronger beliefs that truly strengthen my core, continue retraining my brain (getting new neurons firing and wiring together), and transitioning through the trauma-recovery modes of victim, survivor, and thriving. It is embarrassing and painful whenever I catch myself back in victim mode, but such an elevation when I survive and even thrive with new inner strength.
Happy growing pains! May your inner core be strengthened as you handle whatever Life throws at you.
Belated Happy New Year! I am still here. Learning, growing, journalling. The past three or four months have been a tad chaotic as there have been some interesting developments in my life to which I am slowly adapting. In some ways, it does feel like I’ve been undergoing metamorphosis within a cocoon during that time, making this blog entry a form of emergence. Due to the ah-ha moment I experienced during this morning’s journalling, the cocoon metaphor is rather apt. However, the imagery that arose while journalling was of a highly-lacquered shell that I am shedding.
In a rather bizarre coincidence (?), yesterday I was transcribing journal entries from 2006 that remain relevant twenty years later. My subconscious did its usual overnight processing with surprising results – another layer exposed of a topic that I have circled more than once over the decades. Back in 2006, I was puzzling over the relationship between love and protection – and how I seldom, if ever, felt either. I queried what I need protection from as well as by whom. When reprocessing two decades later, it reinforced the connection to never completing the development stages of love and belonging, safety and security as a child.
In a weird twist, I recognized that subconsciously I had come to the conclusion early on that my only chance to feel safe and loved would be in the romantic context of finding a mate. Fast forward a few years, and I would struggle with a form of transference every time a male person would be kind or attentive. Transference referring to the subconscious process of transferring thoughts or feelings from one person or situation onto another (e.g. seeing a teacher or a therapist as a lover/protector/parent/etc. and reacting accordingly).
I was aware of the transference issue a long time ago. The new layer came in the connection between what I failed to learn as a child and how that transferred into my confusing relationships with any male personage – particularly the interconnected needs for love and protection. Circle back to my flawed conclusion that I just had to find the right mate and all would be well – therein lies the double quandary. This also clarifies why my marital dissatisfaction affected me so deeply – and why I worked so hard at resolving it.
How to explain all that? I might need a diagram. 😊 Imagine an inner circle of love and protection with four overlapping circles of childhood needs, marriage, transference, and my protective hard shell. My unmet childhood needs for love and protection (I still have a visceral reaction when I think about that unprotected child) led to a belief that I would find that once I married. Unfortunately, my marriage did not provide the love and protection I craved which spilled over into transference whenever a male person was kind or attentive to me leading to intense inner angst and questioning what was wrong with me. Every failed experience at “earning” love and protection added another layer to my hard shell of personal protectiveness resulting in extreme trust issues and an aversion to vulnerability, authenticity, and true intimacy in any context.
The protection piece finally made sense in light of my childhood in that I never felt safe and secure. I didn’t need my marriage partner to protect me from external threats. If anything, I needed him to protect the relationship – that I was treasured and cherished enough to know I was worth protecting – something I never experienced as a child (that still makes me want to cry). I have attempted to complete that trauma loop by focusing on no longer being a vulnerable child needing protection to an adult with choices to protect myself – and subconsciously adding another layer to my shell with every disappointment in myself or the men around me.
So. All this work on healing the father wound (and/or other attachment wounds) to help me see that I am worth protecting and to be open to receiving said (metaphorical) protection. It has been quite the journey developing a secure sense of self (strong inner core) over the past few years! It is the abstract nature of this protection that likely tripped me up for so long. My life experiences taught me I couldn’t trust/rely on anyone – and later a precious few – so I had to have my own back. While in a practical sense this remains true (I am an adult with choices rather than a vulnerable child needing protection), I have undergone an ’emotionally corrective experience’ that has opened me to accept that I am worth protecting in the abstract or general as well as practical sense.
I have also been working on reparenting my inner child and all those other trauma-recovery techniques I blog about. So imagine my surprise when this layer involves other people and shedding my shell (or at least decreasing its thickness) to receive love and protection. It is hard for me to explain these overlapping circles including circling back twenty years to have this ah-ha moment. It will likely take some time to ‘settle’ into my psyche as it has prompted an internal shift. In a nutshell, I see myself differently today than I did yesterday.
This next paragraph is an ‘addendum’ after having a day or two to process. I wrote in my journal, “Before I can accept ‘I am loved,’ I must recognize ‘I am safe.’ Safety precludes feeling loved. I never felt loved because I never felt safe. But my brain only understood that I was unloved, ergo there was something wrong with me and therefore unlovable. When the real problem was unprotected and unsafe.” As I am starting to feel safe in my own skin and in the company of others, I can also begin to feel loved – and it is a tremendous feeling.
I hope your 2026 has gotten off to an amazing start – maybe with less dramatic cocooning moments than mine – which reminds me of the transition from the Year of the Snake to the Year of the Fire Horse. It is definitely turning out to be a year of transformation for me! Feel free to share how the first three months of 2026 have been for you or if you have any questions regarding this blog.
