Well, here it is July; and time to write Part 2 of Relationships. I’m finding it difficult to pick up where I left off last month. I lulled myself into a sense of complacency that this month’s blog would be easy given I had ‘written’ most of it last month. Now my notes seem disjointed, resistant to cohesion. Maybe that’s what happens in some relationships. We get lulled into complacency until cohesion becomes elusive or intolerable. Yes, one never knows where my brain will wander off to. 😊
At any rate, last month I left off needing connection more than attachment and learning how to negotiate as well as speak my mind. My pattern is to keep quiet in order not to rock the boat or jeopardize connections – which gets in the way of authenticity and being one’s own self. I’ve also had to consider how being neurodivergent, with a skewed sense of self plus trust issues, plays into relationships – as well as gender socialization and cultural expectation (think fairytale endings). Yes, that is a lot to tumble around my brain!
It’s been an interesting exercise to consider neurodivergent relationships do look different from neurotypical ones – leading to a complete overhaul of relationships in my mental framework – and that there are many ways to be in a relationship. In broad terms, relationships are two people showing up and figuring it out. My tendency is to take on more responsibility for figuring it out – in addition to operating from the assumption of being judged and deemed worth the effort or not. That dynamic is definitely not healthy. It has to be two equal partners with matched effort.
I have been dependent upon external validation – terms of endearment, affirmation, affection – that elicit the bonding chemical oxytocin – as a necessary building block, or the cornerstone, if you will. And when that is absent, I feel adrift. Yet people can show up and seek connection in other ways (appropriate attention and affection will look different for everybody – especially neurodivergents and trauma survivors). Pursuing connection over attachment allows me to see what is there instead of what isn’t. I have to show up regardless if it puts the connection in jeopardy. It boils down to confidence – in myself – to break that damn pattern of hiding/ accommodating/ people pleasing in seeking attachment.
Self-sacrifice in exchange for attachment. The deep dive in my journal resulted in thinking of relationship development in terms of levels. Neurotypicals present relationships (as seen in movies/TV and personal observation) as some sort of spark of interest, a bit of pursuit by either or both parties, passing some sort of metaphysical test, and voila – couplehood. No education about what healthy relationships actually involve: fuck ups and repair attempts, constant consideration of how your choices impact another person, bonding efforts (attention and affection), and of course sexual chemistry. Relationships in Western culture are a bit “magical” in that they just happen and work out. No one discusses what you are actually choosing (the above-mentioned “tasks”) and even doing in the first place (fulfilling primal attachment needs – which I’m realizing, if met properly in developmental years, likely does make pursuit of a partner simpler and rather magical).
We make vows and promises and commitments – but seldom do people choose the “realities” – mainly because we are ignorant of them. No one vows to make repair attempts when they fuck up, to be consistently considerate of their partner in making choices, and to make daily efforts to pay attention and be affectionate with their partner. What also isn’t in the vows is the recourse should the promises not be reciprocated or fulfilled – in essence, relationship satisfaction over the long haul. Marriage is not a marker of relationship success.
Hence this idea of levels appeals to me with room for recourse if relationship goals aren’t met. Both partners have to be aware of and forthcoming about what they want out of a relationship level and what they are willing to put into one. When we jump from casual dating to committed relationship, we create the environment for dramatic (& traumatic) breakups – particularly if we don’t understand chosen connection vs compulsive attachment (referred to as attachment response to stimulus followed by attachment crisis in the previous blog). Lines in movies for female characters often end in “but I love him” when faced with bad behaviour. More accurate would be “but I’m anxiously attached.” It is such a difficult journey from unhealed attachment wounds to conscious connection/coupling.
We all have patterns to identify rooted in attachment wounds – some categorize them as attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure. Once we have identified our unique pattern in whatever category we identify, then find the courage to break the pattern, it will free us up to ask: do I want to level up with this person? Have I seen enough in early stages to make a conscious choice? What does levelling up entail for both of us? For trauma survivors, this relationship model would go a long way in building trust rather than jump in feet first (attachment response) only to be heartbroken later (attachment crisis). It also alleviates ambiguity with which neurodivergent folks like me don’t do well. We like to know what to expect and what is expected of us. And if things don’t work out, there is less risk of attachment crisis because we have a cause & effect framework to make sense of it. Relationship satisfaction is not left up to ‘magic’ or mind reading.
Obviously, a levelled relationship framework is not risk free or without flaws. It does rely on communication and authenticity. Really showing up for another person. It will not filter out manipulators or abusers – but it might reduce getting sucked into a long-term relationship that is not actually set up for longevity. Again, we have to be secure in ourselves to say, ‘Hey, this is not okay with me.’ And if adjustments aren’t made to mutual satisfaction, we can let the person go in order to find what we’re truly looking for.
I came to this realization when faced with the quandary of guarding up & shutting down or sitting with the discomfort to discover what it was trying to tell me. We are resistant to sitting with discomfort because we think it will overtake us in some way – become “too much.” But the discomfort didn’t get any worse by sitting with it. If anything, it lessened as I listened. Answers were able to rise to the surface. My discomfort was about feeling unsafe and uncertain. In trauma recovery terms: both remembering and reliving. Once I could reassure my amygdala that I was not in any danger (aka safe), more awareness became possible. Identifying what was under the safety issue meant I could address it.
Grappling with what arose, I could tease apart being perceived as needy (self-sacrifice for attachment) versus respecting I have reasonable needs given my trauma background. Without sitting with my unease, I could not get to that underlying issue of recognizing I have legitimate markers for relationship satisfaction. Somewhere in my levelled framework for dating and relationships, I want one of those levels to include a partner who consistently communicates that I am, and my needs are, important to him. Inspired by this Moon Omens meme from July 21:
“Focus more on what you deserve and less about what didn’t work out, or what was lacking. Move in the direction of abundance, with a heart full of gratitude and a mind present with the lessons and blessing of what’s here and now and what’s possible.”
I deserve someone who will want to reassure me daily of his interest and my importance to him. This is not ‘asking too much.’ This is a base requirement to ‘level up’ with me. I don’t have to ‘make do’ because guys aren’t capable of consistent communication. Every human being is capable of that. I don’t need another lazy partner or emotionally unavailable male in my life. However, an internal battle is triggered even as I read over what I have written. What if that guy never comes along? Forcing me back to sitting with that discomfort and finding out what is underneath it – and the latter half of the above quote: having faith in what’s possible. What I deserve is possible. And brings me full circle to the quote from Healing Energy Tools that ended my previous blog:
“Focus on giving and receiving love in equal measure while maintaining your own centre.”
Secure connection in a nutshell. When I veer off into scarcity mindset or insufficiency, I lose focus and forget my centre. I want a partner who contributes to my overall wellbeing and not settle for someone who makes me question it. And if I question it in my aloneness, then I have more work to do in maintaining my own centre. Such a quandary! Wanting someone who will support my centre, yet feel grounded on my own.
Regardless of what ‘happy endings’ would have us think, maintaining a bonded connection does require effort. When we are lulled into complacency, we are no longer giving and receiving love in equal measure which leads to compromised cohesion. When we become overfocused on ourselves or neglect our own centre, we also compromise the connection. So, if there is any magic in relationships, it would be in the balancing act of loving in equal measure while maintaining our own core!
Wherever you are at in identifying your relationship patterns and adjusting your framework, may you always know that at your core you are enough. You deserve support, not sabotage – from yourself and those who surround you.
Many of you know that I entered the ‘new world’ of online dating last summer. It has been an experience, to say the least, with a steep learning curve. It has also been informative on so many levels that has fueled much introspection. For this month, it began with a social media meme courtesy of ‘an awkward tale’: Heal. So you can see that attention is not love. Attachment is not connection. And bare minimum is not effort. In response to this, I journalled, “I always thought attachment was the goal to heal the unmet attachment needs. But that is an inner child concern. Adults need connection, not attachment. Hence why attachment styles are symptoms. And “secure” attachment is a bit of a misnomer. Secure connection might be more accurate.”
This springboard for much mulling on the nature of relationships has led to the decision that this blog will be divided in two parts. This first part will focus on attachment versus connection. The second part next month will explore overhauling my framework for relationships with a nod to neurodivergence. As I have blogged about attachment theory and styles in the past (see April 2023), I will jump right into regurgitating my journal entries – in which I realize that consistent attention and affection serves different functions in childhood than in adulthood. In childhood, they are the building blocks of attachment, security, sense of self, and survival itself in our earliest years. Whereas in adulthood, they are necessary for maintaining connection (bonding chemical of oxytocin) and may be required for relationship satisfaction depending on framework (more next month).
As I’ve unpacked this, I have come to see how attention and affection (in early encounters with prospective relationship partners) prompts an attachment response followed by an attachment crisis when the attention and affection (and/or potential relationship) are withdrawn. Hence, they are not indicators of actual attachment – because that is a childhood need – but may be nothing more than intention or interest. I must also disassociate attachment from belonging. As children, we need attachment for survival, safety, and development. As adults, we need connection and belonging.
Ideally, as adults we are already secure individuals, fully integrated selves – not fragmented psyches from unmet attachment needs or traumatic experiences. Thus, our adult selves need to integrate all past versions of ourselves into a safe and loving environment at our inner core – sadly, a developmental task many of us troubled souls missed. We cannot ask that of a fellow adult because we are just prolonging our own development rather than truly healing to be in a healthy relationship. We need to heal ourselves so that we can differentiate attention/affection from love, attachment from connection, and bare minimum from true effort.
Attachment in this context makes me think of a leech – sucking away someone else’s energy and/or life blood. Our healed selves don’t want to be attached; we want to be connected. The time for attachment was childhood when we were vulnerable and dependent upon adults for our very existence. At some point, we must release our grip, our need to latch on to another person, and free fall until we heal and can stand on our own two feet, able to connect with another without attachment – as our own person, knowing our own mind and how we want to be in relationship.
I never understood that before because I was firmly in leech mode. However, I sense in myself a subtle shift from seeking attachment to seeking connection. There is also a subtle shift from dependence to interdependence. The paradox being my fierce independent streak in tandem with my leech mode and the added complication of not relying upon another person for my sense of self. I am discovering self-sufficiency is more than providing for one’s basic needs at the same time as not being the holy grail of “not needing anybody.” I am taking tentative steps from fiercely independent to interdependent. For example, my small circle of friends/contacts/tribe need me as much as I need them. Independence, while a necessary developmental task, is not the place to get stuck.
In a twist of irony, this actually explains a pattern I developed that kept me locked in a dance between attachment and flawed self-sufficiency. In order to remain attached, I needed control of the risks to disconnection. When I was married, I was never “sure” of my husband’s attachment and/or love. Ergo I was always treading carefully so as not to break the tenuous connection or the thread of my sense of self in relation to him. To this day, any irritability or tension is perceived as disconnection in my brain – and I assume connection won’t be regained because it never was with my former husband nor my father. Hence, I will ‘overfunction’ in repair attempts. I essentially grovel for connection and a sense of self.
I have been trying to control connection since a toddler. I am learning that it is no longer a matter of life or death for me. Nor is it a matter of permanence – relationships come and go. Neither do my relationships define who I am. Connection can be repaired when compromised – and connection is not always compromised when there is tension. Just as connection is not always permanent, neither is disconnection – contrary to my experience thus far of managing a network of tenuous connections and threads for my sense of self. I do have genuine connections that are not placed in jeopardy every time there is tension – and my sense of self remains intact.
My pattern is to keep quiet in order not to rock the boat or jeopardize connections – which gets in the way of authenticity and being one’s own self. My reflections this month led to a complete overhaul of understanding relationships – which I will write about next month. In the meantime, I have to see my needs for attention and affection differently, recognize I need connection and not attachment, learn how to negotiate as well as speak my mind, and break the pattern of self-sacrifice in exchange for tenuous connection.
Or as Healing Energy Tools recommended on this Sunday: “Focus on giving and receiving love in equal measure while maintaining your own centre.” More on that next month!
May has been an interesting month for me. A bit of an emotional roller coaster, yet stabilizing as well. In reading over this month’s journal entries, a clear theme didn’t surface as in previous months. So it is a bit more challenging to summarize where I’m at on my healing journey. However, because of the focus on Heffalumps, this could be considered a continuation of last month’s blog on cPTSD (see April 2025)
One of the concepts on repeat this month came in the form of a little ditty I conjured up inspired by memes exhorting me to reclaim my power and “step up” in one form or another. This prompted a cPTSD response akin to a minor rebellion, or in the context of my Internal Family System (see Nov 2024), my Heffalumps got a tad restless. My brain and body declared they did not want to “power up” for fear of being pushed too far: “It’ll be too much for me.” Ergo, yet another trauma loop to complete (see July 2024). I am no longer a “dependent” (either child or spouse) without personal power and choice. I have options previously unavailable to me.
I can say no I can say yes I can stop to take a rest
This led to more musings of my teenage years, my marriage, and the various contexts in which I felt pressured to perform. “I am terrified of being pushed beyond my limits.”
In my journal, I also wrote about loneliness more than once this month. Especially acknowledging that this may be an off-and-on struggle for me my entire life – primarily in regard to a sense of belonging. Using my Internal Family System analogy, at least one Heffalump is always hungry – much like Winnie-the-Pooh – and steals his honey. 😊 But the hunger is a perpetual feeling of sadness, a loneliness – a hunger for belonging, for being seen, for feeling connected.
This hit home again later in the month watching a webinar of two indigenous survivors of the broadly-named Sixties Scoop. I could rant about that vicious cycle for hours – apprehension of children is higher than ever now; and the system which causes the issues then circumvents extended family from stepping into the gap. Heartbreaking stories. But I will take my one foot off that soapbox and step back. I think it’s hard for me because I can personally (as well as professionally) relate to their trauma stories even though the context differs. A system perpetuates the problem – a system they are stuck fighting. At least I could leave the religious institution(s) that contributed to my intergenerational trauma. I am not stuck fighting them.
Mid-month, a minor incident occurred that triggered a significant cPTSD response.
“When you were left emotionally alone as a child, even small signs of disconnection can feel like abandonment all over again. That intensity doesn’t mean you’re weak – it means you’re remembering, and your nervous system is trying to protect you.” ~ Tiny Buddha
It felt like the Heffalumps were stampeding past the internal family members standing motionless, gaping at the charging herd, panicked by the sight of dust flying everywhere, the cacophony of sounds, and smell of ‘danger’ thick in the air. Everyone was frozen in place, unsure what to do. Things didn’t settle down until I, the narrator of my Internal Family System story, could process the following:
“There’s a part of you that fears things will go wrong even when they’re going right. You got so accustomed to inconsistent results earlier in your life that you carried the pattern of thoughts that went with it; and it’s time to drop that. A big part of loving yourself involves you accepting that you deserve every single thing you’ve manifested and attracted into your life. Including everything you’ve yet to…” May 12 Source Message
I had to refocus on what was consistent versus what could be interpreted as abandonment or being judged inferior. I had to recognize I was remembering, not reliving. I also had to revisit entrenched patterns of behaviour designed to protect myself by placating and appeasing others. The ‘disconnect’ was that I didn’t need to so with this particular person. They weren’t expecting that of me. It was not my responsibility to make or keep them happy. That was their choice in that particular moment. The trigger was that I was trying to placate them, then felt written off as a disappointment. I was operating from survival mode, not thriving.
“If you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you’ve already forgotten your value.” ~ unknown.
I do not have to prove my worth or make myself lovable or acceptable. That is old programming that I need to release and to upgrade my operating system to one of a strong inner core that knows my innate value. It required a significant inner shift – from one of seeking external validation to one of knowing my worth – that I was important. It is hard to explain, but it is different to operate from a place of knowing you are important rather than always second guessing it and needing proof – or if things go awry that it is interpreted as proof of being unacceptable.
That Source Message from May 12 really hit home for me. A message that was reinforced a couple more times by others: “You no longer carry the weight of your past into new experiences. Which is why things are opening up for you, why you feel new moments more deeply. Where your energy used to close off, it now invites…” (May 16); and “Your vibe is becoming more in tune with who you really are, and less of a reflection of the environment you were brought up in. That innate space is where your unique gifts reside; it’s where your purpose lives; and it’s where you’ll find the consistent peace of mind that comes with no longer carrying the responsibility of being who others want you to be…” (May 22).
In some ways, my healing journey came full circle this month, back to levelling up. But in a different way than my brain first perceived it. It isn’t about ‘doing,’ it is about ‘being.’ I tell my clients all the time it is about expressing your True Self rather than accomplishing or achieving. Reclaiming power and preparing for ‘greater things to come’ doesn’t have anything to do with strengths and limitations. It is being in tune with our True Selves and living from that inner core rather than any external influences. While hard to explain, when you experience the internal shift, everything changes.
It is no longer about being pushed too far, pressured to perform, placate, appease, or people-please. It becomes a gentle inner strength that influences how we perceive incoming information as well as how we choose to express ourselves through our words, actions, boundaries, and choices. It is like changing the filters on your inner filtration system. Not only is there less gunk to sort through, but the very nature of the filter is upgraded to process with greater clarity – like upgrading from basic to anti-allergen filters. 😊
Not sure where this will land for my followers, so feel free to share your thoughts and experiences with thoughts gone awry like stampeding Heffalumps, internal shifts, or filters that you’ve upgraded.
