The Winding Path

Counselling Services provided by Barb Zacharias

May 2019: Meandering Musings

Posted on May 24, 2019

May 2019: Meandering Musings

I am conflicted about what to write this month. I began by writing about my Mother’s Day experience. However, that wormed itself into the abortion/adoption issue which morphed into human equality. I initially titled this blog Mothers & Mentors; but mentors were all but forgotten in my first draft.  Then I took a meander down memory lane as I worked on crafting a 50th birthday card for my brother. And I realized how much I miss the relationship we once had, plus all the adventures we shared. The thread of all these musings? Attachments.

I went from sharing a personal experience, to sharing thoughts on a tender topic. However, as passionately as I believe in human equality, connection, and compassion, social media is not the platform for changing the world. And quite frankly, the world doesn’t want to change. So I considered my intentions for communicating. I get quite discouraged by the discourse, or lack thereof, in “popular controversies.” I cannot change people’s minds; but I sometimes think I can educate people into changing their minds. After all, education has changed my mind on several occasions. However, one’s mind has to be open to be changed. As long as we have closed minds, no amount of education will make a difference. Compassion is also a necessity for change.

Which brings me back to attachments. If we adhere more strongly to our beliefs then we do to people with, compassion and empathy, we completely miss the point of life: connection. We cannot connect if we are judging, focusing on right versus wrong. Life isn’t black and white. But one can never go wrong with putting people ahead of agendas. And if you do think in black and white, then you are missing out. I know. Because I have been there—on both sides of the coin—the judging and the judged. It does not bring people together or ease anyone’s suffering.

So, in the spirit of sharing for supporting those who suffer…

I had a surreal yet visceral experience this past Mother’s Day during a walk in the woods with two fur babies: I talked to my two miscarried children. I have never done that before. Oddly, a Mother’s Day first for me. Even asked them to say hello to their grandmother for me.

As profound as the experience was of connecting with my somewhat imaginary children, it was very peaceful and soothing. I didn’t want to have children; so I was very conflicted about being pregnant. And yes, I will admit relieved when I didn’t carry to term. However, there is an unbreakable bond that forms when one conceives (knowingly or unknowingly). On Facebook I posted: Whether you have lost children by choice or by tragedy, know they are caring for you from the other side and you are loved.

These unborn souls have no resentments. It is like they are still in their purest form. The world hasn’t had a chance to twist perfection yet. And I believe they understand that they were not meant for this world. They do not hold a grudge about being aborted (forced or natural). Now, this is where my blog goes awry; and I veer off-course by going cerebral instead of remaining personal.

When I stay with my own experience, I sense deep sadness and grief; not for my miscarried children, but my own insecure childhood. I wish I could glibly “move on” into adulthood; but it is much more complicated than that. Education and compassionate presence from caring souls have helped me understand my lived experience and find ways to cope; but it’s a struggle to know that it will always be a struggle. All because of the lack of healthy attachments as an infant, child, adolescent, and young adult. This is why I am passionate about human equality and connection. I do not want others to struggle like I do.

I also understand today’s sadness a bit better as I miss the inexplicable bond I once had with my brother. In our culture, we take bonding for granted and/or are ignorant of its importance with its long-lasting effects of both secure and insecure attachments. And what it means when we lose those attachments. My most secure attachment was with my brother. The second was with my dog, Gracie. I am grateful for the bonding that has developed with my (half)sister. I do not develop bonds easily; and when they are lost, it is truly devastating.

If I could have a single wish granted, it would be for the world to grasp the importance of human bonding and connection. I would like to think the world’s ills would be greatly reduced by that subtle change. In the meantime, I will continue to pursue spreading compassion and connection in whatever ways I can, and live with the disappointments. For that is the nature of Life: an intricate dance of joy and sorrow.


  1. Thank you for your brave words ,Barb. I feel that when we say it out loud that it is fine to not want your own children, it makes it more normal for the next generation. Since You hit it right on the head: it IS all about connection and healthy attachment (I see it in my preschool classroom)and I’m sure that’s the root of why people come to talk to you. I wonder in my own family how far back the women would have stopped having babies had that not been the culturally expected thing to do? 😉

  2. Thanks Barb! Half sister or no, our bond is SO important to me! There have been plenty of times that I don’t know what I would have done without your friendship and support! You have taught me so much and opened my eyes to new ideas and concepts. I miss you tons! 🙂

  3. This one touched deep – connection -with others. Perhaps that is exactly the word to describe the desire of every human to feel connected to someone or something as a way to feel safe, secure, a reason to keep living through all the joys and sorrows this life brings us. Finding even just one connection, be it another individual, or another living creature just the fact that both are “living” entities like one’s self brings comfort. True, for some individuals it might be a non-living thing .. yet .. for human beings every action starts with a “thought” first .. and the mind is a powerful part of the essence of living beings that without another living entity to connect with can destroy even the best of intentions to keep going. It is truly a mystery that well, just is. Believe it or not, it is a choice and it is hard work to control our minds. Just is.

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