The Winding Path

Counselling Services provided by Barb Zacharias

June 2015: Living Out Loud

Posted on Jun 19, 2015

June 2015: Living Out Loud

As I begin this, I am not sure what to blog about this month. There are always thoughts percolating in my mind, but nothing has jumped out demanding to be put into writing which leaves me in a bit of a spot. So this may be more a collection of jumbled thoughts than a cohesive entry.

As this quote has been occupying my mind quite a bit lately, I will start with this:

“Sometimes you just have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out. Maybe not how you planned, but just how they’re meant to be.”

Some of you know that the past three years have been particularly difficult for me since the loss of my dog, Gracie, in March of 2012.

Her death triggered so much pain to surface—basically any unresolved grief bubbled up, insisting to be dealt with. For the first time, I truly grieved the death of my mother that happened when I turned 5. Along with that came many childhood issues that required attention. Inner child work became standard for me. All aspects of my life came into question and under introspection.

With all that grief to attend to, I have felt a heavy weight upon my soul for the past three years. Until this past week that is. I wish I could articulate the shift, but a shift certainly has taken place. From feeling like the world has been off its axis a degree or two to feeling stable and sure of myself. It’s been quite the shift.

I refer to it as shifting from living in a whisper to living out loud.

That’s quite a switch from “please don’t notice me” to “be all that I can be.”

In a journal entry from earlier this week, I wrote that God wants far more for me than I can even imagine. Not to push or to pressure me, but to live out fully who I’ve been created to be. Not to meet a quota of souls saved, missions accomplished—but to just be me with all my gifts & abilities, joys & sorrows, dreams & disappointments.

In other words: to live out loud.

I’ve tried to hide myself my entire life (for a whole host of reasons but primarily from non-existent self-esteem). I didn’t think I deserved anymore than the pain and suffering that was all around me. What happiness I eked out of life was short-lived, shallow, and results-based—and always with a tinge of sadness to it and/or self-deprecation.

My efforts to retrain my brain apparently are beginning to pay off. I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel, brightness within me, and a new self-appreciation. I can honestly say, I have never before felt good about myself—my accomplishment, certain traits, that sort of thing, but never “just me.” It is such a wonderful feeling.

It feels good to feel good about myself.

It’s certainly been a stormy stretch of sea, but within the current calm waters I can agree:

“Sometimes you just have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out. Maybe not how you planned, but just how they’re meant to be.”

May you take a break from the worrying, wondering, and doubting—and just ‘be’ in all your personal brilliance. Shine on!

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