Posted on Mar 17, 2020
While the world is distracted by Covid 19, I have been mulling over the idea of rebuilding (heads up, this is going to be a long rant!). Not my home—that I am renovating, not rebuilding, thank goodness! Recently, I watched an interview that impelled me to share my thoughts on a controversial topic: Truth & Reconciliation for indigenous Canadians. The interviewee, Tanya Talaga, proposes a more accurate word to reconciliation is rebuilding. I concur. There is nothing to reconcile between two unequal partners. The goal of colonization was obliteration—not collaboration. And it nearly succeeded. However, what remains are empty shells of once proud and soulful members of many nations.
It reminds me of the Holocaust. There are similarities
between how Hitler and John A MacDonald tried to destroy not only a group of
people, but a rich and vibrant culture and its various communities as well. A
difference between the first prime minister of Canada and the leader of the
Third Reich is dramatic impact. MacDonald (and other early politicians) managed
a subtle, invasive, insidious, genocide that masqueraded as colonization for
the good of the people of Canada. But which people? The ones who welcomed or
invaded? The betrayal, deceit, and trickery used by Canadian government officials
and politicians are abhorrent and would never be tolerated today.
In fact, they would be considered war crimes. Yet the general populace is tremendously dismissive of the indigenous situation. I was raised on the same platitudes and blame-the-victim attitude. Hence, countering ignorance is key. We are inundated with books, movies, documentaries about the atrocities of WWII. There is no denying it happened; that it was horrid and wrong on so many levels. The world has, for the most part, taken ownership of WWII and made efforts to prevent a repeat. We can’t imagine how it happened in the first place and are incredulous that there is a viable threat of it happening again.However, history has repeatedly proven that it does repeat itself. We have seen it in countries on all continents at various points in recorded history—dynasties in China; tribal wars in Africa; the British, Russian, and Roman Empires; Spanish conquests. Since the dawn of time, rulers have invaded countries, conquered its inhabitants, decimated cultures (Polynesian Islands, Celts, Aztecs, Mayans, to name a few). Enlightenment appears to have a short shelf life.
Which, in trauma terms, begs the question: how to break the
pattern of abuse? Throwing money at the problem is another version of sweeping
“it” under the rug (aka “hush money”). But that is not in the true spirit of
“reconciliation.” Reconciliation implies restoration—that ship sailed with the
first broken treaty and scurvy-infested Hudson Bay blanket.
In therapeutic aims, to restore a broken relationship
requires all parties taking ownership of what they contributed to the situation
and what they bring to the table moving forward. New terms of the relationship
are negotiated. If all parties do not benefit in mutually satisfying ways, then
someone sacrifices for the sake of the relationship, the relationship shifts
(usually a downgrade) to factor in discrepancies, or it disintegrates.
So far, the Canadian government holds the power and calls
the shots. It is by no means a mutually satisfying relationship, and separation
or disintegration is not an option. Hence Canada’s indigenous peoples are
forced into making the sacrifices and downgrading the relationship. None of us
would have the privilege of living in this amazing country if it wasn’t for the
original inhabitants welcoming the intruders and showing them the ropes of how
to survive and thrive. Those who take the position of the “conquering hero,”
speak from the colonization point of view—not the conquered—as history
generally is written from the conquerors perspective. How arrogant to assume all
is fair in war—or accurate in historic accounts.
When what happened 150-200 years ago occurs today, people
flee, become refugees, seek asylum. Where are indigenous Canadians supposed to
go? It is absurd to think that the country within which modern refugees seek
shelter historically created the very environment that forces others out. More
ludicrous is the fact that Canada doesn’t own its dark secret. The difference
from WWII: Hitler and his henchmen couldn’t hide from recorded reality while Canada
hides its dark secret in obscure archives.
My goals with this rant are two-fold: highlight the
atrocities (ownership) and consider rebuilding from a trauma recovery
perspective. In the spirit of taking ownership, here are a smattering of
inhuman government policies (refer to websites end of page): denied women
status of any kind (Indian or otherwise); forcefully removed children from their families to attend residential
schools with the primary intent “to kill the Indian in the child”; segregated
onto reserves (similar to Jewish ghettos); renamed individuals with European
names (more cultural distancing); restricted from leaving reserve without permission
from Indian Agent (characteristically of ill repute, dictatorial, and
sadist—not unlike plantation “slave supervisors”); forbade speaking their
native language, practicing their traditional religion; declared potlatch and
other cultural ceremonies illegal; denied the right to vote.
“I have reason to
believe that the agents as a whole … are doing all they can, by refusing food
until the Indians are on the verge of starvation, to reduce the expense,” Macdonald
told the House of Commons in 1882
“The great aim of our legislation has been to do
away with the tribal system and assimilate the Indian people in all respects
with the other inhabitants of the Dominion as speedily as they are fit to
change.” – John
A Macdonald, 1887
Impact of said policies—generations of indigenous Canadians “lost in the system.” We learn how to raise children living in families. If you remove children from their families, how are they to learn how to raise the next generation? Their models are punitive, dismissive, and distant institutions. Many of us spend years in therapy for being raised in punitive, dismissive, and/or distant families. Imagine whole communities and cultures!
So if the government is serious about rebuilding its
indigenous roots (doubtful given political patterns), step one would be to own
the damage it has done to the fabric of families—damage in terms of parenting
and attachment issues which lead to unhealthy coping strategies (in any
cultural background) such as violence and addictions—which Canada as a whole
denies it helped to create and perpetuate.
The second step is developing a strategy—not a vague plan—a
strategy with measurable goals and objectives. Clean drinking water for EVERY
Canadian would be a great start! Access to equal education and health care.
Trauma recovery programs led by local community members. Proper homes,
facilities, and infrastructures. All of this cannot be a “top down” approach.
Collaboration is key—all parties having a voice at the discussion table—starting
from the “ground up.”
Another framework for understanding our predicament from the trauma recovery perspective is to think of what’s involved leaving an abusive relationship. “Canada” (as we know it) abused its original occupants —and continues to abuse with unfair policies and treatment. Not because it doesn’t know better, but willfully and initially maliciously. However, as the victimized partner in this abusive relationship, our indigenous peoples have nowhere to go, no one to turn to. As in domestic violence, there are bystanders—those who see the abuse but turn away or blame the victim. As apathetic bystanders, we join the ranks of those who witnessed the systematic destruction of Jews by the Nazi regime. We are in collusion with the abuser when we don’t speak up due to apathy or passivity. That, too, is hard to own.
Imagine you are the abused partner and believe (re-enforced
through experience) you have no one to turn to—what would happen? Most likely,
you turn on yourself. The violence turns inwards. Depression and futility set
in. You lose your sense of self, your autonomy, your volition, your will to
live. Your spirit dies a little more each day. To cope with the negative
onslaught, you must shut down. Your entered this relationship in good faith.
Now faith is gone. Can you imagine being beaten down every day? How do you
press on? Move forward? Rebuild when each attempt is thwarted?
Providing we aren’t forced to leave under drastic measures,
rebuilding a sense of self germinates while still in the abusive relationship.
We begin to see “this” isn’t working and eventually realize our own spirit or
essence will die if we stay or continue “as is.” We timidly begin reaching out
to others, determining who can be trusted, seeking confirmation of our unfathomable
experience. With their help—and ONLY with the help of trusted others—plans
formulate to make change: either to begin a new life of recovery or to begin
rebuilding the foundation for a healthier relationship that fosters mutual
respect.
If Canada embarks on this recovery mission, it needs to collaborate with the First Nations to incorporate from within—not impose upon from the abusive party. Can you imagine being offered supposed help from the same system that terrorized, denigrated, suppressed, and trampled you? There is NO easy fix to this situation. But until we take ownership of how we all play a part (either passively or aggressively) in this toxic relationship, it will never have a hope to heal. At the very least, we must stop negative speech towards once mighty nations, communities and cultures, individuals, and a situation we know nothing about. Until we are brave enough to engage with the real people involved and learn of their lived experience, adding our voice to the multitude of naysayers is not helpful, but harmful.
Before becoming a trauma therapist, I was one of those turn-a-blind-eye/blame-the-victim Canadians. I can’t anymore. How about you?
- https://www.ictinc.ca/blog/21-things-you-may-not-have-known-about-the-indian-act-
- https://thecanadianencyclopedia.ca/en/article/indian-act-plain-language-summary
- https://indigenousfoundations.arts.ubc.ca/the_indian_act/
- https://www.nwac.ca/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/The-Indian-Act-Said-WHAT-pdf-1.pdf
- https://nationalpost.com/news/canada/here-is-what-sir-john-a-macdonald-did-to-indigenous-people
- https://www.ictinc.ca/indian-residential-schools
- https://indigenousfoundations.arts.ubc.ca/the_residential_school_system/
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Posted on Jun 17, 2019
So. Where to begin? It’s been an interesting week; and I’ve
been mulling over this blog for a couple weeks now, without gaining any solid
traction. There are a few things I want to say; but I’m unsure how to piece it
all together or put it into words. Funny how thoughts can be like that: flashes
of inspiration or insight keeping just out of word’s grasp.
My musings began by thinking about the tight integration
between how we are parented and how we relate to the Ultimate Transcendent
Being (Creator, God, Universe, High Power, Author of the Cosmos, Big Bang,
insert your preferred label here…).
Even with years of therapy, a long and winding faith
journey, and deep self-recovery work, I still struggle relating to the
Transcendent Being via any masculine reference, whether it be Canadian
Aboriginal’s Father Sky or the westernized Father God. I continue to mentally
back away from that imagery.
And then it struck me that God doesn’t care what name is
used, God is simply thrilled to be on speaking terms with any human: whether we
refer to the Ultimate Presence as our Rock, Fortress, Shield, Mama Bear, Mama
Eagle, Mother God, Mother Earth, or any imagery that helps us connect. God isn’t
bothered by any of it…but humans are.
My sister recommended a documentary series exploring the
development of Christian Art within its context of history, political
movements, and culture. That’s the sort of information that should be doled
out—not doctrine or dogma. Very enlightening series based in the supposed Dark
Ages. I can’t share all the gems here, but it was very informative. The key
“take-away”: humans have always been drawn to a fluid understanding of the
Ultimate Being, needing both female and male representation.
As intriguing as the historical perspective is, it is also
terribly disheartening to have a bird’s eye view of how political figures have
influenced the evolution of religion—so much so that it hardly resembles the
simple origins.
From politics to parenting, our perceptions of the Ultimate
Being are just that—perceptions, maybe even allusions. Sometimes, I daresay, delusions.
Subconsciously, God becomes a demanding authority figure, a fairy godmother, a
magical old wizard, a powerful force to be reckoned with—but we don’t actually
visualize those images. We dress them in more culturally acceptable costumes. So
our experiences with God become extremely frustrating when our wishes (aka
prayers) aren’t granted, political forces aren’t abolished. Our demands are not
met, we pout, and God yearns to connect and comfort.
And therein lies my problem. When using male language, I do
not relate to God in any positive ways. In fact, I withdraw. So I approach from
another safer angle, and am met with connection, comfort, instruction, guidance.
God doesn’t care. God will morph to be my safe place. Maybe I should start
referring to my Higher Power as the Shape Shifter (with only pure motives).
Here is my tie in for all these musings. Never take
parenting for granted. It is so important with long-term implications. Not only
for how we relate to the Ultimate Being, but also others and most importantly
our Selves. If we do not reflect back to children what we see in them, and if
they cannot see themselves in adults, they grow up to be very confused and
rudderless. They expect the world to function a certain way. And when it
doesn’t co-operate, they don’t have the skills to navigate difficulties nor to
spread kindness and well-being wherever they go.
Oddly enough, I learned that Christian Art reflects humanity
more than any divinity…and that my sensitive soul seems out of place in this
world. I really do feel like an alien on this planet when kindness is rewarded
with meanness. I’m tired of being a human punching bag. Which is another way of
saying the Universe is guiding me to make some changes.
The Dark Ages: An Age
Of Light Four Part Series – Timeline – World History
Documentaries https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4o1dc41r28
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Posted on May 24, 2019
I am conflicted about what to write this month. I began by writing about my Mother’s Day experience. However, that wormed itself into the abortion/adoption issue which morphed into human equality. I initially titled this blog Mothers & Mentors; but mentors were all but forgotten in my first draft. Then I took a meander down memory lane as I worked on crafting a 50th birthday card for my brother. And I realized how much I miss the relationship we once had, plus all the adventures we shared. The thread of all these musings? Attachments.
I went from sharing a personal experience, to sharing thoughts on a tender topic. However, as passionately as I believe in human equality, connection, and compassion, social media is not the platform for changing the world. And quite frankly, the world doesn’t want to change. So I considered my intentions for communicating. I get quite discouraged by the discourse, or lack thereof, in “popular controversies.” I cannot change people’s minds; but I sometimes think I can educate people into changing their minds. After all, education has changed my mind on several occasions. However, one’s mind has to be open to be changed. As long as we have closed minds, no amount of education will make a difference. Compassion is also a necessity for change.
Which brings me back to attachments. If we adhere more strongly to our beliefs then we do to people with, compassion and empathy, we completely miss the point of life: connection. We cannot connect if we are judging, focusing on right versus wrong. Life isn’t black and white. But one can never go wrong with putting people ahead of agendas. And if you do think in black and white, then you are missing out. I know. Because I have been there—on both sides of the coin—the judging and the judged. It does not bring people together or ease anyone’s suffering.
So, in the spirit of sharing for supporting those who
suffer…
I had a surreal yet visceral experience this past Mother’s Day
during a walk in the woods with two fur babies: I talked to my two miscarried
children. I have never done that before. Oddly, a Mother’s Day first for me.
Even asked them to say hello to their grandmother for me.
As profound as the experience was of connecting with my
somewhat imaginary children, it was very peaceful and soothing. I didn’t want
to have children; so I was very conflicted about being pregnant. And yes, I
will admit relieved when I didn’t carry to term. However, there is an
unbreakable bond that forms when one conceives (knowingly or unknowingly). On
Facebook I posted: Whether you have lost children by choice or by tragedy, know
they are caring for you from the other side and you are loved.
These unborn souls have no resentments. It is like they are
still in their purest form. The world hasn’t had a chance to twist perfection
yet. And I believe they understand that they were not meant for this world.
They do not hold a grudge about being aborted (forced or natural). Now, this is
where my blog goes awry; and I veer off-course by going cerebral instead of
remaining personal.
When I stay with my own experience, I sense deep sadness and
grief; not for my miscarried children, but my own insecure childhood. I wish I
could glibly “move on” into adulthood; but it is much more complicated than
that. Education and compassionate presence from caring souls have helped me understand
my lived experience and find ways to cope; but it’s a struggle to know that it
will always be a struggle. All because of the lack of healthy attachments as an
infant, child, adolescent, and young adult. This is why I am passionate about
human equality and connection. I do not want others to struggle like I do.
I also understand today’s sadness a bit better as I miss the
inexplicable bond I once had with my brother. In our culture, we take bonding
for granted and/or are ignorant of its importance with its long-lasting effects
of both secure and insecure attachments. And what it means when we lose those
attachments. My most secure attachment was with my brother. The second was with
my dog, Gracie. I am grateful for the bonding that has developed with my (half)sister.
I do not develop bonds easily; and when they are lost, it is truly devastating.
If I could have a single wish granted, it would be for the
world to grasp the importance of human bonding and connection. I would like to
think the world’s ills would be greatly reduced by that subtle change. In the
meantime, I will continue to pursue spreading compassion and connection in
whatever ways I can, and live with the disappointments. For that is the nature
of Life: an intricate dance of joy and sorrow.
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Posted on Feb 23, 2019
February is a funny month. The first half is focused on symbolic gestures (large and small) of romantic relationships. After Valentine’s Day, the Holly wood award season no longer has to share the spotlight; and social culture becomes hyper-aware of what awards celebrities win and what they wear to award shows. My focus is going to return to the former subject: love. In an odd coupling, it occurred to me that Saints serve a similar purpose to super-heroes and celebrities: those to admire and emulate. But Saint Valentine aside, I want to focus on the modern fascination with love and romance.
“Love is just a word until you meet someone who gives it meaning…” paraphrase from a line in the movie, “Book Club.”
Of all the subtle and not-so-subtle quips and quotes I’ve been handed over the years about love, this one rings the most true. I made some very misguided decisions based on the concept that love is a choice and takes work. In a nutshell: love = committment. [Something very doable for me.] But totally dismissing chemistry and connection. Not to mention mutual respect, consideration, and loving kindness. And now we know scientifically what it takes for a romantic partnership to last long-term: consistent, reciprocal affection and attention.
You don’t have to be in a romantic relationship for those primal needs of consistent attention and affection to be met. After all, our first introduction to those concepts came with infancy. We are hardwired from birth to know that the adults surrounding us are responsible for our well-being. In the world of psychology, it is fairly common knowledge about the post-war Romanian infants who died in orphanages—not for lack of food or shelter—but because the nuns couldn’t hold each infant while making loving eye contact (the distance of an infant’s vision). Tragic experiments were also conducted with monkeys to “prove” the hypothesis.
As adults, we still have these two primal needs for affection and attention. However, as we are no longer at risk of dying from these unmet needs, we experience other forms of un-wellness in the forms of physical and mental illness. In our Western culture, we have become almost exclusively dependent upon romantic partners to meet these primal needs. But I know people who are living proof you can thrive in social communities getting these needs met in platonic ways. Hugs and eye contact need not be in short supply.
We form communities of connections in all sorts of ways: work, friendships, book clubs, brother/sisterhood, therapists of all kinds, faith groups, sports leagues, hobby groups. Not to say these social circles automatically provide authentic connections, but they all have the capacity to provide healthy affection and attention. Sadly, however, we have all experienced the opposite effect from involvement in various systems, groups, or organizations. Hence, the opportunities abound—but, so too, the risks of being hurt. And emotional wounding is a significant mental health issue.
In my experience, my marriage was anything but attentive and affectionate. So I still had to look elsewhere for those primal needs to be met. Sometimes seeking it out specifically in a romantic relationship is what sets us up for failure. And sometimes seeking is the misguided first step. What if being open to it crossing our path is the first step? Not easy. Our primal needs drive us. We crave connection. That stable base from which we go out to explore the world, only to come back to replenish before going out again.
Sometimes we’ll do anything to find it, or at least fill the void. Not so easy to sit with our craving and open ourselves to the possibility of it being satisfied.
Hence why creating a loving world can only enhance our lives. The legends of Saint Valentine vary—as well as how his religious feast day became commercialized into Valentine’s Day. But maybe we can borrow a page from the story within the story. The basic idea is reminding people they are loved and cared for (whether the child of a jailor whose sight is restored or officiating secret marriage ceremonies) and to consider ways we can provide healthy affection and attention to those around us. None of us know the emotional wounding that is walking all around us. A greeting, touch of the hand, and eye contact may be all it takes to add loving kindness to someone’s day.
And the added bonus—at least two people always benefit from touch, eye contact, kinds words, and listening ears.
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Posted on May 14, 2017
Today is Mother’s Day. And I am reflecting upon the life of my (step)grandmother (my stepmother’s mother passed away at age 99 on 5 May 2017). While it ties in with the promised entry on the Heroine’s Journey, I will postpone delving deeply into that concept to another time.
Reading my grandmother’s obituary (or life summary presented by the family) saddened me. And not out of a sense of personal loss. A sadness that my grandmother did not get to go on a Heroine’s Journey for herself. She lived by the rules of the patriarchal culture in which she was raised (and perpetuated).
It was a very glowing account of a remarkable woman’s self-denial and self-sacrifice—her dedication to her faith and her family. But I did not get a sense of who she really was. Her True Essence burned low in the grate—nearly snuffed out by cultural conditioning. She was not afforded the opportunity of self-discovery. Which is another layer of patriarchy that saddens me: women are taught self-denial long before they ever get a chance to discover who they are and what they are sacrificing! Hence the Heroine’s Journey for those who choose to embark on it.
My grandma would have balked at going on such a journey. It would have seemed antithetical to her faith and upbringing. So indoctrinated was she, that fanning into flame her True Essence would be heretical. Jesus’ hard work at women’s liberation would have been lost on her—in fact confusing. She knew how to function, and function well, in the patriarchal society. According to the obituary, she flourished in that environment. But did she? She followed the rules well, but where was she in all the rules?
If using the plant/flower analogy, she was a well-maintained (and contained) garden that produced beautifully; but I wonder about the wild flowers planted deep within. Did she ever want more out of life? Did she ever want to escape the boundaries and flourish in other ways?
She likely was fairly content with her life—up until the end when her vision and hearing deteriorated; and she lost the will to live. Given how she lived her life for others, when she could no longer do that, it likely did kill her spirit. She had no sense of self to fall back on. She relied on the dynamic of self-sacrifice to give her life meaning.
I was also raised in that environment. And I am on a Heroine’s Journey of self-discovery so that I can better live out my True Essence. It is a totally different experience to give of yourself from self-knowledge rather than a sense of existence. It is rather empowering to embrace your True Self. When we live by a culture’s rules, we never get to be “real” with each other. We are always playing a role, saying our lines, doing our part. I much prefer realness. And when we honour the realness in others, it changes how we interact in the world.
Reading my grandmother’s obituary, I was struck by how contained her world really was. While she had a great impact on that world of family, she didn’t engage with the larger world in any significant way (other than supporting others who claimed to do so, like missionaries). If grandma could have lived out her True Self, I wonder what impact she would have had on the global community. Where would her heart have drawn her? What would she have been passionate about? What change would she have worked towards? How would she have attempted to better the world?
There is so much of her personal story that I don’t know—and she didn’t want to talk about (like surviving the depression of the 1930’s and being raised in an exceptionally large family by a father who married three times). So many untold stories that shaped who she became.
My (step)grandmother was not a storyteller. And she didn’t talk about herself much. That would have been prideful. How I wish I had more role models of strong women who owned their own presence in the world; lived out their True Essence. Instead, I learned how to hide and self-deny. And internalized that I wasn’t worthy. Not uncommon.
It’s also why it’s so important to read about, reflect upon, and embark on the Heroine’s Journey of self-discovery. After living for everyone else and by society or family rules, it’s time to figure out who we were born to be as women and as fellow human beings.
Because of its starkness, my grandmother’s story inspires me to pursue colouring outside the lines, growing wild in the weeds, not conforming. I am choosing to sacrifice connection to family and friends (who will not understand my Heroine’s Journey) instead of sacrificing my Self for family, religion, culture, career (all intertwined). And in a surprising twist, it is because of the strong women in my family story that I am able to do so—even though their strength lay in survival and hopes for future generations rather than personal accomplishment or “the greater good.”
And today, on Mother’s Day, I am grateful to the Divine Feminine for her Mothering Presence in my life. Without that significant shift in my thinking, I would not be able to pursue the Heroine’s Journey. And God/Universe/Transcendent Being’s Mothering Love has kept me safe and been constant when human love (maternal or paternal) has been lacking—even when I was unaware of it.
Today is a day to honour feminine attributes in general—that either gender lives out. May you feel mothered by those around you today—whomever they may be.
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Posted on Oct 15, 2016
“Love is not the least bit illogical or random, but actually an ordered and wise recipe for survival. The need for connection is our first and most primary instinct.”
~ Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Love Sense (2013) and Hold Me Tight (2008)
While the theory of “survival of the fittest” is lauded in our Western culture and used to promote or justify many terrible behaviours, it is not very accurate and rather misunderstood. Even Darwin himself realized the importance of collaboration and adaptability to change as necessary for survival.
“In the long history of humankind (and animal kind, too) those who learned to collaborate and improvise most effectively have prevailed.”
~ Charles Darwin, English naturalist and geologist, author of Origin of Species (1859)
“It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.”
Working together to adapt to constant change. Not something we excel at as a culture. Yet there is evidence of this all around us in the natural world: species collaborating to survive and even thrive. Paradoxically, the one constant in all the change: relationships and our need for them. So how do we make them work?
“Science says: It is not familiarity or time that kills desire and passion, it is lack of emotional safety and attuned connection.”
~ Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Love Sense (2013) and Hold Me Tight (2008)
Emotional safety and attuned connection. The two aspects needed in order to thrive. Two things we are not taught from infancy—yet which we intuitively know at birth. That’s how we manage those first months of life outside the womb. When emotional safety and attuned connection are compromised, we suffer—as infants, children, adolescents, and adults. We never lose the need for connection and safety.
While developing emotional safety and attuned connection can be a complicated, misunderstood, and unappreciated process, there are two critical avenues we can pursue at any age or stage in life. They are daily affection and check-in conversations.
Daily affection (touch) is a necessity for infants to physically survive. Our lives as adults may no longer be at risk without touch, but life is certainly compromised in all aspects of our health from lowered immune systems to increased risk for depression and anxiety. Touch—especially skin-to-skin contact—produces oxytocin: the bonding hormone. When we touch, we connect and bond on a chemical level. Hence the importance of daily affection such as morning and bedtime hugs and kisses, greetings upon parting and reuniting.
Daily check-in conversations. While it may sound simple, and many people think “we do this already;” it is not a natural way we converse and requires practice as well as patience. When we check in with each other, we are going beyond the banal, perfunctory, and possibly distracted, “How was your day?” to a genuine interest made obvious. It is a structured conversation giving each person time to speak—literally taking turns. Partner 1 has 10-15 minutes (or whatever works for you) to tell about his or her day (what happened, what they did, how they felt about it). Partner 2 repeats back what is said without interpreting, problem solving, or fixing. Just listening and validating. Partner 2 can say something like, “I heard you say….” Followed by “I imagine you feel…” or “I get that would be [name of emotion] for you.” Then Partner 2 has equal time to describe their day and how they feel about it—with Partner 1 repeating back what was said and validating associated emotions. If a partner struggles to identify their emotions, ask questions about what they feel in their body and prompting with “That would make me feel….How about you?” or the “I imagine you feel…” may be enough to prompt emotional reflection.
Generally, when we are ‘listening’ to our conversation partner, we are developing a response in our head long before the partner is finished speaking. We have a rebuttal ready the moment our partner pauses. This contributes to arguments escalating to full-blown fighting that creates distance. We have lost connection and emotional safety—a threat to survival. Reflective Listening (repeating back what is said and validating emotion) is a useful tool for arguments as well as daily check-in conversations. Another communication tool, Expression of Needs (aka Complain without Blame), is also useful to keep in mind if the conversation veers of course (separate handout).
Daily check-in conversations are to be reserved just for that: checking in. They are not the time or place to resolve arguments or problem solve. Those are separate, and equally important, conversations which may go better having an overall understanding of your partner’s interior world/inner life achieved by daily check-in conversations. As well, having established emotional safety and attuned connection, arguments/disagreements will be less threatening knowing each other is secure in the relationship.
These principles can be applied to any relationship and context (with modification for dynamics such as parent-child, friends, school, or workplace). We all need touch and attunement. Armed with this information, we can fulfill our common need for affection and focused attention in respectful ways.
May your day be filled with emotional safety and attuned connection.
Love is a constant process of tuning in, connecting, missing and misreading cues, disconnecting, repairing, and finding deeper connection. It is a dance of meeting and parting and finding each other again. Minute to minute and day to day.
~ Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Love Sense (2013) and Hold Me Tight (2008)
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